A Survey: What Makes For Good and Bad Relationships?

What Makes For Good and Bad Relationships?

A few years ago Rob Koegel, a professor at the State University of New York at Farmingdale, asked students to respond to a questionnaire about their best and worst relationships. Some of the questions were about relationships between the students and people of more or less equal status such as friends, partners, siblings and the like. Others were about themselves and people with greater status like bosses, teachers, professors, parents, etc. The students were asked to describe what these relationships were like and the results were illuminating. They named respect, caring, trust, honesty, support and good communication as characteristics of their best relationships and went on to say these relationships cultivated empathy, compassion, understanding and respect for differences. They said when others exhibited these characteristics relationships with them were good regardless of status differences

Dr. Koegel said students told him their best relationships were fulfilling and uplifting, made them happier, stronger and more complete. He summed up; “Our best relationships make us feel appreciated, valued and worthy. They also make us feel more connected to and trusting of others. Unlike most other relationships, this reciprocal connection nourishes, supports and empowers both parties”.

On the other hand, relationships students labeled “worst” were described as manipulative, dominating, unjust, and unequal. They said the manipulative; dominating people viewed differences in an either/or fashion, good or bad, right or wrong, better or worse with their positions put forth as the correct ones. The self-righteous attitude of the dominators resulted in the survey respondents tending to feel incompetent and inadequate. Those who used their status to win, to get what they wanted at others’ expense, generated feelings of insecurity and shame in the losers who became distrusting of themselves and others. The students used terms like “one-sided”, “taken advantage of”, “dominated” to describe how they felt about these damaging relationships.

Respondents agreed that these unequal relationships are always unfair. They characterized their dynamics as win-lose and said dominators win by using their personal and institutional power as parents, teachers, bosses and the like to coerce and abuse. Those on the losing end are forced to accept one-sided relationships like these because they have less status, are overpowered, dependent and needy.

Koegel’s survey pointed out what I think everyone knows from experience: the most critical barriers to a healthy, happy relationships are power differentials between partners or groups. If one person (or group) can force another to do something she, he or the group doesn’t want to do the relationship is in trouble. Its unfair relationships like those that Dr. Koegel’s subjects labeled as win-lose and agreed that losing left them feeling powerless, taken advantage of and dominated.*

*Excerpt from Dr. Thomas Gordon writings

The "Apparent Magic" of the Gordon Model

By Linda Adams, President of GTI

As we recall the many things for which we are thankful, we feel especially grateful to and appreciative of all the people around the world who teach, who advocate for, who use the Gordon Model in their own lives and relationships. Ever since 1962 when Dr. Gordon taught the first PET class in a Pasadena, California cafeteria until August of this year when Sister Estelle Fontaine taught a group in Mauritius (Indian Ocean), we have heard stories of "apparent magic"--stories that are made possible by our representatives and instructors throughout the world. Here are some we'd like to share with you that illustrate the universal applicability and relevance of this model to all relationships.

Married Couple Find Themselves On A Date In Tokyo:

Situation: After dinner. Children are already in bed. A husband and wife are in the living room. The wife took a PET course and is ready to practice a Positive I-Message.

W: Dad.
H: Yeah...?
W: I suppose you must have lots of disagreeable frustration at work.
H: Oh yes, I do--lots of them.
W: You work for such a long time every day, but you know, you've never come home in a bad mood.
H: Maybe so. I let it go out while I work, you know.
W: I appreciate to see you in a good mood when you come back home. I feel happy to see you like that at home even after your long work.
H: Well, today, too--I had a quarrel with some colleagues.
W: Oh, yeah?
H: (Then he talked about what happened that day and said there were colleagues whom he trusted so much that we could even quarrel with them).

The wife comments--"There was not so strong a reaction from him that day, but what was surprising was what happened the next day. At around 10:00 that night, he called me on the phone on this way from work and invited me to go to a noodle shop near our apartment. 'Come down. I'm almost in front of our apartment'. For many years, we had not done something like this. On our way back from the noodle shop, we bought some ice cream cones and went home licking them. I knew what I had wanted to convey to him the day before was understood and accepted by him. The next morning, my husband was telling our children with a big grin: 'Hey, mom and I had a date yesterday'."

Sister Estelle Inspires Nuns:

"I went to Mauritius and La Reunion to give some Gordon trainings to Carmelite convent order nuns and to some nuns who take a very active responsibility for older people and children with problems or abandoned ones. It is to be noted that there is no Training Centre there and all of the people whom we have met were delighted with these trainings--their regret is that they did know earlier that such things could exist. Some people told me that it was personal therapy for them, opened them to other ways of living their relationships and made them look to life with much more hope."

Pickle-Packing Plant Pleased With Productivity In Maryland, USA:

Recently a plant manager shared this about LET Trainer Rob Harris who trained many of their managers, supervisors, and line-leads in the LET skills: "He was able to make a real difference in how the entire plant acted toward one another. I have seen a change in our supervision and leads that we have trying to accomplish for four years. The result is what is most impressive. We have gone the last seven months with lower consumer complaints than the previous year. We have reduced the amount of rework in the plant by $120,000 from last year. We have spent $170,000 less in overtime than the year before. Our cost per case is down by $.07. The intangible change is probably the biggest whereas stress levels are at an all time low and our teams are working together better than they ever have."

PET Behind Prison Bars:

In December of last year, an inmate at Soledad Prison, a maximum security prison in California, wrote to us letting us know that he had read the PET book in the prison library and that he would like to take a course to learn the skills. We then sent him FET (Family Effectiveness Training, the video version of PET) and received a letter from him several months later sharing this with us: "I must tell you how impressed I was with Dr. Gordon's program--it has helped me better understand how to interact not only with my own children but with my fellow inmates as well. This is a program that would help all inmates who have the willingness and desire to prepare themselves to successfully reenter their communities." He then approached the prison administration with the idea of offering the course for groups of inmates preparing for parole. FET was so well-received that there are now three ongoing courses, one of which the prison chaplain facilitates. It has become one of the most popular courses ever offered at Soledad and there are now 300 inmates on the waiting list. Recently, David shared a conversation with a fellow inmate named Albert. "Albert shook my hand and thanked me and said that before he took the FET course, he had never really known how to properly communicate with people. He felt alienated from his own children, his parents, even from his wife. He said he have acted like a drill instructor issuing orders rather than a father, son, husband. It was his way or the highway. Albert said that FET was the best thing he had done in a very long time--'it changed my life and has given it new meaning'."

And finally, this from Azza Abul-Fadl in Egypt:

"I enjoy doing these courses and cannot tell you how much I appreciate having the opportunity to work with you on this really wonderful and peace-loving mission. When I was using an I-Message with my nephew the other day to help him resolve a conflict with his fiancee, my sister told her son: "'Your aunt is speaking the words of God'--isn't this wonderful!"

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Our deepest thanks to each of you who make a unique and valued contribution to making apparent magic like this possible.
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What Appreciative I-Message Will You Send to Your Mom?

In honor of Mother's Day, let's find ways to show our Mother's that we appreciate them--by sending Appreciative I-Messages!

Appreciative I-Messages

These are I-Messages that describe your positive feelings about another person. Appreciative I-Messages express appreciation, enjoyment, affection and love towards parents, brothers, sisters, friends, grandparents, etc. They can contribute greatly to warmer, closer and more enjoyable relationships.

• "I appreciate your taking my turn making dinner. It gave me time to finish my homework."
• "I really like the story you wrote."
• "Mom (Dad, Grandma, etc.), I love you."*

What Appreciative I-Message will you share with your Mother and/or loved ones? :)

*Excerpt from Dr. Thomas Gordon's F.E.T. Young Adult Resource book

What's your favorite I-Message to give?

As a refresher - an I-Message is a statement that describes you; an expression of your feelings and experience. They don't have any kind of judgment or interpretation of others and, therefore, they are more honest and encourage others to be more open with you.

My favorite would have to be the Positive or Appreciative I-Message. I use this type of I-Message when I don't have any problems with the other person in my relationship. I simply use it to let them know that I appreciate something that they did, said or even just for the person they are. Positive I-Messages are very easy to give and really explain the "Why?" to your gratitude.

Here's a short message that is perfect for a child: "I really appreciate how you cleaned up your toys in the living room when I asked you to; it's much easier for me to find things in there when I need them now."

So simple, right? Do you see how in that short message you are telling the child what a specific behavior from them meant to you?

As a parent, you can feel good about yourself after sharing positive feelings like this and, most importantly, your child can feel appreciated, affirmed and loved.

To create an I-Message, just add the results of the answers to these questions:

What was my child's behavior that I appreciate?
What effect did that behavior have on me?
How did that behavior make me feel?

Make sure to be as clear as possible - don't add any labels like "You're such a good girl!" The point of a Positive I-Message is to focus on real feelings and experiences and steer clear of judgment.

Try using a Positive I-Message today with your child and report the results with the rest of us in the comments section to this post!