14 Benefits of Active Listening

Here is a list of some of the main benefits of using Active Listening:

1. Is it your check on the accuracy of your listening
2. It shows the sender that you are interested in him or her
3. It proves to the sender that not only have you heard, you have understood
4. It tells the sender you can accept him/her as a troubled person NOTE: The keyword here is accept (i.e., the sender's behaviors are in the top of the Behavior Window), not agree with. You can accept his/her having a feeling you might not have or a thought you don't agree with.
5. It gives the sender a chance to ventilate, to feel relieved, to have catharsis. When feelings are expressed and accepted, they lose their grip on the person and become less disabling. when held in, feelings tend to remain strong and fester (as opposed to a popular fear that is one listens to and accepts another's feelings, those feelings will get out of hand).
6. Active Listening fosters others doing their own problem definition and problem solving. It keeps the responsibility with the sender, yet the listener remains involved. The sender holds onto the ball.
7. It relieves "emotional flooding" and frees the intellect to get back to work.
8. It fosters the sender moving from a superficial to the deeper, more basic problem.
9. It avoids fastening onto and "solving" the "presenting problem".
10. It helps the sender deal with feelings, not just the facts.
11. Active listening frequently fosters the sender's insights - new ways of seeing things, new attitudes, new behaviors, new understanding of self.
12. It fosters the sender being more open and honest with you - more willing to use you as a helping agent.
13. It promotes a more intimate and warm relationship. The sender feels warm and positive toward the listener. The listener better understands the sender and feels more positive toward him or her.
14. It helps the sender grow toward being an internal problem solver, toward being less dependent on others for solutions, toward being more self-responsible, more self-directing; master of his or her own fate or destiny.

These are only a few of the many benefits that Active Listening can do for your relationships. Thought of another one that isn't listed here? Leave a comment!

Silence Speaks Volumes

By Linda Adams, President of GTI

Silence can mean many things in interpersonal relationships. It's ambiguous. It can express lots of different emotions ranging from joy, happiness, grief, embarrassment to anger, denial, fear, withdrawal of acceptance or love. What it means depends on the context.

When Silence is Golden

Silence can be a very powerful way to "be" with another person, especially when they are troubled. It can communicate acceptance of the other person as they are as of a given moment, and particularly when they have strong feelings like sorrow, fear or anger.

This kind of silence means being willing and able to give the other person your full attention. This includes appropriate eye contact, and gestures like nodding, leaning forward, smiling, frowning, and other facial expressions which let the other person know you really hear them.

Being quiet and not saying anything gives them the space and uninterrupted time to talk about whatever is on their mind. When another person has a decision to make, a problem to solve or simply a need to express themselves, silence can often provide the opportunity for them to have time to talk, reflect and decide without outside pressure.

This is not the same as the "bite your tongue" kind of silence when you want very much to jump in and offer advice or reassurance, ask questions or give your opinion, but you restrain yourself. That kind of silence is full of judgment and indicates that you aren't really listening to them, but instead are focused on your own reactions about what they're saying.

It is essential that the silence be experienced as accepting; people pick up on judgments and evaluation (negative or positive) even when they're communicated silently. If you don't accept the other person as they are, that will most likely be quite apparent to them. And they will be less likely to share their feelings and problems with you at other times.

It goes without saying that silence as a helping skill has a limitation--while it can help others get started talking and help them feel accepted, it doesn't prove that the listener has understood. For that, you'll need Active Listening.

When You Silence Yourself

"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter."
Martin Luther King, Jr.

Sometimes we need to speak up and don't do it.

Too frequently, we silence ourselves when we have feelings we think or feel sure the other person won't want to hear. We often do this because we value the relationship and are afraid that it will worsen or even end if we say how we really feel. Ironically, without honest and open dialogue, there is no possibility of a deeper and better relationship. Silencing yourself contributes to the very thing you want to avoid. Further, if it's anger, resentment or another strong negative feeling that you have, keeping silent doesn't make that feeling dissipate. Just the opposite happens--the unspoken problem remains, distancing occurs and the relationship suffers as a result.

At other times, you feel hurt, angry or upset by something another person says or does. Because letting them know how you feel makes you vulnerable, you decide to keep those feelings inside and withhold them from the other person. Sulking, pouting, pursed lips, not answering, abrupt answers, ignoring the other person, giving them the "cold shoulder" are signs of this kind of silence, otherwise known as "the silent treatment." Invariably, the silent treatment is hurtful to everyone involved. Even so, many of us have a tendency to withdraw and withhold when we're in emotional pain, especially from the person we perceive is causing it.

The alternative to the silent treatment doesn't have to be lashing out in anger at the other person. That just causes the problem to escalate and become an even bigger issue than it started out to be. A far better approach is to be willing and able to talk to them honestly about how you feel and why--without blame. For example, let's say your spouse/partner forgot your anniversary (or birthday) which was very hurtful to you. Instead of giving them the silent treatment or lashing out at them, a better alternative would be to say: "I'm so hurt that you didn't remember our anniversary." Or that your boss didn't give you a promotion you thought was a "done deal". Instead of saying nothing and suffering in silence (and resentment), say "I feel very confused and disappointed that I didn't get the promotion that I expected and I'd like to talk with you about it."

When we drop our pretenses and defenses and are authentic in our significant relationships, we experience relief, heightened self-worth and a deeper sense of meaning. It is one of the joys of existence.

Are There Active Listening Guidelines?

Active Listening Guidelines

Know when to use Active Listening. Use it only when you're free enough of your problems to feel accepting and want to help other people with their problems.

Know when not to use Active Listening. It won't work when you're feeling unaccepting of the other person - when you own the problem. Nor will it work to influence them to change some behavior you don't accept.

Avoid pushing or imposing your Active Listening on the other person. Listen for clues that the other doesn't want to talk or has finished talking.

Use the other listening skills: silence, acknowledgment responses, and door openers. Every response of the other person does not need feedback. Use Active Listening primarily when feelings are strong and the other person's need to be heard is apparent.

When the other person needs information, give it. Just make sure you first know what the real problem is, and be sure your information is wanted by the other person. Give your information briefly and effectively. And, of course be prepared to have your ideas rejected - they might not be appropriate or helpful.

Don't expect the other person to arrive at your preferred solution. Remember, Active Listening is for helping other people resolve their problems - a tool for helping them find their own solutions. Be prepared for times when no solution surfaces - the other person might not even tell you how they later solved the problem. They will know, but you won't.

Don't give up too quickly. It takes time for other people to realize you really do want to understand and that you are accepting of their problems and feelings.

Competence comes only with practice. You won't become competent at Active Listening without lots of practice. Practice with your spouse/friends/children.

Accept that Active Listening at first will feel artificial. It undoubtedly feels more gimmicky to you than to the other person. With practice, you'll feel more natural and less clumsy.*

*Excerpt Dr. Thomas Gordon's programs

Do You Need To Use Preventive I-Messages?

Holiday Season and Communication

The holidays. What can be a very stressful time of the year - with family/friends visiting, traveling, holiday shopping and everything in between - it is important to remember what the upcoming festivities are about. Self-disclosure and effective communication will benefit healthy relationships. This is where we all could practice using our Preventive I-Messages.

Self-disclosure is direct and congruent communication and action. It involves sharing with other people what’s going on inside you (needs, feelings, wants). The Preventive I-Message is a communication to someone who is significant in your life, someone who can help you in getting your needs met. It is a direct, clear, and congruently strong expression, avoiding either submissive or aggressive overtones. It contains, to a greater or lesser degree, a possible solution to your need, representing the responsibility you have taken to understand and then act to meet your own needs.

The benefits or advantages of the Preventive I-Message extend to you, the other person, and the health of the on-going relationship, including the following results:

You maintain awareness, responsibility and control of your needs and feelings.

Others know your needs and the strength of your feelings about them.

You model openness, directness, thus encouraging reciprocal self-disclosure by others.

Others are better able to meet your needs when they have a clear picture of what you want.

Others have advance notice of your need and can adjust their behavior accordingly.

You and others reduce the chances of future conflicts that can result from unknown or uncommunicated needs.

You reduce the element of surprise, unpreparedness, and unexpected conflict from the relationship.

You save yourself and others time, energy and resources that can result from unanticipated conflicts.

You plan your life, take responsibility and prepare for future needs.

The Preventive I-Message generally consists of two parts: (1) the self-disclosure ("I want..." or "I need...") and (2) the reason (usually desired consequence) for the self-disclosure ("I want...because...").

Here is an example of a Preventive I-Message:

"I'd really like to visit my folks this year as part of our vacation...I miss them and really feel out of touch with their lives."*

*Excerpt from Gordon Training International's Be Your Best Participant Workbook

What is the Value of Clear Self-Disclosure?

The Value of Clear Self-Disclosure

When you communicate clearly you are telling others about yourself. Therefore, you want to be:

• open
• direct
• honest
• real
• straight
• genuine
• clear
• upfront

You want to give accurate information about you.

You want to share how things are really going for you.

You want to express your real thoughts and feelings.

You want to avoid blaming others or telling them what they should or shouldn't do.*

*Excerpt from Dr. Thomas Gordon's F.E.T. Young Adult Resource Book

Have You Checked the Results?

Step 6: CHECKING THE RESULTS

There are Six Steps of the "No-Lose Method". After going through the first five steps, Step 6: Checking The Results is important to make certain everyone's needs have been met and the solutions from Method III conflict resolution turns out to be the best.

It's not always the case that all solutions from Method III conflict resolution turn out that way. Sometimes you or the other will discover weaknesses in the solution that will require modification or rejection for a better solution.

It is important to seek out the other's feelings about the solutions as well as to keep in touch with your feelings about the conflict resolution results.

Both of you should have an understanding that decisions are always open for mutually acceptable revisions.

Sometimes those new to Method III will discover that they have overcommitted themselves--in their enthusiasm they agreed to do too much or the impossible. Be sure to keep the door open for revision if this happens.

Remember:

Your best tools for effective No-Lose Conflict Resolution will always be:

• Active Listening
• Clear and Honest Sending of Your Needs with Non-Blameful I-Messages
• Trust and Respect for the Needs of the Other
• Openness to Changing Facts and Feelings
• An Unwillingness to Let Method III Fail
• Entering Method III Without Fixed Solutions
• Refusal to Revert to Method I or II*

*Excerpt from Dr. Thomas Gordon's F.E.T. Adult Resource Book

Active Listening

Active Listening

Many people think that they can get rid of their feelings by suppressing them, forgetting them, or thinking about something else. Actually, people free themselves of trouble-some feelings when they are encouraged to express them openly. Active Listening fosters this kind of catharsis.

Just like in this Baby Blues comic, the daughter is expressing to her father that she wishes her hair were like her friends (Wren’s), but as she continues to explain what kind of hair she wishes to have, her Dad “Active Listens” and feeds back to her that his daughter wishes she had the hair she already has. Which then she exclaims, “Yeah…Exactly!”

It helps children to find out exactly what they are feeling. After they express their feelings, the feelings often seem to disappear almost like magic.

Active Listening helps children become less afraid of negative feelings. “Feelings are friendly” is an expression we use in our classes to help parents come to realize feelings are not “bad.” When a parent shows by Active Listening that he accepts a child’s feelings, the child is also helped to accept them. He learns from the parent’s response that feelings are friendly.

Active Listening promotes a relationship of warmth between parent and child. The experience of being heard and understood by another person is so satisfying that it invariably makes the sender feel warm toward the listener. Children, particularly, respond with loving ideas and feelings. Similar feelings are evoked within the listener—he begins to feel warmer and closer to the sender. When one listens empathically and accurately to another, he gets to understand that person, to appreciate his way of looking at the world—in a sense, he becomes that person during the period of putting himself in his shoes. Invariably, by allowing oneself to “get inside” the other person, one produces feelings of closeness, caring and love. To empathize with another is to see him as a separate person, yet be willing to join with him for a brief period in his journey through life. Such an act involves deep caring and love. Parent who learn empathic Active Listening discover a new kind of appreciation and respect, a deeper feeling of caring; in turn, the child responds to the parent with similar feelings.

Active Listening facilitates problem-solving by the child. We know that people do a better job of thinking a problem through and toward a solution when they can “talk it out” as opposed to merely thinking about it. Because Active Listening is so effective in facilitating talking, it helps a person in his search for solutions to his problems. Everybody had heard such expressions as “let me use you as a sounding board” or “I’d like to kick this problem around with you” or “maybe it would help me to talk it out with you.”

Active Listening influences the child to be more willing to listen to the parents’ thoughts and ideas. It is a universal experience that when someone will listen to one’s own point of view, it is then easier to listen to his. Children are more likely to open themselves up to receive their parents’ messages if their parents first hear them out. When parents complain that their kids don’t listen to them, it’s a good bet that the parents are not doing an effective job of listening to the kids.

Active Listening “keeps the ball with the child.” When parent respond to their kids’ problems b Active Listening, they will observe how often kids start thinking for themselves. A child will start to analyze his problem on his own, eventually arriving at some constructive solutions. Active Listening conveys trust, while messages of advice, logic, instruction, and the like convey distrust by taking over the problem-solving responsibility from the child. Active Listening is therefore one of the most effective ways of helping a child become more self-directing, self-responsible, and independent.*

*Active Listening excerpt from Dr. Thomas Gordon's P.E.T. Book

Benefits You Can Look Forward To

Many young people who have learned the Gordon Model of building democratic relationships have willingly shared the benefits and rewards they have experienced.

They always begin by talking about their own family:

• "When my Mom and Dad and I don't agree on everything, it (the skills) really helps because we don't let things get out of control and everyone's feelings are less likely to get hurt."
• "I have learned not to yell as much and have learned to be patient until finding a compromise."
• "I know what to do when an argument starts."
• "I can now talk to my parents about anything, and I know they will listen without preaching--even if what I tell them might upset them or disappoint them."
• "My friends find it hard to believe that I have really good relationship with both of my parents."
• "I feel that my parents are my best friends."
• "Nobody in my family is the boss."

These young people also describe the benefits they have received in their relationships with their friends or at work:

• "All my friends know they can come to me with any kind of problem and get heard. They know I am a good Active Listener."
• "I know that any conflict that comes up with my friends can be resolved using the skills I've learned."
• "I'm able to distance myself from my friends' problems and let them be the owners of their problems."
• "The training has made me a better problem-solver when things go wrong in my life. I know how to brainstorm."

There is one final benefit you may not be aware of. Young people, like yourself, raise in a non-punitive and democratic family will themselves to create such a family when they marry and have children. Then those children will do the same, and the next generation of children will follow, and so on.

Can you see that you can make a valuable contribution to society? In successive generations there will be more and more young people like yourself and more and more democratic families. You will be helping create a whole "new species" of young people, clearly different from the typical youth of today. There will be fewer acts of injustice and violence, few juvenile delinquents, fewer divorces, and so on.

In short, you can now contribute to our society by being one of the people who makes democracy a way of life.*

*Excerpt from Dr. Thomas Gordon's F.E.T. Young Adult Resource Book

Why Is Conflict a Good Thing?

Why Conflict is a Good Thing

By Linda Adams, President of GTI

Conflicts between people are a normal, natural and inevitable part of life--at work, at home and in all our relationships with others. Unfortunately, most of us don't really accept this fact and we still get surprised and distressed when it's clear that a conflict has emerged.

As long as everything is going along smoothly, it's easy to be considerate and respectful of another person's needs. They are in no way interfering with our own. But the emergence of a conflict can change all that--now we can feel threatened, anxious and angry. The same person whom we enjoyed working with yesterday now seems like an adversary. That's because of our vast, past experience with conflict, most of which was negative.

We have a negative attitude toward conflict primarily because we haven't learned constructive ways to deal with it--in fact, the converse is true: we have learned destructive ways of handling conflict. As children, as students and as employees (and too often as spouses) we have experienced losing in a conflict because parents, teachers and bosses use/d their power to win at our expense. Even though we know the feelings of resentment, anger, dislike, even hostility that we experience as a result of losing, the win-lose posture is deeply ingrained and when we get in positions where we have power over people, we often choose to win at their expense.

A great deal of research shows the damaging effects that win-lose conflict resolution has on interpersonal relationships. It creates distance, separation, dislike, even hatred. It's the main reason people leave their jobs for new ones and marriages break up.

Viewing Conflict as Constructive

How conflicts get resolved is the critical factor in any relationship. In fact, it is the most critical factor in determining whether a relationship will be healthy or unhealthy, mutually satisfying or unsatisfying, friendly or unfriendly, deep or shallow, intimate or cold.

As most of us are aware, there is an alternative to the win-lose posture. It's often been called "win-win" or "no-lose" because the goal is to find a solution to the conflict that meets the needs of both people. Resolving conflicts this way requires three important attitudes and behaviors: 1) the attitude that conflict in general presents the opportunity for constructive change; 2) the willingness to engage in the process of mutually searching for a solution that meets the needs of both people; 3) the communication and problem solving skills that it takes to make this win-win method work. Too often, people want to resolve conflicts this way, but either are not truly willing in their heart of hearts to work for a mutually-acceptable solution or do not have the skills required to work together to find one. When this occurs, the win-win method is doomed to failure.

"Let's Keep Talking"

When you're in conflict with another person, you both are usually aware of it at some level. There's a sense of disruption, unease, something is not right. The communication between you might change, perhaps becoming superficial or terse. Or there's silence.

Once you're aware that you're in conflict, what you do next really matters. Acknowledge that a conflict exists. Very often, we decide not to acknowledge this hoping that the conflict will somehow go away or resolve itself. That rarely happens. Only when conflicts are brought out into the open, do they have the chance of being dealt with effectively.

And as I just mentioned, dealing with conflict effectively requires skills--skills that are proven to work, sometimes like magic. When you have these skills, the idea of facing conflicts with others is not nearly so daunting, and in fact can be stimulating and energizing. (There are very few intractable problems to which there are no mutually-acceptable solutions.)

Dialogue is the key element in constructive conflict resolution. Dialogue is made up of two very different communication skills, both of which are essential--listening with empathy and non-blameful self-disclosure. As Reuel Howe states in his book, The Miracle of Dialogue: "...it must be mutual and proceed from both sides, and the parties to it must persist relentlessly...when two persons undertake it and accept their fear of doing so, the miracle-working power of dialogue may be released."

The importance of listening with empathy to the other person's needs, feelings and beliefs cannot be overstated. This means experiencing what it feels like to be in the other person's shoes at that moment and then reflecting what you hear back to them to check whether you understood correctly. This can be very difficult to do especially when you have strong opposing viewpoints or feelings, but it's possible when you're truly intent on understanding. Something amazing happens when people feel understood and accepted at a deep level. Their need to hold onto their preconceived solution to the conflict often dissipates. And often their strong emotional feelings subside.

The other essential part of dialogue is non-blameful self-disclosure. Now it's your turn to talk about your needs and disclose your feelings without blaming the other person. Ideally, they will be committed to listening empathically to you, to put themselves in your shoes, to experience your reality. When that happens, you too can feel catharsis, and be more open to finding a mutually-satisfying solution. Once the basic needs of each person are clearly defined and understood, moving through the other steps needed to find a solution can be done in a climate of mutual consideration and respect.

Having positive conflict resolution experiences like these are both rewarding and reinforcing. And that's a great thing.

Active Listening Benefits

Active Listening Benefits

Here is a list of some of the main benefits of using Active Listening.

1. It is your check on the accuracy of your listening.

2. It shows the sender that you are interested in him/her.

3. It proves to the sender that not only have you heard, you have understood.

4. It tells the sender you can accept him/her as a troubled person.

NOTE: The key word is accept (i.e., the sender's behaviors are in the top of the Behavior Window), not agree with. You can accept his/her having a feeling you might not have or a thought you don't agree with.

5. It gives the sender a chance to ventilate, to feel relieved, to have catharsis. When feelings are expressed and accepted, they lose their grip on the person and become less disabling. When held in, feelings tend to remain strong and fester (as opposed to a popular fear that if one listens to and accepts another's feelings, those feelings will get out of hand).

6. Active Listening fosters others doing their own problem definition and problem solving. It keeps the responsibility with the sender, yet the listener remains involved. The sender holds onto the ball.

7. It relieves "emotional flooding" and frees the intellect to get back to work.

8. It fosters the sender moving from superficial to the deeper, more basic problem.

9. It avoids fastening onto and "solving" the "presenting problem".

10. It helps the sender deal with feelings, not just the facts.

11. Active Listening frequently fosters the sender's insights--new ways of seeing things, new attitudes, new behaviors, new understanding of self.

12. It fosters the sender being more open and honest with you--more willing to use you as a helping agent.

13. It promotes a more intimate and warm relationship. The sender feels warm and positive toward the listener. The listener better understands the sender and feels more positive toward him/her.

14. It helps the sender grow toward being an internal problem-solver, toward being less dependent on others for solutions, toward being more self-responsible, more self-directing; master of his/her own fate or destiny.*

*Excerpt from Dr. Thomas Gordon's F.E.T. Adult Resource Book

What Are Some Common Errors in Active Listening?

Common Errors in Active Listening

The following eight faults result from the listener's failing to stay tuned in with the speaker's feelings or the inability of the listener to keep his/her own ideas or feelings out of the listening process.

Example:

Speaker: "I'm really mad that Tracy has been flirting with my boyfriend."

LISTENING FAULTS

Over Listening

Overshooting: Exaggerating the feeling the speaker expressed.

"You really hate Tracy."

Adding: Generalizing or expanding what the speaker is saying.

"You hope you never see Tracy again."

Rushing: Predicting what the speaker will say next.

"And you're probably thinking of what to do about it."

Analyzing: Interpreting speaker's motives.

"Maybe you're upset because she's so cute."

Under Listening

Undershooting: Downplaying the feelings the speaker expressed.

"You wish Tracy would mind her own business."

Omitting: Reducing or skipping important facts expressed by the speaker.

"You're upset with girls who come on to guys."

Lagging: Backtracking or failing to keep pace with the speaker.

"You said earlier that you're having a bad day."

Parroting: Repeating back nearly word-for-word what the speaker said.

"You're mad at Tracy for flirting with your boyfriend."*

*Excerpt from Dr. Thomas Gordon's F.E.T. Young Adult Resource Book

Can Appreciative I-Messages Enhance Relationships?

APPRECIATIVE I-MESSAGES ENHANCE AND STRENGTHEN RELATIONSHIPS

One of the most enriching forms of self-disclosure is the Appreciative I-Message. These are messages that describe parents positive feelings toward their children. Although kids do plenty of things that are problems for parents, they also say and do plenty of things that are a pleasure, often helping a parent in unexpected ways or displaying kindness, maturity, consideration or good humor just when it's needed most. When these behaviors occur, it is appropriate and important for parents to disclose any genuine positive feelings they have about them.

Unfortunately, many parents are only self-disclosing when they are upset with their child's behavior. This is clearly appropriate self-disclosure, but the important point is that parents should disclose both their feelings of unacceptance and acceptance. Appreciative I-Messages that express appreciation, love, enjoyment and affection toward children (spouse, friends and others) can contribute greatly to warmer, closer and more enjoyable relationships. Very young children, with their building self-esteem and desire to be a "helper," seem especially to thrive on Appreciative I-Messages.

Consider the value for you, your children, or others in the following examples of Appreciative I-Messages:

• "I appreciate your taking my turn making dinner--it gave me time to finish writing some emails."
• 
  
• "I really like the story you wrote."
• 
  
• "I feel proud of you when I see you stand up for yourself like that."
• 
  
• "Honey, I really love you."

It is important that Appreciative I-Messages not be used to manipulate or "shape" a child's behavior. Such ulterior motives invariably come through to the child and make your sincerity suspect. The Appreciative I-Message should be a "no-strings attached" expression of acceptance and acknowledgment.

Even though changing your child should not be the motive, parents who express a lot of positive feelings toward their children are often automatically rewarded with less unacceptable behavior, more trust, mutual respect and cooperation, more affection and caring. Honesty, warmth and affection are highly contagious in families!*

*Excerpt from Dr. Thomas Gordon's F.E.T. Adult Resource Book

What is a Confrontive I-Message?

Confrontive I-Messages: How to Say What You Feel

An I-Message is a non-blameful way of talking to others when their behavior is causing a problem for you.

Since an I-Message doesn't blame the other person, s/he is much less likely to get defensive.

I-Messages are a way of taking responsibility of your own thoughts, opinions, ideas, feelings and needs and expressing them.

It's hard for someone to argue with you when you say, "I was really worried," or "I'm scared," or "I feel hurt," because you are telling them what it's like to be you, rather than sending blaming You-Messages.

With an I-Message, you're not making judgments about them or analyzing why they behaved the way they did.

A good I-Message usually contains three parts: (1) your real feelings, (2) the behavior of the other person that caused you a problem, (3) the effect that behavior has on you.

YOUR FEELINGS

The most important part of an I-Message is the expression of your feelings--to do that, you need to get in touch with the real feelings you are experiencing and then express those feelings honestly.

A feeling is an experience or a sensation that you have in response to someone or something.

Basically, you experience a wide variety of either painful or pleasurable feelings; it is even sometimes hard to know whether the feeling is painful or pleasurable (e.g. when tickled, third helping of your favorite dessert, scratching mosquito bites).

Your feelings center in your body, not in your head (e.g., fear can be directly felt in shaking, heart pumping, stomach churning).

Thoughts are not the same as feelings; thoughts concern facts, information and knowledge--things in your head.

Your feelings are always changing, you never feel exactly the same from minute to minute place to place, person to person.

THE OTHER'S BEHAVIOR

An important purpose of an I-Message is describing the unacceptable behavior of the other person is a non-blameful way.

Another's behavior is only what you can directly observe, see, hear, smell, taste or feel.

Another's attitudes, feelings, motives and thoughts are not behaviors because you cannot directly observe them.

You can only guess about another's attitudes, motives and feelings. These guesses about what's going on inside another person are only judgments or evaluations.

These are behaviors:

• My brother almost ways has the remote control.
• My friend said s/he didn't like my new girl/boyfriend.

These are judgments of behaviors:

• He's selfish.
• My friend is jealous.*

*Excerpt from Dr. Thomas Gordon's F.E.T. Young Adult Resource Book

What Is "The Behavior Window"?

The Behavior Window

In your personal and school life you have many relationships; each one and each person with whom you interact is unique and different.

In relationships, you cannot see inside others. You can't really know what they are thinking or feeling, what they value, or what their needs are. You can only see, hear or touch their behaviors.

A very useful way of thinking about another's behavior is to understand and utilize what Dr. Gordon has called your BEHAVIOR WINDOW. Each and every behavior of another person you'll "see" through "your window".

First, what exactly do we mean by a "behavior?" It is something a person is doing or saying. You can see it, hear it or touch it.

Here are some behaviors. The second list are judgments or evaluations of that behavior. We don't call those judgments "behaviors." So they are not put into the Behavior Window.

These are behaviors

• My Dad said he wanted me home by midnight.
• My English teacher gave me a "D" on my paper.
• She doesn't smile or laugh when I talk to her.
• She has a tattoo on her ankle.
• He wears clothes that were in style five years ago.

These are judgments of behaviors

• Dad hassles me.
• S/he doesn't like me.
• She's always in a bad mood.
• She's so cool.
• He's a nerd.

Yet, when you experience the behavior of any other person, your reaction or response nearly always takes one of two basic forms--either you find the other's behavior acceptable to you or you find it unacceptable.

The Window represents this idea of acceptance or uncceptance of another person's behavior.*

*Excerpt from Dr. Thomas Gordon's F.E.T. Young Adult Resource Book

What Is A Declarative I-Message?

Declarative I-Messages

The most basic form of self-disclosure is the Declarative I-Message - your disclosure to others of your beliefs, ideas, likes, dislikes, feelings, thoughts, reactions, etc. Declarative I-Messages are statements which let other people know better - let them know how you feel and where you stand.

Some examples of Declarative I-Messages:

I love to dance.

I don't enjoy violent movies.

I'm spiritual, but not religious.

I'd like to learn to speak French.

There are so many candidates running, I don't know who to vote for.

I enjoy hearing him give a talk because he's so articulate and funny.

And important use of the Declarative I-Message is to convey positive feelings of appreciation, pleasure, gratitude, relief or happiness to others in the form of Positive I-Messages. Unlike praise which uses labels and judgments, Positive I-Messages focus on the person's behavior and can also include the positive effects on you. Positive I-Messages are a way of acknowledging others' contributions.

Some examples of Positive I-Messages:

I really enjoy going on hikes with you.

It's a relief to know you got home safe; I appreciate your calling to let me know.

Talking with you has made my day; I value your insights so much.

I really appreciate your staying late to finish that order because we were able to make the deadline and that's a huge relief to me.

Most of our Declarative I-Messages are simple, natural expressions of what we are experiencing. In our close and intimate relationships we share many self-disclosures each day. What we are willing to disclose, of course, varies with the kind of relationship we are in and the setting in which we find ourselves. In short, we exercise a lot of judgment in disclosing ourselves to others.

Self-disclosure is obviously easiest when we perceive that others share or will agree with our own experience. It becomes more difficult and anxiety-producing when we risk disagreement and resistance from others. We don't want to open ourselves up to judgment, evaluation or criticism. Willingness to self-disclose, then, is largely determined by our feelings of trust of the other person.

As you become more self-disclosing you will find that others are more willing to disclose their experience to you. You will discover how similar you are to - and how different you are from - others in your feelings, hopes, perceptions, etc. Generally, self-disclosure draws people closer together.

In addition to these advantages, your self-disclosure helps you know yourself better, makes you more aware of how you feel, where you stand. As a result, you are in a better position to meet your important needs.

Confrontive I-Messages in Action

More free

"It seems to me (a mother that before P.E.T. I had to play certain roles--be a certain way. I don't think I have to be that way anymore. I'm free to be me. And to risk that I'll still be loved and accepted, and if not, well that's all right...And it's freed my husband to be more open, more willing to talk about things and not hold feelings in...The whole thing about sending an honest I-Message about how you feel...I feel now it's OK for me to say, "I don't have time for it or I can't do it right now."

Breaking habits

"My son, four years old at the time, had developed the habit of sliding on his rear down the carpeted stairs. I had used power messages--everything, including spanking. In my need to stop the behavior, I had forgotten all about I-Messages. One day, when he had slid down the steps again I remembered and said, "Mark, when you slide down the steps on your rear, I get very aggravated because I'm afraid the carpet will get torn loose from the steps and then the hall area will look like a mess." Mark turned to me and said simply, "I didn't know you felt that way." He has never slid down the steps since that day."

Going to church

"When our grandson, eleven years old, was visiting us recently and attended church with myself and my husband, we sat in a front pew. He repeatedly stretched his arms over his head, much to my concern that he was distracting those behind us. So I wrote him this message. "When I see your arms stretched over your head, I think you disturb others behind us and it makes me feel embarrassed." he wrote back, "I'm sorry, Grandma," and then stretched his arms in front of himself instead of over his head. Later, he wrote me a note, "Am I embarrassing you, Grandma, when I wrote on the paper?" Upon which, I wrote back, "Of course not, and I'm so happy to have you sitting in church with us."

Expressing feelings

"I (a mother) used to give out my feelings, but I would camouflage them to protect myself...I would always worry how the other person felt--how it would affect them. And now I guess I'm putting the emphasis on myself...I have a lot of resentment built up because I don't share myself. But the formula for stating the I-Message (the three parts) helps me state a negative feeling in a positive way, without hurting the other person."*

*Excerpt from Dr. Thomas Gordon's F.E.T. Adult Resource Book

Have You Evaluated Your 3-Part Confrontive I-Message?

3-Part Confrontive I-Message Evaluation

Purpose: To evaluate your own three-part Confrontive I-Messages.

Directions: Use this rating to help you improve your Confrontive I-Messages:

Very Effectively/Effectively/Not Very Effectively

I described the other's specific behavior without blame.

I described the actual, real effects the behavior had on me.

I expressed my feelings honestly.

I "shifted gears" * and listened to the other's concern, upset, etc.

I resent my I-Message when necessary.

Practice developing and sending I-Messages to family members and friends by writing down what the situation is and then the I-Message.*

What Are Some Common Mistakes in Active Listening?

COMMON MISTAKES IN ACTIVE LISTENING

The good news is that your Active Listening does not need to be perfect to work; however, you can make refinements and increase your success by understanding and avoiding these common Active Listening mistakes.

These are the eight most typical mistakes; notice that each error has a counterpart error in the opposite direction.

Here are the definitions and examples of the common mistakes.

TEENAGER: "I can't believe my new teacher. What a jerk! What stupid, dumb rules he has."

EXAGGERATING:

Intensifying the feelings being expressed.

"You really hate that teacher's guts."

ADDING:

Generalizing or expanding the scope of what the child is expressing.

"You feel he's a lousy teacher."

RUSHING AHEAD:

Anticipating the child's next thoughts.

"And so you're probably wishing they'd fire him."

ANALYZING:

Interpreting underlying motives; "psychoanalyzing" the child.

"Maybe you're upset because you're under so much pressure getting ready for finals."

MINIMIZING:

Reducing the intensity of the child's feelings.

"You're a bit bothered by your new teacher."

LEAVING OUT:

Reducing or skipping the pertinent facts expressed by the child.

"You're pretty upset today."

LAGGING BEHIND:

Not keeping up with the child's communication or continuing when the child is finished talking.

"You were saying a couple of minutes ago that..."

PARROTING:

A near word-for-word repetition of the child's communication.

"You just can't believe your new teacher. You think he's a jerk, and is rules are stupid."*

*Excerpt from Dr. Thomas Gordon's P.E.T. Participant Workbook