Do You Need To Use Preventive I-Messages?

Holiday Season and Communication

The holidays. What can be a very stressful time of the year - with family/friends visiting, traveling, holiday shopping and everything in between - it is important to remember what the upcoming festivities are about. Self-disclosure and effective communication will benefit healthy relationships. This is where we all could practice using our Preventive I-Messages.

Self-disclosure is direct and congruent communication and action. It involves sharing with other people what’s going on inside you (needs, feelings, wants). The Preventive I-Message is a communication to someone who is significant in your life, someone who can help you in getting your needs met. It is a direct, clear, and congruently strong expression, avoiding either submissive or aggressive overtones. It contains, to a greater or lesser degree, a possible solution to your need, representing the responsibility you have taken to understand and then act to meet your own needs.

The benefits or advantages of the Preventive I-Message extend to you, the other person, and the health of the on-going relationship, including the following results:

You maintain awareness, responsibility and control of your needs and feelings.

Others know your needs and the strength of your feelings about them.

You model openness, directness, thus encouraging reciprocal self-disclosure by others.

Others are better able to meet your needs when they have a clear picture of what you want.

Others have advance notice of your need and can adjust their behavior accordingly.

You and others reduce the chances of future conflicts that can result from unknown or uncommunicated needs.

You reduce the element of surprise, unpreparedness, and unexpected conflict from the relationship.

You save yourself and others time, energy and resources that can result from unanticipated conflicts.

You plan your life, take responsibility and prepare for future needs.

The Preventive I-Message generally consists of two parts: (1) the self-disclosure ("I want..." or "I need...") and (2) the reason (usually desired consequence) for the self-disclosure ("I want...because...").

Here is an example of a Preventive I-Message:

"I'd really like to visit my folks this year as part of our vacation...I miss them and really feel out of touch with their lives."*

*Excerpt from Gordon Training International's Be Your Best Participant Workbook

Why Is Conflict a Good Thing?

Why Conflict is a Good Thing

By Linda Adams, President of GTI

Conflicts between people are a normal, natural and inevitable part of life--at work, at home and in all our relationships with others. Unfortunately, most of us don't really accept this fact and we still get surprised and distressed when it's clear that a conflict has emerged.

As long as everything is going along smoothly, it's easy to be considerate and respectful of another person's needs. They are in no way interfering with our own. But the emergence of a conflict can change all that--now we can feel threatened, anxious and angry. The same person whom we enjoyed working with yesterday now seems like an adversary. That's because of our vast, past experience with conflict, most of which was negative.

We have a negative attitude toward conflict primarily because we haven't learned constructive ways to deal with it--in fact, the converse is true: we have learned destructive ways of handling conflict. As children, as students and as employees (and too often as spouses) we have experienced losing in a conflict because parents, teachers and bosses use/d their power to win at our expense. Even though we know the feelings of resentment, anger, dislike, even hostility that we experience as a result of losing, the win-lose posture is deeply ingrained and when we get in positions where we have power over people, we often choose to win at their expense.

A great deal of research shows the damaging effects that win-lose conflict resolution has on interpersonal relationships. It creates distance, separation, dislike, even hatred. It's the main reason people leave their jobs for new ones and marriages break up.

Viewing Conflict as Constructive

How conflicts get resolved is the critical factor in any relationship. In fact, it is the most critical factor in determining whether a relationship will be healthy or unhealthy, mutually satisfying or unsatisfying, friendly or unfriendly, deep or shallow, intimate or cold.

As most of us are aware, there is an alternative to the win-lose posture. It's often been called "win-win" or "no-lose" because the goal is to find a solution to the conflict that meets the needs of both people. Resolving conflicts this way requires three important attitudes and behaviors: 1) the attitude that conflict in general presents the opportunity for constructive change; 2) the willingness to engage in the process of mutually searching for a solution that meets the needs of both people; 3) the communication and problem solving skills that it takes to make this win-win method work. Too often, people want to resolve conflicts this way, but either are not truly willing in their heart of hearts to work for a mutually-acceptable solution or do not have the skills required to work together to find one. When this occurs, the win-win method is doomed to failure.

"Let's Keep Talking"

When you're in conflict with another person, you both are usually aware of it at some level. There's a sense of disruption, unease, something is not right. The communication between you might change, perhaps becoming superficial or terse. Or there's silence.

Once you're aware that you're in conflict, what you do next really matters. Acknowledge that a conflict exists. Very often, we decide not to acknowledge this hoping that the conflict will somehow go away or resolve itself. That rarely happens. Only when conflicts are brought out into the open, do they have the chance of being dealt with effectively.

And as I just mentioned, dealing with conflict effectively requires skills--skills that are proven to work, sometimes like magic. When you have these skills, the idea of facing conflicts with others is not nearly so daunting, and in fact can be stimulating and energizing. (There are very few intractable problems to which there are no mutually-acceptable solutions.)

Dialogue is the key element in constructive conflict resolution. Dialogue is made up of two very different communication skills, both of which are essential--listening with empathy and non-blameful self-disclosure. As Reuel Howe states in his book, The Miracle of Dialogue: "...it must be mutual and proceed from both sides, and the parties to it must persist relentlessly...when two persons undertake it and accept their fear of doing so, the miracle-working power of dialogue may be released."

The importance of listening with empathy to the other person's needs, feelings and beliefs cannot be overstated. This means experiencing what it feels like to be in the other person's shoes at that moment and then reflecting what you hear back to them to check whether you understood correctly. This can be very difficult to do especially when you have strong opposing viewpoints or feelings, but it's possible when you're truly intent on understanding. Something amazing happens when people feel understood and accepted at a deep level. Their need to hold onto their preconceived solution to the conflict often dissipates. And often their strong emotional feelings subside.

The other essential part of dialogue is non-blameful self-disclosure. Now it's your turn to talk about your needs and disclose your feelings without blaming the other person. Ideally, they will be committed to listening empathically to you, to put themselves in your shoes, to experience your reality. When that happens, you too can feel catharsis, and be more open to finding a mutually-satisfying solution. Once the basic needs of each person are clearly defined and understood, moving through the other steps needed to find a solution can be done in a climate of mutual consideration and respect.

Having positive conflict resolution experiences like these are both rewarding and reinforcing. And that's a great thing.

What Is A Declarative I-Message?

Declarative I-Messages

The most basic form of self-disclosure is the Declarative I-Message - your disclosure to others of your beliefs, ideas, likes, dislikes, feelings, thoughts, reactions, etc. Declarative I-Messages are statements which let other people know better - let them know how you feel and where you stand.

Some examples of Declarative I-Messages:

I love to dance.

I don't enjoy violent movies.

I'm spiritual, but not religious.

I'd like to learn to speak French.

There are so many candidates running, I don't know who to vote for.

I enjoy hearing him give a talk because he's so articulate and funny.

And important use of the Declarative I-Message is to convey positive feelings of appreciation, pleasure, gratitude, relief or happiness to others in the form of Positive I-Messages. Unlike praise which uses labels and judgments, Positive I-Messages focus on the person's behavior and can also include the positive effects on you. Positive I-Messages are a way of acknowledging others' contributions.

Some examples of Positive I-Messages:

I really enjoy going on hikes with you.

It's a relief to know you got home safe; I appreciate your calling to let me know.

Talking with you has made my day; I value your insights so much.

I really appreciate your staying late to finish that order because we were able to make the deadline and that's a huge relief to me.

Most of our Declarative I-Messages are simple, natural expressions of what we are experiencing. In our close and intimate relationships we share many self-disclosures each day. What we are willing to disclose, of course, varies with the kind of relationship we are in and the setting in which we find ourselves. In short, we exercise a lot of judgment in disclosing ourselves to others.

Self-disclosure is obviously easiest when we perceive that others share or will agree with our own experience. It becomes more difficult and anxiety-producing when we risk disagreement and resistance from others. We don't want to open ourselves up to judgment, evaluation or criticism. Willingness to self-disclose, then, is largely determined by our feelings of trust of the other person.

As you become more self-disclosing you will find that others are more willing to disclose their experience to you. You will discover how similar you are to - and how different you are from - others in your feelings, hopes, perceptions, etc. Generally, self-disclosure draws people closer together.

In addition to these advantages, your self-disclosure helps you know yourself better, makes you more aware of how you feel, where you stand. As a result, you are in a better position to meet your important needs.

Do What's Right For You

We obviously see many benefits for self-disclosure, both for the parent, the child, and others. But where do you draw the line? Should you disclose everything you think and feel? What should you share with your children? With your spouse or friend? Or with no one?

The best guideline we can offer is: do what's right for you, and what's right for your relationships. The ultimate purpose of self-disclosure, after all, is to enhance your effectiveness as a parent and a person.

Therein lies the rule of thumb: "Will my thoughts and feelings here, now, and with this child or other person, enhance me and enhance them and contribute to the quality of our relationship?" When the answer is "Yes," self -disclose. When the answer is "No," choose not to self-disclose; and when the answer is "I'm not sure," we strongly suggest that you take a chance and trust that your honesty and humanness will pay off. We're convinced that children especially thrive when their parent is a genuine, open and even vulnerable human being -- not an actor in a carefully controlled and rehearsed "parent" role.*

*Excerpt from Dr. Thomas Gordon's P.E.T. Participant Workbook

Why is Clear Self-Disclosure Difficult?

We sometimes hide our true selves--our thoughts, feelings and opinions.

We're afraid of disapproval, disagreement, criticism or rejection by others. The need to be liked and accepted is very strong.

So we keep our real thoughts and feelings to ourselves.

We lose touch with what our true feelings are.

We later become angry and resentful because we didn't speak out.

Other's don't know what we really think, feel and need so they can't help us get our needs met.*

*Excerpt from Dr. Thomas Gordon's F.E.T. Young Adult Resource book

What Are the Benefits of Clear Self-Disclosure?

You may learn how similar you are to other people or how different you are.

You become more aware of what your thoughts, feelings and needs are so you can act in accordance with them.

When other people know how you feel and what you need they can often help you get your needs met.

Clear self-disclosure is a way of taking responsibility for yourself.

Clear self-disclosure is important in relationships because it helps each know how the other person feels-how the situation appears from the other's point of view.*

*Excerpt from Dr. Thomas Gordon's F.E.T. Young Adult Resource book

What Are Some Typical Questions About I-Messages?

Typical Questions About I-Messages

Q: Won't I-Messages be perceived as disguised You-Messages and therefore meet similar resistance?

A: Quite possibly...however, as the level of trust increases in a relationship over time, the likelihood of resistance may diminish. In any case, Shifting Gears to Active Listening will help.

Q: Won't I-Messages make the other person feel guilty?

A: Yes, they might, especially if his/her behavior has hurt you. But such guilt may be appropriate. And you can help the other to handle any guilt s/he expresses by Shifting Gears to Active Listening.

Q: Must all three parts always be present in a Confrontive I-Message?

A: No. Sending the three elements-behavior, tangible effects, and feelings--is the strongest, most potent influencer available; but just feelings or just effects may produce change--especially if the other's need is not strong and/or the relationship is close.

Q: If there are no tangible and concrete effects on me from the other person's unacceptable behavior, does that mean I'm supposed to stop feeling unaccepting, hurt, sad, or worried?

A: No. It simply means that since the other person's behavior is not tangibly interfering with your needs, s/he may be unmotivated to change, and you will have to rely on the less predictable Values Collision options. And you may still feel upset about the other's behavior.

Q: Doesn't the influencing ability of I-Messages eventually "wear out" from overuse, and don't I-Messages then have to be replaced by reprimanding, "training", or the use of coercive power?

A: The consistent use of I-Messages (as opposed to You-Messages or power) usually results in a closer, more mutually respectful relationship, especially if you also help the other when s/he has a problem. I-Messages only "wear out" if they continue to be used repeatedly when, in fact, the situation is an unacknowledged Conflict of Needs or Values Collision. Remedy: Switch to Method III or the Values Options.

Q: Am I doomed to send nothing but I-Messages from now on and to seeing all other ways of influencing people's behavior as "no-no's"?

A: No. You can ask or request someone to do something, or to change their behavior. The critical issue here is that a request is not fair unless you're willing to accept either yes or no for an answer.

Q: What is wrong with I-Messages that deal with my perception of the other person's attitudes (for example, that the other person is inconsiderate, rude, negative, rejecting, or uncaring)?

A: These are usually ineffective--except occasionally in primary relationships, such as with spouses or close friends, in which the issue of caring is paramount. And even then, unless the other is very secure and undefensive, these messages are hard to handle. The reasons why messages about the other's attitude are usually ineffective are:

• No matter how one dresses them up, they are always You-Messages--the problem is identified as the fault of the other person.
• The tangible effect of another's attitude on the sender is not clear and, therefore, not very motivating.
• They almost never square with the other's self-perception--the other has only been trying to meet some personal need. Trying to convince him/her his/her goal-seeking behavior entailed a bad attitude as well simply stirs up unproductive resistance.
• And, finally, even if I am correct, how can I change another's insides anyway?

In these situations, the best and truest I-Message is often, "When I experience you (behavior), I feel concerned and it is interfering with the quality of our relationship." Such courageous self-disclosure can work wonders.*

*Excerpt from Dr. Thomas Gordon's F.E.T. Adult Resource book

How Do I "Shift Gears"?

Shifting Gears with Active Listening

Although you'll be surprised how often others respond constructively and helpfully after hearing your I-Messages, you should expect occasionally to hear resistance, defensiveness, guilt, denial, discomfort or hurt feelings. It's understandable that I-Messages sometimes provoke these responses. They confront others with the prospect of having to change some behavior. People are often surprised or shocked to hear how you feel, and certainly don't like to be told their behavior is unacceptable or that it caused you a problem, even if by chance you've sent a perfect I-Message.

So, when you hear these not-so-uncommon responses to your I-Messages, it is useless to keep hammering at the other with repeated assertive messages.

When you hear resistance or some other feeling-reaction to your I-Message, you'll need to make a quick shift and back off from a sending/assertive posture to a listening/understanding posture. Such a shift will communicate that you want to be sensitive to the feelings your self-disclosure brought out in the other. This shifting gears (think of it as shifting from a going-forward gear to a backing-up gear) lets others know you are not out to get your needs met at their expense. Although you're not ready to abandon your needs, you want to empathize and understand the nature of the problem your assertive I0Message caused the person to whom it was directed. This often leads to seeking a compromise solution.

Because Shifting Gears to listening acknowledges the others' feelings, they often decide on their own to modify their behavior. People find it easier to change if they feel the other person understands how hard it might be.

When you "shift gears" after confrontation in order to hear the concerns of the other person, several important goals will be achieved.

1. You want to demonstrate concern for and acceptance of the person who is now experiencing a problem as a result of our I-Message confrontation.
2. You want to understand the other person's communication and let that person know that you do understand by feeding back his/her message.
3. You want to help the other ventilate, to release the negative feelings, to feel relieved.
4. You want to help the other take primary responsibility for handling the needs and feelings that are the basis of his of her concerns.

Here are some of the various ways you can "shift gears":

• A simple acknowledgment of the other's reaction to your I-Message:

"I see."

"You have some feelings about this."

"I understand how it happened."

"That's the way you see it, and I understand."

"Say more, so I'll understand."

• The simplest way to shift gears is just to stop sending and listen passively.
• The most effective way to shift gears is to use Active Listening, which is simply a restatement of the other person's response to your I-Message in your own words.*

Stay tuned for tomorrow post about Active Listening and how to do it!

*Excerpt from Dr. Thomas Gordon's F.E.T. Adult Resource book

What is A Positive I-Message?

Positive I-Messages Enhance and Strengthen Relationships

One of the most enriching forms of self-disclosure is the Positive I-Message. These are messages that exclusively describe parents' positive feelings toward their children. Although kids do plenty of things that are a problem for parents, they also say and do many things that are a pleasure, often helping a parent in unexpected ways or displaying kindness, maturity, considerateness, or good humor just when it's needed most. When these behaviors occur, it is appropriate and important for parents to disclose any genuine positive feelings they have about them.

Unfortunately, many parents are only self-disclosing when they are upset their child's behavior. This is clearly appropriate self-disclosure, but the important point is that parents should disclose both their feelings of unacceptance and acceptance. Positive I-Messages that express appreciation, love, enjoyment, and affection toward children (spouse, friends, and others) can contribute greatly to warmer, closer, and more enjoyable relationships. Very young children, with their budding self-esteem and desire to be a "helper," seem especially to thrive on Positive I-Messages.

Consider the value for you, your children, or others in the following examples of Positive I-Messages:

"I really like the story you wrote, James."

"I was so proud when I heard you telling those kids you wouldn't lie to cover them!"

"Honey, I really love you."

It is important that Positive I-Messages not be used to manipulate or "shape" a child's behavior. Such ulterior motives invariably come through to the child and make your sincerity suspect. The Positive I-Message should be a "no-strings attached" expression of acceptance and acknowledgement.

Even though changing your child should not be the motive, parents who express a lot of positive feelings toward their children are often automatically rewarded with less unacceptable behavior, more trust, mutual respect and cooperation, more affection and caring. Like honesty, warmth and affection are highly contagious in families!*

Happy Positive I-Messaging!

*Excerpt from Dr. Thomas Gordon's P.E.T. Participant Workbook

How Do I Clear Send in The No-Problem Area?

CLEAR SENDING IN THE NO-PROBLEM AREA

Letting Them Know The Real You

In the P.E.T. course, self-disclosing messages are referred to as I-Messages. An I-Message is a communication about the self--the "I".

An I-Message is authentic, honest, and congruent--reflecting the actual nature and strength of your thoughts and feelings. It is a clear message, understandable, and to the point, not masked in indirect or vague language.

Declarative I-Messages Are The Basic Form of Self-Disclosure

They are the declaration to others of your beliefs, ideas, likes, dislikes, feelings, thoughts, reaction--or any other statement that helps others know you better and understand how you are experiencing your life.

Some Examples of Declarative I-Messages:

"I believe the homework that your teacher's given you is really important."

"I think that we should have a military draft."

"I feel discouraged about how much things cost these days."

"I know you disagree strongly, yet I got real value from the first parent-faculty meeting, and I think we should give it a real chance."

Preventive I-Messages Stop Trouble Before It Starts

Another important type of self-disclosure is one that lets your children and others know of some future need that you want to meet; that anticipates what you want to do or see happen. Such a message, because it clearly describes how you want events to turn out, greatly increases the chances that others will adjust their actions so as not to block what you need. Such message may prevent a conflict. Such Preventive I-Messages are especially appropriate in the home. An example, familiar to every parent, is the announcement of the time dinner will be ready so that the children can finish what they're doing and, ideally, help out in the kitchen!

Some examples of Preventive I-Messages:

"I need some uninterrupted time tonight so I can get the bills paid."

"I'd like to hear of your weekend plans this evening so we can work out transportation ahead of time."

"I'd love to come to dinner. Please remember, I don't eat meat."

"I'd like to set a limit on our holiday spending this year."

Positive I-Messages Enhance and Strengthen Relationships

One of the most enriching forms of self-disclosure is the Positive I-Message. These are messages that exclusively describe parents' positive feelings toward their children. Although kids do plenty of things that are a problem for parents, they also say and do many things that are a pleasure, often helping a parent in unexpected ways or displaying kindness, maturity, considerateness, or good humor just when it's needed most. When these behaviors occur, it is appropriate and important for parents to disclose any genuine positive feelings they have about them.

Unfortunately, many parents are only self-disclosing when they are upset with their child's behavior. This is clearly appropriate self-disclosure, but the important point is that parents should disclose both their feelings of unacceptance and acceptance. Positive I-Messages that express appreciation, love, enjoyment, and affection toward children (spouse, friends, and others) can contribute greatly to warmer, closer, and more enjoyable relationships. Very young children, with their budding self-esteem and desire to be a "helper", seem especially to thrive on Positive I-Messages.

Consider the value for you, your children, or others in the following examples of Positive I-Messages:

"I appreciate how quiet you were when I was paying the bills. I did it a lot faster, thanks to you!"

"I really like the story you wrote, James."

"I was so proud when I heard you telling those kids you wouldn't lie to cover them!"

"Honey, I really love you."

It is important that Positive I-Messages not be used to manipulate or "shape" a child's behavior. Such ulterior motives invariably come through to the child and make your sincerity suspect. The Positive I-Message should be a "no-strings attached" expression of acceptance and acknowledgement.

Even though changing your child should not be the motive, parents who express a lot of positive feelings toward their children are often automatically rewarded with less unacceptable behavior, more trust, mutual respect and cooperation, more affection and caring. Like honesty, warmth and affection are highly contagious in families!

*Excerpt from the P.E.T. Participant Workbook

What Are The Benefits To Self-Disclosure?

Self-Disclosure Benefits You and Your Relationships

Although there are some risks in being self-disclosing, the potential benefits are overwhelming--both for yourself and for your relationships with others, especially your children. These benefits include:

Knowing Yourself Better

When you disclose yourself to your children and others, you are, at the same time, talking to yourself, keeping in touch with your own thoughts and feelings, values, and beliefs. You maintain awareness, responsibility, and control of your inner experiences.

Liking Yourself Better

You feel better about yourself as a parent, and as a person, when you are open, honest, and clear with your children; when you express who you are and what you think and believe, you feel strong, responsible, confident.

Being Better Understood By Others

Your self-disclosure leads to a more accurate understanding by others of who you really are. Your children will know the important thoughts, feelings, and values you want them to know. They won't be confused, in the dark, and worried about where you stand on certain issues. Tension and uncertainty will be replaced by a new, secure awareness of who you really are.

Encouraging Self-Disclosure In Your Child

Your openness, directness, and sincerity will invariably encourage the same from your children and from others around you. Honesty is very contagious in families when it is modeled by the parent, along with the attitude that the home is a "safe place" for everyone to express true thoughts and feelings. Generally, this kind of self-disclosure draws families closer together. Indifference, alienation, and tension recede. Trust and mutual caring take their place.

Conflicts Are Prevented

The other members of your family can better meet your needs when they have a clear picture of what you want. The chances of having conflicts with your children resulting from unknown or uncommunicated needs are thus greatly reduced. Expressing yourself openly and clearly will eliminate unwanted surprise, unpreparedness, and the unexpected from your relationships. In a family where openness and genuineness prevail, tension, resentment, and silent suffering simply have no opportunity to grow.

What Is The Key To Assertiveness?

The key to assertiveness is self-disclosure--knowing what you value, need, and want and sharing those thoughts and feelings "with your children, your spouse, and others". Self-disclosure is important because many of our needs must be met through our relationships. Indeed, we often must gain the cooperation of our children, family members, or others to get what we want--to meet our goals as parents and as persons.

Self-disclosure is communication which describes you, your inner experiences, literally--your self. Self-disclosing messages are about your beliefs and ideas, your likes and dislikes, your feelings, thoughts, and reactions. Self-disclosing message let your children and others know how you feel and where you stand.

Self-disclosure is obviously easiest when we perceive that others share or agree with our own experience. Asserting ourselves is more difficult when we risk disagreement and resistance from others. We often fear opening ourselves up to possible judgment, evaluation, or criticism from others. Should I tell my husband how I feel about certain things? What might result? Can I share my values with my teenager without "turning her off"? Can I tell my friend about her irritating behavior without losing her friendship? Can I speak up at the school meeting without others feeling I'm a "trouble maker"? These are hard, sometimes frightening decisions to make. Our willingness to self-disclose, then, is largely determine by our feelings of trust in the intentions of the other person to support us or hurt us.

Ingredients of Effective Communication

You want your communications to be heard, understood and responded to in positive ways. Three key ingredients make this possible as well as help you to build and keep strong relationships with your children, partner and others. These communication ingredients include being:

1. Clear - simple uncomplicated and understandable. You as the sender need to be sure that what you are saying is presented in a way that makes it easy for the receiver, child or adult, to get your message and it's meaning. Keeping your communication short and simple saves time and prevents frustration.
2. Congruent - what you think and feel is what you need to show and say. When you tell our child one thing but your face and body language say something else, it sends mixed messages and creates confusion. Children as well as adults usually believe what they see over what is said if the send is not congruent.
3. Connected - it is important to be aware of who you are talking to and how that child or adult communicates. You as the sender need to be on the child's "wave length", communicating at his speed and using words and language the child or other person is comfortable with. If your child feels you are connected to her and her world, she will be much more apt to pay attention and listen to what you have to say.*

Find out Thursday what the benefits are for you and your relationships when you Self-disclose...

*Excerpt from Dr. Thomas Gordon's P.E.T. Participant Workbook

What Else is Unique About Family Effectiveness Training?

How the Marital Relationship Affects Children

This training program is unique in emphasizing the profound effect on children of the quality of their parents' marriage relationship. The way husbands and wives relate to each other becomes perhaps the strongest model for the behavior of their children.

Unless parents learn how to build a loving, stable, and peaceful relationship with each other, they are unlikely to build such a relationship with their children.

This training will provide family members with an easy-to-use step-by-step procedure they can quickly learn to peacefully resolve their conflicts. Recent research evidence shows that marital conflicts are inevitable, but they are less likely to lead to unhappiness or divorce when the partners have good conflict-resolution skills, good listening skills and good self-disclosure skills.

Parenting Made Much Easier

You'll find, as many other parents have, that parenting need not be as complex, difficult, exasperating and time-consuming as so many other books and parent education programs make it seem.

When you learn and use the skills in the Gordon Model for effective parenting, here are some of the things you'll discover:

• You won't have to be "an all-knowing super-parent" with answers to each of the countless problems every child experiences. Why? Because you will learn a single communication skill that will influence your children to come up with their own best solutions. We call that "empowering your child" of "fostering independence and self-confidence."

• You won't have to spend your valuable time reminding and nagging your child (or your spouse) to do what they said they would do. Why? Because you will learn a procedure that greatly increases peoples' motivation to keep their promises and commitments.

• You won't have to experience the pain and frustration of arguments that never get settled or serious conflicts that lead to anger and tears. Why? Because you will learn a communication skill that effectively prevents a lot of conflicts. And then you'll learn that certain conflicts are still inevitable in marriages, but there is a procedure you can use to resolve those conflicts peacefully--so nobody loses, both win.

Skills Not Solutions

This training is unique in deliberately refraining from giving family members solutions to their innumerable and various problems. Now you are probably thinking, "What in the world do we get in this training we can't use your expertise to give us good solutions?" The answer is that Family Effectiveness Training will teach a few learnable skills and procedures that will then enable family members to find their own unique solutions to their unique problems. It will empower you and other family members to be problem-solvers. You may have heard the following principle that describes empowerment:

"Give people a fish and you'll feed them for one day; teach them how to fish and you feed them for a lifetime."

That is what the Gordon Training skills will do.

Besides that, because families and their members are so very different there is seldom one best solution for the same problem in every family. So don't expect advice about how to handle money, relate with in-laws, spend more time together or any of the hundreds of problems families experience.

Clear Sending in the No-Problem Area

Letting Them Know The Real You

In this course, self-disclosing messages are referred to as I-Messages. An I-Message is a communication about the self—the “I”.

An I-Message is authentic, honest, and congruent—reflecting the actual nature and strength of your thoughts and feelings. It is a clear message, understandable, and to the point, not masked in indirect or vague language.

Declarative I-Messages Are The Basic Form of Self-Disclosure

They are the declaration to others of your beliefs, ideas, likes, dislikes, feelings, thoughts, reactions—or any other statement that helps others know you better and understand how you are experiencing your life.

Some Examples of Declarative I-Messages:

“I believe the homework that your teacher’s given you is really important.”

“I think that we should have a military draft.”

“I feel discouraged about how much things cost these days.”

“I know you disagree strongly, yet I got real value from the first parent-faculty meeting, and I think we should give it a real chance.”

Preventive I-Messages Stop Trouble Before It Starts

Another important type of self-disclosure is one that lets your children and others know of some future need that you want to meet; it anticipates what you want to do or see happen. Such a message, because it clearly describes how you want events to turn out, greatly increases the chances that others will adjust their actions so as not to block what you need. Such a message may prevent a conflict. Such Preventive I-Messages are especially appropriate in the home. An example, familiar to every parent, is the announcement of the time dinner will be ready so that the children can finish what they’re doing and, ideally, help out in the kitchen!

Some examples of Preventive I-Messages:

“I need some uninterrupted time tonight so I can get the bills paid.”

“I’d like to hear of your weekend plans this evening so we can work out transportation ahead of time.”

“I’d love to come to dinner. Please remember, I don’t eat meat.”

"I’d like to set a limit on our holiday spending this year.”

Positive I-Messages Enhance and Strengthen Relationships

One of the most enriching forms of self-disclosure is the Positive I-Message. These are messages that exclusively describe parents’ positive feelings toward their children. Although kids do plenty of things that are a problem for parents, they also say and do many things that are a pleasure, often helping a parent in unexpected ways or displaying kindness, maturity, considerateness, or good humor just when it’s needed the most. When these behaviors occur, it is appropriate and important for parents to disclose any genuine positive feelings they have about them.

Unfortunately, many parents are only self-disclosing when they are upset with their child’s behavior. This is clearly appropriate self-disclosure, but the important point is that parents should disclose both their feelings of unacceptance and acceptance. Positive I-Messages that express appreciation, love, enjoyment, and affection toward children (spouse, friends, and others) can contribute greatly to warmer, closer, and more enjoyable relationships. Very young children, with their budding self-esteem and desire to be a “helper,” seem especially to thrive on Positive I-Messages.

Consider the value for you, your children, or others in the following examples of Positive I-Messages:

“I appreciate how quiet you were when I was paying the bills. I did it a lot faster, thanks to you!”

“I really like the story you wrote, James.”

"I was so proud when I heard you telling those kids you wouldn’t lie to cover them!”

“Honey, I really love you.”

It is important that Positive I-Message not be used to manipulate or “shape” a child’s behavior. Such ulterior motives invariably come through to the child and make your sincerity suspect. The Positive I-Message should be a “no-strings attached” expression of acceptance and acknowledgement.

Even though changing your child should not be the motive, parents who express a lot of positive feelings toward their children are often automatically rewarded with less unacceptable behavior, more trust, mutual respect and cooperation, more affection and caring. Like honesty, warmth and affection are highly contagious in families!

Self-Disclosure Benefits to You and Your Relationship

Self-discloure is communication which describes you, your inner experiences, literally--your self. Self-disclosing messages are about your beliefs and ideas, your likes and dislikes, your feelings, thoughts, and reactions. Self-disclosing messages let your children and others know how you feel and where you stand.

Although there are some risks in being self-disclosing, the potential benefits are overwhelming--both for yourself and for your relationships with others, especially your children. These benefits include:

Knowing Yourself Better

When you disclose yourself to your children and others, you are, at the same time, talking to yourself, keeping in touch with your own thoughts and feelings, values, and beliefs. You maintain awareness, responsibility, and control of your inner experiences.

Liking Yourself Better

You feel better about yourself as a parent, and as a person, when you are open, honest, and clear with your children; when you express who you are and what you think and believe, you feel strong, responsible, confident.

Being Better Understood By Others

Your self-disclosure leads to a more accurate understanding by others of who you really are. Your children will know the important thoughts, feelings, and values you want them to know. They won't be confused, in the dark, and worried about where you stand on certain issues. Tension and uncertainty will be replaced by a new, secure awareness of who you reall are.

Encouraging Self-Disclosure In Your Child

Your openness, directness, and sincerity will invariably encourage the same from your children and from others around you. Honesty is very contagious in families when it is modeled by the parent, along with the attitude that the home is a "safe place" for everyone to express true thoughts and feelings. Generally, this kind of self-disclosure draws families closer together. Indifference, alienation, and tension recede. Trust and mutual caring take their place.

Conflicts Are Prevented

The other members of your family can better meet your needs when they have a clear picture of what you want. The chances of having conflicts with your children resulting from unknown or uncommunicated needs are thus greatly reduced. Expressing yourself openly and clearly will eliminate unwanted surprise, unpreparedness, and the unexpected from your relationships. In a family where openness and genuineness prevail, tension, resentment, and silent suffering simply have no opportunity to grow.

For more on how to use effective self-disclosure, email info@gordontraining.com, or check out the P.E.T. book.