Active Listening

Active Listening

Many people think that they can get rid of their feelings by suppressing them, forgetting them, or thinking about something else. Actually, people free themselves of trouble-some feelings when they are encouraged to express them openly. Active Listening fosters this kind of catharsis.

Just like in this Baby Blues comic, the daughter is expressing to her father that she wishes her hair were like her friends (Wren’s), but as she continues to explain what kind of hair she wishes to have, her Dad “Active Listens” and feeds back to her that his daughter wishes she had the hair she already has. Which then she exclaims, “Yeah…Exactly!”

It helps children to find out exactly what they are feeling. After they express their feelings, the feelings often seem to disappear almost like magic.

Active Listening helps children become less afraid of negative feelings. “Feelings are friendly” is an expression we use in our classes to help parents come to realize feelings are not “bad.” When a parent shows by Active Listening that he accepts a child’s feelings, the child is also helped to accept them. He learns from the parent’s response that feelings are friendly.

Active Listening promotes a relationship of warmth between parent and child. The experience of being heard and understood by another person is so satisfying that it invariably makes the sender feel warm toward the listener. Children, particularly, respond with loving ideas and feelings. Similar feelings are evoked within the listener—he begins to feel warmer and closer to the sender. When one listens empathically and accurately to another, he gets to understand that person, to appreciate his way of looking at the world—in a sense, he becomes that person during the period of putting himself in his shoes. Invariably, by allowing oneself to “get inside” the other person, one produces feelings of closeness, caring and love. To empathize with another is to see him as a separate person, yet be willing to join with him for a brief period in his journey through life. Such an act involves deep caring and love. Parent who learn empathic Active Listening discover a new kind of appreciation and respect, a deeper feeling of caring; in turn, the child responds to the parent with similar feelings.

Active Listening facilitates problem-solving by the child. We know that people do a better job of thinking a problem through and toward a solution when they can “talk it out” as opposed to merely thinking about it. Because Active Listening is so effective in facilitating talking, it helps a person in his search for solutions to his problems. Everybody had heard such expressions as “let me use you as a sounding board” or “I’d like to kick this problem around with you” or “maybe it would help me to talk it out with you.”

Active Listening influences the child to be more willing to listen to the parents’ thoughts and ideas. It is a universal experience that when someone will listen to one’s own point of view, it is then easier to listen to his. Children are more likely to open themselves up to receive their parents’ messages if their parents first hear them out. When parents complain that their kids don’t listen to them, it’s a good bet that the parents are not doing an effective job of listening to the kids.

Active Listening “keeps the ball with the child.” When parent respond to their kids’ problems b Active Listening, they will observe how often kids start thinking for themselves. A child will start to analyze his problem on his own, eventually arriving at some constructive solutions. Active Listening conveys trust, while messages of advice, logic, instruction, and the like convey distrust by taking over the problem-solving responsibility from the child. Active Listening is therefore one of the most effective ways of helping a child become more self-directing, self-responsible, and independent.*

*Active Listening excerpt from Dr. Thomas Gordon's P.E.T. Book

Benefits You Can Look Forward To

Many young people who have learned the Gordon Model of building democratic relationships have willingly shared the benefits and rewards they have experienced.

They always begin by talking about their own family:

• "When my Mom and Dad and I don't agree on everything, it (the skills) really helps because we don't let things get out of control and everyone's feelings are less likely to get hurt."
• "I have learned not to yell as much and have learned to be patient until finding a compromise."
• "I know what to do when an argument starts."
• "I can now talk to my parents about anything, and I know they will listen without preaching--even if what I tell them might upset them or disappoint them."
• "My friends find it hard to believe that I have really good relationship with both of my parents."
• "I feel that my parents are my best friends."
• "Nobody in my family is the boss."

These young people also describe the benefits they have received in their relationships with their friends or at work:

• "All my friends know they can come to me with any kind of problem and get heard. They know I am a good Active Listener."
• "I know that any conflict that comes up with my friends can be resolved using the skills I've learned."
• "I'm able to distance myself from my friends' problems and let them be the owners of their problems."
• "The training has made me a better problem-solver when things go wrong in my life. I know how to brainstorm."

There is one final benefit you may not be aware of. Young people, like yourself, raise in a non-punitive and democratic family will themselves to create such a family when they marry and have children. Then those children will do the same, and the next generation of children will follow, and so on.

Can you see that you can make a valuable contribution to society? In successive generations there will be more and more young people like yourself and more and more democratic families. You will be helping create a whole "new species" of young people, clearly different from the typical youth of today. There will be fewer acts of injustice and violence, few juvenile delinquents, fewer divorces, and so on.

In short, you can now contribute to our society by being one of the people who makes democracy a way of life.*

*Excerpt from Dr. Thomas Gordon's F.E.T. Young Adult Resource Book

Why Is Conflict a Good Thing?

Why Conflict is a Good Thing

By Linda Adams, President of GTI

Conflicts between people are a normal, natural and inevitable part of life--at work, at home and in all our relationships with others. Unfortunately, most of us don't really accept this fact and we still get surprised and distressed when it's clear that a conflict has emerged.

As long as everything is going along smoothly, it's easy to be considerate and respectful of another person's needs. They are in no way interfering with our own. But the emergence of a conflict can change all that--now we can feel threatened, anxious and angry. The same person whom we enjoyed working with yesterday now seems like an adversary. That's because of our vast, past experience with conflict, most of which was negative.

We have a negative attitude toward conflict primarily because we haven't learned constructive ways to deal with it--in fact, the converse is true: we have learned destructive ways of handling conflict. As children, as students and as employees (and too often as spouses) we have experienced losing in a conflict because parents, teachers and bosses use/d their power to win at our expense. Even though we know the feelings of resentment, anger, dislike, even hostility that we experience as a result of losing, the win-lose posture is deeply ingrained and when we get in positions where we have power over people, we often choose to win at their expense.

A great deal of research shows the damaging effects that win-lose conflict resolution has on interpersonal relationships. It creates distance, separation, dislike, even hatred. It's the main reason people leave their jobs for new ones and marriages break up.

Viewing Conflict as Constructive

How conflicts get resolved is the critical factor in any relationship. In fact, it is the most critical factor in determining whether a relationship will be healthy or unhealthy, mutually satisfying or unsatisfying, friendly or unfriendly, deep or shallow, intimate or cold.

As most of us are aware, there is an alternative to the win-lose posture. It's often been called "win-win" or "no-lose" because the goal is to find a solution to the conflict that meets the needs of both people. Resolving conflicts this way requires three important attitudes and behaviors: 1) the attitude that conflict in general presents the opportunity for constructive change; 2) the willingness to engage in the process of mutually searching for a solution that meets the needs of both people; 3) the communication and problem solving skills that it takes to make this win-win method work. Too often, people want to resolve conflicts this way, but either are not truly willing in their heart of hearts to work for a mutually-acceptable solution or do not have the skills required to work together to find one. When this occurs, the win-win method is doomed to failure.

"Let's Keep Talking"

When you're in conflict with another person, you both are usually aware of it at some level. There's a sense of disruption, unease, something is not right. The communication between you might change, perhaps becoming superficial or terse. Or there's silence.

Once you're aware that you're in conflict, what you do next really matters. Acknowledge that a conflict exists. Very often, we decide not to acknowledge this hoping that the conflict will somehow go away or resolve itself. That rarely happens. Only when conflicts are brought out into the open, do they have the chance of being dealt with effectively.

And as I just mentioned, dealing with conflict effectively requires skills--skills that are proven to work, sometimes like magic. When you have these skills, the idea of facing conflicts with others is not nearly so daunting, and in fact can be stimulating and energizing. (There are very few intractable problems to which there are no mutually-acceptable solutions.)

Dialogue is the key element in constructive conflict resolution. Dialogue is made up of two very different communication skills, both of which are essential--listening with empathy and non-blameful self-disclosure. As Reuel Howe states in his book, The Miracle of Dialogue: "...it must be mutual and proceed from both sides, and the parties to it must persist relentlessly...when two persons undertake it and accept their fear of doing so, the miracle-working power of dialogue may be released."

The importance of listening with empathy to the other person's needs, feelings and beliefs cannot be overstated. This means experiencing what it feels like to be in the other person's shoes at that moment and then reflecting what you hear back to them to check whether you understood correctly. This can be very difficult to do especially when you have strong opposing viewpoints or feelings, but it's possible when you're truly intent on understanding. Something amazing happens when people feel understood and accepted at a deep level. Their need to hold onto their preconceived solution to the conflict often dissipates. And often their strong emotional feelings subside.

The other essential part of dialogue is non-blameful self-disclosure. Now it's your turn to talk about your needs and disclose your feelings without blaming the other person. Ideally, they will be committed to listening empathically to you, to put themselves in your shoes, to experience your reality. When that happens, you too can feel catharsis, and be more open to finding a mutually-satisfying solution. Once the basic needs of each person are clearly defined and understood, moving through the other steps needed to find a solution can be done in a climate of mutual consideration and respect.

Having positive conflict resolution experiences like these are both rewarding and reinforcing. And that's a great thing.

More Errors in Active Listening

MORE COMMON ERRORS IN ACTIVE LISTENING

1. THE NUMBER ON ERROR!: Using Active Listening when the other person's behavior is in the bottom part of the listener's Behavior Window. Nothing turns people off to Active Listening like trying to use it when another person's behavior is unacceptable to you. (An absurd example: Responding to repeated kicks in the shin with, "I get that you're feeling pretty hostile to me.") The usual cause of this unfortunate misuse of the skills is fear of confronting.
2. Using Active Listening when you have some behavior objective or the other (to cheer up, work harder, come to a realization, etc.) This also is caused by fear of confronting.
3. Using Active Listening when the others requesting specific help or information that you have and they don't, i.e., in cases of legitimate dependency. For example, "Where are the scissors?" "What's for dinner?" "I need directions on how to get there."
4. Feeding back the sender's message without including the appropriate nonverbal cues. This may occur because the listener feels too self-conscious to send them or feels it necessary to play some detached, "professional" role. But failure to approximate the tone of voice and body language appropriate to the feedback is received by the other as a denial of the feeling portions of his/her original message. Again, the naked words aren't enough.
5. Falling into the habit of using exactly the same phrase to start all your feedbacks (such as, "What I hear you saying is.."). This can get annoying fast. Use such phrases sparingly. One durable alternative is frequently to start simply with "You..." or "You're..." ("You wish you could help more." "You're pretty discouraged.")
6. Using Active Listening as a shield against another's anger at you. One or two good, very empathic feedbacks of the first onslaught can be helpful to both of you. ("Boy, you're really mad at me over this issue!") But after that, Active Listening will be seen as an infuriating attempt to dodge the anger. Switch to taking appropriate responsibility and problem solving.
7. Using Active Listening to gather enough data that you can then move in with judgment, advice and solutions. The other person will not soon again come to you to be listened to.
8. Using Active Listening to draw people out, invade their privacy. Remember that the sender owns the conversation and decides when it's to go on and when it's to stop.
9. Feeding back everything. Don't forget concerned silence (good during pauses or other's crying or sad silence) and simple acknowledgments, such as "Yeah," "Hmm," and "Uh huh" (good when other's code is crystal clear).

Simply reading through and understanding this list of the most common errors of Active Listening will sensitize you to many of them and help you avoid them. Another good use of this list is to return to it at times when your Active Listening has not been very effective or well received. At such times, one of these errors may stand out as the cause of your difficulty and put you back on track.*

*Excerpt from Dr. Thomas Gordon's F.E.T. Adult Resource Book

Have You Blocked Communication by Using a Roadblock?

The 12 Roadblocks

When other people have problems, you may want to give "good" advice, ask key questions, reassure them that "everything will be okay," take sides, warn them, or judge them.

However, as these 12 Roadblocks or barriers indicate, these common attempts to help often do more harm than good. They take "ownership of the problem" away from the other person. They usually make people defensive. They block communication and they block people from doing their own problem solving.

1. Ordering, Directing: Telling the other person what to do.

Examples: "Don't worry about it.", "Stop it!"

2. Warning, Threatening: Telling the other person what will happen if s/he does something.

Examples: "If you don't start studying, you're going to fail.", "If you keep acting like this, you're just going to be in more trouble."

3. Preaching, Moralizing: Telling the other person what s/he should do.

Examples: "You shouldn't talk like that about him.", "You shouldn't feel that way."

4. Advising, Giving Solutions: Telling the other person how to solve his/her problem.

Examples: "If I were you I would just forget about it. It's no big deal.", "If that happens again, why don't you tell someone?"

5. Arguing, Persuading with Logic: Trying to influence the other person with facts, logic or your opinions.

Examples: "The fact is, most parents are like that.", "The logical thing to do would be to just ignore him."

6. Judging, Criticizing: Making negative judgments or evaluations of the other person.

Examples: "You're just being stubborn.", "If you weren't so touchy, you wouldn't get so upset when someone says something about you."

7. Praising, Agreeing: Offering a positive judgment about the other person.

Examples: "You guys have always been good friends.", "I'm sure you can work this out. You're so good at that."

8. Name-Calling, Labeling: Making the other person feel foolish, stereotyping or categorizing him.

Examples: "You're acting like a baby.", "You act so lame sometimes."

9. Interpreting, Analyzing: Telling the other person why s/he's acting this way, analyzing why s/he's saying or doing something.

Examples: "You're saying that just to get attention.", "You're just tired."

10. Reassuring, Sympathizing: Trying to make the other person feel better, talking him/her out of his/her feelings.

Examples: "Don't feel bad, it'll be okay.", "By Friday, you'll forget all about it."

11. Questioning, Probing: Trying to find reasons, motives or causes; searching for more information information to help you solve the problem.

Examples: "How long have you been this mad at her?", "Why didn't you do something about this before now?"

12. Distracting, Humoring: Trying to get the other person away from the problem, pushing the problem aside, kidding him/her out of his/her feelings.

Examples: "Well, it's a good thing the President doesn't have problems as serious as yours.", "Let's talk about something else."*

*Excerpt from Dr. Thomas Gordon's F.E.T. Young Adult Resource book

Active Listening Benefits

Active Listening Benefits

Here is a list of some of the main benefits of using Active Listening.

1. It is your check on the accuracy of your listening.

2. It shows the sender that you are interested in him/her.

3. It proves to the sender that not only have you heard, you have understood.

4. It tells the sender you can accept him/her as a troubled person.

NOTE: The key word is accept (i.e., the sender's behaviors are in the top of the Behavior Window), not agree with. You can accept his/her having a feeling you might not have or a thought you don't agree with.

5. It gives the sender a chance to ventilate, to feel relieved, to have catharsis. When feelings are expressed and accepted, they lose their grip on the person and become less disabling. When held in, feelings tend to remain strong and fester (as opposed to a popular fear that if one listens to and accepts another's feelings, those feelings will get out of hand).

6. Active Listening fosters others doing their own problem definition and problem solving. It keeps the responsibility with the sender, yet the listener remains involved. The sender holds onto the ball.

7. It relieves "emotional flooding" and frees the intellect to get back to work.

8. It fosters the sender moving from superficial to the deeper, more basic problem.

9. It avoids fastening onto and "solving" the "presenting problem".

10. It helps the sender deal with feelings, not just the facts.

11. Active Listening frequently fosters the sender's insights--new ways of seeing things, new attitudes, new behaviors, new understanding of self.

12. It fosters the sender being more open and honest with you--more willing to use you as a helping agent.

13. It promotes a more intimate and warm relationship. The sender feels warm and positive toward the listener. The listener better understands the sender and feels more positive toward him/her.

14. It helps the sender grow toward being an internal problem-solver, toward being less dependent on others for solutions, toward being more self-responsible, more self-directing; master of his/her own fate or destiny.*

*Excerpt from Dr. Thomas Gordon's F.E.T. Adult Resource Book

Would You Like to Prevent Future Problems?

Send Preventive I-Messages

Preventive I-Messages let the other know ahead of time what you will need and want. People are better able to help you meet your needs if they have a clear picture of what you will want and why.

Some examples of Preventive I-Messages:

• "I'd like to know what time we're having dinner so I can call my friend."
• "I'd like use to decide what needs to be done on that report so I can get started on my part of it."*

*Excerpt from Dr. Thomas Gordon's F.E.T. Young Adult Resource Book

What Happens When Method III Doesn't Work?

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN METHOD III DOESN'T WORK

Your success with Method III will increase with time as you become more and more skillful with the process and your Active Listening, I-Messages and Gear Shifting skills become more natural. As your children and family member's level of trust and comfort with Method III grows, your success rate also increases.

When Method III does not "work", it is usually related to one of these factors:

• The skill, experience and comfort level of the parent is lacking.

WHAT TO DO - continue to develop your skills; use Method III in No Problem Area decision making, e.g. planning for a fun family weekend and use it first on small problems before taking on big ones

• You consciously or unconsciously revert back to Method I or II due to stress, pressures or not having your PET skills integrated as your natural communication process.

WHAT TO DO - Active Listen to their feelings, send an I-Message about why you did what you did and reaffirm your commitment to the relationship; return to

• The child or other person did not buy into the process and resists trying it.

WHAT TO DO - go back and Set the Stage before beginning Step I

• There are clear limits of time and/or resources or the chance for physical harm is imminent.

WHAT TO DO - explain the situation, e.g. must leave now because there are only 30 minutes before your flight leaves, etc. take action but make the commitment to use the process when time or resources are more plentiful.

• The child or other person is not ready because they are "flooded" by built up mistrust, anger, resentment or other strong feelings.

WHAT TO DO - before you try Method III, invest time in Active Listening to the child and in sending I-Messages to improve the relationship.

• No acceptable solution is found because of one of these reasons.

WHAT TO DO - choose between Fight, Flight or Submit but be aware of the risks of using one of these strategies and continue to use your skills to reinvest in the relationship.*

*Excerpt from Dr. Thomas Gordon's P.E.T. Participant Workbook

The "Apparent Magic" of the Gordon Model

By Linda Adams, President of GTI

As we recall the many things for which we are thankful, we feel especially grateful to and appreciative of all the people around the world who teach, who advocate for, who use the Gordon Model in their own lives and relationships. Ever since 1962 when Dr. Gordon taught the first PET class in a Pasadena, California cafeteria until August of this year when Sister Estelle Fontaine taught a group in Mauritius (Indian Ocean), we have heard stories of "apparent magic"--stories that are made possible by our representatives and instructors throughout the world. Here are some we'd like to share with you that illustrate the universal applicability and relevance of this model to all relationships.

Married Couple Find Themselves On A Date In Tokyo:

Situation: After dinner. Children are already in bed. A husband and wife are in the living room. The wife took a PET course and is ready to practice a Positive I-Message.

W: Dad.
H: Yeah...?
W: I suppose you must have lots of disagreeable frustration at work.
H: Oh yes, I do--lots of them.
W: You work for such a long time every day, but you know, you've never come home in a bad mood.
H: Maybe so. I let it go out while I work, you know.
W: I appreciate to see you in a good mood when you come back home. I feel happy to see you like that at home even after your long work.
H: Well, today, too--I had a quarrel with some colleagues.
W: Oh, yeah?
H: (Then he talked about what happened that day and said there were colleagues whom he trusted so much that we could even quarrel with them).

The wife comments--"There was not so strong a reaction from him that day, but what was surprising was what happened the next day. At around 10:00 that night, he called me on the phone on this way from work and invited me to go to a noodle shop near our apartment. 'Come down. I'm almost in front of our apartment'. For many years, we had not done something like this. On our way back from the noodle shop, we bought some ice cream cones and went home licking them. I knew what I had wanted to convey to him the day before was understood and accepted by him. The next morning, my husband was telling our children with a big grin: 'Hey, mom and I had a date yesterday'."

Sister Estelle Inspires Nuns:

"I went to Mauritius and La Reunion to give some Gordon trainings to Carmelite convent order nuns and to some nuns who take a very active responsibility for older people and children with problems or abandoned ones. It is to be noted that there is no Training Centre there and all of the people whom we have met were delighted with these trainings--their regret is that they did know earlier that such things could exist. Some people told me that it was personal therapy for them, opened them to other ways of living their relationships and made them look to life with much more hope."

Pickle-Packing Plant Pleased With Productivity In Maryland, USA:

Recently a plant manager shared this about LET Trainer Rob Harris who trained many of their managers, supervisors, and line-leads in the LET skills: "He was able to make a real difference in how the entire plant acted toward one another. I have seen a change in our supervision and leads that we have trying to accomplish for four years. The result is what is most impressive. We have gone the last seven months with lower consumer complaints than the previous year. We have reduced the amount of rework in the plant by $120,000 from last year. We have spent $170,000 less in overtime than the year before. Our cost per case is down by $.07. The intangible change is probably the biggest whereas stress levels are at an all time low and our teams are working together better than they ever have."

PET Behind Prison Bars:

In December of last year, an inmate at Soledad Prison, a maximum security prison in California, wrote to us letting us know that he had read the PET book in the prison library and that he would like to take a course to learn the skills. We then sent him FET (Family Effectiveness Training, the video version of PET) and received a letter from him several months later sharing this with us: "I must tell you how impressed I was with Dr. Gordon's program--it has helped me better understand how to interact not only with my own children but with my fellow inmates as well. This is a program that would help all inmates who have the willingness and desire to prepare themselves to successfully reenter their communities." He then approached the prison administration with the idea of offering the course for groups of inmates preparing for parole. FET was so well-received that there are now three ongoing courses, one of which the prison chaplain facilitates. It has become one of the most popular courses ever offered at Soledad and there are now 300 inmates on the waiting list. Recently, David shared a conversation with a fellow inmate named Albert. "Albert shook my hand and thanked me and said that before he took the FET course, he had never really known how to properly communicate with people. He felt alienated from his own children, his parents, even from his wife. He said he have acted like a drill instructor issuing orders rather than a father, son, husband. It was his way or the highway. Albert said that FET was the best thing he had done in a very long time--'it changed my life and has given it new meaning'."

And finally, this from Azza Abul-Fadl in Egypt:

"I enjoy doing these courses and cannot tell you how much I appreciate having the opportunity to work with you on this really wonderful and peace-loving mission. When I was using an I-Message with my nephew the other day to help him resolve a conflict with his fiancee, my sister told her son: "'Your aunt is speaking the words of God'--isn't this wonderful!"

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Our deepest thanks to each of you who make a unique and valued contribution to making apparent magic like this possible.
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What Are Some Common Errors in Active Listening?

Common Errors in Active Listening

The following eight faults result from the listener's failing to stay tuned in with the speaker's feelings or the inability of the listener to keep his/her own ideas or feelings out of the listening process.

Example:

Speaker: "I'm really mad that Tracy has been flirting with my boyfriend."

LISTENING FAULTS

Over Listening

Overshooting: Exaggerating the feeling the speaker expressed.

"You really hate Tracy."

Adding: Generalizing or expanding what the speaker is saying.

"You hope you never see Tracy again."

Rushing: Predicting what the speaker will say next.

"And you're probably thinking of what to do about it."

Analyzing: Interpreting speaker's motives.

"Maybe you're upset because she's so cute."

Under Listening

Undershooting: Downplaying the feelings the speaker expressed.

"You wish Tracy would mind her own business."

Omitting: Reducing or skipping important facts expressed by the speaker.

"You're upset with girls who come on to guys."

Lagging: Backtracking or failing to keep pace with the speaker.

"You said earlier that you're having a bad day."

Parroting: Repeating back nearly word-for-word what the speaker said.

"You're mad at Tracy for flirting with your boyfriend."*

*Excerpt from Dr. Thomas Gordon's F.E.T. Young Adult Resource Book

Any Research on Confrontive I-Messages?

RESEARCH SHOWING BENEFITS OF CONFRONTIVE I-MESSAGES

Baumrind, D. Child Care Practices Anteceding Three Patterns of Preschool Behavior. Genetic Psychology Monographs, 1967, 75, 43-88.

Children who rated high in self-control and self-discipline were found to have parents who refrained from punitive punishment, using instead a reasoning approach--that is, messages that told the children the negative effects of their behavior on others, as with the Confrontive I-Messages.

****

Parke, R. Effectiveness of Punishment as an Interaction of Intensity, Timing, Agent Nurturance and Cognitive Structuring. Child Development, 1969, 40, 211-235.

Cognitive messages (like I-Messages) were more influential than punishment in preventing children from playing with prohibited toys, even in the absence of the researcher. The effects of I-Messages as a deterrent continued over time, whereas the effects of punishment wore off more quickly.

****

Coopersmith, S. Antecedents of Self-Esteem. San Francisco: W.H. Freeman & Co., 1967

Mothers whose children had high self-esteem when compared with mothers whose children had low self-esteem were found to use more reasoning and verbal discussion and less arbitrary punitive discipline. This study confirms the benefits of Confrontive I-Messages which inform children of the consequences of their behavior.*

*Excerpt from Dr. Thomas Gordon's F.E.T. Adult Resource Book

Can Appreciative I-Messages Enhance Relationships?

APPRECIATIVE I-MESSAGES ENHANCE AND STRENGTHEN RELATIONSHIPS

One of the most enriching forms of self-disclosure is the Appreciative I-Message. These are messages that describe parents positive feelings toward their children. Although kids do plenty of things that are problems for parents, they also say and do plenty of things that are a pleasure, often helping a parent in unexpected ways or displaying kindness, maturity, consideration or good humor just when it's needed most. When these behaviors occur, it is appropriate and important for parents to disclose any genuine positive feelings they have about them.

Unfortunately, many parents are only self-disclosing when they are upset with their child's behavior. This is clearly appropriate self-disclosure, but the important point is that parents should disclose both their feelings of unacceptance and acceptance. Appreciative I-Messages that express appreciation, love, enjoyment and affection toward children (spouse, friends and others) can contribute greatly to warmer, closer and more enjoyable relationships. Very young children, with their building self-esteem and desire to be a "helper," seem especially to thrive on Appreciative I-Messages.

Consider the value for you, your children, or others in the following examples of Appreciative I-Messages:

• "I appreciate your taking my turn making dinner--it gave me time to finish writing some emails."
• 
  
• "I really like the story you wrote."
• 
  
• "I feel proud of you when I see you stand up for yourself like that."
• 
  
• "Honey, I really love you."

It is important that Appreciative I-Messages not be used to manipulate or "shape" a child's behavior. Such ulterior motives invariably come through to the child and make your sincerity suspect. The Appreciative I-Message should be a "no-strings attached" expression of acceptance and acknowledgment.

Even though changing your child should not be the motive, parents who express a lot of positive feelings toward their children are often automatically rewarded with less unacceptable behavior, more trust, mutual respect and cooperation, more affection and caring. Honesty, warmth and affection are highly contagious in families!*

*Excerpt from Dr. Thomas Gordon's F.E.T. Adult Resource Book

Winning vs Losing

Winning vs Losing

How we solve conflicts and problems is not a reflection on our being "good" or "bad" parents. Our approach comes from what we have learned from interactions with our own parents, teachers, friends, bosses, coworkers and others in our work and life. We are doing our best with the tools we have been given. For many parents, there is a fear of losing control and becoming victims of their children's demands. For other parents, it is a fear of becoming too dictatorial and controlling. both fears come from the win-lose way of thinking that is ingrained in today's world, work and life.

As a result of this thinking, the two most common ways to solve problems are Parent Wins and Child Loses - Method I in P.E.T. language, and Parent Loses and Child Wins - Method II. P.E.T. offers an alternative to these win-lose methods. The core idea in P.E.T. is: Parents have the right to get their needs met and, equally, so do children. Both must win; neither must lose. And the way to insure that this happens is deceptively simple and straight forward: Parent and child must commit themselves to search together until a solution is found that will meet their equally important needs, resolve the conflict, and preserve the relationship.

Learning to resolve conflicts effectively, in ways that enhance the parent-child relationship, can actually transform most conflict into positive events in a family--an opportunity for parents and children to learn about each other and the process of solving problems effectively.*

*Excerpt from Dr. Thomas Gordon's P.E.T. Participant Workbook

What is a Confrontive I-Message?

Confrontive I-Messages: How to Say What You Feel

An I-Message is a non-blameful way of talking to others when their behavior is causing a problem for you.

Since an I-Message doesn't blame the other person, s/he is much less likely to get defensive.

I-Messages are a way of taking responsibility of your own thoughts, opinions, ideas, feelings and needs and expressing them.

It's hard for someone to argue with you when you say, "I was really worried," or "I'm scared," or "I feel hurt," because you are telling them what it's like to be you, rather than sending blaming You-Messages.

With an I-Message, you're not making judgments about them or analyzing why they behaved the way they did.

A good I-Message usually contains three parts: (1) your real feelings, (2) the behavior of the other person that caused you a problem, (3) the effect that behavior has on you.

YOUR FEELINGS

The most important part of an I-Message is the expression of your feelings--to do that, you need to get in touch with the real feelings you are experiencing and then express those feelings honestly.

A feeling is an experience or a sensation that you have in response to someone or something.

Basically, you experience a wide variety of either painful or pleasurable feelings; it is even sometimes hard to know whether the feeling is painful or pleasurable (e.g. when tickled, third helping of your favorite dessert, scratching mosquito bites).

Your feelings center in your body, not in your head (e.g., fear can be directly felt in shaking, heart pumping, stomach churning).

Thoughts are not the same as feelings; thoughts concern facts, information and knowledge--things in your head.

Your feelings are always changing, you never feel exactly the same from minute to minute place to place, person to person.

THE OTHER'S BEHAVIOR

An important purpose of an I-Message is describing the unacceptable behavior of the other person is a non-blameful way.

Another's behavior is only what you can directly observe, see, hear, smell, taste or feel.

Another's attitudes, feelings, motives and thoughts are not behaviors because you cannot directly observe them.

You can only guess about another's attitudes, motives and feelings. These guesses about what's going on inside another person are only judgments or evaluations.

These are behaviors:

• My brother almost ways has the remote control.
• My friend said s/he didn't like my new girl/boyfriend.

These are judgments of behaviors:

• He's selfish.
• My friend is jealous.*

*Excerpt from Dr. Thomas Gordon's F.E.T. Young Adult Resource Book

Do You Have A Values Collision?

Values Collisions

A value is anything a person believes will make the quality of life better, or very concrete like food or money.

Parents generally want their children to adopt their values in the believe that their children's lives will become as enhanced as their own lives have or could have been.

By and large, children do adopt the great majority of likeable parents' values. They do so largely because children watch their parents closely and copy every behavior that seems to work, form holding a fork in a way that gets food into the mouth to adopting particular opinions about life. This process is called "modeling" and is by far the strongest influence parents have on their children.

Another powerful way of transferring values to a child is for the parents to share and discuss their values before they become an issue; that is, to teach values in the No Problem Area. An example would be a discussion of feelings and beliefs about sex with a pre-adolescent child. However, since the child's life is a separate life from the parents, with other resources of influence impacting the child, some of the parent's values will be rejected by the child as not enhancing and other values will be adopted that are more appealing. For one thing, the child will come into contact with other models in daily life, on T.V., in books, at school, etc. who will appear to have done a better job of life-enhancing in certain areas than the child's parents.

The child will also encounter problems and opportunities in life for which the parents provided no modeling, so the child will need to reach for other sources of values with these problems.

When the parent experiences the child's new or different values (in verbal and nonverbal forms), some of these behaviors will be acceptable and others will not. The parent's problem then becomes how to deal with those new values that are not acceptable to them.

Some of these unacceptable behaviors will have tangible effects on the parent which the child can recognize and accept when confronted with an I-Message. However, when confronted with an I-Message. However, when a child's behavior is unacceptable to the parent and the child is unable to see any tangible effect on the parent, and when the value behind the child's behavior is very strong, it is usually impossible to motivate a change out of consideration for the parent's feeling alone.

Situations like these are called Values Collisions and unlike other conflicts, their resolution does not lie in tapping the child's motivation to change in order to help the parents; the child's motivation to change must be internal, i.e. to help him/herself. There are a number of ways to facilitate this self-directed change.

This is the opportunity to work out any Values Collisions with The Behavior Window. And, here are some behaviors parents have told us their children considered nonnegotiable:

• Having a friend parents don't like
• Having pierced body parts or tatoos
• Wearing jeans full of holes, beat-up sneakers, etc.
• Having dyed hair
• Wanting to quit college and become a musician
• Joining a church of a different denomination from the parents' or deciding not to go to church, temple, etc.
• Smoking cigarettes
• Having dates with a member of another race of religion
• Smoking marijuana*

*Excerpt from Dr. Thomas Gordon's F.E.T. Adult Resource Book

What Is "The Behavior Window"?

The Behavior Window

In your personal and school life you have many relationships; each one and each person with whom you interact is unique and different.

In relationships, you cannot see inside others. You can't really know what they are thinking or feeling, what they value, or what their needs are. You can only see, hear or touch their behaviors.

A very useful way of thinking about another's behavior is to understand and utilize what Dr. Gordon has called your BEHAVIOR WINDOW. Each and every behavior of another person you'll "see" through "your window".

First, what exactly do we mean by a "behavior?" It is something a person is doing or saying. You can see it, hear it or touch it.

Here are some behaviors. The second list are judgments or evaluations of that behavior. We don't call those judgments "behaviors." So they are not put into the Behavior Window.

These are behaviors

• My Dad said he wanted me home by midnight.
• My English teacher gave me a "D" on my paper.
• She doesn't smile or laugh when I talk to her.
• She has a tattoo on her ankle.
• He wears clothes that were in style five years ago.

These are judgments of behaviors

• Dad hassles me.
• S/he doesn't like me.
• She's always in a bad mood.
• She's so cool.
• He's a nerd.

Yet, when you experience the behavior of any other person, your reaction or response nearly always takes one of two basic forms--either you find the other's behavior acceptable to you or you find it unacceptable.

The Window represents this idea of acceptance or uncceptance of another person's behavior.*

*Excerpt from Dr. Thomas Gordon's F.E.T. Young Adult Resource Book