What is a Confrontive I-Message?

Confrontive I-Messages: How to Say What You Feel

An I-Message is a non-blameful way of talking to others when their behavior is causing a problem for you.

Since an I-Message doesn't blame the other person, s/he is much less likely to get defensive.

I-Messages are a way of taking responsibility of your own thoughts, opinions, ideas, feelings and needs and expressing them.

It's hard for someone to argue with you when you say, "I was really worried," or "I'm scared," or "I feel hurt," because you are telling them what it's like to be you, rather than sending blaming You-Messages.

With an I-Message, you're not making judgments about them or analyzing why they behaved the way they did.

A good I-Message usually contains three parts: (1) your real feelings, (2) the behavior of the other person that caused you a problem, (3) the effect that behavior has on you.

YOUR FEELINGS

The most important part of an I-Message is the expression of your feelings--to do that, you need to get in touch with the real feelings you are experiencing and then express those feelings honestly.

A feeling is an experience or a sensation that you have in response to someone or something.

Basically, you experience a wide variety of either painful or pleasurable feelings; it is even sometimes hard to know whether the feeling is painful or pleasurable (e.g. when tickled, third helping of your favorite dessert, scratching mosquito bites).

Your feelings center in your body, not in your head (e.g., fear can be directly felt in shaking, heart pumping, stomach churning).

Thoughts are not the same as feelings; thoughts concern facts, information and knowledge--things in your head.

Your feelings are always changing, you never feel exactly the same from minute to minute place to place, person to person.

THE OTHER'S BEHAVIOR

An important purpose of an I-Message is describing the unacceptable behavior of the other person is a non-blameful way.

Another's behavior is only what you can directly observe, see, hear, smell, taste or feel.

Another's attitudes, feelings, motives and thoughts are not behaviors because you cannot directly observe them.

You can only guess about another's attitudes, motives and feelings. These guesses about what's going on inside another person are only judgments or evaluations.

These are behaviors:

• My brother almost ways has the remote control.
• My friend said s/he didn't like my new girl/boyfriend.

These are judgments of behaviors:

• He's selfish.
• My friend is jealous.*

*Excerpt from Dr. Thomas Gordon's F.E.T. Young Adult Resource Book

The 12 Communication Roadblocks

Throughout our lives, we have learned a variety of ways to help children as well as adults when they have strong feelings, thoughts or problems. We want to be helpful, yet many of our responses actually make it more difficult for the person to express himself, make a decision, or solve a problem.

Listed here are twelve of the more frequent "helping responses" which can become "Roadblocks" to communication. When you read this list, you may feel like the rug has been pulled out from under you because so many of your regular ways of talking responses are now called roadblocks.

1. Ordering, Directing: "Stop feeling sorry for yourself..."
2. Warning, Threatening: "You'll never make friends if..." "You'd better stop worrying so much or..."
3. Moralizing, Preaching: "Life is not a bowl of cherries..." "You shouldn't feel that way..." "Patience is a virtue you should learn..."
4. Advising, Giving Solutions: "What I would do is...", "Why don't you..." "Let me suggest..."
5. Persuading with Logic, Arguing: "Here is why you are wrong..." "The facts are..." "Yes, but..."
6. Judging, Criticizing, Blaming: "You are not thinking maturely..." "You are just lazy..." "Maybe you started the fight first..."
7. Praising, Agreeing: "Well, I think you're doing a great job!" "You're right!--that teacher sounds awful."
8. Name-calling, Ridiculing: "Crybaby--", "That's stupid to worry about one low test grade."
9. Analyzing, Diagnosing: "What's wrong with you is..." "You're just tired." "What you really mean is..."
10. Reassuring, Sympathizing: "Don't worry." "You'll feel better." "Oh, cheer up!"
11. Questioning, Probing: "Why..." "Who...?" "What did you...?" "How...?"
12. Diverting, Sarcasm, Withdrawal: "Let's talk about pleasant things..." "Why don't you try running the world!?" Remaining silent, turning away

Two things to know about "Roadblocks":

1. These are roadblocks when the child/other is experiencing a problem or strong feelings (Other Owns a Problem). When the relationship is in the "No Problem Area" many of these are not roadblocks (e.g., joking, asking questions, etc.). Some, like name-calling and ridiculing are always risky and cause problems.
2. You are not a "bad" parent because you use roadblocks. You are doing what you have been taught to do to help others. P.E.T. will provide you with more effective alternatives to begin using instead of these common roadblocks.

Future posts on the effects some roadblocks have on communication, and useful alternatives to help the flow of communication.