Showing posts with label active listening. Show all posts
Showing posts with label active listening. Show all posts
Apr 8, 2014
Jul 18, 2013
Talk Less, Listen More
by Gordon Training International Master Trainer, Steve Emmons
In all of our relationships we experience conflicts and problems; life can be messy. In spite of our hopes and dreams for a happy, trouble-free family, strong friendships and positive work relationships, real life is not perfect. Communication can be confusing, problems difficult to solve and our thoughts, needs and beliefs different from the people we care about. No matter how close a bond we have, personal and professional relationships require constant attention and an investment of time and energy to keep them strong and mutually rewarding.
As parents we want to help our children when they struggle with problems or experience conflict; we want the best for them. Our natural response is to do all we can, as quickly as we can to protect them and insure that they are safe and happy.
As mentioned in a recent article, the first step is to determine exactly whose problem it is. Is it my child’s problem, is it my problem because of something my child is doing that I don’t like or is it a shared problem we have to tackle together? You need to decide “Who Owns the Problem”? To determine this, figure out who the problem is directly affecting. (And no, if your kid is getting bad grades, the problem isn't yours!)
When you determine that your child, another family member, friend, coworker or other person “owns” a problem then you have a question to ask yourself and a decision to make.
“Do I let him deal with his problem without my involvement or do I take some action to help him solve the problem but without falling into the trap of doing it for him?”
The answer to this question depends on the nature of your relationship with that person and your investment in them. If the person is a family member, friend or work colleague and you have a special interest in the relationship then, in most situations, you will want to help.
Most people - regardless of their cultural background - will wonder: “What can I say that will help?” or “What solution can I provide that will help my child?” But there are usually some pretty undesirable consequences that come with being the parent who always solves their child's problems.
Besides creating dependency, you can fall into the trap of answering a question that may not really be a question at all, or may not even be about the real underlying problem. Questions are often used as an attempt to express feelings or thoughts. Your daughter asks the question “Mom what should I do?” may really be a disguised way of her saying : “I’m confused”, “I feel stuck”, “I want time with you.”, or “I feel scared about making that decision.”
A clear indication of this is when you answer a question and get back the reply: “Yes, but…” or “What if…” Clearly, the other person wasn’t really asking you to solve their problem for them. In fact, talking and providing your opinion or idea is not what is needed to help your child in these situations. What’s called for is listening.
Helping by listening can be broken into two general groups; Basic Listening and Active Listening.
BASIC LISTENING to help others when they have a problem or concern includes giving your child space to talk, devoting your full attention to her and providing a few short signals that you are listening. Basic Listening includes:
• Being Silent: silence can be uncomfortable and the urge to say something to fill the void can be strong. However, silence can give your child or another person space to talk. It puts the ball in their court and lets them share their feelings and thoughts without interruption. Helping by silence is sometimes enough for your child to solve a problem.
• Show You Are Listening With Your Body Language: often silence by itself is not enough; you need to demonstrate that you are really listening. Comfortable eye contact (not staring), sitting facing the person, smiles, frowns, nods of your head and hand gestures all show your child that you are tuned in and connected and makes it comfortable for them to talk about their upset or problem.
• A Few Simple Statements: “Ah!”, “I see.”, “Wow!”, “Mmmm.” provide some simple verbal signals that you are listening. Just don’t overdo it, keep these few and far between.
• Door Openers: sometimes simple invitations to say more can help your child to get started. “I’m ready to listen if you want to talk.” “I’ve got time to talk right now.” “Seems like something’s bothering you.” “I’m all ears.” are a few examples. Just remember, these are only to open the door to speak so one or two at the beginning are enough.
ACTIVE LISTENING as the name implies is more active and involving than Basic Listening.
Active Listening allows your child or another person to talk about a problem and identify what the real problem, issue or upset is and then come up with his or her own best solution.
Active Listening is not about asking questions; instead it’s about making statements to check out what the other is saying and prove that you heard and understood. Years ago I was taught to ask questions to help someone talk about a problem. What I’ve learned is that questions may instead act as roadblocks. When you ask a question, your child has to stop talking and think; “Do I know the answer to Dad’s question?” or “Do I want to tell Dad?” Maybe a handsome, athletic teenage son is reluctant to admit to his Dad that he is really anxious about asking a girl on a date or a daughter is worried about the bad grade she just got on a test and what Mom will say about it.
A question can also pull your child away from her real problem and focus instead on what you as parent think the problem is. Or, if your daughter is really flooded with emotion, she may not even be able to think about an answer to a question and she may stop talking altogether.
It’s hard to not ask questions; as parents we want to know what our child’s problem is, we want to know all the details and completely understand how they are feeling and what their options are. The relevant word here is “we”, the only person who really needs to know all the details is the one who is going to solve the problem and that’s your child, the one who owns the problem.
Replacing questions with statements is not easy and yet it can make an almost magical difference in how our children respond and deal with their problems. Instead of having to stop and think about answering a question or digesting your advice, listening can create a non-blameful, safe feeling and actually help your child talk more.
QUESTION vs. ACTIVE LISTENING STATEMENT
“What happened?” “Seems like you’re upset.”
“Why are you worried?” “Looks like you are really worried about that.”
“Why can’t you just talk to her?” “Sounds like you’re really anxious about talking to her”
Using statements to reflect back what you hear and what you see in your child’s body language makes it easy for your child to continue to talk. A very comforting thing happens; you don’t need to be perfect! Even if your reflective statement is off the mark, it won’t stop your child from continuing to talk. He will usually just correct you and continue; “No Mom, I’m not frustrated, I’m just confused about what my teacher meant.”
Sometimes only one listening response is needed: “Wow that really hurts!” may be enough to let him know you get it when your three-year-old son comes in crying with a scraped knee. His response may be something like “Yeah Mommy it’s a big ouchy!” and then out the door he goes to play without further crying and dramatics.
Active Listening, however, is more than just letting your child vent and “unflood” feelings, it is also a process that allows your child to first, identify what the real problem or concern is and second, to actually do some simple problem solving and come up with her own best solution.
Many problems are more complicated; in fact, problems are like onions, there are multiple layers of feelings and thoughts that need to be peeled away to get to the heart of the problem. This type of reflective listening allows your child to talk about a problem, peel back the layers of the onion, identify the real issue or feelings and solve the problem.
So, when your child (or partner or other person - it can work wonders even with your own parents!) has a problem, talk less and listen more. In fact, listen most. Let the person who “Owns” the problem be the one to solve it. You daughter’s solution of not talking to her friend for a week may not be a solution you would choose, however, it may be the best one for your daughter given her unique situation.
Active Listening is most often done face to face or on the phone however, there are exciting possibilities using email and even texting.
Of course there will be times when your child’s solution does have a direct negative effect on you. In those situations, it changes to a “Parent Owns” or a "We Own" the problem situation and then it’s time for you to speak up, which we’ll talk about more coming up next...
People often ask me, if you could only give parents one piece of advice about helping their children deal with problems, what would it be? My answer is; “Talk less and listen more.”
In all of our relationships we experience conflicts and problems; life can be messy. In spite of our hopes and dreams for a happy, trouble-free family, strong friendships and positive work relationships, real life is not perfect. Communication can be confusing, problems difficult to solve and our thoughts, needs and beliefs different from the people we care about. No matter how close a bond we have, personal and professional relationships require constant attention and an investment of time and energy to keep them strong and mutually rewarding.
As parents we want to help our children when they struggle with problems or experience conflict; we want the best for them. Our natural response is to do all we can, as quickly as we can to protect them and insure that they are safe and happy.
As mentioned in a recent article, the first step is to determine exactly whose problem it is. Is it my child’s problem, is it my problem because of something my child is doing that I don’t like or is it a shared problem we have to tackle together? You need to decide “Who Owns the Problem”? To determine this, figure out who the problem is directly affecting. (And no, if your kid is getting bad grades, the problem isn't yours!)
When you determine that your child, another family member, friend, coworker or other person “owns” a problem then you have a question to ask yourself and a decision to make.
“Do I let him deal with his problem without my involvement or do I take some action to help him solve the problem but without falling into the trap of doing it for him?”
The answer to this question depends on the nature of your relationship with that person and your investment in them. If the person is a family member, friend or work colleague and you have a special interest in the relationship then, in most situations, you will want to help.
Most people - regardless of their cultural background - will wonder: “What can I say that will help?” or “What solution can I provide that will help my child?” But there are usually some pretty undesirable consequences that come with being the parent who always solves their child's problems.
Besides creating dependency, you can fall into the trap of answering a question that may not really be a question at all, or may not even be about the real underlying problem. Questions are often used as an attempt to express feelings or thoughts. Your daughter asks the question “Mom what should I do?” may really be a disguised way of her saying : “I’m confused”, “I feel stuck”, “I want time with you.”, or “I feel scared about making that decision.”
A clear indication of this is when you answer a question and get back the reply: “Yes, but…” or “What if…” Clearly, the other person wasn’t really asking you to solve their problem for them. In fact, talking and providing your opinion or idea is not what is needed to help your child in these situations. What’s called for is listening.
Helping by listening can be broken into two general groups; Basic Listening and Active Listening.BASIC LISTENING to help others when they have a problem or concern includes giving your child space to talk, devoting your full attention to her and providing a few short signals that you are listening. Basic Listening includes:
• Being Silent: silence can be uncomfortable and the urge to say something to fill the void can be strong. However, silence can give your child or another person space to talk. It puts the ball in their court and lets them share their feelings and thoughts without interruption. Helping by silence is sometimes enough for your child to solve a problem.
A father shared this story with me about using silence. His teenage son came home from school one day and instead of stopping to chat about school; he slammed down his books and went out the back door. Dad went out and sat down beside him on the steps.
The father was taking a P.ET. course but he told me his mind went blank and could only remember “Just be quiet and listen.” so he sat there with his son in complete silence. After 5 minutes of silence his son turned to him and said; “Dad, thanks for listening now I know what I’m going to do.” Then in a good mood he when off to do his homework.
• Show You Are Listening With Your Body Language: often silence by itself is not enough; you need to demonstrate that you are really listening. Comfortable eye contact (not staring), sitting facing the person, smiles, frowns, nods of your head and hand gestures all show your child that you are tuned in and connected and makes it comfortable for them to talk about their upset or problem.
• A Few Simple Statements: “Ah!”, “I see.”, “Wow!”, “Mmmm.” provide some simple verbal signals that you are listening. Just don’t overdo it, keep these few and far between.
• Door Openers: sometimes simple invitations to say more can help your child to get started. “I’m ready to listen if you want to talk.” “I’ve got time to talk right now.” “Seems like something’s bothering you.” “I’m all ears.” are a few examples. Just remember, these are only to open the door to speak so one or two at the beginning are enough.
ACTIVE LISTENING as the name implies is more active and involving than Basic Listening.
Active Listening allows your child or another person to talk about a problem and identify what the real problem, issue or upset is and then come up with his or her own best solution.
Active Listening is not about asking questions; instead it’s about making statements to check out what the other is saying and prove that you heard and understood. Years ago I was taught to ask questions to help someone talk about a problem. What I’ve learned is that questions may instead act as roadblocks. When you ask a question, your child has to stop talking and think; “Do I know the answer to Dad’s question?” or “Do I want to tell Dad?” Maybe a handsome, athletic teenage son is reluctant to admit to his Dad that he is really anxious about asking a girl on a date or a daughter is worried about the bad grade she just got on a test and what Mom will say about it.
A question can also pull your child away from her real problem and focus instead on what you as parent think the problem is. Or, if your daughter is really flooded with emotion, she may not even be able to think about an answer to a question and she may stop talking altogether.
It’s hard to not ask questions; as parents we want to know what our child’s problem is, we want to know all the details and completely understand how they are feeling and what their options are. The relevant word here is “we”, the only person who really needs to know all the details is the one who is going to solve the problem and that’s your child, the one who owns the problem.
Replacing questions with statements is not easy and yet it can make an almost magical difference in how our children respond and deal with their problems. Instead of having to stop and think about answering a question or digesting your advice, listening can create a non-blameful, safe feeling and actually help your child talk more.
QUESTION vs. ACTIVE LISTENING STATEMENT
“What happened?” “Seems like you’re upset.”
“Why are you worried?” “Looks like you are really worried about that.”
“Why can’t you just talk to her?” “Sounds like you’re really anxious about talking to her”
Using statements to reflect back what you hear and what you see in your child’s body language makes it easy for your child to continue to talk. A very comforting thing happens; you don’t need to be perfect! Even if your reflective statement is off the mark, it won’t stop your child from continuing to talk. He will usually just correct you and continue; “No Mom, I’m not frustrated, I’m just confused about what my teacher meant.”
Sometimes only one listening response is needed: “Wow that really hurts!” may be enough to let him know you get it when your three-year-old son comes in crying with a scraped knee. His response may be something like “Yeah Mommy it’s a big ouchy!” and then out the door he goes to play without further crying and dramatics.
Active Listening, however, is more than just letting your child vent and “unflood” feelings, it is also a process that allows your child to first, identify what the real problem or concern is and second, to actually do some simple problem solving and come up with her own best solution.
Many problems are more complicated; in fact, problems are like onions, there are multiple layers of feelings and thoughts that need to be peeled away to get to the heart of the problem. This type of reflective listening allows your child to talk about a problem, peel back the layers of the onion, identify the real issue or feelings and solve the problem.
So, when your child (or partner or other person - it can work wonders even with your own parents!) has a problem, talk less and listen more. In fact, listen most. Let the person who “Owns” the problem be the one to solve it. You daughter’s solution of not talking to her friend for a week may not be a solution you would choose, however, it may be the best one for your daughter given her unique situation.
Active Listening is most often done face to face or on the phone however, there are exciting possibilities using email and even texting.
Of course there will be times when your child’s solution does have a direct negative effect on you. In those situations, it changes to a “Parent Owns” or a "We Own" the problem situation and then it’s time for you to speak up, which we’ll talk about more coming up next...
Mar 18, 2013
P.E.T. Tip of the Month
For your I-Messages to be effective, you often need to spend more time active listening to the other person’s responses than you spend giving your I-Message.
Remember the Gear-Shifting diagram (page 60 in the P.E.T. workbook)?
A clear I-Message is a powerful tool. You get to think seriously about your needs and stand up for yourself with clarity and confidence. No blaming, directing or otherwise roadblocking the other person, so you’re also strengthening your relationship with him. You expect to get a quick positive result.
And sometimes you do. What often happens, though, is that the other person instead starts to defend himself. It can feel as if you haven’t given an I-Message at all. The temptation then is for you to defend yourself—or, at the very least, to try to drive your I-Message home. Instead, now is a good time to take a discrete deep breath.
Most people are expecting to be dismissed or controlled when there is a problem. Until their point of view and feelings about it have been thoroughly listened to and accepted, they can’t experience the profound respect of your I-Message.So you need to active listen until they relax a bit, restate your I-Message as clearly and briefly as you can, then active listen again. Once the other person experiences that you:
1. Sincerely accept his position and its importance to him;
2. Are not trying to change his mind;
3. Are simply expressing your conflicting need, and
4. Trust him to come up with an effective solution, or to work one out with you that meets both your needs;
...he is much more likely be able to listen to you, and willing to help you out.
In the meantime, best wishes for plenty of happy and effective parenting!
By: Certified P.E.T. Instructor, Catherine Dickerson, M.Ed., LCSW, Registered Play Therapist, License #24454
Catherine's next P.E.T. workshop begins in Solana Beach, CA on April 16th! Email family@gordontraining.com for more details.
Remember the Gear-Shifting diagram (page 60 in the P.E.T. workbook)?
A clear I-Message is a powerful tool. You get to think seriously about your needs and stand up for yourself with clarity and confidence. No blaming, directing or otherwise roadblocking the other person, so you’re also strengthening your relationship with him. You expect to get a quick positive result.
And sometimes you do. What often happens, though, is that the other person instead starts to defend himself. It can feel as if you haven’t given an I-Message at all. The temptation then is for you to defend yourself—or, at the very least, to try to drive your I-Message home. Instead, now is a good time to take a discrete deep breath.
Most people are expecting to be dismissed or controlled when there is a problem. Until their point of view and feelings about it have been thoroughly listened to and accepted, they can’t experience the profound respect of your I-Message.So you need to active listen until they relax a bit, restate your I-Message as clearly and briefly as you can, then active listen again. Once the other person experiences that you:
1. Sincerely accept his position and its importance to him;
2. Are not trying to change his mind;
3. Are simply expressing your conflicting need, and
4. Trust him to come up with an effective solution, or to work one out with you that meets both your needs;
...he is much more likely be able to listen to you, and willing to help you out.
In the meantime, best wishes for plenty of happy and effective parenting!
By: Certified P.E.T. Instructor, Catherine Dickerson, M.Ed., LCSW, Registered Play Therapist, License #24454
Catherine's next P.E.T. workshop begins in Solana Beach, CA on April 16th! Email family@gordontraining.com for more details.Mar 13, 2013
How P.E.T. Helped Our Family Handle An Incident Of Cyberbullying
Cyberbullying is a phenomenon that is unique to this generation and it personally touched my family when my daughter was 10 years old and in the 5th grade. It is a form of bullying that has evolved due to the rapid onset of our use of electronic technology and the arrival of social media sites in the late 1990's. According to Internetsaftey.org (http://www.internetsafety.org), "Cyberbullying is willful and repeated harm (i.e., harassing, humiliating, or threatening text or images) inflicted through the Internet, interactive technologies, or mobile phones." In short, anyone who uses a computer, email, instant messaging, social media sites, mobile phone, or interactive online video games, is using the tools that enable cyberbullying to take place. As a result there is a high risk of experiencing cyberbullying either as a victim, a bystander, or as the perpetrator.
This week there has been a Cyberbullying Prevention Act put forward in the state of Maryland in response to a few high profile suicides by young teens who were the victims of cyberbullying. Cyberbullying has real and serious consequences. There is some evidence to show that the rates of depression are higher among children who experience cyberbullying versus "traditional" bullying. In the words of Noah Brocklebank (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/03/12/noah-brocklebank-letters_n_2861140.html) (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sR4D4HLzciU&feature=youtu.be), who was a young victim of cyberbullying, "Words have power." In my opinion there is no better book or course than Dr. Thomas Gordon's Parent Effectiveness Training in order to equip parents, and everyone who interacts with children, with the communication tools ensure that their words have positive and not negative power.Cyberbullying is a fact of modern life that we all need to take seriously, but especially anyone who interacts with children. In my daughter's instance, cyberbullying occurred in the first year that she was actively using the internet to socialize with her friends after school via Skype conference calls and Skype instant messaging. It started as a form of social acceptance and camaraderie. It quickly and very easily turned into cyberbullying. Internetsafety.org defines cyberbullying tactics as the following:
- Gossip: Posting or sending cruel gossip to damage a person’s reputation and relationships with friends, family, and acquaintances
- Exclusion: Deliberately excluding someone from an online group
- Impersonation: Breaking into someone’s e-mail or other online account and sending messages that will cause embarrassment or damage to the person’s reputation and affect his or her relationship with others
- Harassment: Repeatedly posting or sending offensive, rude, and insulting messages
- Cyberstalking: Posting or sending unwanted or intimidating messages, which may include threats
- Flaming: Online fights where scornful and offensive messages are posted on websites, forums, or blogs
- Outing and Trickery: Tricking someone into revealing secrets or embarrassing information, which is then shared online
- Cyberthreats: Remarks on the Internet threatening or implying violent behavior, displaying suicidal tendencies
According to The American Academy of Pediatrics, cyberbullying is the “most common online risk for all teens” and girls are more likely to engage in cyberbullying than boys are. Our children are using these interactive technologies more and more, at younger and younger ages, and they can have access to them in every area of their life. Although cyberbullying may be a fact of modern life I believe that the skills taught in the P.E.T. course provide a model of communication and parenting that can help turn the tide on cyberbullying in two key ways.
Modeling How to Resolve Conflicts Without the Use of Power
Firstly, the P.E.T. model of communication and parenting is unique because of the fact that it dissects how power is used in relationships and puts forward a model of resolving conflicts without the use of power, called Method III. Cyberbullying is a form of power that the perpetrator inflicts on the victim and bystanders. By raising our children using the P.E.T. model, and specifically the Method III approach to resolving conflicts without the use of power, we are modelling behavior that they can then follow themselves in their interactions with others.
Helping Children Meet Their Needs
Secondly, the P.E.T. model of communication and parenting does not use the term misbehavior but rather states that "all behavior is to get a need met". Think about this in terms of the behavior that the victim of cyberbullying will exhibit, the behavior of a bystander, and then the behavior of the perpetrator. All three are exhibiting behavior to have a need met and the better we all are at identifying when a child needs our help, whether they are a victim, bystander or perpetrator, the sooner we can begin to put an end to an incidence of cyberbullying. The P.E.T. parent uses the Helping Characteristics of Empathy, Acceptance and Genuineness, combined with the powerful Helping Skill of Active Listening in order to help their children meet their unique needs. In turn, by modeling this type of communication, the P.E.T. parent helps their child learn how to communicate more effectively in order to meet their own needs or to ask for help when it is needed.
In our personal experience of handling my daughter's instance of cyberbullying I can identify the following things that I learned through the P.E.T. course that helped us to resolve the situation.
Sharing Values Respectfully - It is a strong value of mine to treat others the way that you want to be treated and I share this with my children in different ways. About 6 months before my daughter experienced cyberbullying I had asked the kids to watch a series of talks with me on CNN called Stop Bullying: Speak Up (http://www.cnn.com/SPECIALS/2011/bullying/). This initiative is also the first place that I heard about a recently released documentary about bullying called Bully (http://www.thebullyproject.com/). The timing could not have been better. When my daughter began experiencing cyberbullying, she knew that this behavior was not okay, she also knew that I was aware that it can happen and that she could talk to me about it. I know that the discussions we had following our viewing of the CNN programs had a positive impact on the situation she experienced.
Modeling behavior - Shortly after reality shows became a popular form of television viewing, I recognized that some of them condone the use of bullying behavior in the name of entertainment. I made the decision not to watch those shows and since we don't have cable television my children have not watched those shows either. Funnily enough, the discussion has never come up but if it did I would explain to my children why I don't watch shows of that nature, because they normalize bullying tactics and desensitize society to their impact. I would be sharing a value with them while at the same time ensuring my behavior was consistent with that value.
Active Listening - As a parent who has taken the P.E.T. course, and as a P.E.T. Instructor, I know the power that Active Listening can have on your day to day interactions with your children. When your child is going through something like cyberbullying, the power of Active Listening really comes into its own. Throughout the period that my daughter was experiencing cyberbullying, we were using Active Listening and this allowed her to share with us the story of what was happening to her. We helped her to problem solve and she took examples of the cyberbullying she was experiencing through the use of instant messages to her school counselor. The fact that she had cut and pasted the examples onto a piece of paper and scheduled a meeting with the school counselor were totally her initiatives. She knew she had our support and I was so proud of her for feeling empowered to take this course of action. I know that Active Listening helped her begin to solve the problem.
More Active Listening
The element of Active Listening that completely caught me off guard involved me Active Listening in an email communication from one of the perpetrators. In this email he was threatening my daughter and encouraging others in the email chain to exclude her. He stated that her actions in bringing the situation to the school's attention had resulted in his friend, the primary perpetrator, getting into big trouble at home. Now believe me, his email was very serious and threatening in nature and I got on the phone and called his mother straight away to inform her that I needed to bring this to the school's attention. What was different about how I did this was a result of what I had learned in the P.E.T. course. I explained to her that I could tell that her son was being a loyal friend, and that his need in that moment was to protect a friend that he was worried about. His email provided me with the information I needed about both of the perpetrators unmet needs that had led to their behavior.
Resolving Conflicts Without the Use of Power
The fact that I knew what the perpetrators needs were and had empathy for them and their families as well as for my daughter, the victim, had a huge impact on how we dealt with the situation as a combined team with the school principal and counselor, the parents and the children. We had a very constructive discussion, the children were able to become friends again and are still in touch today. I feel certain that it is because my daughter also began to use some of the P.E.T. skills that she saw us modelling and that empowered her. The parents of the perpetrators were able to better understand what had led to their children's behavior and help them to meet their unique needs at the time.
I will forever be grateful that P.E.T. had come into my life before I had to handle the situation of cyberbullying that my daughter experienced. If you have already taken the course and you have an evening to watch the Bully movie you will see many instances of parents, teachers and school administrators who do not handle the situations they encounter with the P.E.T. skills and you so wish they would.
All of the resources mentioned above are a great source of further information about cyberbullying, and what to look out for if you or someone you know is experiencing cyberbullying. In addition Robert Pereira, head of the Effectiveness Training Institute of Australia, has written a powerful book called "Why We Bully" which I highly recommend: http://www.bullying-prevention.com.
___________________________________________________________________________
Heidi Mulligan Walker is a mother to three children and is the Founder of The Difference. As a certified Parent Effectiveness Training Instructor she assists families achieve more peaceful and rewarding family dynamics by sharing the communication techniques pioneered by Dr. Thomas Gordon. Heidi and her family relocated to Cary, North Carolina in 2012 after living abroad in the UK and China for the past 18 years. She is loving sharing the American experience with her husband and young family. You can register to join a course, take part in a free monthly parenting call, find family reflections and read her blog on her website http://www.thedifference.uk.com and follow her on Facebook www.facebook.com/thedifferenceparenting.
Jan 24, 2013
Can You Active Listen in a Text Message?
This is a transcript of a real text conversation between a Mom (M), while she was taking a P.E.T. Instructor Training Workshop, and her Daughter (E). Her daughter’s friends are represented by Briana Gina, Rachel and Justine. (Names have been changed to ensure privacy).
M: Hey baby, how was your day?
E: Good, Briana wasn't so nice to me and ruined my day.
M: You sound upset sweetie.
E: Yes because I was with Briana and Gina comes and I say hi because I was happy to see her and she doesn't even answer back and pushes me away!! What is happening?? : - o : - o : - o
M: I can see that you felt ignored by Gina.
E: She always treats me badly.
M: So you feel she doesn't respect you.
E: Today I said hi after going trick a treating on the school street and she completely ignored me just because she’s jealous of me that she doesn't have the amazing parents I have – that love like you love me. And because she doesn't have friends like Briana and she’s jealous just because she wants to be like me.
M: So you are feeling that she’s jealous of what you have and at the same time you are sad because you want your friendship to be the same as before.
E: The thing is that when I’m with Briana and Gina arrives she only greets Briana and says come here and bla bla bla and takes Briana away from me and I HATE when she does that. I HATE it.
M: I can see it really makes you angry that Gina only spends time with Briana and you feel lonely.
E: No I don’t feel lonely because I have Rachel and Justine it’s just that Gina always takes what I am using or what she shouldn't be taking away because I’m with someone or something.
M: It make you angry that Gina wants what you have and you don’t want to tell her not to do it.
E: Yeah and she just gets jealous because I’m with Briana.
M: So you feel that she’s jealous that you have more time with Briana because you’re in the same school.
E: I don’t know, but when she joins us she has to take Briana away and I don’t like it because it bothers me so much.
M: So you get upset when Gina takes Briana away and you can’t really find the words or the way to tell her that what she does bothers you.
E: Yes. Exactamondo!!! The best answer ever xoxoxo
(PAUSE/SILENCE)
So what are you doing?
M: It makes me happy to listen to you baby and that you want to share this with me : ), : - ) : - ) : - )
E: Me too mom. I love you!! : - D : - D : - D
M: Me too!!!
What do you think? Let us know!
by: Selena George, P.E.T. Program Manager
Aug 22, 2012
They're Not Teaching You I-Messages
Just yesterday we received a phone call from someone who was in the middle of taking an (unmentionable) communication skills course, and called us to ask for clarification on giving the I-Message. This extremely frustrated young man sounded relieved to be finally getting some real help and clarification on how this skill works. As he delicately approached his question, he began by explaining something that was actually very different from what an I-Message really is. Because just as common as the term is used, it is mis-used. Here was yet another example of it's misuse.
He proceeded to ask for reassurance on whether or not he should be following the formula: I feel______ when______ and I would like______ so can we _______.
I politely explained to him that we do not teach that formula and that unfortunately, I could not help him in his search for how to correctly deliver this four-part confrontive statement of sorts. After several more attempts to get me to answer him about this, I began to listen closer to his frustration. He told me that he was desperately trying to get this thing down right and that every time he asked for more questions in the class, he was accused of not doing his homework. Nobody was giving him the proper formula for how to fill in those four blanks and when he tried it at home, it was not working at all like they said it would.
I listened. (And by that I mean, I active listened.) After what I believed to be a minor breakthrough on his part, I offered to teach him the original, three-part I-Message by Dr. Thomas Gordon. He asked for examples and I provided them. He wrote down the formula and was pleased. "Finally," he expressed, "this is something that makes much more sense. It's like now I have the right equation to plug into."
I couldn't help but then ask him what this class had taught him about running into resistance after you give someone your I-Message. What were you supposed to do then? His answer was painful. He was advised to repeat himself, act "appropriately" and then tell the other person something along the lines of: "You don't want to talk about this now so let's set up a time when we can talk later."
I can't say I was shocked, but there was some serious head-shaking happening on my end. The poor guy! I could tell how badly he wanted to improve his communication skills and how strongly his desire for help was. To be given a set of tools that didn't work must have been like buying a bicycle without wheels. I wondered aloud: "What are you supposed to do after your second attempt to talk with them and they respond in the same way? Repeat the cycle?"
He sighed. I could hear his shrug right through the phone.
When I explained to him what shifting gears into Active Listening was, it was like a light turned on in his head. Knowing that he had written all this new information down, he sounded eager to continue his research. He thanked me graciously and we ended our conversation.
I hope the rest of the students in that class give us a call!
He proceeded to ask for reassurance on whether or not he should be following the formula: I feel______ when______ and I would like______ so can we _______.
I politely explained to him that we do not teach that formula and that unfortunately, I could not help him in his search for how to correctly deliver this four-part confrontive statement of sorts. After several more attempts to get me to answer him about this, I began to listen closer to his frustration. He told me that he was desperately trying to get this thing down right and that every time he asked for more questions in the class, he was accused of not doing his homework. Nobody was giving him the proper formula for how to fill in those four blanks and when he tried it at home, it was not working at all like they said it would.
I listened. (And by that I mean, I active listened.) After what I believed to be a minor breakthrough on his part, I offered to teach him the original, three-part I-Message by Dr. Thomas Gordon. He asked for examples and I provided them. He wrote down the formula and was pleased. "Finally," he expressed, "this is something that makes much more sense. It's like now I have the right equation to plug into."
I couldn't help but then ask him what this class had taught him about running into resistance after you give someone your I-Message. What were you supposed to do then? His answer was painful. He was advised to repeat himself, act "appropriately" and then tell the other person something along the lines of: "You don't want to talk about this now so let's set up a time when we can talk later."
I can't say I was shocked, but there was some serious head-shaking happening on my end. The poor guy! I could tell how badly he wanted to improve his communication skills and how strongly his desire for help was. To be given a set of tools that didn't work must have been like buying a bicycle without wheels. I wondered aloud: "What are you supposed to do after your second attempt to talk with them and they respond in the same way? Repeat the cycle?"He sighed. I could hear his shrug right through the phone.
When I explained to him what shifting gears into Active Listening was, it was like a light turned on in his head. Knowing that he had written all this new information down, he sounded eager to continue his research. He thanked me graciously and we ended our conversation.
I hope the rest of the students in that class give us a call!
Jun 28, 2012
How to Deal When Your Children Are Violent
Violent tantrums: even the term is cringe-worthy. These mortifying experiences are commonly misunderstood by parents. More common still, is knowing the best way to handle these situations. Whether you're dealing with this in your family right now or think you have the best solution to cure these screaming, slapping and crying little people, consider the following:
First and foremost, parents should re-set their frame of mind. Remember that all behaviors (for children and adults alike) are attempts to fulfill a certain need. For example, your two-year-old runs away from the tub everyday at bathtime. What his behavior is saying = "I do NOT want to do that!" With a bit of Active Listening (verbal and non-verbal), you might find out why he is resistant to taking baths. Maybe he knows that right after bathtime is bedtime, and so he's trying to delay. Maybe you run the bath water too hot. A child this young might not have any way of verbalizing this to you and may not even realize that taking a bath can happen any time of day, or that the bath water can, in fact, be ran at a cooler temperature. When your children show you strong resistance, they are showing you that they're experiencing a problem.
Active Listening is the number one tool in finding out what's going on behind their behavior, which often asks as a masking agent. If your child is upset, it's not the time to cut them off and tell them to "put a cork in it." While you can explain (as a consultant) the effect that certain violent behaviors have on those around them, commanding them to stop will not solve their issue. Problems handled in this way lead to repetitive and often more passionate outburtsts. Children, like adults, want to be listened to and want their feelings to be considered. After Active Listening, sometimes the tantrum will stop right there. But other times it won't...
Particularly in families where the child's needs are rarely considered, if ever, a change in the child's behavior from tantrums to peacefulness will take some time to appear. Active Listening isn't usually an overnight fix. It takes time for the child to get used to the fact that you are actually listening to their needs and considering their feelings. In parent-child relationships which have been power based and the child usually "loses" the battle, trust will need to be rebuilt in order to have a solid foundation for Active Listening to be effective.
With time, skill, and some patience, these outlashes will begin to subside. By showing your children that you aren't going to simply "make them do something because you said so", you are also teaching your children an extremely important lesson in how to deal with conflicts. Raising children in this way will provide our society with the kind of adults who handle the needs and feelings of others in a respectable and effective manner.
For much more on this, check out the Parent Effectiveness Training book or learn about P.E.T. classes near you!
What do you think? Let us know!
Active Listening is the number one tool in finding out what's going on behind their behavior, which often asks as a masking agent. If your child is upset, it's not the time to cut them off and tell them to "put a cork in it." While you can explain (as a consultant) the effect that certain violent behaviors have on those around them, commanding them to stop will not solve their issue. Problems handled in this way lead to repetitive and often more passionate outburtsts. Children, like adults, want to be listened to and want their feelings to be considered. After Active Listening, sometimes the tantrum will stop right there. But other times it won't...
Particularly in families where the child's needs are rarely considered, if ever, a change in the child's behavior from tantrums to peacefulness will take some time to appear. Active Listening isn't usually an overnight fix. It takes time for the child to get used to the fact that you are actually listening to their needs and considering their feelings. In parent-child relationships which have been power based and the child usually "loses" the battle, trust will need to be rebuilt in order to have a solid foundation for Active Listening to be effective.
With time, skill, and some patience, these outlashes will begin to subside. By showing your children that you aren't going to simply "make them do something because you said so", you are also teaching your children an extremely important lesson in how to deal with conflicts. Raising children in this way will provide our society with the kind of adults who handle the needs and feelings of others in a respectable and effective manner.
For much more on this, check out the Parent Effectiveness Training book or learn about P.E.T. classes near you!
What do you think? Let us know!
May 16, 2012
Do Kids Really Need to be "Toughened Up" for the Real World?
Some parents believe that their children should be treated with the use of punitive power in order to prepare them for the "real world".
This belief leans toward the idea that in the crass adult world, kids need to be "toughened up" in their childhood in order to survive as grown-ups. Those who belong to this school of thought believe that this tough love should be shown in form of punishment and the use of punitive, parental power.
Here's why this theory is amiss:
Let's start with the general idea that parents want their children to grow up to become responsible, capable adults. They raise their children to show them the differences between "right and wrong" and the skills needed to fulfill their basic needs. Growing up, children learn a language for communicating with others, how to use numbers, how to drive, etc. Very few of these children take a course that teaches how to communicate effectively with others in order to get their needs met, especially during times of conflict. They learn how to talk with people and how to problem solve by mimicking what their parents do. After all, "modeling" is the most powerful way to teach anyone, anything.
In a world where most of us grow up with the use of punishment and parental superiority, it's no wonder that the "real world" we are planted in is so tough. Imagine millions of crying, whining adults scolding each other, telling each other what to do, striking out in anger and stepping on the heads of others; all of this in attempt to get some need met. The inadequacy of trying to solve problems this way is monumental.
Let's delve deeper into the mind of a child raised this way. What happens to the human psyche when our needs are met with threats, commands, blame, judgement and name-calling (just to name a few)?
These common reactions to children produce a countless number of side-effects. When a child begins to fear a parent, they are also hearing a threat of getting hurt by someone bigger and stronger than they are. While the power might work to modify the child's behavior for the moment, the child will almost ALWAYS fester resentment, which will trigger hostile responses in the future. Alternatively, this may cause a child to become submissive and fearful.
Parents' use of demanding or ordering their children to do something communicate to the child that the parent does not have faith in the child's own judgement or capability. Patterns like this create reluctance in decision-making and an inability to problem-solve on their own, simply because they haven't been given the chance to practice using their own judgement. The common thought here would be, "I always do it wrong so why try?"
Criticizing and name-calling have some of the worst effects on children. Dr. Thomas Gordon wrote, "A child's self-concept gets shaped by parental judgement and evaluation. As the parent judges the child, so will the child judge himself." Like adults, children will respond with defensiveness even in cases disguised as "constructive criticism." In order to protect their own self image, children can become very hostile in the face of blame, ridicule and disagreement.
Stepping out from behind the microscope, we know how and why punitive parenting causes hostile and apprehensive adults. The failure of many marriages, business partnerships and friendships can be found as a result of "how you were raised" versus "how he/she was raised." It's important to know that the true test of a relationship isn't how many conflicts occur, but rather, how each conflict is handled. Gordon said conflict to be the "true test of a relationship."
When one learns how to deal with their own feelings AND the intense feelings of others, while accomplishing the common goal of each person getting what they need WITHOUT having to compromise, our work here is done.
By now, you might be wondering: "How can I do that?!" Well, ahem, there are half a dozen books that can explain it all! Check out the work of Dr. Thomas Gordon and Linda Adams here.
And as always, let us know what you think.
This belief leans toward the idea that in the crass adult world, kids need to be "toughened up" in their childhood in order to survive as grown-ups. Those who belong to this school of thought believe that this tough love should be shown in form of punishment and the use of punitive, parental power.
Here's why this theory is amiss:
Let's start with the general idea that parents want their children to grow up to become responsible, capable adults. They raise their children to show them the differences between "right and wrong" and the skills needed to fulfill their basic needs. Growing up, children learn a language for communicating with others, how to use numbers, how to drive, etc. Very few of these children take a course that teaches how to communicate effectively with others in order to get their needs met, especially during times of conflict. They learn how to talk with people and how to problem solve by mimicking what their parents do. After all, "modeling" is the most powerful way to teach anyone, anything.
In a world where most of us grow up with the use of punishment and parental superiority, it's no wonder that the "real world" we are planted in is so tough. Imagine millions of crying, whining adults scolding each other, telling each other what to do, striking out in anger and stepping on the heads of others; all of this in attempt to get some need met. The inadequacy of trying to solve problems this way is monumental.
Let's delve deeper into the mind of a child raised this way. What happens to the human psyche when our needs are met with threats, commands, blame, judgement and name-calling (just to name a few)?
These common reactions to children produce a countless number of side-effects. When a child begins to fear a parent, they are also hearing a threat of getting hurt by someone bigger and stronger than they are. While the power might work to modify the child's behavior for the moment, the child will almost ALWAYS fester resentment, which will trigger hostile responses in the future. Alternatively, this may cause a child to become submissive and fearful.
Parents' use of demanding or ordering their children to do something communicate to the child that the parent does not have faith in the child's own judgement or capability. Patterns like this create reluctance in decision-making and an inability to problem-solve on their own, simply because they haven't been given the chance to practice using their own judgement. The common thought here would be, "I always do it wrong so why try?"
Criticizing and name-calling have some of the worst effects on children. Dr. Thomas Gordon wrote, "A child's self-concept gets shaped by parental judgement and evaluation. As the parent judges the child, so will the child judge himself." Like adults, children will respond with defensiveness even in cases disguised as "constructive criticism." In order to protect their own self image, children can become very hostile in the face of blame, ridicule and disagreement.
Stepping out from behind the microscope, we know how and why punitive parenting causes hostile and apprehensive adults. The failure of many marriages, business partnerships and friendships can be found as a result of "how you were raised" versus "how he/she was raised." It's important to know that the true test of a relationship isn't how many conflicts occur, but rather, how each conflict is handled. Gordon said conflict to be the "true test of a relationship."
When one learns how to deal with their own feelings AND the intense feelings of others, while accomplishing the common goal of each person getting what they need WITHOUT having to compromise, our work here is done.
By now, you might be wondering: "How can I do that?!" Well, ahem, there are half a dozen books that can explain it all! Check out the work of Dr. Thomas Gordon and Linda Adams here.
And as always, let us know what you think.
written by: Selena George
May 9, 2012
What's In a Tantrum?
As toddlers everywhere are screaming bloody murder, destructing living rooms, attempting to escape car seats and harassing their siblings, their frazzled parents are on the verge of experiencing meltdowns of their own. After "trying everything," parents still can't seem to put an end to their children's exasperating behaviors. Difficult as it may be, understanding what lies behind these actions is the key to finding the solution that will help bring peace to everyone within earshot.
Dr. Thomas Gordon said that "all behaviors are solutions to human needs." When parents begin to understand and accept this basic principle, things might start to get a bit clearer. If all of our behaviors are expressions or attempts to fulfill an inner need, then what's in a tantrum?
Gordon wrote: "Children don’t misbehave. Their behaviors are simply actions they have chosen to meet these important needs. These principles suggest that all children’s actions are behaviors. Viewed in this way, all day long a child is behaving, and for the very same reason all other creatures engage in behaviors–they are trying to get their needs met.
Think about such behaviors this way: they are behaviors children are engaging in to meet their needs. If at the same time they happen to interfere with your pursuit of pleasure, that doesn’t mean children are misbehaving. Rather, their particular way of behaving is unacceptable to you. Don’t interpret that children are trying to do something to you–they are only trying to do something for themselves. And this does not make them bad children or misbehaving children. But it may cause you a problem.
An infant cries because she is hungry or cold, or in pain. Something is wrong; her organism needs something. Crying behavior is the baby’s way of saying, “Help.” Such behavior, in fact, should be viewed as quite appropriate (“good”), for the crying is apt to bring the child the help that is needed."
When seeing children as a fellow human being who is doing whatever means necessary to get his or her needs met, you might be inclined to find out what the child's need really is. Your child is not throwing a fit in order to frustrate you. On the contrary, your child inherently wants your approval and acceptance. Since children are dependent creatures who rely on external assistance in getting their needs met, denying them of such would simply be cruel.
Could it be that they refuse to wear shoes because they're causing pain? Might they stretch and pry out of their high chair because they want their bottle they see sitting at the other end of the table? Do they hate taking showers because it reminds them of the time that they slipped and fell?
Let them be the ones to tell you. How? Start by Active Listening.
More on Active Listening to very young children can be found in Chapter Five of the P.E.T. Book.
What do you think? Let us know!
Dr. Thomas Gordon said that "all behaviors are solutions to human needs." When parents begin to understand and accept this basic principle, things might start to get a bit clearer. If all of our behaviors are expressions or attempts to fulfill an inner need, then what's in a tantrum?
Gordon wrote: "Children don’t misbehave. Their behaviors are simply actions they have chosen to meet these important needs. These principles suggest that all children’s actions are behaviors. Viewed in this way, all day long a child is behaving, and for the very same reason all other creatures engage in behaviors–they are trying to get their needs met.
This does not mean, however, that parents will like all the behaviors their children engage in. Nor should they be expected to, for the children are bound to do things that sometimes produce unacceptable consequences for their parents. Kids can be loud and destructive, delay you when you’re in a hurry, pester you when you need quiet, cause you extra work, clutter up the home, interrupt your conversation, and break your valuables.
Think about such behaviors this way: they are behaviors children are engaging in to meet their needs. If at the same time they happen to interfere with your pursuit of pleasure, that doesn’t mean children are misbehaving. Rather, their particular way of behaving is unacceptable to you. Don’t interpret that children are trying to do something to you–they are only trying to do something for themselves. And this does not make them bad children or misbehaving children. But it may cause you a problem.
An infant cries because she is hungry or cold, or in pain. Something is wrong; her organism needs something. Crying behavior is the baby’s way of saying, “Help.” Such behavior, in fact, should be viewed as quite appropriate (“good”), for the crying is apt to bring the child the help that is needed."
Could it be that they refuse to wear shoes because they're causing pain? Might they stretch and pry out of their high chair because they want their bottle they see sitting at the other end of the table? Do they hate taking showers because it reminds them of the time that they slipped and fell?
Let them be the ones to tell you. How? Start by Active Listening.
More on Active Listening to very young children can be found in Chapter Five of the P.E.T. Book.
What do you think? Let us know!
Click here to learn more about our once in a lifetime P.E.T. Instructor Training this year.
Apr 18, 2012
Is the PET workshop worth the time and money?
We'll let you decide.
Here's what a few recent P.E.T. graduates have said about it:
Here's what a few recent P.E.T. graduates have said about it:
"I loved the course. Meike's presentation of the material made it easy to understand and apply immediately. I couldn't imagine parenting without it. I have so many wonderful changes in myself and in my two toddlers that I can't begin to list them all. I am very grateful to have found the course and completed it."
"Excellent instructor. Very enthusiastic, professional, compassionate, practical and knowledgeable!"
"Before the course my husband and I were thinking about parent counseling to resolve so many issues. We even considered separating, but this course is helping us to communicate better, not only with our child, but with each other."
"Love it! It's working. My daughter is happier and communicating her needs more. My listening skills are better. I notice quite a few changes particularly that I am a better communicator. I'm expressing my feelings and needs more effectively."
"This course gave me so many more tools and ideas to positively express myself and resolve conflicts in a pleasant way"
- from graduates of P.E.T. Instructor, Meike Lemmens: http://www.parentingclassesoc.com/
To sign up for one of Meike's P.E.T. workshops (in the Los Angeles, CA area), please send an email to family@gordontraining.com for more information.
Apr 2, 2012
Answer to Last Week's Parenting Question: Safety
Greetings all,
Here is the question we chose to answer from last week's invite to ask us a parenting question:
While reading P.E.T. I had many a-hah moments more so when I remembered going on L.E.T. years earlier. But I'm still frustrated in implementing some of this with low verbal toddlers. I'm working on it though, making mistakes but still trying. Any extra information would be appreciated even better if it helps me deal with twin toddlers with different base personalities (which is a good thing) and different levels of verbal abilities.
My specific question revolves around those things that are direct safety issues. No, they don't "have" to hold my hand while crossing a road but they can't dash across the street on their own. Yes, they can fill and turn on the kettle but they can't play in the water that comes out of it (no matter how much they scream). How do I get across that something is dangerous without demonstrating the consequences (fire burns, sharp knives poked into your brother will cut him etc). I want them to question things but there really are some things around safety where mommy does know best.
Dear Selmada,
Thank you for submitting your question here on the P.E.T. blog. It's cool to hear that you've taken L.E.T. as well! It sounds like L.E.T. gave you a good foundation before reading the P.E.T. book.
First, your question about toddlers with different speech levels and personalities is relevant to two things: (1) the behavior window and (2) using I-Messages with young children.
You might notice your level of acceptance change between both of the children. Each child is an individual as well, and just as our acceptance levels change from person to person, so do they with our own children. More on this is outlines in Chapter One of the P.E.T. book.
As for using the skills with very young children, you will learn that there are ways of listening to AND talking to kids this young by using nonverbal messages and the like. As Thomas Gordon wrote in the P.E.T. book, "It is a misperception that Active Listening is useful only for children old enough to talk." By showing or "acting it out" instead of using speech, you can help determine what your child needs or what he might be saying to you. More on this is in Chapter Five of the P.E.T. book.
Lastly, you sound confused about how to use P.E.T. with safety issues. It wounds silly to send your children an I-Message right before they are about to seriously injure themselves. Here is the only exception to using your parental power to interfere before your child gets hurt. When safety is a concern, do whatever means necessary to get them out of danger. You might want to preface these things by using Preventive I-Messages (before an incident occurs), Confrontive I-Messages (during or after an incident), or even by modifying the environment to prevent any accidents from occurring. Of course, there is much more on this throughout the P.E.T. book.
I hope this helps answer your questions and please feel free to follow up. :)
(P.S. Please email us to give your shipping information for your free book and sticker: info@gordontraining.com.)
Here is the question we chose to answer from last week's invite to ask us a parenting question:
While reading P.E.T. I had many a-hah moments more so when I remembered going on L.E.T. years earlier. But I'm still frustrated in implementing some of this with low verbal toddlers. I'm working on it though, making mistakes but still trying. Any extra information would be appreciated even better if it helps me deal with twin toddlers with different base personalities (which is a good thing) and different levels of verbal abilities.
My specific question revolves around those things that are direct safety issues. No, they don't "have" to hold my hand while crossing a road but they can't dash across the street on their own. Yes, they can fill and turn on the kettle but they can't play in the water that comes out of it (no matter how much they scream). How do I get across that something is dangerous without demonstrating the consequences (fire burns, sharp knives poked into your brother will cut him etc). I want them to question things but there really are some things around safety where mommy does know best.
Dear Selmada,
Thank you for submitting your question here on the P.E.T. blog. It's cool to hear that you've taken L.E.T. as well! It sounds like L.E.T. gave you a good foundation before reading the P.E.T. book.
First, your question about toddlers with different speech levels and personalities is relevant to two things: (1) the behavior window and (2) using I-Messages with young children.
You might notice your level of acceptance change between both of the children. Each child is an individual as well, and just as our acceptance levels change from person to person, so do they with our own children. More on this is outlines in Chapter One of the P.E.T. book.
As for using the skills with very young children, you will learn that there are ways of listening to AND talking to kids this young by using nonverbal messages and the like. As Thomas Gordon wrote in the P.E.T. book, "It is a misperception that Active Listening is useful only for children old enough to talk." By showing or "acting it out" instead of using speech, you can help determine what your child needs or what he might be saying to you. More on this is in Chapter Five of the P.E.T. book.
Lastly, you sound confused about how to use P.E.T. with safety issues. It wounds silly to send your children an I-Message right before they are about to seriously injure themselves. Here is the only exception to using your parental power to interfere before your child gets hurt. When safety is a concern, do whatever means necessary to get them out of danger. You might want to preface these things by using Preventive I-Messages (before an incident occurs), Confrontive I-Messages (during or after an incident), or even by modifying the environment to prevent any accidents from occurring. Of course, there is much more on this throughout the P.E.T. book.
I hope this helps answer your questions and please feel free to follow up. :)
(P.S. Please email us to give your shipping information for your free book and sticker: info@gordontraining.com.)
Feb 22, 2012
What Do You Say to Get Through to Your Teenager?
Through each passing generation, there remain only a few socio-cultural constants that repeat themselves through the decades. Rebellious, overconfident and stubborn teenagers are one group that has stood the test of time. We've figured out ways to video-conference from around the globe, send 3-D images from deep space back to Earth and even locate our own global position from the screens of our handy cellphones. Yet it seems we haven't come a lick closer to shrinking the defiant teenager epidemic.
In a recent conversation with a friend, I realized that I'd personally heard his exact questions asked by parents over and over throughout the years...
Wrong.
The fault lies within the question itself when parents and family members ask: what can I say to them? (Keyword: say)
Without a crucial first step, we may never get to have influence on teenagers. We may talk and lecture until we're blue in the face, but it's high time we start listening to what's really going on inside the hearts and minds of our budding young generation.
Active Listening has proven to be the most effective way to begin a conversation surrounding the conflict at hand. Ordering, advising and sympathizing might be some of our knee-jerk reactions in responding to our teenagers. But let's face it, they don't like to be told what to do just as much as we don't. Asking more questions about the details of their problem only alludes to your segue in finding them the "right answer" for their given problem.
When others feel truly understood, they can begin to move towards a solution to meet their needs. Understanding teenagers on the deepest level can be done shockingly well through active listening. It is then that we can uncover what their own hidden needs are that are navigating their behaviors.
What do you think? Let me know! Please share and comment below.
For more on Active Listening and to learn how to practice this skill effectively, please see this article: http://www.gordontraining.com/wp-content/uploads/ActiveListening_RogersFarson.pdf
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by: Selena Cruz George, Program Manager
In a recent conversation with a friend, I realized that I'd personally heard his exact questions asked by parents over and over throughout the years...
"But what do I need to say to get through to him?"
"How can I reach him so that he realizes the consequences that this could have on him later in life?
"What do I say to make him care?"Most people think they have an answer for this. How about talking to the kids in their "lingo", try to have a close family friend of mentor talk to them instead of mom and dad, or explain to them the worst-case scenario to make them scared? Surely, these ways would work right?
Wrong.
The fault lies within the question itself when parents and family members ask: what can I say to them? (Keyword: say)
Without a crucial first step, we may never get to have influence on teenagers. We may talk and lecture until we're blue in the face, but it's high time we start listening to what's really going on inside the hearts and minds of our budding young generation.
Active Listening has proven to be the most effective way to begin a conversation surrounding the conflict at hand. Ordering, advising and sympathizing might be some of our knee-jerk reactions in responding to our teenagers. But let's face it, they don't like to be told what to do just as much as we don't. Asking more questions about the details of their problem only alludes to your segue in finding them the "right answer" for their given problem.
When others feel truly understood, they can begin to move towards a solution to meet their needs. Understanding teenagers on the deepest level can be done shockingly well through active listening. It is then that we can uncover what their own hidden needs are that are navigating their behaviors.
For example,
- They don't want to seem like a "loser" at school by wearing old clothes
- They are tired of not being "allowed" to make their own decisions
After which, teens might begin to re-steer the direction of their choices. In some cases after active listening has been done, a new, more trusting relationship is built. This trust sets the scene that can move you into an advisory/teaching position. But be careful, teaching and advising only gives the facts, not our opinions. Under these circumstances are we truly able to have a real and lasting influence on our teenagers.
- They are going through something heavy at home, and make drastic attempts to get attention at in other areas
What do you think? Let me know! Please share and comment below.
For more on Active Listening and to learn how to practice this skill effectively, please see this article: http://www.gordontraining.com/wp-content/uploads/ActiveListening_RogersFarson.pdf
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by: Selena Cruz George, Program Manager
Oct 6, 2011
One Skill to Help Get You Through Any Problem With Your Children
Before Parent Effectiveness Training or P.E.T., handling a problem with your child or teen usually means one of two things: either you punish them or you let them "get away with it." We were all raised to believe that these are our only options. The world we live in still tells us that these are our only two choices when it comes to handling children.
When problems arise, it can be our initial instinct to solve the issue in the fastest way possible. While many parents are quite skilled in the speediness of their dealing with heated conflicts, the effectiveness of their solution leaves much to be questioned.
Instead of coming up with the quickest way to still troubled waters, try instead to listen for what the true need is. Active Listening is an incredibly powerful and effective communication skill that can change the way that we deal with our problems and the problems of others. Over time, practice and skill, the psychology behind Active Listening builds bonds that are closer, more trusting and more loving.
As every human is entitled to get their basic needs met, so are all children. While your 8-year-old might be throwing her entire box of toys around the room, she very likely might be in need of some love and attention. Although this behavior is not acceptable by most, parents should realize that her need here is not to throw things around the room. Her need is a deeper, emotional one.
When needs are uncovered with Active Listening, problem solving goes much smoother and results last much longer.
For more on Active Listening, please visit our article here: http://www.gordontraining.com/wp-content/uploads/ActiveListening_RogersFarson.pdf
by: Selena Cruz George, Program Manager
Apr 12, 2011
Learning Stages and Your P.E.T. Skills
Learning any new skill takes time and practice. P.E.T. is no different from learning a new sport, language or work procedure.
P.E.T. teaches skills and concepts that are foreign to most people. Each person has a feeling about which "stage" of learning you are in. These are the four basic stages that participants find themselves in during and after going through the P.E.T. course, reading the P.E.T. Book or completing the F.E.T. Program.
Stage 1: Unconsciously Skilled:
You don't know what you don't know. You interact with your children and others in your relationship network unconscious of the fact that there are P.E.T. alternatives to your usual ways of communicating and solving problems.
Stage 2: Consciously Unskilled:
You know what you don't know (and can't do). Sometimes there are feelings of guilt as parents understand the negative effects of their non-P.E..T. behaviors on their children. The desire to learn and use P.E.T. skills grows.
As you start using your new skills, parents can feel extremely awkward and even phony. At this stage, not only does it seem phony to the parent, but also to the child or other person who is the recipient of their efforts. Using your new skills may sometimes elicit comments like "What's wrong with you?" "You don't usually talk like that!" "Don't try to be my shrink!"
Stage 3: Consciously Skilled:
At this stage in your skill development, parents are conscious about what they are doing. They make clear decisions about when and how to Active Listen and send I-Messages. Even though you are consciously using the skills, in most situations they come across as natural to the child or recipient.
Stage 4: Unconsciously Skilled:
At this stage, using the P.E.T. skills is done with little or no thought - the skills are not turned on and off depending on the situation. Active Listening and I-Messages have become the normal way the parent communicates. This stage is equivalent to Mastery Level learning in education.
However, even when this level has been reached by an individual, there are still times and circumstances, such as extreme stress or difficult conflicts, when you revert to consciously thinking about how and when to use the P.E.T. skills.
Being unconsciously skilled also does not mean that a person has "arrived" and has no more room for improvement. Ongoing refinement and mastery of the P.E.T. philosophy and skills continue on as a part of a person's life-long learning process.
So what stage are you in? As always, questions and comments are encouraged! Feel free to post a comment or question here on the blog or email family@gordontraining.com.
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Posted by Selena Cruz George, P.E.T. Program Manager
Mar 30, 2011
14 Benefits of Active Listening
Here is a list of some of the main benefits of using Active Listening:
- Is it your check on the accuracy of your listening
- It shows the sender that you are interested in him or her
- It proves to the sender that not only have you heard, you have understood
- It tells the sender you can accept him/her as a troubled person NOTE: The keyword here is accept (i.e., the sender's behaviors are in the top of the Behavior Window), not agree with. You can accept his/her having a feeling you might not have or a thought you don't agree with.
- It gives the sender a chance to ventilate, to feel relieved, to have catharsis. When feelings are expressed and accepted, they lose their grip on the person and become less disabling. when held in, feelings tend to remain strong and fester (as opposed to a popular fear that is one listens to and accepts another's feelings, those feelings will get out of hand).
- Active Listening fosters others doing their own problem definition and problem solving. It keeps the responsibility with the sender, yet the listener remains involved. The sender holds onto the ball.
- It relieves "emotional flooding" and frees the intellect to get back to work.
- It fosters the sender moving from a superficial to the deeper, more basic problem.
- It avoids fastening onto and "solving" the "presenting problem".
- It helps the sender deal with feelings, not just the facts.
- Active listening frequently fosters the sender's insights - new ways of seeing things, new attitudes, new behaviors, new understanding of self.
- It fosters the sender being more open and honest with you - more willing to use you as a helping agent.
- It promotes a more intimate and warm relationship. The sender feels warm and positive toward the listener. The listener better understands the sender and feels more positive toward him or her.
- It helps the sender grow toward being an internal problem solver, toward being less dependent on others for solutions, toward being more self-responsible, more self-directing; master of his or her own fate or destiny.
Nov 18, 2010
Are There Active Listening Guidelines?
Active Listening Guidelines
Know when to use Active Listening. Use it only when you're free enough of your problems to feel accepting and want to help other people with their problems.
Know when not to use Active Listening. It won't work when you're feeling unaccepting of the other person - when you own the problem. Nor will it work to influence them to change some behavior you don't accept.
Avoid pushing or imposing your Active Listening on the other person. Listen for clues that the other doesn't want to talk or has finished talking.
Use the other listening skills: silence, acknowledgment responses, and door openers. Every response of the other person does not need feedback. Use Active Listening primarily when feelings are strong and the other person's need to be heard is apparent.
When the other person needs information, give it. Just make sure you first know what the real problem is, and be sure your information is wanted by the other person. Give your information briefly and effectively. And, of course be prepared to have your ideas rejected - they might not be appropriate or helpful.
Don't expect the other person to arrive at your preferred solution. Remember, Active Listening is for helping other people resolve their problems - a tool for helping them find their own solutions. Be prepared for times when no solution surfaces - the other person might not even tell you how they later solved the problem. They will know, but you won't.
Don't give up too quickly. It takes time for other people to realize you really do want to understand and that you are accepting of their problems and feelings.
Competence comes only with practice. You won't become competent at Active Listening without lots of practice. Practice with your spouse/friends/children.
Accept that Active Listening at first will feel artificial. It undoubtedly feels more gimmicky to you than to the other person. With practice, you'll feel more natural and less clumsy.*
*Excerpt Dr. Thomas Gordon's programs
Nov 17, 2010
The Six Steps of the No-Lose Method
The following describes the six steps of the No-Lose Method:
Setting the Stage
Before using the No-Lose Method, the people involved need to understand the method and commit to using it to resolve the conflict.
Step 1: Defining the Problem
This is the most important step. Each person needs to state their problem in a way that doesn't blame or judge the other person. I-Messages are the most effective way to do this.
When the other person states his/her problem you need to Active Listen to make sure you understand the other's needs.
Take enough time to get the problem defined as needs rather than solutions so that both agree on the problem to be solved.
Step 2: Brainstorm Solutions
In this creative part of conflict resolution, both people think of as many ideas and possible solutions as they can. There's no evaluation of solutions in this step. Agree to that!
Step 3: Evaluate Solutions
Now both people think about which solutions might work and which won't. Cross of solutions that won't work for one or both people. Test out the possible solutions by asking. "Any reason it might not work?"
Step 4: Choose a Solution
Both people agree on a solution or combination of solutions. Someone needs to state the solutions to make sure both agree. Don't try to push a solution--both need to freely choose.
Step 5: Plan for and Take Action
In this step, you both decide Who does What by When to carry out the agreed-on solution. It's best to trust that both will do what they agreed instead of talking about what will happen if they don't.
Step 6: Check Results
Both need to agree to check back at a later time to make sure the solution worked/is working for both people.*
*Excerpt from Dr. Thomas Gordon's F.E.T. Young Adult Resource Book
Oct 20, 2010
Have A Values Collision?
Values Collisions
When you have a values collision, the first step is to understand the real differences between you and the other person. Active Listening is the best tool for doing this.
The next step requires you to make a choice. Can you accept the differences and let things be, or do you really feel it important to try to change the other person?
Can you reconsider your values and perhaps move closer to the other person's? Can you decide to accept the differences between you as they are and stop colliding?
If you decide to change the other person, you must consider the risk to the relationship. Is it worth it to try to change my friend? Will it hurt our friendship?
If changing the other is really important to you, start by attempting to change the specific behavior of the other that is upsetting for you.
I-Messages or No-Lose Problem Solving are the skills to use to change another's behavior that is upsetting you.
And finally, even if you've succeeded in changing the other's actions, you may still want to influence the other to change his/her value.
If you feel very strongly that the person would be much "better off" or "happier" if your values were adopted, there are two new skills you can learn to influence (but not control) the other to change.
- MODELING: setting a personal example for the other; acting out, really living the values that you believe in; over a period of time your values may be adopted by the other person.
- CONSULTING: influencing or persuading the other by pointing out the advantages of your values; to be effective, your consultation must be welcomed and preferably invited by the other person.*
*Excerpt from Dr. Thomas Gordon's F.E.T. Young Adult Resource Book
Oct 5, 2010
How to Conduct a Family Rule-Setting Meeting
Objective: To arrive at a mutually acceptable rule or decision on an important family issue or situation.
Set the Stage
_________________________________________________
- Agree on a time when everyone who will be directly affected by the rule or decision can be present. (Involve only those affected).
- At the appointed time, sit in a circle (around a table) so that all can see each other. Have the "Family Rule-Setting Guide" or paper and pen available.
- Start by making sure that everyone understands the objective of this meeting. A parent might start off with something like: "I've called this meeting so that all of us will have a chance to decide on some rules we need about ________________ so that everyone has the best chance of feeling comfortable and happy with the arrangement. I want for all of us to work on ________________ together so we're all satisfied with the solution (or decision)."
- Make sure that all members understand Method III:
- Parent will not use power on kids.
- Parent will not let kids use power on parent.
- Everyone must be satisfied with the solution.
- This is not a subtle way to get kids to agree to the parent's rules.
Tasks of the Group
__________________________________________________
- State the family situation/s you want to deal with or build an agenda for the meeting,i.e., what situation/s needing rules or decisions will be discussed in which everyone contributes their needs regarding family issues or situations.
- Next, post or mention the six steps of the problem-solving process.
a. Define the problem by developing needs, facts and feelings surrounding the item.
b. Brainstorm as many ideas about it as possible without evaluating them; have a family member simply record them.
c. Then, evaluate and test the proposed ideas or solutions for reality, appropriateness, acceptability, etc.
d. Decide which ideas or solutions are to be adopted.
e. Record the decision in term of WHO does WHAT by WHEN.
f. Later, check to see if rule or solution worked. (This usually happens automatically. Reconvene the group if it turns out the rule does not meet the members' needs well enough (bad rule, not bad people).
Parent's Role
____________________________________________________
- Sees that tasks are accomplished, problems solved.
- Uses Active Listening to handle inevitable feelings that will arise as well as to clarify the meaning of other member's inputs when necessary.
- Uses I-Messages to express his/her own needs and feelings. Avoids You-Messages and Roadblocks.
- Leads the group through the Six Steps of Problem-Solving.
- Keeps the group on track by handling free associations or new problems by noting "That's another issue," and if applicable, adding it to the agenda for later consideration.
- Avoids voting; facilitates consensus by use of communication and problem-solving skills. When it seems consensus has been reached, tests for it by stating the apparently favored decision and asking "Any objections?"
- Is active, "hangs in there" for his/her own needs, respects other family members' needs, remains sensitive (Active Listens) to resistance and possible hidden resistance.*
*Excerpt from Dr. Thomas Gordon's F.E.T. Adult Resource Book
Sep 28, 2010
Have You Checked the Results?
Step 6: CHECKING THE RESULTS
It's not always the case that all solutions from Method III conflict resolution turn out that way. Sometimes you or the other will discover weaknesses in the solution that will require modification or rejection for a better solution.
It is important to seek out the other's feelings about the solutions as well as to keep in touch with your feelings about the conflict resolution results.
Both of you should have an understanding that decisions are always open for mutually acceptable revisions.
Sometimes those new to Method III will discover that they have overcommitted themselves--in their enthusiasm they agreed to do too much or the impossible. Be sure to keep the door open for revision if this happens.
Remember:
Your best tools for effective No-Lose Conflict Resolution will always be:
- Active Listening
- Clear and Honest Sending of Your Needs with Non-Blameful I-Messages
- Trust and Respect for the Needs of the Other
- Openness to Changing Facts and Feelings
- An Unwillingness to Let Method III Fail
- Entering Method III Without Fixed Solutions
- Refusal to Revert to Method I or II*
*Excerpt from Dr. Thomas Gordon's F.E.T. Adult Resource Book
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