Disclosure Versus Disarray

Christmas Gifts You Wish They Hadn't Gotten

The ugly Bill Cosby sweater, the delicious fruit cake, the...gulp...Crocs! You know where I'm going with this - Every year, poor suckers everywhere become the reluctant recipients of such undesirable gifts. You don't quite know how to handle it, but the "put-a-smile-on-your-face-and-say-thank-you" voice in your head always chimes in. Maybe it's the hesitancy of shattering the look of excitement on your mother-in-law's face, or perhaps it's the guilt of seeming ungrateful, but one thing is for sure: we've all had our turn playing the part of the begrudgingly thankful beneficiary.

Such is the case with *certain* gifts that will inevitably be given to your children as well. Not the kangaroo underwear and socks combo from grandma (which is a whole other story), but the ones that you as the parent really wish your children hadn't received. Perhaps yours is the household that is overflowing with miniature toy cars and couldn't possibly make room for another. Or maybe you've been careful about what kinds of video games your children play with. In any case, most parents have at least one dreaded item on their "Please Don't Get This For My Kid" list.

But how do you tastefully tell someone what not to get your children? It seems so uncomfortable, so awkward...

Of course the best way to solve a problem is to prevent it from occurring in the first place. The Preventive I-Message is a tool used to communicate information and emotions in hopes to prevent a problem from happening in the future. Like all I-Messages, it should have three parts: (1) the behavior, (2) the feeling and (3) the effect. Letting people know all three components is critical, as it is the most effective way to let someone know exactly where you're coming from - and even - put them in your shoes.

Here's what it might look like:

We're nervous about Wyatt getting any more cars for Christmas because he already has so many that we can hardly keep up with the mess it creates when he plays with them. 

- or- 

Since he is so impressionable right now, we're worried that if Lucas gets that video game, we might have more issues at the playground if he tries to imitate the violence he sees from it. 

By communicating in this way, you're letting others in on some useful information about what is or isn't okay with you, which they may not have otherwise known. (And the same rule applies when you want to avoid being the recipient of a pair of monogrammed granny panties. We know, the ones from your birthday are gonna last you for years to come!)

Still, some people will be simply determined to get your kids what they want regardless of what you tell them and this won't always solve every instance of receiving unwanted gifts. But as Dr. Gordon wrote, "A Preventive I-Message in time might save nine [out of ten] confrontations."

This holiday season, give yourselves and your loved ones the gift of solving the problem before it happens. You may very well end up with one less item to add to the donation pile. We'll keep our fingers crossed for you. ;)

by: Selena George at Gordon Training International 

Can You Active Listen in a Text Message?

In a world continually swamped with technology, it's no surprise that the average person now spends more time typing than they do talking over the course of an average workday. Text messaging spares no subject matter. Personally, I have shared deep sentiments, philosophical debates and even conflicts, all from my beloved iPhone. With P.E.T. in mind, Active-"Listening" is very much a possibility. While P.E.T. states that effective Active-Listening should feedback what you "see and hear" from another person (who is experiencing a problem), there's no reason why we can't attempt to do our best via texting as well. You may not be getting the non-verbal messages that you would face-to-face, but hey, that's why emoticons were invented, right?

This is a transcript of a real text conversation between a Mom (M), while she was taking a P.E.T. Instructor Training Workshop, and her Daughter (E). Her daughter’s friends are represented by Briana  Gina, Rachel and Justine. (Names have been changed to ensure privacy).

M: Hey baby, how was your day? 

E: Good, Briana wasn't so nice to me and ruined my day. 

M: You sound upset sweetie. 

E: Yes because I was with Briana and Gina comes and I say hi because I was happy to see her and she doesn't even answer back and pushes me away!! What is happening??  : - o  : - o  : - o 

M: I can see that you felt ignored by Gina. 

E: She always treats me badly. 

M: So you feel she doesn't respect you. 

E: Today I said hi after going trick a treating on the school street and she completely ignored me just because she’s jealous of me that she doesn't have the amazing parents I have – that love like you love me. And because she doesn't have friends like Briana and she’s jealous just because she wants to be like me. 

M: So you are feeling that she’s jealous of what you have and at the same time you are sad because you want your friendship to be the same as before. 

E: The thing is that when I’m with Briana and Gina arrives she only greets Briana and says come here and bla bla bla and takes Briana away from me and I HATE when she does that. I HATE it. 

M: I can see it really makes you angry that Gina only spends time with Briana and you feel lonely. 

E: No I don’t feel lonely because I have Rachel and Justine it’s just that Gina always takes what I am using or what she shouldn't be taking away because I’m with someone or something. 

M: It make you angry that Gina wants what you have and you don’t want to tell her not to do it.
E: Yeah and she just gets jealous because I’m with Briana. 

M: So you feel that she’s jealous that you have more time with Briana because you’re in the same school. 

E: I don’t know, but when she joins us she has to take Briana away and I don’t like it because it bothers me so much. 

M: So you get upset when Gina takes Briana away and you can’t really find the words or the way to tell her that what she does bothers you. 

E: Yes. Exactamondo!!! The best answer ever xoxoxo 

(PAUSE/SILENCE) 

So what are you doing? 

M: It makes me happy to listen to you baby and that you want to share this with me : ), : - ) : - )   : - ) 

E: Me too mom. I love you!!  : - D   : - D   : - D 

M: Me too!!!

What do you think? Let us know!

by: Selena George, P.E.T. Program Manager

There Is Only One Real "I-Message"

The I-Message is now a term that is commonly used. Since the origination of the I-Message by Dr. Thomas Gordon in 1962, the term has been borrowed, misrepresented and generally watered-down. While the intention still aims at effectively confronting another in order to get your needs met, there is a true science and research behind Dr. Gordon's three part I-Message. Without each necessary piece, it simply will not work.

In hopes to bring clarity to this commonly misunderstood term, President of Gordon Training International, Linda Adams, explains what an authentic I-Message really is:


"As developed by Dr. Gordon and as taught in all of our courses for parents, teachers and leaders, the I-Message has three parts:  1) A non-blameful description of the unacceptable behavior; 2) the concrete effect that behavior has on the sender; and 3) the feeling the sender has about that effect.  In short, an I-Message includes:   Behavior, Effect, Feelings.  Examples of an I-Message from a parent to a child:  “When the music is on so loud, I can’t concentrate on my work and that frustrates me” or “I was upset when the gas tank was almost on empty and I had to stop and get gas which made me late for work.”  It doesn’t matter which order these three parts are in, just that they are all there.

The I-Message doesn’t contain a request or suggestion or solution about what the child or other person should do or what concrete action should be taken. An I-Message leaves responsibility with the other person to change their behavior out of consideration for the needs of the sender.      

There’s another essential skill that’s needed with most I-Messages.  Because people don’t usually like to hear that their behavior is interfering with someone else, they often respond in a defensive or resistant way.  So the I-Message sender needs to be prepared to Active Listen to that resistance and hear the other person’s feelings in order to give the I-Message a better chance of being heard and responded to in a positive way."

Is It Ever Okay to Use Power Methods With Children?

  It has become a joke with those of us who teach P.E.T. that in almost every new class some parent will challenge the validity or limits of Method III by one of two questions:

"But what if your kid runs into the street in front of a car? Don't you have to use Method I?"

"But what if your kid gets sever appendicitis? Don't you have to use Method I to make her go to the hospital?"

  Our answer to both these questions is "Yes, of course." These are crisis situations that demand immediate and firm action. Yet prior to the crisis of the child's running in front of a car or needing to be taken to the hospital, non power methods can be used.

  If a child develops a habit of running int the street, a parent might first try to talk to the child about the dangers of cars, walk her around the edge of the yard, and tell her that anything beyond is not safe, show her a picture of a child hit by a car, build a fence around the yard, or watch her when she is playing in the front yard for a couple of days, reminding her each time when she goes beyond the limits. Even if I took the punishment approach, I would never risk my child's life on the assumption that punishment alone would keep her from going into the street. I would want to employ more certain methods in any event.

- excerpted from "Aren't There Times When Method I Has To Be Used" in Dr. Thomas Gordon's Parent Effectiveness Training (P.E.T.) book

image: http://www.littleheartsbooks.com/2012/06/10/youre-not-the-boss-of-me/

How to Get Your Kids to Do Their Chores

(...Without Nagging Them!)

Let us first remind ourselves of the old, straight-forward theory which tells us that generally, people don't like to be "told what to do". This absolutely includes kids. It's no wonder that kids need to constantly be reminded of what they were supposed to do - they don't want to be doing it in the first place! But with some guidance from the Gordon Model and bit of psychological insight, we think we can help.

In most households, here's how chores are usually delegated:

Mom: "I need you to wash the dishes, clean up your room, feed the dog and take him for a walk."
Child: "I don't feel like it."
Mom: "Do it!"
Child: "Fine."

There's one way to get a child to "agree" to do something! His willingness is lacking and his compliance is artificial. The mother will likely need to remind him: "You said you would do the chores I asked! Why aren't they done? Do them now - I won't ask you again." Adding a tinge of threat here might get your child to do what he's told (for the time being, at least*) but will likely entice him to resist even more. Not only are you telling him what to do without any reason or consideration of what he is needing to do, but your reminding/nagging him comes across as condescending; as if he isn't intelligent enough to remember. This holds true for nagging in all shapes and forms.

Now let's consider two important Gordon Model skills to help in this situation:

1. The Preventive I-Message: These types of I-Messages are useful in preventing problems from occurring in the first place. They give the listener (the child, in this case) important information that they will need to know for the future. For example, you are having guests over for dinner and you would like your child to have his toys picked up off the floor before a certain time of day. Remember that the I-Message must have all three parts to increase the probability that it will be effective. Using this example, here is an I-Message that could be used: "I need to have the toys off the floor by 5 pm when the neighbors will be arriving, so that I don't feel embarrassed about inviting guests into a messy home and don't have to take up extra time that I will need to finish preparing dinner."
2. Method III: The No-Lose Method to resolving conflicts is the perfect skill to use when it comes to chore-setting. Many things are in play here. First off, is the principle of participation, which says that a person is more motivated to carry out a decision that he has been a part of making, versus a decision that has been made on his behalf, without his consent. Secondly, Method III considers the needs of everyone involved. It could still, for example, allow the kids to watch their favorite show at the same time every night, while also lessening the burden of all the household duties on just Mom or Dad. Method III must be carried out in all six parts in order to be the most effective. More on Method III - including the numerous positive side effects - can be found in Chapter 11 of the P.E.T. book.

Parents must also remember that none of these are guaranteed quick-fixes for the conflicts in your family. But with time, practice, and a constant consideration for the needs of others, the benefits of using the Gordon Model skills are truly astonishing.

Try it for yourself and let us know how it worked for you. Feel free to always comment below or on our Facebook page.

* See Chapter 10 of the P.E.T. book to read the effects of parental power on Children

Do Schools Deny Your Children of Their Civil Rights?

Excerpted from the Chapter "The Other Parents of Your Children" in the Parent Effectiveness Training book, by Dr. Thomas Gordon:

      In most schools, students are blatantly denied civil rights - the right of free speech, the right to wear their hair as they prefer, the right to wear the clothes they like, the right to dissent. Schools also deny children the right to refuse to testify against themselves, and if kids get into trouble, administrators seldom follow the customary procedures of "due process of law" guaranteed to citizens by the judicial system

     Is this a distorted picture of schools? I think not. Many other observers of the school system are seeing the same deficiencies. Furthermore, one need only ask youngsters how they feel about schools and schoolteachers. Many kids say they hate school and that their teachers treat them disrespectfully and unfairly. Most kids come to esperience school as a place where they must go; they experience learning as something that is seldom pleasant or fun; they experience studying as tedious work; and they see their teachers as unfriendly police officers. 

     When children are assigned to adults whose treatment of them producessuch negative reactions, parents cannot be expected to shoulder all the blame for the way their kids turn out. Parents can be blames, yes, but other adults must share the blame.

 How closely do you think this relates to your child's school or learning environment? Let us know your thoughts. Please feel free to comment here or on our Facebook page.

Do Kids Really Need to be "Toughened Up" for the Real World?

Some parents believe that their children should be treated with the use of punitive power in order to prepare them for the "real world".

This belief leans toward the idea that in the crass adult world, kids need to be "toughened up" in their childhood in order to survive as grown-ups. Those who belong to this school of thought believe that this tough love should be shown in form of punishment and the use of punitive, parental power. 

Here's why this theory is amiss:

Let's start with the general idea that parents want their children to grow up to become responsible, capable adults. They raise their children to show them the differences between "right and wrong" and the skills needed to fulfill their basic needs. Growing up, children learn a language for communicating with others, how to use numbers, how to drive, etc. Very few of these children take a course that teaches how to communicate effectively with others in order to get their needs met, especially during times of conflict. They learn how to talk with people and how to problem solve by mimicking what their parents do. After all, "modeling" is the most powerful way to teach anyone, anything.

In a world where most of us grow up with the use of punishment and parental superiority, it's no wonder that the "real world" we are planted in is so tough. Imagine millions of crying, whining adults scolding each other, telling each other what to do, striking out in anger and stepping on the heads of others; all of this in attempt to get some need met. The inadequacy of trying to solve problems this way is monumental.

Let's delve deeper into the mind of a child raised this way. What happens to the human psyche when our needs are met with threats, commands, blame, judgement and name-calling (just to name a few)?

These common reactions to children produce a countless number of side-effects. When a child begins to fear a parent, they are also hearing a threat of getting hurt by someone bigger and stronger than they are. While the power might work to modify the child's behavior for the moment, the child will almost ALWAYS fester resentment, which will trigger hostile responses in the future. Alternatively, this may cause a child to become submissive and fearful. 

Parents' use of demanding or ordering their children to do something communicate to the child that the parent does not have faith in the child's own judgement or capability. Patterns like this create reluctance in decision-making and an inability to problem-solve on their own, simply because they haven't been given the chance to practice using their own judgement. The common thought here would be, "I always do it wrong so why try?"

Criticizing and name-calling have some of the worst effects on children. Dr. Thomas Gordon wrote, "A child's self-concept gets shaped by parental judgement and evaluation. As the parent judges the child, so will the child judge himself." Like adults, children will respond with defensiveness even in cases disguised as "constructive criticism." In order to protect their own self image, children can become very hostile in the face of blame, ridicule and disagreement.

Stepping out from behind the microscope, we know how and why punitive parenting causes hostile and apprehensive adults. The failure of many marriages, business partnerships and friendships can be found as a result of "how you were raised" versus "how he/she was raised." It's important to know that the true test of a relationship isn't how many conflicts occur, but rather, how each conflict is handled. Gordon said conflict to be the "true test of a relationship."

When one learns how to deal with their own feelings AND the intense feelings of others, while accomplishing the common goal of each person getting what they need WITHOUT having to compromise, our work here is done.
 By now, you might be wondering: "How can I do that?!" Well, ahem, there are half a dozen books that can explain it all! Check out the work of Dr. Thomas Gordon and Linda Adams here.

And as always, let us know what you think.

written by: Selena George

Answer to Last Week's Parenting Question: Safety

Greetings all,

Here is the question we chose to answer from last week's invite to ask us a parenting question:


While reading P.E.T. I had many a-hah moments more so when I remembered going on L.E.T. years earlier. But I'm still frustrated in implementing some of this with low verbal toddlers. I'm working on it though, making mistakes but still trying. Any extra information would be appreciated even better if it helps me deal with twin toddlers with different base personalities (which is a good thing) and different levels of verbal abilities.


My specific question revolves around those things that are direct safety issues. No, they don't "have" to hold my hand while crossing a road but they can't dash across the street on their own. Yes, they can fill and turn on the kettle but they can't play in the water that comes out of it (no matter how much they scream). How do I get across that something is dangerous without demonstrating the consequences (fire burns, sharp knives poked into your brother will cut him etc). I want them to question things but there really are some things around safety where mommy does know best.


Dear  Selmada,

Thank you for submitting your question here on the P.E.T. blog. It's cool to hear that you've taken L.E.T. as well! It sounds like L.E.T. gave you a good foundation before reading the P.E.T. book.

First, your question about toddlers with different speech levels and personalities is relevant to two things: (1) the behavior window and (2) using I-Messages with young children.

You might notice your level of acceptance change between both of the children. Each child is an individual as well, and just as our acceptance levels change from person to person, so do they with our own children. More on this is outlines in Chapter One of the P.E.T. book.

As for using the skills with very young children, you will learn that there are ways of listening to AND talking to kids this young by using nonverbal messages and the like. As Thomas Gordon wrote in the P.E.T. book, "It is a misperception that Active Listening is useful only for children old enough to talk." By showing or "acting it out" instead of using speech, you can help determine what your child needs or what he might be saying to you. More on this is in Chapter Five of the P.E.T. book.

Lastly, you sound confused about how to use P.E.T. with safety issues. It wounds silly to send your children an I-Message right before they are about to seriously injure themselves. Here is the only exception to using your parental power to interfere before your child gets hurt. When safety is a concern, do whatever means necessary to get them out of danger. You might want to preface these things by using Preventive I-Messages (before an incident occurs), Confrontive I-Messages (during or after an incident), or even by modifying the environment to prevent any accidents from occurring. Of course, there is much more on this throughout the P.E.T. book.



I hope this helps answer your questions and please feel free to follow up.  :)

(P.S. Please email us to give your shipping information for your free book and sticker: info@gordontraining.com.)

How To Know If P.E.T. Is Right For You?

So you've decided that you want to learn more about being a "better" parent. After all, it is widely considered to be the most important job you can ever take on. While that's true, you might also be realizing that you have no experience, skill or education on how to effectively raise a responsible and happy child. The stuff that you're trying now just isn't working and you feel terrible every time you yell at your kids. The future generation is in YOUR hands! Now what?

Well first of all, kudos to you for taking the first step in seeking knowledge about how to manage important duty.

You might ask yourself a few questions like:

• Does punishment really work? 
• Is compromise necessary? 
• Should parents hold the power?
• Are there other skills out there that you've never even heard of?

Since we know that you won't just go out and purchase the first parenting book that you come across (promise us you won't do that!), we've broken down and eight of the most common parent training programs out there and compared them with our Parent Effectiveness Training (P.E.T.)

In the article, you will find P.E.T. compared with:

1. Parent Effectiveness Training (P.E.T.)
2. Nonviolent Communication (N.V.C.)
3. How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk
4. Systematic Training for Effective Parenting (S.T.E.P.)
5. Active Parenting
6. Love and Logic
7. Triple P (Positive Parenting Program)
8. Dare to Discipline

To read the comparison, click here to find the article: Parenting Program Comparison

Comment below, let us know what you think!

Parenting With Love

Long time P.E.T. Instructor, Kathryn, explains the difference between authoritarian parenting styles versus parenting with P.E.T. Watch this touching video to hear about her experience:

Let us know what you think - please comment and share!

What Type of Anger Personality Do You Have?

In P.E.T., Instructors teach many valuable tools to communicate more effectively, specifically when it comes to expressing your own feelings. In the workshop, we practice the use of sharing our positive or negative feelings via I-Messages. The funny thing is, some parents tend to have a longer list of those negative ones!

Anger and frustration are emotions commonly shared among most (if not all) parents. From time to time, your kids, spouses, co-workers and relatives will drive you nuts!

How do you express your anger?

Hidden Styles: Some keep their anger to themselves almost entirely. You may have met these people who are commonly referred to as a "push-over" or a "Yes man." These are the types who are so afraid of confrontation that they avoid it by any means necessary. They don't want to hurt the other's feelings, escalate the disagreement or have that uncomfortable "we need to talk" conversation. The inward-anger personality does this act of holding it in at a pretty high cost to themselves: stress, tension and anxiety.

Explosive Styles: Others erupt. Their anger comes out in strangely short-lived but intense bursts. This might come out as physical aggression, yelling, shouting and making your presence and anger be known within a five-mile radius. These types see inconveniences and injustices as threat to themselves, often taking things personally whether something was directed at them or not. Exploders tend to also be the kinds of people who internalize most of there frustration only to let it build up and eventually, to erupt.

Chronic Styles: Chronic anger personality styles are individuals who have developed a long-term general emotional state of being bitter and resentful. Their triggers are common, frequent and habitual. Similar to the explosive style, these are the types who take things personally more often than not and usually have some way of moralizing the reasoning for their frustrations. Cases like these are extreme, and likely fall under the umbrella of having an "anger disorder."

Whether justified or not, your tendency to get angry is directly influenced by your level of acceptance or in-acceptance with your childrens behavior. Upon first being introduced to the Confrontive I-Message, some parents go home eager to confront their children, feeling entitled to spew out their pent-up frustrations. It can be difficult to discern a Confrontive I-Message from what might actually be a hidden You-Message. It's hard for children not to feel as though they are the cause of your anger, no matter how you word it.

But taking a closer look at anger, we see that it is only the "tip of the iceberg" of other more primal emotions. Although our anger can be very real and very unpleasant, what's really going on beneath the anger are feelings of helplessness, fear, anxiety, hurt and sadness to name a few.

P.E.T. teaches us an effective alternative to letting our anger and blame out on our children.

Dr. Thomas Gordon put it best:

"Parents learn in P.E.T. that if they frequently vent angry You-Messages, they had better hold a mirror up to themselves and ask, "What is going on inside me?" "What needs of mine are being threatened by my child's behavior?" "What are my own primary feelings?" One mother courageously admitted in class that she had so often been angry at her children because she was deeply disappointed that having children prevented her from going on to graduate school to become a schoolteacher. She discovered that her angry feelings were actually resentment because she was disappointed at having her own career plans interrupted."

-P.E.T. Book p. 146, F.E.T. Adult Resource Book Session 3, p. 45

With a good amount of self-awareness and asking ourselves these questions, we will all be able to decipher our most primal emotions and take a step back before reacting in unproductive ways.

by Selena Cruz George, Program Manager

Do You Need To Use Preventive I-Messages?

Holiday Season and Communication

The holidays. What can be a very stressful time of the year - with family/friends visiting, traveling, holiday shopping and everything in between - it is important to remember what the upcoming festivities are about. Self-disclosure and effective communication will benefit healthy relationships. This is where we all could practice using our Preventive I-Messages.

Self-disclosure is direct and congruent communication and action. It involves sharing with other people what’s going on inside you (needs, feelings, wants). The Preventive I-Message is a communication to someone who is significant in your life, someone who can help you in getting your needs met. It is a direct, clear, and congruently strong expression, avoiding either submissive or aggressive overtones. It contains, to a greater or lesser degree, a possible solution to your need, representing the responsibility you have taken to understand and then act to meet your own needs.

The benefits or advantages of the Preventive I-Message extend to you, the other person, and the health of the on-going relationship, including the following results:

You maintain awareness, responsibility and control of your needs and feelings.

Others know your needs and the strength of your feelings about them.

You model openness, directness, thus encouraging reciprocal self-disclosure by others.

Others are better able to meet your needs when they have a clear picture of what you want.

Others have advance notice of your need and can adjust their behavior accordingly.

You and others reduce the chances of future conflicts that can result from unknown or uncommunicated needs.

You reduce the element of surprise, unpreparedness, and unexpected conflict from the relationship.

You save yourself and others time, energy and resources that can result from unanticipated conflicts.

You plan your life, take responsibility and prepare for future needs.

The Preventive I-Message generally consists of two parts: (1) the self-disclosure ("I want..." or "I need...") and (2) the reason (usually desired consequence) for the self-disclosure ("I want...because...").

Here is an example of a Preventive I-Message:

"I'd really like to visit my folks this year as part of our vacation...I miss them and really feel out of touch with their lives."*

*Excerpt from Gordon Training International's Be Your Best Participant Workbook

What is the Value of Clear Self-Disclosure?

The Value of Clear Self-Disclosure

When you communicate clearly you are telling others about yourself. Therefore, you want to be:

• open
• direct
• honest
• real
• straight
• genuine
• clear
• upfront

You want to give accurate information about you.

You want to share how things are really going for you.

You want to express your real thoughts and feelings.

You want to avoid blaming others or telling them what they should or shouldn't do.*

*Excerpt from Dr. Thomas Gordon's F.E.T. Young Adult Resource Book

Have You Blocked Communication by Using a Roadblock?

The 12 Roadblocks

When other people have problems, you may want to give "good" advice, ask key questions, reassure them that "everything will be okay," take sides, warn them, or judge them.

However, as these 12 Roadblocks or barriers indicate, these common attempts to help often do more harm than good. They take "ownership of the problem" away from the other person. They usually make people defensive. They block communication and they block people from doing their own problem solving.

1. Ordering, Directing: Telling the other person what to do.

Examples: "Don't worry about it.", "Stop it!"

2. Warning, Threatening: Telling the other person what will happen if s/he does something.

Examples: "If you don't start studying, you're going to fail.", "If you keep acting like this, you're just going to be in more trouble."

3. Preaching, Moralizing: Telling the other person what s/he should do.

Examples: "You shouldn't talk like that about him.", "You shouldn't feel that way."

4. Advising, Giving Solutions: Telling the other person how to solve his/her problem.

Examples: "If I were you I would just forget about it. It's no big deal.", "If that happens again, why don't you tell someone?"

5. Arguing, Persuading with Logic: Trying to influence the other person with facts, logic or your opinions.

Examples: "The fact is, most parents are like that.", "The logical thing to do would be to just ignore him."

6. Judging, Criticizing: Making negative judgments or evaluations of the other person.

Examples: "You're just being stubborn.", "If you weren't so touchy, you wouldn't get so upset when someone says something about you."

7. Praising, Agreeing: Offering a positive judgment about the other person.

Examples: "You guys have always been good friends.", "I'm sure you can work this out. You're so good at that."

8. Name-Calling, Labeling: Making the other person feel foolish, stereotyping or categorizing him.

Examples: "You're acting like a baby.", "You act so lame sometimes."

9. Interpreting, Analyzing: Telling the other person why s/he's acting this way, analyzing why s/he's saying or doing something.

Examples: "You're saying that just to get attention.", "You're just tired."

10. Reassuring, Sympathizing: Trying to make the other person feel better, talking him/her out of his/her feelings.

Examples: "Don't feel bad, it'll be okay.", "By Friday, you'll forget all about it."

11. Questioning, Probing: Trying to find reasons, motives or causes; searching for more information information to help you solve the problem.

Examples: "How long have you been this mad at her?", "Why didn't you do something about this before now?"

12. Distracting, Humoring: Trying to get the other person away from the problem, pushing the problem aside, kidding him/her out of his/her feelings.

Examples: "Well, it's a good thing the President doesn't have problems as serious as yours.", "Let's talk about something else."*

*Excerpt from Dr. Thomas Gordon's F.E.T. Young Adult Resource book

How Do You Coach/Talk to Your Soccer Team?

We would like to share a great testimonial/letter we received from our friends from down under. A P.E.T. Instructor from Australia recently held a P.E.T. course and here is a great e-mail letter the soccer dad/coach sent to the parents of his soccer team:

We hope you enjoy the letter as much as we did! :)

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You may have noticed that I take a slightly unorthodox approach to the way I communicate with the boys and discipline the team. This is because I have almost finished a Parent Effectiveness Training (P.E.T.) course, which was recommended to me.

I very highly recommend the course to all parents and wish it were a compulsory course for all parents to do. The course has caused me to completely re-evaluate the relationships I have with my children (and my partner and other children) and has had a profound impact on the way our family now communicates.

My wife and I have found that:

• We are much more aware of our children's behaviour, and how our level of acceptance dictates how we respond - we now have a much broader level of acceptance which means less unnecessary conflict (sometimes we used to say NO for no good reason).
• We have learned how to actively listen to our children and identify their real needs, not just react to the behaviour they are displaying at the time
• We have learned how to understand and convey our needs to our children, so that they will initiate and willingly modify their own behaviour to accommodate our needs, without us ordering them to do it (sounds too good to be true!).
• We have learned how to problem solve with our children to get a win-win outcome
• We now have almost no need to use physical force to change our childrens' behaviours - ie no pulling, pushing or holding against their will.
• We have much more meaningful and deep conversations with our children and they are willing to tell us about things they were previously fearful to share and there is still a week to go.....

We have noticed real changes in ourselves and in our children - there is much less shouting, less tantrums, less fighting, and less stress. Our children (9, 5 and 3) have told us how they like the change a lot. Even my 3-year-old son’s play schoolteacher has commented that he is much less aggressive, more considerate and more cuddly than he used to be (he used to be a "problem" child).

It is a very well established course (30 years in Australia).

I recommend it to all parents, and if possible both parents should do the course together, but if you can't manage that then one should do it. It's well worth the time and money. The course books out fast so act soon.

Regards

Much happier Parent

What Are Some Common Mistakes in Active Listening?

COMMON MISTAKES IN ACTIVE LISTENING

The good news is that your Active Listening does not need to be perfect to work; however, you can make refinements and increase your success by understanding and avoiding these common Active Listening mistakes.

These are the eight most typical mistakes; notice that each error has a counterpart error in the opposite direction.

Here are the definitions and examples of the common mistakes.

TEENAGER: "I can't believe my new teacher. What a jerk! What stupid, dumb rules he has."

EXAGGERATING:

Intensifying the feelings being expressed.

"You really hate that teacher's guts."

ADDING:

Generalizing or expanding the scope of what the child is expressing.

"You feel he's a lousy teacher."

RUSHING AHEAD:

Anticipating the child's next thoughts.

"And so you're probably wishing they'd fire him."

ANALYZING:

Interpreting underlying motives; "psychoanalyzing" the child.

"Maybe you're upset because you're under so much pressure getting ready for finals."

MINIMIZING:

Reducing the intensity of the child's feelings.

"You're a bit bothered by your new teacher."

LEAVING OUT:

Reducing or skipping the pertinent facts expressed by the child.

"You're pretty upset today."

LAGGING BEHIND:

Not keeping up with the child's communication or continuing when the child is finished talking.

"You were saying a couple of minutes ago that..."

PARROTING:

A near word-for-word repetition of the child's communication.

"You just can't believe your new teacher. You think he's a jerk, and is rules are stupid."*

*Excerpt from Dr. Thomas Gordon's P.E.T. Participant Workbook

Has Research Been Done on F.E.T.?

Research Results of a Family Training Program

Two hundred fifty-eight school children and their parents attended a six-session video-based training program that included among other components the same basic democratic skills offered in both Dr. Gordon's Parent Effectiveness Training (P.E.T.) course and Family Effectiveness Training (F.E.T.):

• Open Communication
• Problem Ownership
• Sending Confrontive Messages
• Active Listening
• Conflict-Resolution

A control group did not receive such training. Results of this experiment were as follows:

--> The trained family members were more satisfied with their democratic family system than those who did not get trained.

--> The trained family members judged their communication with each other as more open than before, but the control group did not.

--> Antisocial behavior of the trained fathers, sons and daughters decreased significantly. No change in the control groups.

--> Mothers and adolescents perceived their communication with each other became more open. The control family members did not.

The authors recommend communication training as "rite of passage for families with young adults."*

________________________________

Riesch, Tusi, Thurston, Forsyth, Kuenning, and Kestly (1993). Nursing Research, Jan/Feb, Vol. 42, No. 1.

*Excerpt from Dr. Thomas Gordon's F.E.T. Adult Resource Book

Do You Intervene in your Child's Activities?

Nonintervention to Show Acceptance

Parents can show acceptance of a child by not intervening in his activities. Take a child who is attempting to build sand castles at the beach. The parent who keeps away from the child and occupies himself with an activity of his own, permitting the child to make "mistakes" or create his own unique design for a castle (which will probably not be like the parent's design or, for that matter, may not even look like a castle)--that parent is sending a nonverbal message of acceptance.

The child will feel, "What I am doing is okay," "My castle building behavior is acceptable," "Mother accepts me doing what I am doing as of now."

Keeping hands off when a child is engaged in some activity is a strong nonverbal way of communicating acceptance. Many parents fail to realize how frequently they communicate nonacceptance to their children simply by interfering, intruding, moving in, checking up, joining in. Too often adults do no let children just be. They invade the privacy of their rooms, refusing to permit them a separateness. Often this is the result of parental fears and anxieties, their own feelings of insecurity.

Parents what children to learn ("Here's what a castle should really look like"). They are uncomfortable when children make a mistake ("Build the castle farther from the water so a wave won't topple the castle wall"). They want to be proud of their children's accomplishments ("Look at the perfect castle Cody made"). They impose on kids rigid adult concepts of right and wrong ("Shouldn't your castle have a moat?"). They have secret ambitions for their children ("You're never going to learn anything, building that thing all afternoon"). They are overly concerned about what others think of their children ("That's not as good a castle as you're capable of making"). They want to feel that their child needs them ("Let Daddy help"), and so on.

Thus, doing nothing in a situation when the child is engaged in an activity can communicate clearly that the parents accept him. It is my experience that parents do not permit this kind of "separateness" frequently enough. Understandably, a "hands-off" attitude comes hard.

At the first party that one of our daughters gave during her first year in high school, I remember feeling very rejected after being told by her that my highly imaginative and constructive suggestions for the entertainment of her guests were quite unwelcome. Only after recovering from my mild depression after being asked to stay out could I comprehend how I was communicating nonverbal messages on nonacceptance--"You can't give a good party by yourself," "You need my help," "I don't trust your judgment" "You are not being a perfect hostess," "You might make a mistake," "I don't want this party to be a failure," and so on.*

*Excerpt from Dr. Thomas Gordon's P.E.T. book

Why Are I-Messages More Effective?

Why I-Messages Are More Effective

I-Messages are more effective in influencing a child to modify behavior that is unacceptable to the parent as well as healthier for the child and the parent-child relationship.

The I-Message is much less apt to provoke resistance and rebellion. To communicate to a child honestly the effect of her behavior on you is far less threatening than to suggest that there is something bad about her because she engaged in that behavior. Think of the significant difference in a child's reaction to these two messages, sent by a parent after a child kicks her in the shins:

"Ouch! That really hurt me--I don't like to be kicked."

"That's being a very bad girl. Don't you ever kick anybody like that!"

The first message only tells the child how her kick made you feel, a fact with which she can hardly argue. The second tells the child that she was "bad" and warns her not to do it again, both of which she can argue against and probably resist strongly.

I-Messages are also infinitely more effective because they place responsibility within the child for modifying her behavior. "Ouch! that really hurt me" and "I don't like to be kicked" tells the child how you feel, yet leave her to be responsible for doing something about it.

Consequently, I-Messages help a child grow, help her learn to assume responsibility for her own behavior. An I-Message tells a child that you are leaving the responsibility with her, trusting her to handle the situation constructively, trusting her to respect your needs, giving her a chance to start behaving constructively.

Because I-Messages are honest, they tend to influence children to send similar honest messages whenever they have a feeling. I-Messages from one person in a relationship promote I-Messages from the other.*

*Excerpt from Dr. Thomas Gordon's P.E.T. book