Have A Values Collision?

Values Collisions

When you have a values collision, the first step is to understand the real differences between you and the other person. Active Listening is the best tool for doing this.

The next step requires you to make a choice. Can you accept the differences and let things be, or do you really feel it important to try to change the other person?

Can you reconsider your values and perhaps move closer to the other person's? Can you decide to accept the differences between you as they are and stop colliding?

If you decide to change the other person, you must consider the risk to the relationship. Is it worth it to try to change my friend? Will it hurt our friendship?

If changing the other is really important to you, start by attempting to change the specific behavior of the other that is upsetting for you.

I-Messages or No-Lose Problem Solving are the skills to use to change another's behavior that is upsetting you.

And finally, even if you've succeeded in changing the other's actions, you may still want to influence the other to change his/her value.

If you feel very strongly that the person would be much "better off" or "happier" if your values were adopted, there are two new skills you can learn to influence (but not control) the other to change.

1. MODELING: setting a personal example for the other; acting out, really living the values that you believe in; over a period of time your values may be adopted by the other person.
2. CONSULTING: influencing or persuading the other by pointing out the advantages of your values; to be effective, your consultation must be welcomed and preferably invited by the other person.*

*Excerpt from Dr. Thomas Gordon's F.E.T. Young Adult Resource Book

What Happens When Method III Doesn't Work?

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN METHOD III DOESN'T WORK

Your success with Method III will increase with time as you become more and more skillful with the process and your Active Listening, I-Messages and Gear Shifting skills become more natural. As your children and family member's level of trust and comfort with Method III grows, your success rate also increases.

When Method III does not "work", it is usually related to one of these factors:

• The skill, experience and comfort level of the parent is lacking.

WHAT TO DO - continue to develop your skills; use Method III in No Problem Area decision making, e.g. planning for a fun family weekend and use it first on small problems before taking on big ones

• You consciously or unconsciously revert back to Method I or II due to stress, pressures or not having your PET skills integrated as your natural communication process.

WHAT TO DO - Active Listen to their feelings, send an I-Message about why you did what you did and reaffirm your commitment to the relationship; return to

• The child or other person did not buy into the process and resists trying it.

WHAT TO DO - go back and Set the Stage before beginning Step I

• There are clear limits of time and/or resources or the chance for physical harm is imminent.

WHAT TO DO - explain the situation, e.g. must leave now because there are only 30 minutes before your flight leaves, etc. take action but make the commitment to use the process when time or resources are more plentiful.

• The child or other person is not ready because they are "flooded" by built up mistrust, anger, resentment or other strong feelings.

WHAT TO DO - before you try Method III, invest time in Active Listening to the child and in sending I-Messages to improve the relationship.

• No acceptable solution is found because of one of these reasons.

WHAT TO DO - choose between Fight, Flight or Submit but be aware of the risks of using one of these strategies and continue to use your skills to reinvest in the relationship.*

*Excerpt from Dr. Thomas Gordon's P.E.T. Participant Workbook

Do You Have A Values Collision?

Values Collisions

A value is anything a person believes will make the quality of life better, or very concrete like food or money.

Parents generally want their children to adopt their values in the believe that their children's lives will become as enhanced as their own lives have or could have been.

By and large, children do adopt the great majority of likeable parents' values. They do so largely because children watch their parents closely and copy every behavior that seems to work, form holding a fork in a way that gets food into the mouth to adopting particular opinions about life. This process is called "modeling" and is by far the strongest influence parents have on their children.

Another powerful way of transferring values to a child is for the parents to share and discuss their values before they become an issue; that is, to teach values in the No Problem Area. An example would be a discussion of feelings and beliefs about sex with a pre-adolescent child. However, since the child's life is a separate life from the parents, with other resources of influence impacting the child, some of the parent's values will be rejected by the child as not enhancing and other values will be adopted that are more appealing. For one thing, the child will come into contact with other models in daily life, on T.V., in books, at school, etc. who will appear to have done a better job of life-enhancing in certain areas than the child's parents.

The child will also encounter problems and opportunities in life for which the parents provided no modeling, so the child will need to reach for other sources of values with these problems.

When the parent experiences the child's new or different values (in verbal and nonverbal forms), some of these behaviors will be acceptable and others will not. The parent's problem then becomes how to deal with those new values that are not acceptable to them.

Some of these unacceptable behaviors will have tangible effects on the parent which the child can recognize and accept when confronted with an I-Message. However, when confronted with an I-Message. However, when a child's behavior is unacceptable to the parent and the child is unable to see any tangible effect on the parent, and when the value behind the child's behavior is very strong, it is usually impossible to motivate a change out of consideration for the parent's feeling alone.

Situations like these are called Values Collisions and unlike other conflicts, their resolution does not lie in tapping the child's motivation to change in order to help the parents; the child's motivation to change must be internal, i.e. to help him/herself. There are a number of ways to facilitate this self-directed change.

This is the opportunity to work out any Values Collisions with The Behavior Window. And, here are some behaviors parents have told us their children considered nonnegotiable:

• Having a friend parents don't like
• Having pierced body parts or tatoos
• Wearing jeans full of holes, beat-up sneakers, etc.
• Having dyed hair
• Wanting to quit college and become a musician
• Joining a church of a different denomination from the parents' or deciding not to go to church, temple, etc.
• Smoking cigarettes
• Having dates with a member of another race of religion
• Smoking marijuana*

*Excerpt from Dr. Thomas Gordon's F.E.T. Adult Resource Book

What Are Some Typical Questions About I-Messages?

Typical Questions About I-Messages

Q: Won't I-Messages be perceived as disguised You-Messages and therefore meet similar resistance?

A: Quite possibly...however, as the level of trust increases in a relationship over time, the likelihood of resistance may diminish. In any case, Shifting Gears to Active Listening will help.

Q: Won't I-Messages make the other person feel guilty?

A: Yes, they might, especially if his/her behavior has hurt you. But such guilt may be appropriate. And you can help the other to handle any guilt s/he expresses by Shifting Gears to Active Listening.

Q: Must all three parts always be present in a Confrontive I-Message?

A: No. Sending the three elements-behavior, tangible effects, and feelings--is the strongest, most potent influencer available; but just feelings or just effects may produce change--especially if the other's need is not strong and/or the relationship is close.

Q: If there are no tangible and concrete effects on me from the other person's unacceptable behavior, does that mean I'm supposed to stop feeling unaccepting, hurt, sad, or worried?

A: No. It simply means that since the other person's behavior is not tangibly interfering with your needs, s/he may be unmotivated to change, and you will have to rely on the less predictable Values Collision options. And you may still feel upset about the other's behavior.

Q: Doesn't the influencing ability of I-Messages eventually "wear out" from overuse, and don't I-Messages then have to be replaced by reprimanding, "training", or the use of coercive power?

A: The consistent use of I-Messages (as opposed to You-Messages or power) usually results in a closer, more mutually respectful relationship, especially if you also help the other when s/he has a problem. I-Messages only "wear out" if they continue to be used repeatedly when, in fact, the situation is an unacknowledged Conflict of Needs or Values Collision. Remedy: Switch to Method III or the Values Options.

Q: Am I doomed to send nothing but I-Messages from now on and to seeing all other ways of influencing people's behavior as "no-no's"?

A: No. You can ask or request someone to do something, or to change their behavior. The critical issue here is that a request is not fair unless you're willing to accept either yes or no for an answer.

Q: What is wrong with I-Messages that deal with my perception of the other person's attitudes (for example, that the other person is inconsiderate, rude, negative, rejecting, or uncaring)?

A: These are usually ineffective--except occasionally in primary relationships, such as with spouses or close friends, in which the issue of caring is paramount. And even then, unless the other is very secure and undefensive, these messages are hard to handle. The reasons why messages about the other's attitude are usually ineffective are:

• No matter how one dresses them up, they are always You-Messages--the problem is identified as the fault of the other person.
• The tangible effect of another's attitude on the sender is not clear and, therefore, not very motivating.
• They almost never square with the other's self-perception--the other has only been trying to meet some personal need. Trying to convince him/her his/her goal-seeking behavior entailed a bad attitude as well simply stirs up unproductive resistance.
• And, finally, even if I am correct, how can I change another's insides anyway?

In these situations, the best and truest I-Message is often, "When I experience you (behavior), I feel concerned and it is interfering with the quality of our relationship." Such courageous self-disclosure can work wonders.*

*Excerpt from Dr. Thomas Gordon's F.E.T. Adult Resource book

Have A Values Collision? Can You Accept It?

ACCEPTING WHAT CANNOT BE CHANGED

A note about Values Collisions, and to stress the essential ambiguity of dealing with troubling behaviors of others that don't really affect our own lives, here is a famous and profound verse by Reinhold Niebuhr which says it all:

The Serenity Prayer

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

The courage to change the things I can,

And the wisdom to know the difference.

This is not a prayer for change. It is merely a dramatic way of making the important point that we need to accept the reality that some things can be changed and some things cant.

In the case of values, it takes courage to attempt to change your child through modeling or consulting, or change yourself through a careful examination of the real worth of your values and your child's. If change is possible and desirable and you don't make the attempt, you, the child, or the relationship may suffer. But blind determination to change the child or yourself when no change is really possible can be just as destructive. The serenity prayer urges you to use wisdom in deciding which course to follow.

Serenity comes with the realization that after the use of all your skills, the number of remaining unacceptable behaviors and values is very small compared to the satisfaction gained from the warm, caring relationship you have helped create. You may decide ultimately to put up with a small number of unacceptable behaviors this time "for the relationship's own good."*

*Excerpt from Dr. Thomas Gordon's F.E.T. Adult Resource book

What Are Your Values?

Values

Values are the things that you see as "good" and "desirable" in your life.

Something is a value if you think it is "good", "right" or correct, important, necessary or in some other way desirable for you or for others.

There are three basic kinds of values:

1. IDEAS: beliefs, opinions, ways of seeing things (e.g., religious, political, moral, artistic).
2. THINGS: material objects, people, places, possessions (e.g. money, friends, family, cars, clothes, etc.).
3. EXPERIENCES: activities, events, actions, happenings (e.g., playing sports, listening to music, being with friends, seeing beautiful things).

Values are deeply held and an important part of your identity (e.g., "I am Catholic, musician, Puerto Rican, etc."). As a result, values are hard to change.

You have strong feelings about most of your values, especially when they are questions or "put down."

No two values are the same; there are a few "facts" in the values area.

Differences in values can affect your relationships with others, especially when the differences are great and you or the other person cannot accept the difference. This brings about a values collision--a clashing of ideas about what's "good for you."

These values collisions are normal and unavoidable; how they are solved is the important thing.*

*Excerpt from Dr. Thomas Gordon's Family Effectiveness Training (F.E.T.) Young Adult Resource book

How Do I Modify Myself When There is a Values Collision?

Level 1 - Modifying Yourself

Many parents, upon close examination of their values, often as a result of a values "collision" with their child, decide not to make an issue out of their differences. Instead of setting out to change their child, they change themselves, in some instances by simply accepting the differences that exist (i.e., lowering their line) or by actually modifying their own values, sometimes even by adopting the child's values.

As part of the process for considering modifying yourself (or not to), there are three important questions to ask yourself.

1. What is My Value? Look below any behaviors and identify the belief that is your real value.

2. Where Did It Come From? Did I get it from my parents, church, friends or just pick it somewhere along the way without much thought?

3. Why Do I Want To Keep It? How has behaving and acting on this value helped or enriched my life? What experiences and observations have I had that support this as being an important value that I want to keep?

The answers to these questions may lead you to modify your own behaviors and even change a value. Or, you may reaffirm a value once you have clarified it and the answers to these questions become the "facts" that you can use as a consultant with your child.

Perhaps the ultimate question that parents should ask themselves before deciding to push for change in a conflict-of-values with their child is this: How important is that my child be like me and that I be like him? Or, can we be very different, unique people who can still love each other and value our relationship.*

*Excerpt from Dr. Gordon's P.E.T. Participant Workbook

What Are The Benefits To Self-Disclosure?

Self-Disclosure Benefits You and Your Relationships

Although there are some risks in being self-disclosing, the potential benefits are overwhelming--both for yourself and for your relationships with others, especially your children. These benefits include:

Knowing Yourself Better

When you disclose yourself to your children and others, you are, at the same time, talking to yourself, keeping in touch with your own thoughts and feelings, values, and beliefs. You maintain awareness, responsibility, and control of your inner experiences.

Liking Yourself Better

You feel better about yourself as a parent, and as a person, when you are open, honest, and clear with your children; when you express who you are and what you think and believe, you feel strong, responsible, confident.

Being Better Understood By Others

Your self-disclosure leads to a more accurate understanding by others of who you really are. Your children will know the important thoughts, feelings, and values you want them to know. They won't be confused, in the dark, and worried about where you stand on certain issues. Tension and uncertainty will be replaced by a new, secure awareness of who you really are.

Encouraging Self-Disclosure In Your Child

Your openness, directness, and sincerity will invariably encourage the same from your children and from others around you. Honesty is very contagious in families when it is modeled by the parent, along with the attitude that the home is a "safe place" for everyone to express true thoughts and feelings. Generally, this kind of self-disclosure draws families closer together. Indifference, alienation, and tension recede. Trust and mutual caring take their place.

Conflicts Are Prevented

The other members of your family can better meet your needs when they have a clear picture of what you want. The chances of having conflicts with your children resulting from unknown or uncommunicated needs are thus greatly reduced. Expressing yourself openly and clearly will eliminate unwanted surprise, unpreparedness, and the unexpected from your relationships. In a family where openness and genuineness prevail, tension, resentment, and silent suffering simply have no opportunity to grow.

What is the Difference? A Values Difference vs. Values Collision

What is a "value"?

Many countries and organizations have constitutions. These constitutions are made of ideals, and beliefs which spell out how that country or organization is to function.

Values are the ideals and beliefs which make up our own personal "constitution" and determine how we behave and interact with others.

A behavior is not a value.

Ask yourself this question, "Does the attitude or belief of the other person have a direct and tangible effect on me?"

If the answer is no, it may indicate a values conflict.

VALUE: a belief or ideal which shapes behavior

We feel very strongly about some of our values and less strongly about others and this can determine whether or not we have a Difference of Values or a Collision of Values with our child or other person.

Values Differences

We may not like something our child or another person says, believes or does, but our feeling is; "I can 'live with it'."

Factors that can influence this are:

• my relationship with the other person; i.e. my child or a casual acquaintance

• The situation: i.e. young child living at home or 24-year old son/daughter living on his/her own

Values Collisions

In other situations the value involved may be one about which you feel very strongly and it is a fundamental part of your "Personal Constitution".

Additionally, the other person is your own child, partner or very close friend or colleague and your life or work together is directly affected by your conflicting values.

In these situations you want to influence your child/other because you don't feel you can "live with it". You feel the child/other has a problem and that his/her ideal, belief and accompanying behaviors will have a negative impact on his/her life.

Here's an example:

A pre-teen wanting to wear very short skirts and skimpy, provocative tops.

What do you think this is? A Values Difference or a Values Collision?