Silence Speaks Volumes

By Linda Adams, President of GTI

Silence can mean many things in interpersonal relationships. It's ambiguous. It can express lots of different emotions ranging from joy, happiness, grief, embarrassment to anger, denial, fear, withdrawal of acceptance or love. What it means depends on the context.

When Silence is Golden

Silence can be a very powerful way to "be" with another person, especially when they are troubled. It can communicate acceptance of the other person as they are as of a given moment, and particularly when they have strong feelings like sorrow, fear or anger.

This kind of silence means being willing and able to give the other person your full attention. This includes appropriate eye contact, and gestures like nodding, leaning forward, smiling, frowning, and other facial expressions which let the other person know you really hear them.

Being quiet and not saying anything gives them the space and uninterrupted time to talk about whatever is on their mind. When another person has a decision to make, a problem to solve or simply a need to express themselves, silence can often provide the opportunity for them to have time to talk, reflect and decide without outside pressure.

This is not the same as the "bite your tongue" kind of silence when you want very much to jump in and offer advice or reassurance, ask questions or give your opinion, but you restrain yourself. That kind of silence is full of judgment and indicates that you aren't really listening to them, but instead are focused on your own reactions about what they're saying.

It is essential that the silence be experienced as accepting; people pick up on judgments and evaluation (negative or positive) even when they're communicated silently. If you don't accept the other person as they are, that will most likely be quite apparent to them. And they will be less likely to share their feelings and problems with you at other times.

It goes without saying that silence as a helping skill has a limitation--while it can help others get started talking and help them feel accepted, it doesn't prove that the listener has understood. For that, you'll need Active Listening.

When You Silence Yourself

"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter."
Martin Luther King, Jr.

Sometimes we need to speak up and don't do it.

Too frequently, we silence ourselves when we have feelings we think or feel sure the other person won't want to hear. We often do this because we value the relationship and are afraid that it will worsen or even end if we say how we really feel. Ironically, without honest and open dialogue, there is no possibility of a deeper and better relationship. Silencing yourself contributes to the very thing you want to avoid. Further, if it's anger, resentment or another strong negative feeling that you have, keeping silent doesn't make that feeling dissipate. Just the opposite happens--the unspoken problem remains, distancing occurs and the relationship suffers as a result.

At other times, you feel hurt, angry or upset by something another person says or does. Because letting them know how you feel makes you vulnerable, you decide to keep those feelings inside and withhold them from the other person. Sulking, pouting, pursed lips, not answering, abrupt answers, ignoring the other person, giving them the "cold shoulder" are signs of this kind of silence, otherwise known as "the silent treatment." Invariably, the silent treatment is hurtful to everyone involved. Even so, many of us have a tendency to withdraw and withhold when we're in emotional pain, especially from the person we perceive is causing it.

The alternative to the silent treatment doesn't have to be lashing out in anger at the other person. That just causes the problem to escalate and become an even bigger issue than it started out to be. A far better approach is to be willing and able to talk to them honestly about how you feel and why--without blame. For example, let's say your spouse/partner forgot your anniversary (or birthday) which was very hurtful to you. Instead of giving them the silent treatment or lashing out at them, a better alternative would be to say: "I'm so hurt that you didn't remember our anniversary." Or that your boss didn't give you a promotion you thought was a "done deal". Instead of saying nothing and suffering in silence (and resentment), say "I feel very confused and disappointed that I didn't get the promotion that I expected and I'd like to talk with you about it."

When we drop our pretenses and defenses and are authentic in our significant relationships, we experience relief, heightened self-worth and a deeper sense of meaning. It is one of the joys of existence.

Are There Active Listening Guidelines?

Active Listening Guidelines

Know when to use Active Listening. Use it only when you're free enough of your problems to feel accepting and want to help other people with their problems.

Know when not to use Active Listening. It won't work when you're feeling unaccepting of the other person - when you own the problem. Nor will it work to influence them to change some behavior you don't accept.

Avoid pushing or imposing your Active Listening on the other person. Listen for clues that the other doesn't want to talk or has finished talking.

Use the other listening skills: silence, acknowledgment responses, and door openers. Every response of the other person does not need feedback. Use Active Listening primarily when feelings are strong and the other person's need to be heard is apparent.

When the other person needs information, give it. Just make sure you first know what the real problem is, and be sure your information is wanted by the other person. Give your information briefly and effectively. And, of course be prepared to have your ideas rejected - they might not be appropriate or helpful.

Don't expect the other person to arrive at your preferred solution. Remember, Active Listening is for helping other people resolve their problems - a tool for helping them find their own solutions. Be prepared for times when no solution surfaces - the other person might not even tell you how they later solved the problem. They will know, but you won't.

Don't give up too quickly. It takes time for other people to realize you really do want to understand and that you are accepting of their problems and feelings.

Competence comes only with practice. You won't become competent at Active Listening without lots of practice. Practice with your spouse/friends/children.

Accept that Active Listening at first will feel artificial. It undoubtedly feels more gimmicky to you than to the other person. With practice, you'll feel more natural and less clumsy.*

*Excerpt Dr. Thomas Gordon's programs

The Six Steps of the No-Lose Method

The following describes the six steps of the No-Lose Method:

Setting the Stage

Before using the No-Lose Method, the people involved need to understand the method and commit to using it to resolve the conflict.

Step 1: Defining the Problem

This is the most important step. Each person needs to state their problem in a way that doesn't blame or judge the other person. I-Messages are the most effective way to do this.

When the other person states his/her problem you need to Active Listen to make sure you understand the other's needs.

Take enough time to get the problem defined as needs rather than solutions so that both agree on the problem to be solved.

Step 2: Brainstorm Solutions

In this creative part of conflict resolution, both people think of as many ideas and possible solutions as they can. There's no evaluation of solutions in this step. Agree to that!

Step 3: Evaluate Solutions

Now both people think about which solutions might work and which won't. Cross of solutions that won't work for one or both people. Test out the possible solutions by asking. "Any reason it might not work?"

Step 4: Choose a Solution

Both people agree on a solution or combination of solutions. Someone needs to state the solutions to make sure both agree. Don't try to push a solution--both need to freely choose.

Step 5: Plan for and Take Action

In this step, you both decide Who does What by When to carry out the agreed-on solution. It's best to trust that both will do what they agreed instead of talking about what will happen if they don't.

Step 6: Check Results

Both need to agree to check back at a later time to make sure the solution worked/is working for both people.*

*Excerpt from Dr. Thomas Gordon's F.E.T. Young Adult Resource Book

How to Conduct a Family Rule-Setting Meeting

Objective: To arrive at a mutually acceptable rule or decision on an important family issue or situation.

Set the Stage

_________________________________________________

1. Agree on a time when everyone who will be directly affected by the rule or decision can be present. (Involve only those affected).
2. At the appointed time, sit in a circle (around a table) so that all can see each other. Have the "Family Rule-Setting Guide" or paper and pen available.
3. Start by making sure that everyone understands the objective of this meeting. A parent might start off with something like: "I've called this meeting so that all of us will have a chance to decide on some rules we need about ________________ so that everyone has the best chance of feeling comfortable and happy with the arrangement. I want for all of us to work on ________________ together so we're all satisfied with the solution (or decision)."
4. Make sure that all members understand Method III:

• Parent will not use power on kids.
• Parent will not let kids use power on parent.
• Everyone must be satisfied with the solution.
• This is not a subtle way to get kids to agree to the parent's rules.

Tasks of the Group

__________________________________________________

1. State the family situation/s you want to deal with or build an agenda for the meeting,i.e., what situation/s needing rules or decisions will be discussed in which everyone contributes their needs regarding family issues or situations.
2. Next, post or mention the six steps of the problem-solving process.

a. Define the problem by developing needs, facts and feelings surrounding the item.

b. Brainstorm as many ideas about it as possible without evaluating them; have a family member simply record them.

c. Then, evaluate and test the proposed ideas or solutions for reality, appropriateness, acceptability, etc.

d. Decide which ideas or solutions are to be adopted.

e. Record the decision in term of WHO does WHAT by WHEN.

f. Later, check to see if rule or solution worked. (This usually happens automatically. Reconvene the group if it turns out the rule does not meet the members' needs well enough (bad rule, not bad people).

Parent's Role

____________________________________________________

1. Sees that tasks are accomplished, problems solved.
2. Uses Active Listening to handle inevitable feelings that will arise as well as to clarify the meaning of other member's inputs when necessary.
3. Uses I-Messages to express his/her own needs and feelings. Avoids You-Messages and Roadblocks.
4. Leads the group through the Six Steps of Problem-Solving.
5. Keeps the group on track by handling free associations or new problems by noting "That's another issue," and if applicable, adding it to the agenda for later consideration.
6. Avoids voting; facilitates consensus by use of communication and problem-solving skills. When it seems consensus has been reached, tests for it by stating the apparently favored decision and asking "Any objections?"
7. Is active, "hangs in there" for his/her own needs, respects other family members' needs, remains sensitive (Active Listens) to resistance and possible hidden resistance.*

*Excerpt from Dr. Thomas Gordon's F.E.T. Adult Resource Book

Active Listening

Active Listening

Many people think that they can get rid of their feelings by suppressing them, forgetting them, or thinking about something else. Actually, people free themselves of trouble-some feelings when they are encouraged to express them openly. Active Listening fosters this kind of catharsis.

Just like in this Baby Blues comic, the daughter is expressing to her father that she wishes her hair were like her friends (Wren’s), but as she continues to explain what kind of hair she wishes to have, her Dad “Active Listens” and feeds back to her that his daughter wishes she had the hair she already has. Which then she exclaims, “Yeah…Exactly!”

It helps children to find out exactly what they are feeling. After they express their feelings, the feelings often seem to disappear almost like magic.

Active Listening helps children become less afraid of negative feelings. “Feelings are friendly” is an expression we use in our classes to help parents come to realize feelings are not “bad.” When a parent shows by Active Listening that he accepts a child’s feelings, the child is also helped to accept them. He learns from the parent’s response that feelings are friendly.

Active Listening promotes a relationship of warmth between parent and child. The experience of being heard and understood by another person is so satisfying that it invariably makes the sender feel warm toward the listener. Children, particularly, respond with loving ideas and feelings. Similar feelings are evoked within the listener—he begins to feel warmer and closer to the sender. When one listens empathically and accurately to another, he gets to understand that person, to appreciate his way of looking at the world—in a sense, he becomes that person during the period of putting himself in his shoes. Invariably, by allowing oneself to “get inside” the other person, one produces feelings of closeness, caring and love. To empathize with another is to see him as a separate person, yet be willing to join with him for a brief period in his journey through life. Such an act involves deep caring and love. Parent who learn empathic Active Listening discover a new kind of appreciation and respect, a deeper feeling of caring; in turn, the child responds to the parent with similar feelings.

Active Listening facilitates problem-solving by the child. We know that people do a better job of thinking a problem through and toward a solution when they can “talk it out” as opposed to merely thinking about it. Because Active Listening is so effective in facilitating talking, it helps a person in his search for solutions to his problems. Everybody had heard such expressions as “let me use you as a sounding board” or “I’d like to kick this problem around with you” or “maybe it would help me to talk it out with you.”

Active Listening influences the child to be more willing to listen to the parents’ thoughts and ideas. It is a universal experience that when someone will listen to one’s own point of view, it is then easier to listen to his. Children are more likely to open themselves up to receive their parents’ messages if their parents first hear them out. When parents complain that their kids don’t listen to them, it’s a good bet that the parents are not doing an effective job of listening to the kids.

Active Listening “keeps the ball with the child.” When parent respond to their kids’ problems b Active Listening, they will observe how often kids start thinking for themselves. A child will start to analyze his problem on his own, eventually arriving at some constructive solutions. Active Listening conveys trust, while messages of advice, logic, instruction, and the like convey distrust by taking over the problem-solving responsibility from the child. Active Listening is therefore one of the most effective ways of helping a child become more self-directing, self-responsible, and independent.*

*Active Listening excerpt from Dr. Thomas Gordon's P.E.T. Book

Have You Blocked Communication by Using a Roadblock?

The 12 Roadblocks

When other people have problems, you may want to give "good" advice, ask key questions, reassure them that "everything will be okay," take sides, warn them, or judge them.

However, as these 12 Roadblocks or barriers indicate, these common attempts to help often do more harm than good. They take "ownership of the problem" away from the other person. They usually make people defensive. They block communication and they block people from doing their own problem solving.

1. Ordering, Directing: Telling the other person what to do.

Examples: "Don't worry about it.", "Stop it!"

2. Warning, Threatening: Telling the other person what will happen if s/he does something.

Examples: "If you don't start studying, you're going to fail.", "If you keep acting like this, you're just going to be in more trouble."

3. Preaching, Moralizing: Telling the other person what s/he should do.

Examples: "You shouldn't talk like that about him.", "You shouldn't feel that way."

4. Advising, Giving Solutions: Telling the other person how to solve his/her problem.

Examples: "If I were you I would just forget about it. It's no big deal.", "If that happens again, why don't you tell someone?"

5. Arguing, Persuading with Logic: Trying to influence the other person with facts, logic or your opinions.

Examples: "The fact is, most parents are like that.", "The logical thing to do would be to just ignore him."

6. Judging, Criticizing: Making negative judgments or evaluations of the other person.

Examples: "You're just being stubborn.", "If you weren't so touchy, you wouldn't get so upset when someone says something about you."

7. Praising, Agreeing: Offering a positive judgment about the other person.

Examples: "You guys have always been good friends.", "I'm sure you can work this out. You're so good at that."

8. Name-Calling, Labeling: Making the other person feel foolish, stereotyping or categorizing him.

Examples: "You're acting like a baby.", "You act so lame sometimes."

9. Interpreting, Analyzing: Telling the other person why s/he's acting this way, analyzing why s/he's saying or doing something.

Examples: "You're saying that just to get attention.", "You're just tired."

10. Reassuring, Sympathizing: Trying to make the other person feel better, talking him/her out of his/her feelings.

Examples: "Don't feel bad, it'll be okay.", "By Friday, you'll forget all about it."

11. Questioning, Probing: Trying to find reasons, motives or causes; searching for more information information to help you solve the problem.

Examples: "How long have you been this mad at her?", "Why didn't you do something about this before now?"

12. Distracting, Humoring: Trying to get the other person away from the problem, pushing the problem aside, kidding him/her out of his/her feelings.

Examples: "Well, it's a good thing the President doesn't have problems as serious as yours.", "Let's talk about something else."*

*Excerpt from Dr. Thomas Gordon's F.E.T. Young Adult Resource book

Active Listening Benefits

Active Listening Benefits

Here is a list of some of the main benefits of using Active Listening.

1. It is your check on the accuracy of your listening.

2. It shows the sender that you are interested in him/her.

3. It proves to the sender that not only have you heard, you have understood.

4. It tells the sender you can accept him/her as a troubled person.

NOTE: The key word is accept (i.e., the sender's behaviors are in the top of the Behavior Window), not agree with. You can accept his/her having a feeling you might not have or a thought you don't agree with.

5. It gives the sender a chance to ventilate, to feel relieved, to have catharsis. When feelings are expressed and accepted, they lose their grip on the person and become less disabling. When held in, feelings tend to remain strong and fester (as opposed to a popular fear that if one listens to and accepts another's feelings, those feelings will get out of hand).

6. Active Listening fosters others doing their own problem definition and problem solving. It keeps the responsibility with the sender, yet the listener remains involved. The sender holds onto the ball.

7. It relieves "emotional flooding" and frees the intellect to get back to work.

8. It fosters the sender moving from superficial to the deeper, more basic problem.

9. It avoids fastening onto and "solving" the "presenting problem".

10. It helps the sender deal with feelings, not just the facts.

11. Active Listening frequently fosters the sender's insights--new ways of seeing things, new attitudes, new behaviors, new understanding of self.

12. It fosters the sender being more open and honest with you--more willing to use you as a helping agent.

13. It promotes a more intimate and warm relationship. The sender feels warm and positive toward the listener. The listener better understands the sender and feels more positive toward him/her.

14. It helps the sender grow toward being an internal problem-solver, toward being less dependent on others for solutions, toward being more self-responsible, more self-directing; master of his/her own fate or destiny.*

*Excerpt from Dr. Thomas Gordon's F.E.T. Adult Resource Book

Winning vs Losing

Winning vs Losing

How we solve conflicts and problems is not a reflection on our being "good" or "bad" parents. Our approach comes from what we have learned from interactions with our own parents, teachers, friends, bosses, coworkers and others in our work and life. We are doing our best with the tools we have been given. For many parents, there is a fear of losing control and becoming victims of their children's demands. For other parents, it is a fear of becoming too dictatorial and controlling. both fears come from the win-lose way of thinking that is ingrained in today's world, work and life.

As a result of this thinking, the two most common ways to solve problems are Parent Wins and Child Loses - Method I in P.E.T. language, and Parent Loses and Child Wins - Method II. P.E.T. offers an alternative to these win-lose methods. The core idea in P.E.T. is: Parents have the right to get their needs met and, equally, so do children. Both must win; neither must lose. And the way to insure that this happens is deceptively simple and straight forward: Parent and child must commit themselves to search together until a solution is found that will meet their equally important needs, resolve the conflict, and preserve the relationship.

Learning to resolve conflicts effectively, in ways that enhance the parent-child relationship, can actually transform most conflict into positive events in a family--an opportunity for parents and children to learn about each other and the process of solving problems effectively.*

*Excerpt from Dr. Thomas Gordon's P.E.T. Participant Workbook

What is a Confrontive I-Message?

Confrontive I-Messages: How to Say What You Feel

An I-Message is a non-blameful way of talking to others when their behavior is causing a problem for you.

Since an I-Message doesn't blame the other person, s/he is much less likely to get defensive.

I-Messages are a way of taking responsibility of your own thoughts, opinions, ideas, feelings and needs and expressing them.

It's hard for someone to argue with you when you say, "I was really worried," or "I'm scared," or "I feel hurt," because you are telling them what it's like to be you, rather than sending blaming You-Messages.

With an I-Message, you're not making judgments about them or analyzing why they behaved the way they did.

A good I-Message usually contains three parts: (1) your real feelings, (2) the behavior of the other person that caused you a problem, (3) the effect that behavior has on you.

YOUR FEELINGS

The most important part of an I-Message is the expression of your feelings--to do that, you need to get in touch with the real feelings you are experiencing and then express those feelings honestly.

A feeling is an experience or a sensation that you have in response to someone or something.

Basically, you experience a wide variety of either painful or pleasurable feelings; it is even sometimes hard to know whether the feeling is painful or pleasurable (e.g. when tickled, third helping of your favorite dessert, scratching mosquito bites).

Your feelings center in your body, not in your head (e.g., fear can be directly felt in shaking, heart pumping, stomach churning).

Thoughts are not the same as feelings; thoughts concern facts, information and knowledge--things in your head.

Your feelings are always changing, you never feel exactly the same from minute to minute place to place, person to person.

THE OTHER'S BEHAVIOR

An important purpose of an I-Message is describing the unacceptable behavior of the other person is a non-blameful way.

Another's behavior is only what you can directly observe, see, hear, smell, taste or feel.

Another's attitudes, feelings, motives and thoughts are not behaviors because you cannot directly observe them.

You can only guess about another's attitudes, motives and feelings. These guesses about what's going on inside another person are only judgments or evaluations.

These are behaviors:

• My brother almost ways has the remote control.
• My friend said s/he didn't like my new girl/boyfriend.

These are judgments of behaviors:

• He's selfish.
• My friend is jealous.*

*Excerpt from Dr. Thomas Gordon's F.E.T. Young Adult Resource Book

How Do You Coach/Talk to Your Soccer Team?

We would like to share a great testimonial/letter we received from our friends from down under. A P.E.T. Instructor from Australia recently held a P.E.T. course and here is a great e-mail letter the soccer dad/coach sent to the parents of his soccer team:

We hope you enjoy the letter as much as we did! :)

****

You may have noticed that I take a slightly unorthodox approach to the way I communicate with the boys and discipline the team. This is because I have almost finished a Parent Effectiveness Training (P.E.T.) course, which was recommended to me.

I very highly recommend the course to all parents and wish it were a compulsory course for all parents to do. The course has caused me to completely re-evaluate the relationships I have with my children (and my partner and other children) and has had a profound impact on the way our family now communicates.

My wife and I have found that:

• We are much more aware of our children's behaviour, and how our level of acceptance dictates how we respond - we now have a much broader level of acceptance which means less unnecessary conflict (sometimes we used to say NO for no good reason).
• We have learned how to actively listen to our children and identify their real needs, not just react to the behaviour they are displaying at the time
• We have learned how to understand and convey our needs to our children, so that they will initiate and willingly modify their own behaviour to accommodate our needs, without us ordering them to do it (sounds too good to be true!).
• We have learned how to problem solve with our children to get a win-win outcome
• We now have almost no need to use physical force to change our childrens' behaviours - ie no pulling, pushing or holding against their will.
• We have much more meaningful and deep conversations with our children and they are willing to tell us about things they were previously fearful to share and there is still a week to go.....

We have noticed real changes in ourselves and in our children - there is much less shouting, less tantrums, less fighting, and less stress. Our children (9, 5 and 3) have told us how they like the change a lot. Even my 3-year-old son’s play schoolteacher has commented that he is much less aggressive, more considerate and more cuddly than he used to be (he used to be a "problem" child).

It is a very well established course (30 years in Australia).

I recommend it to all parents, and if possible both parents should do the course together, but if you can't manage that then one should do it. It's well worth the time and money. The course books out fast so act soon.

Regards

Much happier Parent

What is Unacceptable to You?

When You Own the Problem

Being in relationships with other people--parents, sisters, brothers, friends--inevitably means that at times their behavior will be unacceptable to you because it interferes with you getting your needs met, prevents you from enjoying your life or makes you angry.

You want to use skills that will be effective in bringing about a change in the other person's behavior and yet not hurt the relationship. Your task then is to tell the other person that you need his or her help. You want to be honest, but you want to do it in such a way that your message doesn't make the other person feel put-down, hurt, angry or unwilling to change the behavior that is giving you a problem. Unfortunately, most people find it is not easy to do this. Here are some of the reasons:

• We are often afraid to confront others in the first place because we fear dealing with their feelings afterward.
• We are upset or even angry and don't want the other person to know it.
• We fear getting into an argument or conflict.
• We are afraid we will make the other person embarrassed, sorry or even guilty.

Here are things to consider when the behavior of others is unacceptable and causes you a problem:

• Their behavior which effects you is simply a sign that they are trying to get some need of their own met.
• They have as much right to get their needs met as you do yours.
• They often don't even know their behavior is causing you a problem. So, if you want to solve your problem you must tell them.*

*Excerpt from Dr. Thomas Gordon's F.E.T. Young Adult Resource Book

What Are the Negative Effects of the 12 Roadblocks?

The Negative Effects of the 12 Roadblocks

Here's a list of reactions people have told us they had when they owned a problem and the other person used the Roadblocks:

They made me:

• stop talking, shut me off.
• argue.
• feel resentful or angry.
• feel I'm being pressured to change--not accepted as I am.
• feel I'm not being understood.
• feel I've been interrupted.
• feel I'm on the witness stand being cross-examined.
• defensive and resistant.
• feel inadequate, inferior.
• feel guilty or bad.
• feel the other person doesn't trust me to solve my problem.
• feel my feelings aren't justified.
• feel frustrated.
• feel the listener is just not interested.*

*Excerpt from Dr. Thomas Gordon's F.E.T. Young Adult Resource Book