How to Get Your Kids to Do Their Chores

(...Without Nagging Them!)

Let us first remind ourselves of the old, straight-forward theory which tells us that generally, people don't like to be "told what to do". This absolutely includes kids. It's no wonder that kids need to constantly be reminded of what they were supposed to do - they don't want to be doing it in the first place! But with some guidance from the Gordon Model and bit of psychological insight, we think we can help.

In most households, here's how chores are usually delegated:

Mom: "I need you to wash the dishes, clean up your room, feed the dog and take him for a walk."
Child: "I don't feel like it."
Mom: "Do it!"
Child: "Fine."

There's one way to get a child to "agree" to do something! His willingness is lacking and his compliance is artificial. The mother will likely need to remind him: "You said you would do the chores I asked! Why aren't they done? Do them now - I won't ask you again." Adding a tinge of threat here might get your child to do what he's told (for the time being, at least*) but will likely entice him to resist even more. Not only are you telling him what to do without any reason or consideration of what he is needing to do, but your reminding/nagging him comes across as condescending; as if he isn't intelligent enough to remember. This holds true for nagging in all shapes and forms.

Now let's consider two important Gordon Model skills to help in this situation:

1. The Preventive I-Message: These types of I-Messages are useful in preventing problems from occurring in the first place. They give the listener (the child, in this case) important information that they will need to know for the future. For example, you are having guests over for dinner and you would like your child to have his toys picked up off the floor before a certain time of day. Remember that the I-Message must have all three parts to increase the probability that it will be effective. Using this example, here is an I-Message that could be used: "I need to have the toys off the floor by 5 pm when the neighbors will be arriving, so that I don't feel embarrassed about inviting guests into a messy home and don't have to take up extra time that I will need to finish preparing dinner."
2. Method III: The No-Lose Method to resolving conflicts is the perfect skill to use when it comes to chore-setting. Many things are in play here. First off, is the principle of participation, which says that a person is more motivated to carry out a decision that he has been a part of making, versus a decision that has been made on his behalf, without his consent. Secondly, Method III considers the needs of everyone involved. It could still, for example, allow the kids to watch their favorite show at the same time every night, while also lessening the burden of all the household duties on just Mom or Dad. Method III must be carried out in all six parts in order to be the most effective. More on Method III - including the numerous positive side effects - can be found in Chapter 11 of the P.E.T. book.

Parents must also remember that none of these are guaranteed quick-fixes for the conflicts in your family. But with time, practice, and a constant consideration for the needs of others, the benefits of using the Gordon Model skills are truly astonishing.

Try it for yourself and let us know how it worked for you. Feel free to always comment below or on our Facebook page.

* See Chapter 10 of the P.E.T. book to read the effects of parental power on Children

The Kind of Rules That Kids Will Stick To

One of the number one complaints we hear from parents is that their kids don't do as their told and that they disobey "the rules." On the other hand, when using P.E.T. methods to set rules parents find more often than not, that these same kids end up adhering to the rules that are set. But why is this so? What is the key difference in setting rules the "traditional" way versus setting rules the P.E.T. way?

Like most people, when children are ordered to do things without reason or having any say in the matter, you might have a pretty hard time getting them to follow through without feeling (at least) some resistance from them. Telling children to follow the rules "because I said so" or "because I know what's best for you" or even "because I am the grown-up" is a classic form of flexing your parental power in the relationship. And in all relationships with an imbalance of power, you will find that the subservient will grow increasingly resentful of the controller. Time after time, the use of power always ends up failing in the long run.

After all, it is an innate human characteristic to want to feel in control of our own lives and behavior.

With P.E.T., Dr. Gordon founded a new way of setting rules so that the needs of everyone are considered and at the same time, things get done. The six-step process of Method III allows all parties involved to come together to discuss the needs are of everyone and what needs to get done. The reason why Method III is so highly effective is that it utilizes the theory of the principle of participation.

The principle of participation states that an individual is much more motivated to carry out a decision when they have participated in the decision-making process.

Makes sense, huh? We thought so too.

Try it at home and let us know how it works! For more detailed information on what the six steps of Method III are, check out our article here: Get What You Need Every Time.

How to Conduct a Family Rule-Setting Meeting

Objective: To arrive at a mutually acceptable rule or decision on an important family issue or situation.

Set the Stage

_________________________________________________

1. Agree on a time when everyone who will be directly affected by the rule or decision can be present. (Involve only those affected).
2. At the appointed time, sit in a circle (around a table) so that all can see each other. Have the "Family Rule-Setting Guide" or paper and pen available.
3. Start by making sure that everyone understands the objective of this meeting. A parent might start off with something like: "I've called this meeting so that all of us will have a chance to decide on some rules we need about ________________ so that everyone has the best chance of feeling comfortable and happy with the arrangement. I want for all of us to work on ________________ together so we're all satisfied with the solution (or decision)."
4. Make sure that all members understand Method III:

• Parent will not use power on kids.
• Parent will not let kids use power on parent.
• Everyone must be satisfied with the solution.
• This is not a subtle way to get kids to agree to the parent's rules.

Tasks of the Group

__________________________________________________

1. State the family situation/s you want to deal with or build an agenda for the meeting,i.e., what situation/s needing rules or decisions will be discussed in which everyone contributes their needs regarding family issues or situations.
2. Next, post or mention the six steps of the problem-solving process.

a. Define the problem by developing needs, facts and feelings surrounding the item.

b. Brainstorm as many ideas about it as possible without evaluating them; have a family member simply record them.

c. Then, evaluate and test the proposed ideas or solutions for reality, appropriateness, acceptability, etc.

d. Decide which ideas or solutions are to be adopted.

e. Record the decision in term of WHO does WHAT by WHEN.

f. Later, check to see if rule or solution worked. (This usually happens automatically. Reconvene the group if it turns out the rule does not meet the members' needs well enough (bad rule, not bad people).

Parent's Role

____________________________________________________

1. Sees that tasks are accomplished, problems solved.
2. Uses Active Listening to handle inevitable feelings that will arise as well as to clarify the meaning of other member's inputs when necessary.
3. Uses I-Messages to express his/her own needs and feelings. Avoids You-Messages and Roadblocks.
4. Leads the group through the Six Steps of Problem-Solving.
5. Keeps the group on track by handling free associations or new problems by noting "That's another issue," and if applicable, adding it to the agenda for later consideration.
6. Avoids voting; facilitates consensus by use of communication and problem-solving skills. When it seems consensus has been reached, tests for it by stating the apparently favored decision and asking "Any objections?"
7. Is active, "hangs in there" for his/her own needs, respects other family members' needs, remains sensitive (Active Listens) to resistance and possible hidden resistance.*

*Excerpt from Dr. Thomas Gordon's F.E.T. Adult Resource Book

Have You Checked the Results?

Step 6: CHECKING THE RESULTS

There are Six Steps of the "No-Lose Method". After going through the first five steps, Step 6: Checking The Results is important to make certain everyone's needs have been met and the solutions from Method III conflict resolution turns out to be the best.

It's not always the case that all solutions from Method III conflict resolution turn out that way. Sometimes you or the other will discover weaknesses in the solution that will require modification or rejection for a better solution.

It is important to seek out the other's feelings about the solutions as well as to keep in touch with your feelings about the conflict resolution results.

Both of you should have an understanding that decisions are always open for mutually acceptable revisions.

Sometimes those new to Method III will discover that they have overcommitted themselves--in their enthusiasm they agreed to do too much or the impossible. Be sure to keep the door open for revision if this happens.

Remember:

Your best tools for effective No-Lose Conflict Resolution will always be:

• Active Listening
• Clear and Honest Sending of Your Needs with Non-Blameful I-Messages
• Trust and Respect for the Needs of the Other
• Openness to Changing Facts and Feelings
• An Unwillingness to Let Method III Fail
• Entering Method III Without Fixed Solutions
• Refusal to Revert to Method I or II*

*Excerpt from Dr. Thomas Gordon's F.E.T. Adult Resource Book

Want To Learn More About GTI and PET?

Who is GTI and what does GTI offer?

Gordon Training International was established in 1962 by Dr. Thomas Gordon. We are a human relations training organization and we offer workshops, trainer certification and books - all based on the Gordon Model. We are now in 48 countries. To contact us, please email us at info@gordontraining.com.

Who is Dr. Thomas Gordon?

He was the founder of Gordon Training International and the author of the following books:

Parent Effectiveness Training

P.E.T. in Action

Leader Effectiveness Training

Teacher Effectiveness Training

Sales Effectiveness Training

Teaching Children Self-Discipline (renamed,"Discipline That Works")

You can learn more about him on this site by clicking here:http://www.gordontraining.com/drthomasgordon.html

To order any of these books, please visit our secure on-line store:http://www.gordontraining.com/store.html

What is the Gordon Model?

The Gordon Model consists of using all the following skills in conjunction with each other -- Active Listening, I-Messages, The Communication Roadblocks, Shifting Gears, and Method III Conflict Resolution. It was devised by Dr. Thomas Gordon in 1962. We teach this model, using The Behavior Window as a guide to use what skill at what time, in all of our workshops.

How do I buy books by Dr. Gordon?

You can purchase books written by Dr. Thomas Gordon (Founder of Gordon Training International, author of P.E.T., L.E.T., T.E.T., etc.) You can also purchase books by Linda Adams (President of Gordon Training International, author of Be Your Best and Effectiveness Training for Women) through our online store oramazon.com. Have an iPod or MP3 player? Audio versions of the L.E.T. and P.E.T. books are available on iTunes and audible.com.

Do you have a general workshop on the Gordon Model?

Absolutely! Linda Adams, President and CEO of Gordon Training International, developed "Be Your Best", a personal development program, which teaches you how to become more effective and take responsibility in both your personal and professional lives. In addition to the communication skills and conflict resolution methods taught, this course offers training in assertive skills, how to handle anxiety, and how to set goals for becoming more fulfilled. To find a Be Your Best Workshop near you, please email us at info@gordontraining.com.

Parent Effectiveness Training (P.E.T.)

Where can I find a P.E.T. Workshop?

We train and certify independent P.E.T. Instructors who set their own scheduling, pricing and location. You can find a current P.E.T. Workshop Calendar by clicking here or by emailing us atfamily@gordontraining.com.

What will I learn in P.E.T.?

The P.E.T. workshop consists of brief lectures, demonstrations, workbook exercises, role-playing, some homework and small group discussion. You will learn the following skills based on the Gordon Model, taught by a certified P.E.T. Instructor:

- How to talk to your children so that they will listen to you.
- How to listen to your children so they feel genuinely understood.
- How to resolve conflicts and problems in your family so that no one loses and problems stay solved.
- A method for troubleshooting family problems and knowing which skills to use to solve them.

How can I become a P.E.T. Instructor?

It's easy as 1, 2, 3!

Step 1 - You can complete a P.E.T. Workshop, read the P.E.T. book or complete self-study pre-work. Contact us for more information: 800.628.1197 or email us atfamily@gordontraining.com.

Step 2 - Successfully complete the instructor training process.Click here for more information on how you can become certified to teach P.E.T!

Step 3 - Teach a P.E.T. Workshop; submit the participant evaluations to Gordon Training for review for final approval and instructor certification.

Ready to get started? Great! Please e-mail us for more information on how to enroll and to receive an application:family@gordontraining.com

What Happens When Method III Doesn't Work?

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN METHOD III DOESN'T WORK

Your success with Method III will increase with time as you become more and more skillful with the process and your Active Listening, I-Messages and Gear Shifting skills become more natural. As your children and family member's level of trust and comfort with Method III grows, your success rate also increases.

When Method III does not "work", it is usually related to one of these factors:

• The skill, experience and comfort level of the parent is lacking.

WHAT TO DO - continue to develop your skills; use Method III in No Problem Area decision making, e.g. planning for a fun family weekend and use it first on small problems before taking on big ones

• You consciously or unconsciously revert back to Method I or II due to stress, pressures or not having your PET skills integrated as your natural communication process.

WHAT TO DO - Active Listen to their feelings, send an I-Message about why you did what you did and reaffirm your commitment to the relationship; return to

• The child or other person did not buy into the process and resists trying it.

WHAT TO DO - go back and Set the Stage before beginning Step I

• There are clear limits of time and/or resources or the chance for physical harm is imminent.

WHAT TO DO - explain the situation, e.g. must leave now because there are only 30 minutes before your flight leaves, etc. take action but make the commitment to use the process when time or resources are more plentiful.

• The child or other person is not ready because they are "flooded" by built up mistrust, anger, resentment or other strong feelings.

WHAT TO DO - before you try Method III, invest time in Active Listening to the child and in sending I-Messages to improve the relationship.

• No acceptable solution is found because of one of these reasons.

WHAT TO DO - choose between Fight, Flight or Submit but be aware of the risks of using one of these strategies and continue to use your skills to reinvest in the relationship.*

*Excerpt from Dr. Thomas Gordon's P.E.T. Participant Workbook

Winning vs Losing

Winning vs Losing

How we solve conflicts and problems is not a reflection on our being "good" or "bad" parents. Our approach comes from what we have learned from interactions with our own parents, teachers, friends, bosses, coworkers and others in our work and life. We are doing our best with the tools we have been given. For many parents, there is a fear of losing control and becoming victims of their children's demands. For other parents, it is a fear of becoming too dictatorial and controlling. both fears come from the win-lose way of thinking that is ingrained in today's world, work and life.

As a result of this thinking, the two most common ways to solve problems are Parent Wins and Child Loses - Method I in P.E.T. language, and Parent Loses and Child Wins - Method II. P.E.T. offers an alternative to these win-lose methods. The core idea in P.E.T. is: Parents have the right to get their needs met and, equally, so do children. Both must win; neither must lose. And the way to insure that this happens is deceptively simple and straight forward: Parent and child must commit themselves to search together until a solution is found that will meet their equally important needs, resolve the conflict, and preserve the relationship.

Learning to resolve conflicts effectively, in ways that enhance the parent-child relationship, can actually transform most conflict into positive events in a family--an opportunity for parents and children to learn about each other and the process of solving problems effectively.*

*Excerpt from Dr. Thomas Gordon's P.E.T. Participant Workbook

Method III Develops Children's Thinking Skills

Method III encourages--actually requires--children to think. The parent is signaling the child: "We have a conflict, let's put our heads together and think--let's figure out a good solution." Method III is an intellectual exercise in reasoning for both parent and child. It is almost like a challenging puzzle and requires the same kind of "thinking through" or "figuring out." I would not be surprised if future research demonstrates that children in homes using Method III develop mental capacities superior to children in homes using Method I or Method II.*

*Excerpt from Dr. Thomas Gordon's P.E.T. Book

Method III (Democratic): Nobody Loses, Both Win

Remember this part of the Credo:

At those times when one of us cannot change to meet the other's needs, let us acknowledge that we have a conflict and commit ourselves to resolve each such conflict without either of us resorting to the use of power to win at the expense of the other's losing. I respect your needs, but I also must respect my own. So let us always strive to search for a solution that will be acceptable to both of us. Your needs will be met, and so will mine--neither will lose, both will win.

The Gordon Model teaches a non-power alternative to the two win-lose methods. It's called Method III--a method in which each conflict is seen as a problem to be solved. The people who have a conflict with each other--parent and child, spouses, coworkers--talk together in search of a solution that is acceptable to both so that no one loses; both win.*

*Excerpt from Dr. Thomas Gordon's F.E.T. Adult Resource book

Do I Keep Active Listening?

Beyond Active Listening to Method III

When the messages are not clear, as in the case of prolonged anger or silence, a lot of Active Listening is necessary. Sometimes even vigorous Active Listening isn't enough and the parent needs to introduce Method III and offer to guide the children through it. A good deal of confronting may be necessary to resist the children's tendency to either give up (Method II) or solve the problem with a solution imposed by the "rescuing" parent.

Children sometimes arrive at satisfactory solutions without anyone's help, but more often than not this does not happen because the real issues are not uncovered. The antagonists rarely listen to and understand each other (even though a lot of words get exchanged).

There is no process for the defusing of strong feelings, and problem-solving doesn't get organized and underway. Parents who facilitate their children to solve their own problems realize a triple benefit: resolution of the immediate problem between the children, more effective problem-solving skills in the future, and mutual respect within all family relationships.*

*Excerpt from Dr. Thomas Gordon's P.E.T. Participant Workbook

Do You Compromise?

A Special Note About Compromise

Many parents, who are uncomfortable with the results of either Method I or Method II, turn to an additional option, compromise. While neither parent nor child loses, they don't really win either - both try to win as much as possible and lose as little as possible. This approach is often confused with the P.E.T. alternative, "No Lose Problem Solving - Method III".

In a compromise, both parent and child can feel dissatisfied and the solution may become a wall between the two. A compromise solution is actually made up of trade offs and promises (individual parent and child solutions) and each watches very carefully to be sure that the other does not disregard her pieces of this solution. Usually it involves "buying and selling" solutions and needs are often not even identified. Win-lose concerns and feelings often remain.

In Method III, the first big difference is attitude - there is a genuine desire for a win-win solution which both will be happy with. The second important difference is that needs come before solutions. The needs of both the parent and the child are identified and clarified before solutions are even considered.

Method III means negotiating until a solution meets the parent's needs as well as the child's.*

*Excerpt from Dr. Thomas Gordon's Parent Effectiveness Training, P.E.T. Participant Workbook

Can I Use Method III With Young Children?

A really good friend of mine that I've known since elementary school recently had a baby! :) So, I thought I would write a blog for everyone that has young children.

METHOD III PROBLEM-SOLVING WITH YOUNG CHILDREN

Many parents express doubts about using Method III with very young children. In fact, is is possible to apply the principals at a very early age by focusing on the non-verbal clues and cues your baby or child sends you. All behaviors are purposeful. Crying can be a communication about hunger, being cold, fear or an indication of another unmet need. When we relax, give up our preconceived ideas and listen to non-verbal as well as verbal clues from our infants and young children, we can find simple, creative solutions. Problems that could easily end up with parents using power are resolved in a true win-win fashion.

Case 1: with a 9 month old baby

Nine-month-old Erika got sick and resisted all attempts to give her medicine. Without it, her fever was increasing. Verbal encouragement did not work. Holding her firmly and putting small does into her mouth did not work either; she skillfully spit it out. Her increasingly desperate parents stopped and thought about their P.E.T. learning that behaviors are non-verbal messages about unmet needs. Her squirming behavior supported what they knew almost from birth - she did not like to be crowded or forced. The underlying message of her repeated reaching for the medicine spoon said, "I want some control." Tuning in to this they found a solution. Put part of the medicine in the spoon, let her hold it it with their help and aim it into her mouth. She made face but swallowed the three smaller doses. Even a nine-month-old can communicate her needs and show us a solution.

Case 2: with a 4-year old child

A four-year old girl put up a struggle each night at bedtime. Mom wanted some quiet time and was too tired to be patient by 10 p.m. The child explained she couldn't go to sleep right away and felt lonesome. It was mutually (and joyfully) agreed that the child would get tucked into bed, but could watch a DVD. Mom agreed to turn it off if the child fell asleep.

Case 3: with children ages 4, 6, and 8

Rhonda, age 8; Kim, age 6; and Danny, age 4, were confronted by their parents' irritation over their messy rooms. Rhonda and Kim complained that while they were at school, Danny came into their rooms and made a mess. Danny said he liked the girls' room because it has bunk beds. Mom and Dad listened to Danny say he really wanted a bunk bed. This wasn't feasible to Mom and Dad because the room was small and their baby brother, who shared the room, wasn't old enough to leave his crib. The family also couldn't afford it no. Many suggestions were made by all five people on how to construct a substitute bunk bed. Finally, Danny decided that he would be happy if his parents put a sleeping bag under the baby's crib and let him sleep there. He slept in the bag for three nights, and crawled into bed by himself on the fourth night. After that he slept in the bed, but left the bag under the crib to show his friends that Danny had two beds. After this, Danny tried hard to stay out of the girls' room.

Case 4: with a 2-year old child

A two-year boy wanted to stop and look into the display window of each store he and his mother passed. His mother was in a hurry to get to a store before it closed. She said, "You want to look in the windows, but if we do I will be late to the store. If we hurry now, I will let you look in the windows on our walk back to the car." Child agreed.

Case 5: with an 8-month old baby

An infant would spit out pureed vegetables every time they were offered. Her father, knowing she loved fruit, especially applesauce, decided to put a tiny big of vegetable on each spoonful of applesauce. The child did not reject it. Her father kept increasing the amount over a period of days until the child could eat vegetables without any applesauce.*

*Excerpt from Dr. Thomas Gordon's P.E.T. Participant Workbook

What is the Connection with Maslow and P.E.T.?

Maslow and P.E.T. Theory and Skills

Maslow selected a relatively small study group, because his intention was to get others thinking about what he initiated regarding human needs. His study included both well-known people such as Abraham Lincoln, Albert Einstein, Eleanor Roosevelt, Albert Schweitzer, Jane Adams, Alduous Huxley, etc. as well as twelve other unidentified individuals. His material provides a good definition of the word "need" that is critical for understanding and executing Step I - Define Needs in the Method III process.

In addition to the traits mentioned in the Maslow information in section 7 of this Session he also included such qualities as: an acceptance of self and others, resistance to social pressures and a view of life's difficulties as problems requiring solutions instead of person trials. He noted that the people he identified enjoyed solitude, autonomy and relationships with a few close friends and family members and that a number of them also suffered from imperfections such as anxiety, guilt, and absentmindedness.

The connection of Maslow to the P.E.T. philosophy and skills:

Many, but by no means all, people in the U.S. have a good portion of their Level I and Level II needs met; however, growing concerns about terrorism, natural disasters and teen violence have a significant impact on how many people's feel about their Level II, security needs. Many suburban parents and teens who previously paid minimal attention to security concerns now experience fears about high school shootings, bomb threats and an overall rise in violence.

P.E.T. groups vary according to the background and circumstances of the participants. Young, single, unemployed mothers living in an unsafe urban neighborhood, will most likely be struggling to meet Level I and II needs while suburban parents in high income jobs will have most of those needs met and will be primarily focused on Levels III and IV.

In a number of other countries, large segments of the population struggle daily to meet even their basic Level I needs.

Why Is Method II Ineffective?

Why Method II Is Ineffective

What does it do to children to grow up in a home where they usually win and their parents lose? What are the effects on children of their generally getting their way? Obviously these children will be different from those in homes where Method I is the principal method of conflict resolution. Children who are allowed to get their way will not be as rebellious, hostile, dependent, aggressive, submissive, conforming, withdrawing, and so on. They have not had to develop ways to cope with parental power. Method II encourages the child to use his power over his parents to win at their expense.

These children learn how to throw temper tantrums to control the parent; how to make the parent feel guilty; how to say nasty, deprecating things of their parents. Such children are often wild, uncontrolled, unmanageable, impulsive. They have learned that their needs are more important than anyone else's. They, too, often lack inner controls on their behavior and become very self-centered, selfish, demanding.

These children often do not respect other people's property or feelings. Life to them is get, get, get--take, take,take. "I" comes first. Such children are seldom cooperative or helpful around the house.

These children often have serious difficulties in their peer relationships. Other children dislike "spoiled kids"--they find them unpleasant to be around. Children from homes where Method II predominates are so accustomed to getting their way with their parents that they want to get their way with other children, too.

These children also frequently have difficulty adjusting to school, an institution whose philosophy is predominantly Method I. Children accustomed to Method II are in for a rude shock when they enter the world of school and discover that most teachers and principals are trained to resolve conflicts by Method I, backed up with authority and power.

Probably the most serious effect of Method II is that children often develop deep feelings of insecurity about their parents' love. It is easy to understand this reaction when one considers how difficult it is for parents to feel loving and accepting toward a child who usually wins at the expense of the parent. In Method I homes resentment radiates from child to parent; in Method II homes from parent to child. The child of Method II senses that his parents are frequently resentful, irritated, and angry at him. When he later gets similar messages from his peers and probably other adults, it is no wonder he begins to feel unloved--because, of course, so often he is unloved by others.

While some studies have shown that children from Method II homes are likely to be more creative than children from Method I homes, parents pay a dear price for having creative children; they frequently cannot stand them.

Parents suffer greatly in the Method II home. These are the homes in which I have frequently heard parents say:

"He gets his own way most of the time, and you just can't control him."

"I'll be glad when the children are all in school so I can have some peace."

"Parenthood is such a burden--I spend all my time doing things for them."

"I must say, sometimes I just can't stand them--I just have to get away."

"They seldom seem to realize that I've got a life, too."

"Sometimes--and I feel guilty saying this-I wish I could ship them off to someone else."

"I'm so ashamed to take them anywhere or even have friends come to our home and see those children."

Parenthood for Method II parents is seldom a joy--how unfortunate and sad it is to raise children you cannot love, or hate to associate with.*

*Excerpt from Dr. Thomas Gordon's P.E.T. book

Can Molly, at 4 1/2 Year's Old, Use Method III?

THE CASE OF MOLLY AND JAY

MOM

DAD

MOLLY AGE 4 1/2

JAY AGE 3 1/2

This session was transcribed word-for-word from a recording of the conversation. Both parents were new to Method III.

The Problem:

Jay wakes up very early in the morning, any time from 5:30 a.m. on. Lately, he has been waking his older sister so that she will play with him until Mother and Dad get up (6:30 a.m.) to make breakfast. Molly gets up to go to the bathroom when Jay gets up, but then she likes to go back to bed and catch some more sleep.

****

Dad: Molly, you have a problem. Would you like to tell us what your problem is?

Molly: Do you know why? I don't want Jay to wake me up. Every time I get up in the morning to go potty, Jay says, "Do you want to play in the kitchen with me?" and I say, "No", and he says that again and comes into my room and then he wakes me up and tells me to get up again and then I get up and then I go back to bed.

Dad: You don't want Jay to wake you up early in the morning. You like to stay in bed.

Molly: Yes.

Mom: And, Jay, you like to have somebody to play with. Is that right?

Jay: (Shakes his head in agreement.)

Dad: Well, Jay, how do you think we can solve this problem?

Jay: I don't know.

Molly: I know how. Well, in-the morning, Jay could play in the kitchen by himself and get out a whole bunch of toys, and when you get up, he could pick the toys up.

Mom: You think Jay could play in the kitchen and get out all the toys he wants, but he'd have to put them away.

Molly: Yes.

Mom: How do you feel about that, Jay? And then you could go back to your room and play by yourself until Molly wakes up?

Jay: Okay, okay.

Jay: No, I don't care for that.

Mom: You don't care for that.

Jay: No.

Molly: Well, he could take two toys out, and then when he's through with them he could put them back, or Jay could put one back and I could put the other one back.

Mom: I see. Well, Jay, how about when you get up, you could come into Mommy and Daddy's room and one of us could get you your cereal.

Jay: Okay.

Mom: Do you think you'd really like that? But, then, you couldn't wake up Molly.

Jay: Uh-huh, I won't do that.

Dad: How does this sound to you, Molly?

Molly: Oh, well, that's a good reason, because if he goes back to his room after he eats his cereal, maybe that will work out fine.

Dad: Jay, you think if you get your cereal in the morning, you can play by yourself?

Mom: Is that right, Jay?

Jay: Yeah.

Mom: And if this doesn't work out, we'll just have to talk about it some more, if it doesn't work out, we'll just have to talk about it some more, if it doesn't work out the way we've decided...*

*Excerpt from Dr. Thomas Gordon's P.E.T. Participant Workbook

Can One Parent Use Method III and the Other Not?

One Parent Using Method III, the Other Not

We are often asked in P.E.T. whether it is possible for one parent to resolve conflicts by the no-lose Method III approach while the other does not. The question comes up because not all parents take the course with their spouses even though we strongly urge that when there are two parents both participate.

In some cases where only one parent is committed to change to the no-lose method, perhaps a mother, she simply starts resolving all her conflicts with the kids by using the no-lose method and the father continues using Method I in his conflicts. This may not cause too many problems, except that the children, fully aware of the difference, often complain to the father that they no longer like his approach and wish he would solve problems the way their mother does. Some fathers respond to these complaints by enrolling in a subsequent P.E.T. class. Typical of such fathers is the one who showed up at the first session of a P.E.T. class and admitted:

"I'm here tonight in self-defense, I guess, because I began to see what good results my wife was getting with her new methods. Her relationship with the kids has improved and mine has not. They talk to her but they wont talk to me."

Another father, at the first session of the class in which he enrolled after his wife had been in a previous class, made this comment:

"I want to tell you women who are taking this course without your husbands what you might expect from him. As you start using the new methods of listening and confronting and problem-solving with the children, he is going to feel hurt, left out. He will feel his role as a father is being taken away from him. You will be getting results, but he can't. I lashed out at my wife and said, 'What do you expect of me--I'm not taking the damn course.' Do you understand why I say now that I can't afford not to take the course?"

Some fathers who do not learn the new skills and remain content with their Method I approach are often given a bad time by their wives. One wife told us that she began to build up resentments and ended up being quite hostile toward her husband because she could not stand watching him resolve conflicts with power. "I see now just how much harm to the children Method I produces, and I just cannot sit by and watch him hurt the kids this way," she told the class. Another said, "I can see he is ruining his relationship with the kids and that makes me feel disappointed and sad. They need their relationship with him, but it is going down the drain rapidly."

Some mothers enlist the help of class members in P.E.T. to generate the courage to confront their husbands openly and honestly. I recall one young mother who in class was helped to see how much she herself actually feared her husband and therefore had avoided confronting him with her feelings about using Method I. Somehow, by discussing this in P.E.T., she gained enough courage to go home and tell him the feelings and had identified in class:

"I love my kids too much to stand by and see them hurt by you I know what I have learned in P.E.T. is better for the kids and I want you to learn these methods, too. I've always been afraid of you and I can see you're doing the same to the kids."

The effects of her confrontation astonished this mother. For the first time in their relationship, he heard her out. He told her he hadn't realized how much he had dominated both her and the children, and subsequently agreed to enroll in the next P.E.T. class in their community.

It does not always work out as favorably as in this family, when one parent continues to use Method I. I am certain that in some families this problem never does get resolved. While we seldom hear about it, it is likely that some husbands and wives never do come together in their methods of resolving conflicts, or in some cases a parent who has been trained in P.E.T. methods may even return to her old ways under pressure of a spouse who refuses to give up using power to resolve conflicts.*

*Excerpt from Dr. Thomas Gordon's P.E.T. book

"Can We Use All Three Methods?"

We occasionally encounter a parent who accepts the validity and believes in the effectiveness of the no-lose approach, yet is not willing to give up the two win-lose approaches.

"Won't a good parent use a judicious mixture of all three methods, depending on the nature of the problem? asked a father in one of my classes.

While understandable in view of some parents' fear of giving up all of their power over their children, this point of view is not tenable. As it is not possible "to be a little bit pregnant," it is not possible to be a little bit democratic in parent-child conflicts. In the first place, most parents who want to use a combination of all three methods really mean that they want to reserve the right to use Method I for the truly critical conflicts. Translated into simple language their attitude is: "On matters that are not too important to the children I will let them have a voice in the decision, but I will reserve the right to decide my way on issues that are very critical."

Our experiences seeing parents try this mixed approach is that it simply does not work. Children, once given a taste of how good it feels to resolve conflicts without losing, resent it when parents reverts back to Method I. Or they may lose all interest in entering into Method III on unimportant problems because they feel so resentful of losing on the more important problems.

A further outcome of the "judicious mixture" approach is that kids acquire a distrust of their parent when Method III is tried, because they have learned that when the chips are down and the parents has strong feeling on a problem he will end up winning anyway. So, why should they enter into problem-solving? Anytime it gets to be a real conflict, they know Dad is going to use his power to win anyway.

Some parents muddle through by occasionally using Method I for problems where the kids do not have strong feelings--the less critical problems--but Method III should always be used when a conflict is critical, involving strong feelings and convictions on the parent of the kids. Perhaps it is a principle in all human relationships that when one doesn't care much about the outcome of a conflict, one may be wiling to give in to another's power; but when one has a real stake in the outcome one wants to make sure to have a voice in the decision-making.

*Excerpt from Dr. Gordon's P.E.T. book

Family Connection: Uncovering Hidden Needs

In everyday life, if you interact with other humans, you are well aware that conflicts arise. The reason we find ourselves in conflict is typically due to one or more of our needs not being met.

Over the last couple of months, the Family Connection has discussed  the problems that power, permissiveness, and compromise create in our relationships. We have seen that all three of these approaches to resolving conflict can cause hurt feelings, anger, resentment, mistrust, sadness, and frustration. 

We also closely examined Dr. Gordon’s No-Lose Conflict Resolution, Method III, the problem-solving alternative to Method I (Authoritarian), Method II (Permissive) and Compromise. Instead of creating feelings of resentment, frustration, anger, or sadness, Method III creates a safe environment in which all parties involved in a conflict work together to meet everyone’s needs, in turn, resolving the conflict.

Recall the six steps of Method III:

1. Define Needs

2. Brainstorm Solutions

3. Evaluate Solutions

4. Choose Solution

5. Implement Solution

6. Check Results

Most of the time, Method I, Method II and Compromise begin immediately with the parent and child (or other) trying to impose, sell or trade solutions. Step 1—Defining Needs—sets Method III apart from Method I, Method II and Compromise. 

While Defining Needs is an essential ingredient of Method III, it is also the most difficult of the Six Steps. Identifying real needs is often challenging.

Frequently, we unconsciously offer our preconceived solutions that will meet our need rather than expressing the need itself.

If the underlying needs of the parent and of the child are not clearly understood and expressed, all subsequent steps of Method III will be misdirected and the conflict will not be resolved.

Separating needs from solutions can be very difficult. Even when people use the word “need,” what they are saying is often a solution. Also, keep an eye out for “wants,” as most “wants” are solutions.

For example, your child might say: “I need my own room.”  This is actually a solution, not a need. What will having his/her own room do for the child? It would provide privacy or a feeling of having his/her own space or quiet, etc. These are the needs; a room of his/her own is a solution.

Active Listening is an essential skill to use when determining what is a need vs. what is a solution. From the example given above, if your child says “I need my own room,” a little bit of Active Listening can go a long way towards uncovering what his/her real needs are. Maybe you can say, “You would really like your own space--can you say more about that?” and in turn your child reveals that s/he feels like it’s noisy all the time and s/he can’t concentrate. You have now defined your child's need for more quiet, and you can both start on Step 2 and brainstorm for possible solutions to help meet his/her need for quiet time. 

Your child (or other) may not know right away why s/he feels s/he needs his own room (this of course applies to any solution that is being presented as a need). While Active Listening is the major skill to use in separating needs from solutions, the question, "What will that do for me? (or you?)" can also be an extremely helpful one. For example, if you say “I need a new car,” is that a need or a solution? Ask the question, “What will that do for me?” Possible answers might be: 

• “I’ll get to work safely.” 

• “I’ll feel good about my image/myself.”

• “I’ll save money since my old car uses a lot of gas and requires lots of repairs.” 

These answers are the needs; a new car is the solution.

When you use this clarifying question, “What will that do for you?” avoid overdoing it or using a probing or pushy tone of voice. This question is intended as a gentle way of helping others to find the need behind a solution. Active Listening is still the skill of choice when it is difficult to identify a child’s/other’s needs.

When you express your own needs use I-Language. In essence, this means you need to Active Listen to yourself first to be sure you have identified your need and not just your solution. Asking yourself the same clarifying question, “What will that do for me?” can also be helpful.

The key to clearly understanding needs is:

For a parent - expressing needs in congruent I-Messages. This involves the parent in Active Listening to herself/himself to understand what is really wanted or needed as opposed to the question of how to get it—then expressing these needs in I-Messages. 

For a child- the parent needs to Active Listen to the child, especially if the child’s messages seem unclear or coded (masking some deeper need). 

Active Listening will aid the child to express her/his needs in I-Messages as well.

For more information on defining needs, see the P.E.T. Blog’s post “Defining Needs with Maslow’s Hierarchy.”

Setting the Stage: The Important Step to Take Before Method III

Before beginning Method III for the first time it is essential that you lay the ground work with your child or other person. In P.E.T. this is called "Setting the Stage" and it is something you need to do before starting with Step 1.

Just because you want to use a win-win way to solve problems, don't expect the other person to immediately be enthusiastic about trying something new. If your child, partner or other person is used to Method I or Method II as the way you solve problems together, he or she may be very suspicious when you try to introduce Method III. To her it may seem hard to believe and it may take time and energy to help her accept and embrace Method III.

"Setting the Stage" provides a way for you to introduce both the idea and steps of Method III while dealing with any feelings of mistrust or uncertainty on the part of the child/other. It's important that you not use Method I (power) to get them to agree to try Method III.

Once you have used Method III with your child/other and she is familiar with it and has trust that her needs will get met (you will both be winners), then "Setting the Stage" goes very quickly. The process becomes much less formal and usually involves only having to identify there is a problem and agreeing on a time to address it using Method III.

SETTING THE STAGE:

• Choose best possible time/situation.
• Tell child you would like to talk with him/her about a problem.
• Convince child you both need to be happy with the results.
• Explain Method III.
• Agree to use Method III and schedule a time to begin.

Choose the best possible time/situation.

The very first time you introduce the idea of using Method III to your child or family, do it when there is no conflict and you are both in the No Problem Area. Talk about how and why you would like to solve problems differently in the future.

For best reception and acceptance of Method III, try it first on a "No Problem Area" decision such as what to do during the next family vacation or choose a very small problem which is free of strong feelings and past history.

Tell the child/other you would like to talk with him or her about a problem.

When you do finally introduce an actual problem, indicate that you would like to work it out differently than you have in the past. Let him know you want to work together to solve it and that his thoughts, feelings and needs are important to you.

Convince the child/other you both need to be happy with the results.

This is a place for Gear Shifting. "Convince" doesn't mean you try to talk him into it, in fact it means you will probably need to do a lot of Active listening.

Begin with an I-Message about why you want to solve this problem in a different way and then be ready to Gear Shift and use Active Listening to deal with any suspicion, resistance or confusion on the part of your child or other. 

Once you have Active Listened, use another I-Message to restate your genuine desire to work the problem out in a win-win way so you end up agreeing on a solution that you both are happy with.

Explain Method III.

Don't expect your child or the other person to automatically understand what you mean by Method III Problem Solving. Because of their life experiences, the words "Problem Solving" means Method I, II or Compromise to them. You will need to explain exactly what the Six Steps are and how they work.

Start by briefly reviewing the ways of solving problems they are most familiar with, Method I, and Method II (win-lose).

Example - you might explain this to your child by telling her: "One way for us to solve a problem is for me to tell you what to do - and you have to do it. You'll end up unhappy and feeling like the loser. Another way is for you to decide to do whatever you want - and I end up feeling like the loser."

"Our relationship is important to me. I want you and me to feel good about how we solve our problems together."

"I'd like to do things differently. There is a better way to work things out so there are no losers and everyone wins."

Be ready at any point to Active Listen to more suspicion or confusion.

When your child/other is ready to hear it, explain what each of the Six Steps are. Use language and examples that fit the age of your child.

Agree to use Method III and schedule a time to begin.

Once your child or other understands how Method III works, and she is willing to try it, agree on when you will begin Step 1. You may decide to start immediately or at a later time.

Note that how precisely you follow the process of "setting the Stage" and how much detail you present will depend on the age of the child and on the relationship.

Please leave any comments or questions you have!

Get What You Need Every Time: Method III

Last month, the Family Connection explored how compromise can be detrimental to a relationship rather than healthy. Compromising involves people in a conflict trying to keep as much of their own solution as possible, and lose as little as possible. In the end, someone’s needs are what actually end up being compromised, and this usually results in feelings of anger, resentment, sadness, etc. 

Method III is a different way of resolving conflict that fosters healthy, close relationships. Instead of putting ourselves through the frustration of not having our needs met through compromise, or feeling like we have to battle our loved ones in a "my needs vs. your needs" battle, we can clearly state our needs and then discuss and reach a solution that meets everyone's needs. In other words, we really can make sure everyone gets what they need all of the time. 

Next time you have a conflict, instead of giving in to the other person and sacrificing your needs for theirs (Method II), implementing your own solutions and putting your needs ahead of theirs (Method I), or going through the frustration of a compromise, try these six simple steps of Method III instead:

1. Define everyone’s needs

2. Brainstorm solutions

3. Evaluate the solutions

4. Decide on final solutions

5. Implement solutions

6. Evaluate solutions

Let’s take a look at how this would work using one of last month’s examples. 

"I don't want to eat my broccoli; it makes me gag!"

"You need your vegetables. Now just take 5 bites!"

Before you launch into Method III, make sure you set a time that everyone involved in the conflict can sit down and go through all six steps. Depending on the conflict and who is involved, Method III could take 5 minutes, or it could take 30. Make sure you leave adequate time open, and that it is a good time for everyone! 

Method III is about getting your needs met, not getting your solution “met” as it were. It can be a challenge separating solutions from needs. For example, when a child says "I need my own room," they have presented a solution for his/her underlying needs. What s/he actually might need may be more privacy or more space—and that need is something both parties involved can determine together with Active Listening. 

Defining needs (Step 1) is the most critical of the six steps, since steps 2-6 are all about finding solutions for the needs defined in the first step. The next Family Connection will discuss Step 1 and separating needs from solutions in more detail.

Both of these things--making sure you choose a good time, and begin Method III without predetermined solutions--are part of what P.E.T. calls “Setting the Stage.” For more information on “Setting the Stage,” check out the P.E.T. blog! 

Step 1: Define Everyone’s Needs

 Parent: So you really hate that broccoli, don’t you?

 Child:   Yeah. It really grosses me out! I gag! I can’t eat it.

 Parent: Ok, so you need to stay away from broccoli.

 Child:   Yeah!

 Parent: Well, I need to make sure you’re getting all of your veggies. 

Remember, this is a simple example; often times, there are several needs. Write everyone’s needs down if you like!

Step 2: Brainstorm Solutions

Next, put your heads together and brainstorm solutions. The purpose of this is to generate lots of alternative solutions without any discussion or evaluation; keeping evaluation out of this step encourages thinking off the top of your heads. It is important to write down every solution that is suggested, even if it seems silly or impossible. Save the evaluation for later! Evaluating during brainstorming might discourage people from voicing their ideas, and you might miss a good one!

Parent: So what can we do so that you don’t have to eat broccoli and I know you’re getting all your vitamins?

Child: Eat more vitamins!

Parent: Ok, I’ll write that idea down. And I’m also going to write down serving vegetables you like!

Child:  Or what about smoothies?

Once you’re done brainstorming ideas, go ahead and move on to the next step.

Step 3: Evaluate the Solutions

Go down the list and discuss all of the ideas with each other. A good idea is to put a checkmark next to the ideas you both agree on, cross out the ones no one agrees on, and put a question mark next to the ones on which you have a difference of opinion. You can use your I-Messages and Active Listening skills to discuss the items with a question mark, until you can both agree on a checkmark or crossing it out. You should be left with a list of solutions that you both agree on.

In this case, our parent-child pair put a checkmark next to the smoothies solution, and the choosing vegetables that the child likes solution. They both agreed to cross out the vitamins after a brief discussion, since the parent says that there’s a limit on how many vitamins the child can safely take per day. 

Step 4: Decide on Final Solution(s)

Decide together on the final solution to your conflict. This could include putting one or more of your ideas into action. Since the parent and child here put checkmarks next to 2 solutions, they take a closer look at these two. They decide that choosing a vegetable the child likes and drinking smoothies will both work. The child will be eating something s/he likes, and the parent will know that his/her child will be getting proper nutrition. Remember, the final solution(s) should be mutually agreed on!

Step 5: Implement Solution(s)

At this point, all parties involved should decide who is responsible for the different parts of the solution(s) and what each agrees to do to carry it out. It’s important to agree on when to begin and then put your solution into practice. 

In this example, the child agrees to prepare a list of vegetables he likes and get it to the parent before her next grocery shopping trip, which will be on Friday. The parent agrees to pick up these veggies and serve them with dinner, and s/he also agrees to make smoothies for the child on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays.

Step 6: Evaluate Solution(s)

The next step is to work out a plan to check later on to be sure the solution(s) is still working and everyone’s needs continue to be met if it is an ongoing situation. If it is a one-time event, then be sure that everyone’s needs have been met and the problem has been solved. 

Parent and child decide that they will sit down to talk again in a month. They choose a date on the calendar that works for both of them. 

If the solution(s) isn’t working at that point, they may need to re-evaluate, discuss a different way of implementing their solution, or even brainstorm more ideas.

Method III can help you resolve conflicts without power struggles, hurt feelings, resentment, or anger. It makes sure everyone's needs are met, and everyone will feel satisfied. 

Give it a try!