Do Kids Really Need to be "Toughened Up" for the Real World?

Some parents believe that their children should be treated with the use of punitive power in order to prepare them for the "real world".

This belief leans toward the idea that in the crass adult world, kids need to be "toughened up" in their childhood in order to survive as grown-ups. Those who belong to this school of thought believe that this tough love should be shown in form of punishment and the use of punitive, parental power. 

Here's why this theory is amiss:

Let's start with the general idea that parents want their children to grow up to become responsible, capable adults. They raise their children to show them the differences between "right and wrong" and the skills needed to fulfill their basic needs. Growing up, children learn a language for communicating with others, how to use numbers, how to drive, etc. Very few of these children take a course that teaches how to communicate effectively with others in order to get their needs met, especially during times of conflict. They learn how to talk with people and how to problem solve by mimicking what their parents do. After all, "modeling" is the most powerful way to teach anyone, anything.

In a world where most of us grow up with the use of punishment and parental superiority, it's no wonder that the "real world" we are planted in is so tough. Imagine millions of crying, whining adults scolding each other, telling each other what to do, striking out in anger and stepping on the heads of others; all of this in attempt to get some need met. The inadequacy of trying to solve problems this way is monumental.

Let's delve deeper into the mind of a child raised this way. What happens to the human psyche when our needs are met with threats, commands, blame, judgement and name-calling (just to name a few)?

These common reactions to children produce a countless number of side-effects. When a child begins to fear a parent, they are also hearing a threat of getting hurt by someone bigger and stronger than they are. While the power might work to modify the child's behavior for the moment, the child will almost ALWAYS fester resentment, which will trigger hostile responses in the future. Alternatively, this may cause a child to become submissive and fearful. 

Parents' use of demanding or ordering their children to do something communicate to the child that the parent does not have faith in the child's own judgement or capability. Patterns like this create reluctance in decision-making and an inability to problem-solve on their own, simply because they haven't been given the chance to practice using their own judgement. The common thought here would be, "I always do it wrong so why try?"

Criticizing and name-calling have some of the worst effects on children. Dr. Thomas Gordon wrote, "A child's self-concept gets shaped by parental judgement and evaluation. As the parent judges the child, so will the child judge himself." Like adults, children will respond with defensiveness even in cases disguised as "constructive criticism." In order to protect their own self image, children can become very hostile in the face of blame, ridicule and disagreement.

Stepping out from behind the microscope, we know how and why punitive parenting causes hostile and apprehensive adults. The failure of many marriages, business partnerships and friendships can be found as a result of "how you were raised" versus "how he/she was raised." It's important to know that the true test of a relationship isn't how many conflicts occur, but rather, how each conflict is handled. Gordon said conflict to be the "true test of a relationship."

When one learns how to deal with their own feelings AND the intense feelings of others, while accomplishing the common goal of each person getting what they need WITHOUT having to compromise, our work here is done.
 By now, you might be wondering: "How can I do that?!" Well, ahem, there are half a dozen books that can explain it all! Check out the work of Dr. Thomas Gordon and Linda Adams here.

And as always, let us know what you think.

written by: Selena George

The Six Steps of the No-Lose Method

The following describes the six steps of the No-Lose Method:

Setting the Stage

Before using the No-Lose Method, the people involved need to understand the method and commit to using it to resolve the conflict.

Step 1: Defining the Problem

This is the most important step. Each person needs to state their problem in a way that doesn't blame or judge the other person. I-Messages are the most effective way to do this.

When the other person states his/her problem you need to Active Listen to make sure you understand the other's needs.

Take enough time to get the problem defined as needs rather than solutions so that both agree on the problem to be solved.

Step 2: Brainstorm Solutions

In this creative part of conflict resolution, both people think of as many ideas and possible solutions as they can. There's no evaluation of solutions in this step. Agree to that!

Step 3: Evaluate Solutions

Now both people think about which solutions might work and which won't. Cross of solutions that won't work for one or both people. Test out the possible solutions by asking. "Any reason it might not work?"

Step 4: Choose a Solution

Both people agree on a solution or combination of solutions. Someone needs to state the solutions to make sure both agree. Don't try to push a solution--both need to freely choose.

Step 5: Plan for and Take Action

In this step, you both decide Who does What by When to carry out the agreed-on solution. It's best to trust that both will do what they agreed instead of talking about what will happen if they don't.

Step 6: Check Results

Both need to agree to check back at a later time to make sure the solution worked/is working for both people.*

*Excerpt from Dr. Thomas Gordon's F.E.T. Young Adult Resource Book

Have You Checked the Results?

Step 6: CHECKING THE RESULTS

There are Six Steps of the "No-Lose Method". After going through the first five steps, Step 6: Checking The Results is important to make certain everyone's needs have been met and the solutions from Method III conflict resolution turns out to be the best.

It's not always the case that all solutions from Method III conflict resolution turn out that way. Sometimes you or the other will discover weaknesses in the solution that will require modification or rejection for a better solution.

It is important to seek out the other's feelings about the solutions as well as to keep in touch with your feelings about the conflict resolution results.

Both of you should have an understanding that decisions are always open for mutually acceptable revisions.

Sometimes those new to Method III will discover that they have overcommitted themselves--in their enthusiasm they agreed to do too much or the impossible. Be sure to keep the door open for revision if this happens.

Remember:

Your best tools for effective No-Lose Conflict Resolution will always be:

• Active Listening
• Clear and Honest Sending of Your Needs with Non-Blameful I-Messages
• Trust and Respect for the Needs of the Other
• Openness to Changing Facts and Feelings
• An Unwillingness to Let Method III Fail
• Entering Method III Without Fixed Solutions
• Refusal to Revert to Method I or II*

*Excerpt from Dr. Thomas Gordon's F.E.T. Adult Resource Book

Why Is Conflict a Good Thing?

Why Conflict is a Good Thing

By Linda Adams, President of GTI

Conflicts between people are a normal, natural and inevitable part of life--at work, at home and in all our relationships with others. Unfortunately, most of us don't really accept this fact and we still get surprised and distressed when it's clear that a conflict has emerged.

As long as everything is going along smoothly, it's easy to be considerate and respectful of another person's needs. They are in no way interfering with our own. But the emergence of a conflict can change all that--now we can feel threatened, anxious and angry. The same person whom we enjoyed working with yesterday now seems like an adversary. That's because of our vast, past experience with conflict, most of which was negative.

We have a negative attitude toward conflict primarily because we haven't learned constructive ways to deal with it--in fact, the converse is true: we have learned destructive ways of handling conflict. As children, as students and as employees (and too often as spouses) we have experienced losing in a conflict because parents, teachers and bosses use/d their power to win at our expense. Even though we know the feelings of resentment, anger, dislike, even hostility that we experience as a result of losing, the win-lose posture is deeply ingrained and when we get in positions where we have power over people, we often choose to win at their expense.

A great deal of research shows the damaging effects that win-lose conflict resolution has on interpersonal relationships. It creates distance, separation, dislike, even hatred. It's the main reason people leave their jobs for new ones and marriages break up.

Viewing Conflict as Constructive

How conflicts get resolved is the critical factor in any relationship. In fact, it is the most critical factor in determining whether a relationship will be healthy or unhealthy, mutually satisfying or unsatisfying, friendly or unfriendly, deep or shallow, intimate or cold.

As most of us are aware, there is an alternative to the win-lose posture. It's often been called "win-win" or "no-lose" because the goal is to find a solution to the conflict that meets the needs of both people. Resolving conflicts this way requires three important attitudes and behaviors: 1) the attitude that conflict in general presents the opportunity for constructive change; 2) the willingness to engage in the process of mutually searching for a solution that meets the needs of both people; 3) the communication and problem solving skills that it takes to make this win-win method work. Too often, people want to resolve conflicts this way, but either are not truly willing in their heart of hearts to work for a mutually-acceptable solution or do not have the skills required to work together to find one. When this occurs, the win-win method is doomed to failure.

"Let's Keep Talking"

When you're in conflict with another person, you both are usually aware of it at some level. There's a sense of disruption, unease, something is not right. The communication between you might change, perhaps becoming superficial or terse. Or there's silence.

Once you're aware that you're in conflict, what you do next really matters. Acknowledge that a conflict exists. Very often, we decide not to acknowledge this hoping that the conflict will somehow go away or resolve itself. That rarely happens. Only when conflicts are brought out into the open, do they have the chance of being dealt with effectively.

And as I just mentioned, dealing with conflict effectively requires skills--skills that are proven to work, sometimes like magic. When you have these skills, the idea of facing conflicts with others is not nearly so daunting, and in fact can be stimulating and energizing. (There are very few intractable problems to which there are no mutually-acceptable solutions.)

Dialogue is the key element in constructive conflict resolution. Dialogue is made up of two very different communication skills, both of which are essential--listening with empathy and non-blameful self-disclosure. As Reuel Howe states in his book, The Miracle of Dialogue: "...it must be mutual and proceed from both sides, and the parties to it must persist relentlessly...when two persons undertake it and accept their fear of doing so, the miracle-working power of dialogue may be released."

The importance of listening with empathy to the other person's needs, feelings and beliefs cannot be overstated. This means experiencing what it feels like to be in the other person's shoes at that moment and then reflecting what you hear back to them to check whether you understood correctly. This can be very difficult to do especially when you have strong opposing viewpoints or feelings, but it's possible when you're truly intent on understanding. Something amazing happens when people feel understood and accepted at a deep level. Their need to hold onto their preconceived solution to the conflict often dissipates. And often their strong emotional feelings subside.

The other essential part of dialogue is non-blameful self-disclosure. Now it's your turn to talk about your needs and disclose your feelings without blaming the other person. Ideally, they will be committed to listening empathically to you, to put themselves in your shoes, to experience your reality. When that happens, you too can feel catharsis, and be more open to finding a mutually-satisfying solution. Once the basic needs of each person are clearly defined and understood, moving through the other steps needed to find a solution can be done in a climate of mutual consideration and respect.

Having positive conflict resolution experiences like these are both rewarding and reinforcing. And that's a great thing.

More Errors in Active Listening

MORE COMMON ERRORS IN ACTIVE LISTENING

1. THE NUMBER ON ERROR!: Using Active Listening when the other person's behavior is in the bottom part of the listener's Behavior Window. Nothing turns people off to Active Listening like trying to use it when another person's behavior is unacceptable to you. (An absurd example: Responding to repeated kicks in the shin with, "I get that you're feeling pretty hostile to me.") The usual cause of this unfortunate misuse of the skills is fear of confronting.
2. Using Active Listening when you have some behavior objective or the other (to cheer up, work harder, come to a realization, etc.) This also is caused by fear of confronting.
3. Using Active Listening when the others requesting specific help or information that you have and they don't, i.e., in cases of legitimate dependency. For example, "Where are the scissors?" "What's for dinner?" "I need directions on how to get there."
4. Feeding back the sender's message without including the appropriate nonverbal cues. This may occur because the listener feels too self-conscious to send them or feels it necessary to play some detached, "professional" role. But failure to approximate the tone of voice and body language appropriate to the feedback is received by the other as a denial of the feeling portions of his/her original message. Again, the naked words aren't enough.
5. Falling into the habit of using exactly the same phrase to start all your feedbacks (such as, "What I hear you saying is.."). This can get annoying fast. Use such phrases sparingly. One durable alternative is frequently to start simply with "You..." or "You're..." ("You wish you could help more." "You're pretty discouraged.")
6. Using Active Listening as a shield against another's anger at you. One or two good, very empathic feedbacks of the first onslaught can be helpful to both of you. ("Boy, you're really mad at me over this issue!") But after that, Active Listening will be seen as an infuriating attempt to dodge the anger. Switch to taking appropriate responsibility and problem solving.
7. Using Active Listening to gather enough data that you can then move in with judgment, advice and solutions. The other person will not soon again come to you to be listened to.
8. Using Active Listening to draw people out, invade their privacy. Remember that the sender owns the conversation and decides when it's to go on and when it's to stop.
9. Feeding back everything. Don't forget concerned silence (good during pauses or other's crying or sad silence) and simple acknowledgments, such as "Yeah," "Hmm," and "Uh huh" (good when other's code is crystal clear).

Simply reading through and understanding this list of the most common errors of Active Listening will sensitize you to many of them and help you avoid them. Another good use of this list is to return to it at times when your Active Listening has not been very effective or well received. At such times, one of these errors may stand out as the cause of your difficulty and put you back on track.*

*Excerpt from Dr. Thomas Gordon's F.E.T. Adult Resource Book

Active Listening Benefits

Active Listening Benefits

Here is a list of some of the main benefits of using Active Listening.

1. It is your check on the accuracy of your listening.

2. It shows the sender that you are interested in him/her.

3. It proves to the sender that not only have you heard, you have understood.

4. It tells the sender you can accept him/her as a troubled person.

NOTE: The key word is accept (i.e., the sender's behaviors are in the top of the Behavior Window), not agree with. You can accept his/her having a feeling you might not have or a thought you don't agree with.

5. It gives the sender a chance to ventilate, to feel relieved, to have catharsis. When feelings are expressed and accepted, they lose their grip on the person and become less disabling. When held in, feelings tend to remain strong and fester (as opposed to a popular fear that if one listens to and accepts another's feelings, those feelings will get out of hand).

6. Active Listening fosters others doing their own problem definition and problem solving. It keeps the responsibility with the sender, yet the listener remains involved. The sender holds onto the ball.

7. It relieves "emotional flooding" and frees the intellect to get back to work.

8. It fosters the sender moving from superficial to the deeper, more basic problem.

9. It avoids fastening onto and "solving" the "presenting problem".

10. It helps the sender deal with feelings, not just the facts.

11. Active Listening frequently fosters the sender's insights--new ways of seeing things, new attitudes, new behaviors, new understanding of self.

12. It fosters the sender being more open and honest with you--more willing to use you as a helping agent.

13. It promotes a more intimate and warm relationship. The sender feels warm and positive toward the listener. The listener better understands the sender and feels more positive toward him/her.

14. It helps the sender grow toward being an internal problem-solver, toward being less dependent on others for solutions, toward being more self-responsible, more self-directing; master of his/her own fate or destiny.*

*Excerpt from Dr. Thomas Gordon's F.E.T. Adult Resource Book

Method III Develops Children's Thinking Skills

Method III encourages--actually requires--children to think. The parent is signaling the child: "We have a conflict, let's put our heads together and think--let's figure out a good solution." Method III is an intellectual exercise in reasoning for both parent and child. It is almost like a challenging puzzle and requires the same kind of "thinking through" or "figuring out." I would not be surprised if future research demonstrates that children in homes using Method III develop mental capacities superior to children in homes using Method I or Method II.*

*Excerpt from Dr. Thomas Gordon's P.E.T. Book

What Are The Benefits of Active Listening?

The Benefits of Active Listening to Children

Feelings get dissipated

Troublesome, negative feelings are more apt to go away when they are expressed and accepted.

Feelings become friendly

If a parent accepts a child's feelings with Active Listening, it helps the child accept them and not feel they're "bad."

Produces a deeper feeling of caring

Being heard and understood by their parent makes children develop warm feelings toward the parent.

Children will start listening to the parent

If parents take the time to hear out their children, then children will be more apt to want to listen to the parent.

Children will become more responsible

Talking out a problem helps them think it through, discover their own solutions and become more self-responsible.

Parents will learn to trust their children

As the child begins to solve his/her problem, the parent will gain more trust in the child's capacity to handle problems.

Parents will become more accepting

Watching children deal constructively with their feelings, parents will become more accepting, too.

Parents will enjoy being a new kind of helper

Parents will find they won't have to shoulder the burden of finding solutions for their child's problems.

Parents will see children as separate persons

The child will become a separate person--with his/her own feelings, own problems, own solutions--no longer "joined at the hip" with the parent.

The parent won't have to be a "super-parent"

Parents will feel relieved not having to solve all their children's problems, be in charge, always be right, be totally responsible and even assume all the blame for their failures.*

*Excerpt from Dr. Thomas Gordon's F.E.T. Adult Resource Book

Do I Keep Active Listening?

Beyond Active Listening to Method III

When the messages are not clear, as in the case of prolonged anger or silence, a lot of Active Listening is necessary. Sometimes even vigorous Active Listening isn't enough and the parent needs to introduce Method III and offer to guide the children through it. A good deal of confronting may be necessary to resist the children's tendency to either give up (Method II) or solve the problem with a solution imposed by the "rescuing" parent.

Children sometimes arrive at satisfactory solutions without anyone's help, but more often than not this does not happen because the real issues are not uncovered. The antagonists rarely listen to and understand each other (even though a lot of words get exchanged).

There is no process for the defusing of strong feelings, and problem-solving doesn't get organized and underway. Parents who facilitate their children to solve their own problems realize a triple benefit: resolution of the immediate problem between the children, more effective problem-solving skills in the future, and mutual respect within all family relationships.*

*Excerpt from Dr. Thomas Gordon's P.E.T. Participant Workbook

Is Active Listening & I Messages Required with the No-lose Method?

The Need for Active Listening and I-Messages

Because the no-lose method requires the involved parties to join together in problem-solving, effective communication is a prerequisite. Consequently, parents must do a great deal of Active Listening, and must send clear I-Messages. Parents who have not learned these skills seldom have success with the no-lose method.

Active Listening if required, first, because parents need to understand the feelings or needs of the kids. What do they want? Why do they persist in wanting to do something even after they know it s not acceptable to their parents? What needs are causing them to behave in a certain way?

Why is Bonnie resisting going to nursery school? Why does Jane not want to wear the "ugly" coat? Why does Nathan cry and fight his mother when she drops him off at the baby-sitter's? What are my daughter's needs that make it so important for her to go to the beach during the Easter vacation?

Active Listening is a potent tool for helping a youngster to open up and reveal his real needs and true feelings. When these become understood by the parent, it is often an easy next step to think of another way of meeting those needs that will not involved behavior unacceptable to the parent.

Since strong feelings may come out during problem-solving--from parents as well as youngsters, Active Listening is critically important in helping to release feelings and dissipate them, so that effective problem-solving can continue.

Finally, Active Listening is an important way to let kids know that their proposed solutions are understood and accepted as proposals made in good faith; and that their thoughts and evaluations concerning all proposed solutions are wanted and accepted.

I-Messages are critical in the no-lose method process so kids will know how the parent feels, without impugning the character of the child or putting him down with blame and shame. You-Messages in conflict-resolution usually provoke counter You-Messages and cause the discussion to degenerate into a nonproductive verbal battle with the contestants vying to see who can best clobber the other with insults.

I-Messages also must be used to let kids know that parents have needs and are serious about seeing that those needs are not going to be ignored just because the youngster has his needs. I-Messages communicate the parent's own limits--what he cannot tolerate and what he does not want to sacrifice. I-Messages convey, "I am a person with needs and feelings," "I have a right to enjoy life," "I have rights in our home."*

*Excerpt from Dr. Thomas Gordon's P.E.T. book

Do You Compromise?

A Special Note About Compromise

Many parents, who are uncomfortable with the results of either Method I or Method II, turn to an additional option, compromise. While neither parent nor child loses, they don't really win either - both try to win as much as possible and lose as little as possible. This approach is often confused with the P.E.T. alternative, "No Lose Problem Solving - Method III".

In a compromise, both parent and child can feel dissatisfied and the solution may become a wall between the two. A compromise solution is actually made up of trade offs and promises (individual parent and child solutions) and each watches very carefully to be sure that the other does not disregard her pieces of this solution. Usually it involves "buying and selling" solutions and needs are often not even identified. Win-lose concerns and feelings often remain.

In Method III, the first big difference is attitude - there is a genuine desire for a win-win solution which both will be happy with. The second important difference is that needs come before solutions. The needs of both the parent and the child are identified and clarified before solutions are even considered.

Method III means negotiating until a solution meets the parent's needs as well as the child's.*

*Excerpt from Dr. Thomas Gordon's Parent Effectiveness Training, P.E.T. Participant Workbook

You Don't Send "Solution Messages" To Your Friends, Do You?

If a friend is visiting in your home and happens to put his feet on the cushions of your new dining room chairs, you certainly would not say to him:

"Get your feet off my chair this minute."

"You should never put your feet on somebody's new chair."

"If you know what's good for you, you'll take your feet off my chair."

"I suggest you do not ever put your feet on my chair"

This sounds ridiculous in a situation involving a friend because most people treat friends with more respect. Adults want their friends to "save face." They also assume that a friend has brains enough to find his own solution to your problem once he is told what the problem is An adult would simply tell the friend her feelings. She would leave it up to him to respond appropriately and assume he would be considerate enough to respect her feelings. Most likely the chair owner would send some such messages as:

"I am worried that my new chair might get dirty."

"I'm sitting here on pins and needles because I see your feet on my new chair."

"I'm embarrassed to mention this, but we just got these new chairs and I'm anxious to keep them as clean as possible."

These messages do not "send a solution." People generally send this type of message to friends but seldom to their own children; they naturally refrain from ordering, exhorting, threatening, and advising friends to modify their behavior in some particular way, yet as parents they do this every day with their children.

No wonder children resist or respond with defensiveness and hostility. No wonder children feel "put down," squelched, controlled. No wonder they "lose face." No wonder some grow up submissively expecting to be handed solutions by everyone. Parents frequently complain that their children are not responsible in the family; they do not show consideration for the needs of parents. How are children ever going to learn responsibility when parents take away every chance for the child to do something responsible on her own out of consideration for her parents' needs?*

*Excerpt from Dr. Thomas Gordon's P.E.T. book

Do You Like When People Send You Solutions?

Sending a "Solution Message"

Have you ever been just about ready to do something considerate for a person (or initiate some change in your behavior to meet a person's needs) when all of a sudden that person directs you, exhorts you, or advises you to do exactly what you were going to do on your own?

Your reaction was probably, "I didn't need to be told or "If you had waited a minute, I would have done that without being told." Or you probably got irritated because you felt that the other person did not trust you enough or took away the chance for you to do something considerate for her on your own initiative.

When people do this to you, they are "sending a solution." This is precisely what parents often do with children. They do not wait for the child to initiate considerate behavior; they tell her what she must or should or ought to do. All the following types of messages "send a solution":

1. ORDERING, DIRECTING, COMMANDING

"You go find something to play with."

"Turn that music down!"

"Be home by 11:00."

"Go do your homework."

2. WARNING, ADMONISHING, THREATENING

"If you don't stop, I'll scream."

"Mother will get angry if you don't get out from under my feet."

"If you don't get out there and clean up that mess, you're going to be sorry."

3. EXHORTING, PREACHING, MORALIZING

"Don't ever interrupt a person when she's talking."

"You shouldn't act that way."

"You shouldn't play when we're in a hurry."

"Always clean up after yourself."

4. ADVISING, GIVING SUGGESTIONS OR SOLUTIONS

"Why don't you go outside and play?'

"If I were you, I'd just forget about it."

"Can't you put each thing away after you use it?"

These kinds of verbal responses communicate to the child your solution for her--precisely what you think she must do. You call the shots; you are in control; you are taking over; you are cracking the whip. You are leaving her out of it. The first type of message orders her to employ your solution; the second threatens her; the third exhorts her; the fourth advises her.

Parents ask, "What's so wrong with sending your solution--after all, isn't she causing me a problem?" True, she is. But giving her the solution to your problem can have these effects:

1. Children resist being told what to do. They also may not like your solution. In any case, children resist having to modify their behavior when they are told just how they "must" or "should" or "better" change.

2. Sending the solution to the child also communicates another message, "I don't trust you to select your solution" or "I don't think you're sensitive enough to find a way to help with my problem."

3. Sending the solution tells the child that your needs are most important than her, that she has to do just what you think she should, regardless of her needs ("You're doing something unacceptable to me, so the only solution is what I say").

More tomorrow...

*Excerpt from Dr. Thomas Gordon's P.E.T. book

What If We Can't Find an Acceptable Solution?

This is one of the most frequent fears of parents. While it is justifiable in some cases, surprisingly few no-lose conflict-resolution sessions fail to come up with an acceptable solution. When a family encounters such a stalemate or deadlock, it is usually because parents and children are still in a win-lose, power-struggle frame of mind.

Our advice to parents is: try everything you can think of in such cases. For instance:

1. Keep talking.
2. Go back to Step 2 and generate more solutions.
3. Hold over the conflict until a second session tomorrow.
4. make strong appeals, such as, "Come on, there must be a way to resolve this," "Let's really try hard to find an acceptable solution," "Have we explored all of the possible solutions?" "Let's try harder."
5. Bring the difficulty out in the open and try to find out whether some underlying problem or "hidden agenda" is obstructing progress. You might say, "I wonder what's going on here that prevents us from finding a solution," "Are there other things bugging us that we haven't brought out?"

Usually, one or several of these approaches works and problem-solving gets started again.

*Excerpt from Dr. Thomas Gordon's P.E.T. book

How Do Families Solve Conflicts?

We don't need to look in the dictionary to find out what the word "conflict" means. We know because we experience it often in many of our relationships. In our roles as bosses or employees, teachers or students, customers or clerks, friends, spouses, and certainly as parents or children, conflict seems inevitable.

Most of us have come to accept a certain amount of conflict in our lives as "normal" and have learned effective ways of handling it. This is certainly true in families where day-to-day living together regularly results in mild disagreements and disputes that are usually quickly resolved and forgotten. Unfortunately, more serious conflicts can also occur--fights that lead to resentment, hassles that come up over and over again, stand-offs that result in tension and alienation--making family life seem almost unbearable at times. In a Utopian world conflict would not exist, but the reality is that it does and will as long as people live and work together. Thus, the goal of P.E.T. is not to reduce it. Rather, the mission is to teach families skillful ways of handling and resolving conflict - constructive and healthy ways which give everyone a say.

Needs Versus Solutions

A common definition if "people fighting against each other." In a family, this definition suggests that the parents is trying to block what the child wants, and the child is struggling to block what the parent wants. Strange as it may sounds, this is almost never really the case! Most conflicts between a parent and a child are conflicts-of-solutions rather than conflicts-of-needs. Actually parents and children have essentially the same basic human needs. Conflicts result from the way in which the parent or child goes about meeting some important personal need.

So often parents and children get into conflicts because both fail to communicate their underlying needs to the other. Instead each sets out on a course of action (the solution) to meet a very legitimate need, and these incompatible solutions create the conflict.

Don't Children Want Authority and Limits?

A belief commonly held by both laypeople and professionals is that children actually want authority--they like parents to restrict their behavior by setting limits. When parents use their authority, so the argument goes, children feel more secure. Without limits, they not only will be wild and undisciplined but also insecure. An extension of this belief is that if parents do not use authority to set limits, their children will feel the parents do not care and will feel unloved.

While I suspect this belief is embraced by many because it gives them a neat justification for using power, I do not want to discredit the belief as a mere rationalization. There is some truth in the belief and so it must be examined rather carefully.

Common sense and experience strongly support the idea that children do want limits in their relationship with parents. They need to know how far they can go before their behavior will be unacceptable. Only then can they choose not to engage in such behaviors. This applies to all human relationships.

For example, I am much more secure when I know which of my behaviors are unacceptable to my wife. One that comes to mind is playing golf or going to my office to work on a day when we entertain guests. By knowing ahead of time that my absence will be unacceptable because my wife needs my help, I can choose not to play golf or go to the office and avoid her displeasure or anger and probably a conflict.

However, it is one thing for a child to want to know the "limits of her parents' acceptance" and an entirely different thing to say that she wants her parent to set those limits on her behavior. To return to the example involving my wife and me: I am helped when I know her feelings about my playing golf or going to the office on days we entertain. But I certainly will bristle and be resentful if she tries to set a limit on my behavior by some such statement as, "I cannot permit you to play golf or go to the office on days we are having guests. That's a limit. You are not to do those things."

I would not appreciate this power approach at all. It is ridiculous to suppose that my wife would even try to control and direct my behavior this way. Children respond no differently to limit setting on the part of the parent. Equally strong is their bristling and resentment when a parent unilaterally tries to set a limit on their behavior. I have never known a child who wants a parent to set a limit on her behavior like this:

"You must be in by midnight--that's my limit."

"I cannot permit you to take the car."

"You cannot play with your truck in the living room."

"We must demand that you not smoke pot."

"We have to restrict you from going with those two boys."

The reader will recognize all these communications as our familiar "sending the solution" (also, all are You-Messages).

A much sounder principle than "children want their parents to use their authority and set limits" is the following:

Children want and need information from their parents that will tell them the parent's feelings about their behavior. so that they themselves can modify behavior that might be unacceptable to the parents. However, children do not want the parent to try to limit or modify their behavior by using or threatening to use their authority. In short, children want to limit their behavior themselves if it becomes apparent to them that their behavior must be limited or modified. Children, like adults, prefer to be their own authority over their behavior.

One further point: children actually would prefer that all their behavior were acceptable to their parents, so that it would be unnecessary to limit or modify any of their behavior. I, too, would prefer that my wife would find all my behavior unconditionally acceptable. That's what I would prefer, but I know it is not only unrealistic, but impossible.

So parents should not expect, nor will their children expect of them, that they will be accepting of all behavior. What children have a right to expect, however, is that they always be told when their parents are not feeling accepting of a certain behavior (I don't like to be tugged and pulled when I'm talking to a friend"). This is quite different from wanting parents to use authority to set limits on their behavior.*

*An excerpt from Dr. Thomas Gordon's P.E.T., Parent Effectiveness Training book

What Else is Unique About Family Effectiveness Training?

How the Marital Relationship Affects Children

This training program is unique in emphasizing the profound effect on children of the quality of their parents' marriage relationship. The way husbands and wives relate to each other becomes perhaps the strongest model for the behavior of their children.

Unless parents learn how to build a loving, stable, and peaceful relationship with each other, they are unlikely to build such a relationship with their children.

This training will provide family members with an easy-to-use step-by-step procedure they can quickly learn to peacefully resolve their conflicts. Recent research evidence shows that marital conflicts are inevitable, but they are less likely to lead to unhappiness or divorce when the partners have good conflict-resolution skills, good listening skills and good self-disclosure skills.

Parenting Made Much Easier

You'll find, as many other parents have, that parenting need not be as complex, difficult, exasperating and time-consuming as so many other books and parent education programs make it seem.

When you learn and use the skills in the Gordon Model for effective parenting, here are some of the things you'll discover:

• You won't have to be "an all-knowing super-parent" with answers to each of the countless problems every child experiences. Why? Because you will learn a single communication skill that will influence your children to come up with their own best solutions. We call that "empowering your child" of "fostering independence and self-confidence."

• You won't have to spend your valuable time reminding and nagging your child (or your spouse) to do what they said they would do. Why? Because you will learn a procedure that greatly increases peoples' motivation to keep their promises and commitments.

• You won't have to experience the pain and frustration of arguments that never get settled or serious conflicts that lead to anger and tears. Why? Because you will learn a communication skill that effectively prevents a lot of conflicts. And then you'll learn that certain conflicts are still inevitable in marriages, but there is a procedure you can use to resolve those conflicts peacefully--so nobody loses, both win.

Skills Not Solutions

This training is unique in deliberately refraining from giving family members solutions to their innumerable and various problems. Now you are probably thinking, "What in the world do we get in this training we can't use your expertise to give us good solutions?" The answer is that Family Effectiveness Training will teach a few learnable skills and procedures that will then enable family members to find their own unique solutions to their unique problems. It will empower you and other family members to be problem-solvers. You may have heard the following principle that describes empowerment:

"Give people a fish and you'll feed them for one day; teach them how to fish and you feed them for a lifetime."

That is what the Gordon Training skills will do.

Besides that, because families and their members are so very different there is seldom one best solution for the same problem in every family. So don't expect advice about how to handle money, relate with in-laws, spend more time together or any of the hundreds of problems families experience.