More Errors in Active Listening

MORE COMMON ERRORS IN ACTIVE LISTENING

1. THE NUMBER ON ERROR!: Using Active Listening when the other person's behavior is in the bottom part of the listener's Behavior Window. Nothing turns people off to Active Listening like trying to use it when another person's behavior is unacceptable to you. (An absurd example: Responding to repeated kicks in the shin with, "I get that you're feeling pretty hostile to me.") The usual cause of this unfortunate misuse of the skills is fear of confronting.
2. Using Active Listening when you have some behavior objective or the other (to cheer up, work harder, come to a realization, etc.) This also is caused by fear of confronting.
3. Using Active Listening when the others requesting specific help or information that you have and they don't, i.e., in cases of legitimate dependency. For example, "Where are the scissors?" "What's for dinner?" "I need directions on how to get there."
4. Feeding back the sender's message without including the appropriate nonverbal cues. This may occur because the listener feels too self-conscious to send them or feels it necessary to play some detached, "professional" role. But failure to approximate the tone of voice and body language appropriate to the feedback is received by the other as a denial of the feeling portions of his/her original message. Again, the naked words aren't enough.
5. Falling into the habit of using exactly the same phrase to start all your feedbacks (such as, "What I hear you saying is.."). This can get annoying fast. Use such phrases sparingly. One durable alternative is frequently to start simply with "You..." or "You're..." ("You wish you could help more." "You're pretty discouraged.")
6. Using Active Listening as a shield against another's anger at you. One or two good, very empathic feedbacks of the first onslaught can be helpful to both of you. ("Boy, you're really mad at me over this issue!") But after that, Active Listening will be seen as an infuriating attempt to dodge the anger. Switch to taking appropriate responsibility and problem solving.
7. Using Active Listening to gather enough data that you can then move in with judgment, advice and solutions. The other person will not soon again come to you to be listened to.
8. Using Active Listening to draw people out, invade their privacy. Remember that the sender owns the conversation and decides when it's to go on and when it's to stop.
9. Feeding back everything. Don't forget concerned silence (good during pauses or other's crying or sad silence) and simple acknowledgments, such as "Yeah," "Hmm," and "Uh huh" (good when other's code is crystal clear).

Simply reading through and understanding this list of the most common errors of Active Listening will sensitize you to many of them and help you avoid them. Another good use of this list is to return to it at times when your Active Listening has not been very effective or well received. At such times, one of these errors may stand out as the cause of your difficulty and put you back on track.*

*Excerpt from Dr. Thomas Gordon's F.E.T. Adult Resource Book

Active Listening Benefits

Active Listening Benefits

Here is a list of some of the main benefits of using Active Listening.

1. It is your check on the accuracy of your listening.

2. It shows the sender that you are interested in him/her.

3. It proves to the sender that not only have you heard, you have understood.

4. It tells the sender you can accept him/her as a troubled person.

NOTE: The key word is accept (i.e., the sender's behaviors are in the top of the Behavior Window), not agree with. You can accept his/her having a feeling you might not have or a thought you don't agree with.

5. It gives the sender a chance to ventilate, to feel relieved, to have catharsis. When feelings are expressed and accepted, they lose their grip on the person and become less disabling. When held in, feelings tend to remain strong and fester (as opposed to a popular fear that if one listens to and accepts another's feelings, those feelings will get out of hand).

6. Active Listening fosters others doing their own problem definition and problem solving. It keeps the responsibility with the sender, yet the listener remains involved. The sender holds onto the ball.

7. It relieves "emotional flooding" and frees the intellect to get back to work.

8. It fosters the sender moving from superficial to the deeper, more basic problem.

9. It avoids fastening onto and "solving" the "presenting problem".

10. It helps the sender deal with feelings, not just the facts.

11. Active Listening frequently fosters the sender's insights--new ways of seeing things, new attitudes, new behaviors, new understanding of self.

12. It fosters the sender being more open and honest with you--more willing to use you as a helping agent.

13. It promotes a more intimate and warm relationship. The sender feels warm and positive toward the listener. The listener better understands the sender and feels more positive toward him/her.

14. It helps the sender grow toward being an internal problem-solver, toward being less dependent on others for solutions, toward being more self-responsible, more self-directing; master of his/her own fate or destiny.*

*Excerpt from Dr. Thomas Gordon's F.E.T. Adult Resource Book

Why Are There Conditions for Active Listening?

The Appropriate Conditions for Active Listening

To listen to another with the intention of helping that person deal with a personal problem is to assume a counseling posture. Such a postures is characterized by having the intention of helping another person; using good attending behavior; being accepting, empathic, and genuine; and using Active Listening. For this counseling posture to work well, certain conditions must be present; otherwise, either the sender of the listener, or both, may resent or regret the experience. The following are the necessary conditions:

Conditions Within the Other Person

____________________________________________________________

1. Must be having strong feelings and/or be aware of having a problem,

2. Must be giving off cues and clues that express those feelings or problems ("I'm worried, I've got a problem," crying, sulking, etc.) and

3. Must be willing to talk to the listener about the situation.

What happens if these conditions are not present in the other person?

If feelings or problems are not present in the other person, or s/he is not willing to talk, taking a counseling posture can imply that the sender is "sick" and the listener is well, and Active Listening may seem like a maddening, demeaning word game. The "counselor" at such times may be greeted with scorn or hostility.

Conditions Within the Listener

______________________________________________________________

The listener must have a genuinely helpful "set" in the following areas:

1. Feel genuinely accepting (not needing to change the sender).

2. Want to help (not just be turning on a technique).

3. Have, and want to take, enough time.

(If not, a later appointment can be set up. Or if talk takes more time than expected, it can be continued at a later, agreed upon time.)

4. Trust that the other, with some helpful support, can solve their own problem better than the listener can.

What sometimes makes this difficult to believe is our long exposure to the authoritative, culturally-accepted "medical model" for helping another. In that model, any helper is seen as analogous to a "doctor" who gathers symptoms and data, diagnoses the patient's problem, and decides on an prescribes the best treatment. The helpee, as the "patient", is then expected to follow "doctor's orders." Within this cultural orientation, it is often hard to believe that the other people are their own best experts for solving their own problems.

(Incidentally, the medical profession itself is beginning to trade in this archaic approach in favor of involving patients more more in their own treatment.)

5. Feel reasonably separate from the other person and the problem.

This means recognizing clearly that you are not the other person; that his or her pain is not your pain; the other person owns the problem, not you; and that you are empathizing, not identifying.

What happens if these conditions are not present in the listener?

If these conditions are not met, the listener's Active Listening will inevitably (and usually unconsciously) reflect that in the form of:

1. Attempts to change or influence the other person with hidden solutions, judgments, etc. buried in the feedbacks.
2. Nonverbal cues of unacceptance or lack of interest.
3. Inability to decode the other person's real messages. The "inner ear" will be turned off.

The send will experience such Active Listening as manipulative, condescending, frustrating or boring, and will react with scorn or hostility.

In short, if these conditions are not met inside the listener, the time is not right for him/her to become a counselor. Instead, the listener should reevaluate the behavior responded to in terms of its placement in the Behavior Window and look again for the most appropriate choice of skills.*

* Excerpt from Dr. Thomas Gordon's F.E.T. Adult Resource Book

Clear Sending in the No-Problem Area

Letting Them Know The Real You

In this course, self-disclosing messages are referred to as I-Messages. An I-Message is a communication about the self—the “I”.

An I-Message is authentic, honest, and congruent—reflecting the actual nature and strength of your thoughts and feelings. It is a clear message, understandable, and to the point, not masked in indirect or vague language.

Declarative I-Messages Are The Basic Form of Self-Disclosure

They are the declaration to others of your beliefs, ideas, likes, dislikes, feelings, thoughts, reactions—or any other statement that helps others know you better and understand how you are experiencing your life.

Some Examples of Declarative I-Messages:

“I believe the homework that your teacher’s given you is really important.”

“I think that we should have a military draft.”

“I feel discouraged about how much things cost these days.”

“I know you disagree strongly, yet I got real value from the first parent-faculty meeting, and I think we should give it a real chance.”

Preventive I-Messages Stop Trouble Before It Starts

Another important type of self-disclosure is one that lets your children and others know of some future need that you want to meet; it anticipates what you want to do or see happen. Such a message, because it clearly describes how you want events to turn out, greatly increases the chances that others will adjust their actions so as not to block what you need. Such a message may prevent a conflict. Such Preventive I-Messages are especially appropriate in the home. An example, familiar to every parent, is the announcement of the time dinner will be ready so that the children can finish what they’re doing and, ideally, help out in the kitchen!

Some examples of Preventive I-Messages:

“I need some uninterrupted time tonight so I can get the bills paid.”

“I’d like to hear of your weekend plans this evening so we can work out transportation ahead of time.”

“I’d love to come to dinner. Please remember, I don’t eat meat.”

"I’d like to set a limit on our holiday spending this year.”

Positive I-Messages Enhance and Strengthen Relationships

One of the most enriching forms of self-disclosure is the Positive I-Message. These are messages that exclusively describe parents’ positive feelings toward their children. Although kids do plenty of things that are a problem for parents, they also say and do many things that are a pleasure, often helping a parent in unexpected ways or displaying kindness, maturity, considerateness, or good humor just when it’s needed the most. When these behaviors occur, it is appropriate and important for parents to disclose any genuine positive feelings they have about them.

Unfortunately, many parents are only self-disclosing when they are upset with their child’s behavior. This is clearly appropriate self-disclosure, but the important point is that parents should disclose both their feelings of unacceptance and acceptance. Positive I-Messages that express appreciation, love, enjoyment, and affection toward children (spouse, friends, and others) can contribute greatly to warmer, closer, and more enjoyable relationships. Very young children, with their budding self-esteem and desire to be a “helper,” seem especially to thrive on Positive I-Messages.

Consider the value for you, your children, or others in the following examples of Positive I-Messages:

“I appreciate how quiet you were when I was paying the bills. I did it a lot faster, thanks to you!”

“I really like the story you wrote, James.”

"I was so proud when I heard you telling those kids you wouldn’t lie to cover them!”

“Honey, I really love you.”

It is important that Positive I-Message not be used to manipulate or “shape” a child’s behavior. Such ulterior motives invariably come through to the child and make your sincerity suspect. The Positive I-Message should be a “no-strings attached” expression of acceptance and acknowledgement.

Even though changing your child should not be the motive, parents who express a lot of positive feelings toward their children are often automatically rewarded with less unacceptable behavior, more trust, mutual respect and cooperation, more affection and caring. Like honesty, warmth and affection are highly contagious in families!