Mar 31, 2010

Let's Gear-Shift!


While I-Messages produce less defensiveness from children than You-Messages, it's obvious that nobody welcomes hearing that his behavior is causing someone else a problem, no matter how the message is phrased. Even the best constructed I-Message may cause your child to feel hurt, sorry, surprised, embarrassed, defensive, argumentative, or even tearful. After all, he has received a message loud and clear, that his behavior is unacceptable, troublesome or hurtful to you. Often, your child's first reaction will be one that lets you know that now he has a problem This is what we consider as high on the "emotional temperature" thermometer.

You will most always defeat your purpose if you continue to repeat your I-Message when your child reacts negatively to it. If you do, his emotional temperature will go even higher and he will resist you even more strongly.

To increase the chances that your child will hear your I-Message, you'll need to Active Listen and acknowledge his upset feelings. This shifting helps the child deal with his newly created problem and it also demonstrates the parent's understanding and acceptance of the child's reactions. It says: "I see that you're upset and I want to hear you." Listening gives the child a vent for his feelings, a chance to go deeper and if necessary an opportunity to do problem-solving. It lowers your child's emotional temperature.

So as soon as you become aware that your I-Message has caused a problem for your child, you'll want to shift gears from talking to listening. It's a temporary shift and doesn't mean that you are letting go of your needs, but it shows that you are interested in his needs and feelings as well. When your child feels heard accepted, the chances are much greater that he will be able to hear and accept your I-Message.*

*Excerpt from Dr. Thomas Gordon's P.E.T. Participant Workbook

Mar 30, 2010

What Are Your Favorite Roadblocks?

I've learned many ways to "help" my friends, family, co-workers with their problems, but without realization that many of my "helping responses" are "Roadblocks". Yikes!

What are your favorite Roadblocks to use with your children?

I like to share with you a few of my favorite Roadblocks and what the affects are if/when I were to use them.

Roadblock #4: Advising, Giving Solutions - "What I would do is..." "Why don't you..." "Let me suggest..."
  • Can imply child is not able to solve own problems
  • Prevents child from thinking through a problem, considering alternative solutions, and trying them out for reality
  • Can cause dependency, or resistance
Roadblock #5: Persuading With Logic, Arguing - "Here is why you are wrong..." "The facts are..." "Yes, but..."
  • Provokes defensive position and counter arguments
  • Often causes child to "turn off" parent, to quit listening
  • Can cause child to feel inferior, inadequate
Roadblock #7: Praising, Agreeing - "Well, I think you're doing a great job!" "You're right!--that teacher sounds awful!"
  • Implies high parental expectations and possible future evaluation
  • Can be seen as patronizing or as a manipulative effort to encourage desired behavior
  • Can cause anxiety when child's perception of self doesn't match parent's praise
Roadblock #11: Probing and Questioning - "Why...?" "Who...?" "What did you...?" "How...?"
  • Since answering questions often results in getting subsequent criticisms or solutions, children often learn to reply with non-answers, avoidance, half-truths, or lies
  • Since questions often keep the child in the dark as to what the parent is driving at, the child may become anxious and fearful
  • Child can lose sight of his or her problem while answering questions spawned by the parent's concerns*
*Examples from Dr. Thomas Gordon's P.E.T. Participant Workbook

Mar 29, 2010

Are You An EAP?

The Employee Assistance Professional (EAP) has many roles. One is to provide consultation to the workplace in assisting troubled employees. Another is to provide assistance to the employee experiencing family problems.

Family Effectiveness Training and an evaluation done by an EAP, showed how an EAP can utilize this tool with employees for the development of effective communication. EAP's encounter clients in a number of ways:
  • phone consultation
  • in-person assessment and referral in a three-session or less model
  • brief treatment of six to eight sessions
  • trainings and educational seminars in the workplace
EAP's can:
  • Suggest Family Effectiveness Training s a self-help parenting resource, similar to parenting classes they might attend and books they might read.
  • Use the video itself in the assessment process to demonstrate a "partnership model of communication" and enhance the clinician's ability to demonstrate new communication techniques within that assessment process. (Clients can elect to continue on their own if they find the program beneficial.)
  • Develop a lending library for clients who would like to preview Family Effectiveness Training and for clients who would like to continue to use the program on their own. Family Effectiveness Training is a wonderful educative tool for families to utilize when in family therapy.
There is, no doubt, additional creative ways in which EAP's could utilize FET.*

*Review of FET by Mary Ann Legaz, CSW, CEAP

Mar 25, 2010

Have A Values Collision? Can You Accept It?


A note about Values Collisions, and to stress the essential ambiguity of dealing with troubling behaviors of others that don't really affect our own lives, here is a famous and profound verse by Reinhold Niebuhr which says it all:

The Serenity Prayer

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

The courage to change the things I can,

And the wisdom to know the difference.

This is not a prayer for change. It is merely a dramatic way of making the important point that we need to accept the reality that some things can be changed and some things cant.

In the case of values, it takes courage to attempt to change your child through modeling or consulting, or change yourself through a careful examination of the real worth of your values and your child's. If change is possible and desirable and you don't make the attempt, you, the child, or the relationship may suffer. But blind determination to change the child or yourself when no change is really possible can be just as destructive. The serenity prayer urges you to use wisdom in deciding which course to follow.

Serenity comes with the realization that after the use of all your skills, the number of remaining unacceptable behaviors and values is very small compared to the satisfaction gained from the warm, caring relationship you have helped create. You may decide ultimately to put up with a small number of unacceptable behaviors this time "for the relationship's own good."*

*Excerpt from Dr. Thomas Gordon's F.E.T. Adult Resource book

Mar 24, 2010

Need Some Support or Family Resources?


Big Brothers/Big Sisters of America

Single parents and families under stress can find extra support and temporary relief from parenting responsibilities through their program. Volunteers support families by working with children in need of additional attention and friendship.


Military Family Resource Center

The center is an international center to support family advocacy in the military services.


The National Center for Missing and Exploited Children

The Center assists families, citizens' groups, law enforcement agencies, and government institutions. The center also has a toll free number for reporting information that could lead to the location and recovery of a missing child. The number i s 80.843.5678


Prevent Child Abuse America

Prevent Child Abuse America has chapters throughout the United States. Many chapters operate prevention programs.


Parents Without Partners, Inc. (PWP)

PWP has activities and mutual help groups for single parents and their children in the United States, Canada and overseas.


Stepfamily Association of America, Inc. (SAA)

Provides its members with information, education, and support for stepfamilies.


National Child Abuse Hot Line (800) 422.4453

Handles crisis calls and provides information and referrals to every country in the United States.*

*Excerpt from Dr. Thomas Gordon's P.E.T. Participant Workbook

Mar 23, 2010

Angry much?


Unfortunately, often when another person's behavior causes us a problem we get angry and put the blame on them.

Anger is like the tip of an iceberg. It's the part you show to others, but you have other feelings that are more important.

People often "act" mad to cover up those deeper feelings that are hurting them. Anger is sometimes a feeling people have after they have had an earlier feelings.

They don't want to seem soft, vulnerable, or weak so they often act phony. They don't show their true feelings.

They say things like:

"You're not being fair."
"You're a big (swear word.)"
"This is all your fault."
"If you hadn't acted like such a jerk, this wouldn't have happened."

An angry message usually makes the other person feel put down, blamed, guilty, etc. When people hear angry statements like these, they get defensive and want to strike back. Such angry messages can really damage relationships.

Such angry statements are often "You-Messages" because they focus on the other person and usually contain "You." They blame the other person.

Below the surface of the water and under the anger, are feelings like hurt, fear, rejection, jealousy, loneliness, worry, etc.

Here's an example:

You're crossing the street and have the right of way; a car runs a red light and narrowly misses hitting you head-on. What would you actually be feeling first? (fear?)

A minute later, the driver pulls into a gas station and you spot the car. What might you be feeling then? (anger?)

Think about the last time you were angry at someone. Were there any other feelings--just before or just after feeling angry?*

*Excerpt from Dr. Thomas Gordon's Family Effectiveness Training (F.E.T.) Young Adult Resource book

Mar 22, 2010


The Noun and the Verb of "Discipline"

As a noun, discipline is usually understood as:
  • behavior in accordance with rules and regulations
  • instruction to obtain proper action
  • the training effect of experience or adversity
  • behavior maintained by training
Example: "The basketball team showed a lot of discipline."

As a verb, "to discipline" is usually understood by parents as:
  • to bring to a state of order and obedience
  • to punish or penalize in order to train and control
Example: "Parents discipline their children when they misbehave."

You seldom get much controversy about the noun, because it makes us think about order, cooperation, knowing and following correct procedures--such as the discipline of a marching band or symphony orchestra.

However, the verb "to discipline" makes us think of control, punishment, penalty. The controlling and punishing type of discipline creates a lot of controversy. Here is a list of its synonyms: curb, restrain, keep in line, correct, harness, inhibit, chastise, reprimand, criticize, punish.

Think of the "teach-train-guide" kind of discipline as an effort to influence, while the "restrain-restrict-punish" kind of discipline is an effort to control.

Obviously, most parents strongly want to have the ability to influence kids have a positive effect on their lives. But in practice, most parents fall into the trap of trying to control kids by making rules, imposing limits, giving orders and commands, punishing or threatening to punish.

Such control-type methods don't influence children; they only coerce or compel them. This is a crucial difference.*

*Excerpt from Dr. Thomas Gordon's Family Effectiveness Training Adult Resource book

Mar 18, 2010

Real Life Experience with PET

I came across this blog this morning,, the title of the post is:

My Teen Daughter Refuses to Tell Me What's Upsetting Her!

As I was reading the questions and the comments from other Mommies that can empathize with "Daughter Distant", I found comment #39 by "Tess" sharing her "real life experience" with PET:

"Having had three teenagers, I believe that good communication between parent and child is a learned behavior for both and works best when it begins early on. I always insisted that we sit down to dinner together and used that time to work on conversation between us. We all "learned" to listen and to speak our views. Also, when I felt overwhelmed with the anger of my first and oldest teen, I began learning PET (Parent Effectiveness Training). It was a lifesaver, and takes practice, but truly works. Just learning how to begin a conversation so as not to be perceived as a threat to the other person did not come naturally to me, but after trying it out, it became a skill that has been helpful in many relationships. Prior to learning some of their techniques, I might begin a conversation with something like, " Why are you so angry?" or "You are always so angry." After learning PET, I began to say something like, "You don't seem very happy," Believe it or not, just a small change like that has a huge effect on how your statement to your child is perceived by him and it gives him or her an opportunity to respond, rather than going into automatic defense or deflect mode. Anyone having problems communicating with their kids, might want to pick up a copy of PET (Parent Effectiveness Training) and give it a try. It was written decades ago, but remains one of the best, most useful and most helpful parenting books I've ever read."

Thanks Tess! And fellow PET Bloggers, please note that while the PET book was published many decades ago (1970), there is a 30-year anniversary edition—totally revised and updated available. It’s also on iTunes and and available on CD from Gordon Training International or from any on-line bookstore

Mar 17, 2010

Ever heard of Limerick Effectiveness Training?

LET - Limerick Effectiveness Training

So your boss said she wanted you to go
Learn some new skills you didn't yet know
You practiced some ways to be real
So people can know how you feel
And you learned how to deal with a foe.

This model helps you to choose
Which skill that is best to use
You learned about GLOP
That it's something to stop
Which came as not-such-good news.

It's very hard to gauge
Which is your learning stage
You're more than aware
But still not quite there
And hope that will come with age.

So when you finally shift gears
And hear someone else's fears
May you be filled with hope
Because now you can cope
Both with your family and peers.

Happy St.Patrick’s Day!

(Written by the Limerick Master, Linda O’Adams)

Mar 16, 2010

What Is Active Listening and How Do I Do It?

What is this Active Listening and how do you do it? It is a way of listening to acknowledge the reaction of the person to being confronted by your I-Message. Here are some reactions of others to I-Messages and appropriate Active Listening responses:

"How would I know it would effect you."
--> "You're saying you would have no way of knowing." (Active Listening)

"I'm sorry you feel that way."
--> "You're sorry that I feel upset." (Active Listening)

"I didn't do it, Victor did it."
--> "Oh. You know what it was Victor, not you (Active Listening)

"It's not what it looks like. You're making a big fuss out of nothing."
--> "You think my feelings are not justified." (Active Listening)

"I couldn't help but be late...I had a flat tire."
--> "Oh. It was out of your control?" (Active Listening)

As you can see Active Listening is a verbal mirroring of the other's reactions to your Confrontive I-Message. It is sometimes called "feeding back" the others response to show that you understand the other's response and to convey that you are not simply out to get your need met at the other's expense. And you may not always want to abandon your needs, yet you do want to understand the other's response to your confrontation. This can often lead to both of you finding a good no-lose situation to the problem.*

*Excerpt from Dr. Thomas Gordon's F.E.T. Adult Resource book

Mar 15, 2010

How Do I "Shift Gears"?

Shifting Gears with Active Listening

Although you'll be surprised how often others respond constructively and helpfully after hearing your I-Messages, you should expect occasionally to hear resistance, defensiveness, guilt, denial, discomfort or hurt feelings. It's understandable that I-Messages sometimes provoke these responses. They confront others with the prospect of having to change some behavior. People are often surprised or shocked to hear how you feel, and certainly don't like to be told their behavior is unacceptable or that it caused you a problem, even if by chance you've sent a perfect I-Message.

So, when you hear these not-so-uncommon responses to your I-Messages, it is useless to keep hammering at the other with repeated assertive messages.

When you hear resistance or some other feeling-reaction to your I-Message, you'll need to make a quick shift and back off from a sending/assertive posture to a listening/understanding posture. Such a shift will communicate that you want to be sensitive to the feelings your self-disclosure brought out in the other. This shifting gears (think of it as shifting from a going-forward gear to a backing-up gear) lets others know you are not out to get your needs met at their expense. Although you're not ready to abandon your needs, you want to empathize and understand the nature of the problem your assertive I0Message caused the person to whom it was directed. This often leads to seeking a compromise solution.

Because Shifting Gears to listening acknowledges the others' feelings, they often decide on their own to modify their behavior. People find it easier to change if they feel the other person understands how hard it might be.

When you "shift gears" after confrontation in order to hear the concerns of the other person, several important goals will be achieved.

  1. You want to demonstrate concern for and acceptance of the person who is now experiencing a problem as a result of our I-Message confrontation.
  2. You want to understand the other person's communication and let that person know that you do understand by feeding back his/her message.
  3. You want to help the other ventilate, to release the negative feelings, to feel relieved.
  4. You want to help the other take primary responsibility for handling the needs and feelings that are the basis of his of her concerns.
Here are some of the various ways you can "shift gears":
  • A simple acknowledgment of the other's reaction to your I-Message:
"I see."
"You have some feelings about this."
"I understand how it happened."
"That's the way you see it, and I understand."
"Say more, so I'll understand."
  • The simplest way to shift gears is just to stop sending and listen passively.
  • The most effective way to shift gears is to use Active Listening, which is simply a restatement of the other person's response to your I-Message in your own words.*
Stay tuned for tomorrow post about Active Listening and how to do it!

*Excerpt from Dr. Thomas Gordon's F.E.T. Adult Resource book

Mar 10, 2010

Can All Parents Benefit from P.E.T.?

Parent Effectiveness Training certainly does not help all parents equally nor in the same way. Parents differ greatly--in experience, in personality, in the ages of their children, in educational background, in the way they were raised by their parents, and so on. Each parent will have a unique response to P.E.T. and will derive unique benefits. The experience of the large corps of P.E.T. instructors throughout the country can be summed up as follows:

The benefit is much greater when both parents enroll.

Children who have two parents can get mixed up by inconsistent or conflicting approaches. Parents who take P.E.T. together can help each other practice the new skills.

The new skills and methods are much easier to apply by parents when their children are very young.

Such parents don't have to unlearn a lot of old habits. What's more, younger children have not yet developed stubborn coping mechanisms and resistances to their parents' ineffective methods. Furthermore, parents of young children will have more time to become skillful in the new methods before problems get serious.

Parents of adolescents find the skills and methods of P.E.T. particularly valuable.

They lessen the usual storm and stress as parents and teenagers come into conflict over really critical problems such as dating, drinking, dress, drugs, and almost everything else.*

*Writings from Dr. Thomas Gordon's P.E.T. pamphlet

Mar 9, 2010

Is Active Listening & I Messages Required with the No-lose Method?

The Need for Active Listening and I-Messages

Because the no-lose method requires the involved parties to join together in problem-solving, effective communication is a prerequisite. Consequently, parents must do a great deal of Active Listening, and must send clear I-Messages. Parents who have not learned these skills seldom have success with the no-lose method.

Active Listening if required, first, because parents need to understand the feelings or needs of the kids. What do they want? Why do they persist in wanting to do something even after they know it s not acceptable to their parents? What needs are causing them to behave in a certain way?

Why is Bonnie resisting going to nursery school? Why does Jane not want to wear the "ugly" coat? Why does Nathan cry and fight his mother when she drops him off at the baby-sitter's? What are my daughter's needs that make it so important for her to go to the beach during the Easter vacation?

Active Listening is a potent tool for helping a youngster to open up and reveal his real needs and true feelings. When these become understood by the parent, it is often an easy next step to think of another way of meeting those needs that will not involved behavior unacceptable to the parent.

Since strong feelings may come out during problem-solving--from parents as well as youngsters, Active Listening is critically important in helping to release feelings and dissipate them, so that effective problem-solving can continue.

Finally, Active Listening is an important way to let kids know that their proposed solutions are understood and accepted as proposals made in good faith; and that their thoughts and evaluations concerning all proposed solutions are wanted and accepted.

I-Messages are critical in the no-lose method process so kids will know how the parent feels, without impugning the character of the child or putting him down with blame and shame. You-Messages in conflict-resolution usually provoke counter You-Messages and cause the discussion to degenerate into a nonproductive verbal battle with the contestants vying to see who can best clobber the other with insults.

I-Messages also must be used to let kids know that parents have needs and are serious about seeing that those needs are not going to be ignored just because the youngster has his needs. I-Messages communicate the parent's own limits--what he cannot tolerate and what he does not want to sacrifice. I-Messages convey, "I am a person with needs and feelings," "I have a right to enjoy life," "I have rights in our home."*

*Excerpt from Dr. Thomas Gordon's P.E.T. book

Mar 8, 2010

What Are Your Values?


Values are the things that you see as "good" and "desirable" in your life.

Something is a value if you think it is "good", "right" or correct, important, necessary or in some other way desirable for you or for others.

There are three basic kinds of values:
  1. IDEAS: beliefs, opinions, ways of seeing things (e.g., religious, political, moral, artistic).
  2. THINGS: material objects, people, places, possessions (e.g. money, friends, family, cars, clothes, etc.).
  3. EXPERIENCES: activities, events, actions, happenings (e.g., playing sports, listening to music, being with friends, seeing beautiful things).
Values are deeply held and an important part of your identity (e.g., "I am Catholic, musician, Puerto Rican, etc."). As a result, values are hard to change.

You have strong feelings about most of your values, especially when they are questions or "put down."

No two values are the same; there are a few "facts" in the values area.

Differences in values can affect your relationships with others, especially when the differences are great and you or the other person cannot accept the difference. This brings about a values collision--a clashing of ideas about what's "good for you."

These values collisions are normal and unavoidable; how they are solved is the important thing.*

*Excerpt from Dr. Thomas Gordon's Family Effectiveness Training (F.E.T.) Young Adult Resource book

Mar 4, 2010

Would You Like to be Free of Domination?

Families Need Partnerships

There are two ways of relating to others. The traditional way is what Riane Eisler (in her book, The Chalice and the Blade) has called the dominator model in which there is unequal ranking--like the male over the female, parents over children, older over younger children. The more effective way is the partnership model in which some people are not superior and others inferior.

In the partnership model, all members are free of domination. In partnership families, the long-standing tradition of punishment of children would be gone. In family partnerships, conflicts would be resolved democratically and without violence, without winners or losers.

The arts or skills needed in partnership families, as identified by Eisler, are very similar to those taught there in Family Effectiveness Training:

  • open are caring communication
  • empathic and cooperative links between family members
  • democratic relations
  • power with others rather than power over them
  • conflict that is both creative and productive
  • the respectful dealing with differences
Partnerships strengthen, nourish and enrich relationships, while domination destroys, diminishes and deforms them. also, dominator relationships are hierarchical and authoritarian, and they contribute to both verbal and physical violence.

In partnership relations, people are motivated to achieve, while also being loving, supporting and nourishing of others. And, particularly, they use nonviolent ways of resolving their conflicts.

"A living partnerships is composed of two people--each of whom owns, respects and develops his or her own selfhood." (Rogers, 1971)

The famous educator, John Dewey, explained democracy as more than a form of government. It is a mode of living together as "associates" with mutual communication (Dewey, 1936).*

*Excerpt from Dr. Thomas Gordon's Family Effectiveness Training (F.E.T.) Young Adult Resource book

Mar 3, 2010

Do You Compromise?

A Special Note About Compromise

Many parents, who are uncomfortable with the results of either Method I or Method II, turn to an additional option, compromise. While neither parent nor child loses, they don't really win either - both try to win as much as possible and lose as little as possible. This approach is often confused with the P.E.T. alternative, "No Lose Problem Solving - Method III".

In a compromise, both parent and child can feel dissatisfied and the solution may become a wall between the two. A compromise solution is actually made up of trade offs and promises (individual parent and child solutions) and each watches very carefully to be sure that the other does not disregard her pieces of this solution. Usually it involves "buying and selling" solutions and needs are often not even identified. Win-lose concerns and feelings often remain.

In Method III, the first big difference is attitude - there is a genuine desire for a win-win solution which both will be happy with. The second important difference is that needs come before solutions. The needs of both the parent and the child are identified and clarified before solutions are even considered.

Method III means negotiating until a solution meets the parent's needs as well as the child's.*

*Excerpt from Dr. Thomas Gordon's Parent Effectiveness Training, P.E.T. Participant Workbook

Mar 2, 2010

Should Punishment Be Built into the Decision?

Parents have reported that they (or the kids) found themselves, after a no-lose decision had been reached, building into the agreement the penalties or punishments to be administered if the kids did not keep to their agreement.

My earlier reaction to these reports was to suggest that mutually set penalties and punishments might be all right, if they also applied to the parents, should they not uphold their end of the bargain. I now think differently about this issue.

It is far better for parents to avoid bringing up penalties or punishments for failure to stick to an agreement or carry out a Method III decision. In the first place, parents will want to communicate to the youngsters that punishment is not to be used at all any more, even if it is suggested by the kids, as if often will be. Secondly, more is gained by an attitude of trust--trust in the kids' good intentions and integrity. Youngsters tell us, "When I feel trusted, I'm less likely to betray that trust. But when I feel my parent or a teacher is not trusting me, I might as well go ahead and do what they already think I've done. I'm already bad in their opinion. I've already lost, so why not go and do it anyway."

In the no-lose method, parents should simply assume that the kids will carry out the decision. That is part of the new method--trust in each other, trust in keeping to commitments, sticking to promises, holding up one's end of the bargain. Any talk about penalties and punishments is bound to communicate distrust, doubt, suspicion, pessimism. This is not to say that kids will always stick to their agreement. They won't. It says merely that parents should assume that they will. "Innocent until proven guilty" or "responsible until proven irresponsible" is the philosophy we recommend.*

*Excerpt from Dr. Thomas Gordon's P.E.T. book

Mar 1, 2010

What is Conflict?


Conflict is a disagreement, a clash, a quarrel, a fight between two or more people--family members, friends, coworkers and the like. It's the moment of truth in a relationship; a test of its health; a crisis that can weaken or strengthen it.

Conflicts can push people away from each other or pull them closer together. Whether it occurs at home, at school or elsewhere, most people hate conflict and avoid it at all costs. They pretend nothing is wrong.

They do this because in their experience most conflicts end with someone winning and someone losing or both losing. People end up distant from each other, not being friends. Sometimes they end up hating each other, or worse, physically hurting each other.

Few people accept that conflict is a natural part of life and not necessarily bad. Actually, it would be a rare relationship in which one person's needs did not conflict with the other's over a period of time. When any two people (or groups) coexist, conflict is bound to occur just because people are different, think differently and have needs and wants that sometimes don't match.

Conflicts can be about friends, boyfriends, girlfriends, chores, school, rules, clothes, money, homework, territory, rumors, etc.

Conflict in a family, with friends or other students, openly expressed and accepted as natural and inevitable, can be far healthier than most people think. It can be useful in identifying problems which need to be solved. And it can bring about constructive changes in relationships.

Probably the most important factor in any relationship is how conflicts get resolved, not how many conflicts occur. How they get resolved determine to a great extent whether a relationship will be healthy or unhealthy, friendly or unfriendly, intimate or cold, deep or shallow.*

*Excerpt from Dr. Thomas Gordon's F.E.T. Young Adult Resource book