Do You Need To Use Preventive I-Messages?

Holiday Season and Communication

The holidays. What can be a very stressful time of the year - with family/friends visiting, traveling, holiday shopping and everything in between - it is important to remember what the upcoming festivities are about. Self-disclosure and effective communication will benefit healthy relationships. This is where we all could practice using our Preventive I-Messages.

Self-disclosure is direct and congruent communication and action. It involves sharing with other people what’s going on inside you (needs, feelings, wants). The Preventive I-Message is a communication to someone who is significant in your life, someone who can help you in getting your needs met. It is a direct, clear, and congruently strong expression, avoiding either submissive or aggressive overtones. It contains, to a greater or lesser degree, a possible solution to your need, representing the responsibility you have taken to understand and then act to meet your own needs.

The benefits or advantages of the Preventive I-Message extend to you, the other person, and the health of the on-going relationship, including the following results:

You maintain awareness, responsibility and control of your needs and feelings.

Others know your needs and the strength of your feelings about them.

You model openness, directness, thus encouraging reciprocal self-disclosure by others.

Others are better able to meet your needs when they have a clear picture of what you want.

Others have advance notice of your need and can adjust their behavior accordingly.

You and others reduce the chances of future conflicts that can result from unknown or uncommunicated needs.

You reduce the element of surprise, unpreparedness, and unexpected conflict from the relationship.

You save yourself and others time, energy and resources that can result from unanticipated conflicts.

You plan your life, take responsibility and prepare for future needs.

The Preventive I-Message generally consists of two parts: (1) the self-disclosure ("I want..." or "I need...") and (2) the reason (usually desired consequence) for the self-disclosure ("I want...because...").

Here is an example of a Preventive I-Message:

"I'd really like to visit my folks this year as part of our vacation...I miss them and really feel out of touch with their lives."*

*Excerpt from Gordon Training International's Be Your Best Participant Workbook

Can There Be Risks in Clear Sending?

Risks in Clear Sending

Many different factors affect whether or not a person sends clear messages. For example, the sender has to talk loud enough to be heard. She also should code her message in words that are familiar to the receiver--that is, the receiver has to know the sender's code. In addition, we know that a single message is usually easier to understand than several messages sent at once. A message can also get lost if the sender clutters up his communication with too many asides, conditional statements, and details.

Although these factors are important, they are not as crucial in their influence on "sending" as another less understood factor--that is, the degree of "congruence" of the sender. Congruence refers to the similarity of what a person (the sender) is thinking or feeling, inside, and what he communicates to the outside. When a person is being congruent, we experience him as "open," "direct," "honest," or "genuine." When we sense that a person's communication is Incongruent, we judge him as "not ringing true," "insincere," "affected," or just plain "phony." The human receiver apparently is a very sensitive judge of the degree of congruence in a sender.

Logically, it would follow that the greater the incongruence between inner feeling and the actual message, or hearing an ambiguous message. The inconsistency between the words she receives and the other person's inner feelings (sensed from non-verbal clues from the sender) confuses the receiver. For example, a mother who inside is feeling rejected, irritated, or unloving toward her child yet tries to communicate patience, permissiveness, and acceptance will send messages that are incongruent. The child usually perceives both the ambiguity of these messages and the insincerity of the mother.

The risk in being congruent in communication is simply that the sender becomes known to the receiver as he really is (inside). The sender exposes his true self--he becomes transparently real to himself and others. People must have courage to be what they are--that is, to communicate what they feel and think as of a particular moment in their existence; for when a person does this--and here is the risk--she opens herself to others and their reactions to her. Her listeners learn how she really feels. If they are involved at all, they may not like to hear her feelings about them. We also know that honesty in communication puts a demand on the listener to be equally honest. Most people are threatened by such a demand. So some people are frightened away by congruence in another person. Here is an additional risk of clear sending.*

*Excerpt from Dr. Thomas Gordon's P.E.T. Participant Workbook

How Do I Clear Send in The No-Problem Area?

CLEAR SENDING IN THE NO-PROBLEM AREA

Letting Them Know The Real You

In the P.E.T. course, self-disclosing messages are referred to as I-Messages. An I-Message is a communication about the self--the "I".

An I-Message is authentic, honest, and congruent--reflecting the actual nature and strength of your thoughts and feelings. It is a clear message, understandable, and to the point, not masked in indirect or vague language.

Declarative I-Messages Are The Basic Form of Self-Disclosure

They are the declaration to others of your beliefs, ideas, likes, dislikes, feelings, thoughts, reaction--or any other statement that helps others know you better and understand how you are experiencing your life.

Some Examples of Declarative I-Messages:

"I believe the homework that your teacher's given you is really important."

"I think that we should have a military draft."

"I feel discouraged about how much things cost these days."

"I know you disagree strongly, yet I got real value from the first parent-faculty meeting, and I think we should give it a real chance."

Preventive I-Messages Stop Trouble Before It Starts

Another important type of self-disclosure is one that lets your children and others know of some future need that you want to meet; that anticipates what you want to do or see happen. Such a message, because it clearly describes how you want events to turn out, greatly increases the chances that others will adjust their actions so as not to block what you need. Such message may prevent a conflict. Such Preventive I-Messages are especially appropriate in the home. An example, familiar to every parent, is the announcement of the time dinner will be ready so that the children can finish what they're doing and, ideally, help out in the kitchen!

Some examples of Preventive I-Messages:

"I need some uninterrupted time tonight so I can get the bills paid."

"I'd like to hear of your weekend plans this evening so we can work out transportation ahead of time."

"I'd love to come to dinner. Please remember, I don't eat meat."

"I'd like to set a limit on our holiday spending this year."

Positive I-Messages Enhance and Strengthen Relationships

One of the most enriching forms of self-disclosure is the Positive I-Message. These are messages that exclusively describe parents' positive feelings toward their children. Although kids do plenty of things that are a problem for parents, they also say and do many things that are a pleasure, often helping a parent in unexpected ways or displaying kindness, maturity, considerateness, or good humor just when it's needed most. When these behaviors occur, it is appropriate and important for parents to disclose any genuine positive feelings they have about them.

Unfortunately, many parents are only self-disclosing when they are upset with their child's behavior. This is clearly appropriate self-disclosure, but the important point is that parents should disclose both their feelings of unacceptance and acceptance. Positive I-Messages that express appreciation, love, enjoyment, and affection toward children (spouse, friends, and others) can contribute greatly to warmer, closer, and more enjoyable relationships. Very young children, with their budding self-esteem and desire to be a "helper", seem especially to thrive on Positive I-Messages.

Consider the value for you, your children, or others in the following examples of Positive I-Messages:

"I appreciate how quiet you were when I was paying the bills. I did it a lot faster, thanks to you!"

"I really like the story you wrote, James."

"I was so proud when I heard you telling those kids you wouldn't lie to cover them!"

"Honey, I really love you."

It is important that Positive I-Messages not be used to manipulate or "shape" a child's behavior. Such ulterior motives invariably come through to the child and make your sincerity suspect. The Positive I-Message should be a "no-strings attached" expression of acceptance and acknowledgement.

Even though changing your child should not be the motive, parents who express a lot of positive feelings toward their children are often automatically rewarded with less unacceptable behavior, more trust, mutual respect and cooperation, more affection and caring. Like honesty, warmth and affection are highly contagious in families!

*Excerpt from the P.E.T. Participant Workbook

What Is The Key To Assertiveness?

The key to assertiveness is self-disclosure--knowing what you value, need, and want and sharing those thoughts and feelings "with your children, your spouse, and others". Self-disclosure is important because many of our needs must be met through our relationships. Indeed, we often must gain the cooperation of our children, family members, or others to get what we want--to meet our goals as parents and as persons.

Self-disclosure is communication which describes you, your inner experiences, literally--your self. Self-disclosing messages are about your beliefs and ideas, your likes and dislikes, your feelings, thoughts, and reactions. Self-disclosing message let your children and others know how you feel and where you stand.

Self-disclosure is obviously easiest when we perceive that others share or agree with our own experience. Asserting ourselves is more difficult when we risk disagreement and resistance from others. We often fear opening ourselves up to possible judgment, evaluation, or criticism from others. Should I tell my husband how I feel about certain things? What might result? Can I share my values with my teenager without "turning her off"? Can I tell my friend about her irritating behavior without losing her friendship? Can I speak up at the school meeting without others feeling I'm a "trouble maker"? These are hard, sometimes frightening decisions to make. Our willingness to self-disclose, then, is largely determine by our feelings of trust in the intentions of the other person to support us or hurt us.

Ingredients of Effective Communication

You want your communications to be heard, understood and responded to in positive ways. Three key ingredients make this possible as well as help you to build and keep strong relationships with your children, partner and others. These communication ingredients include being:

1. Clear - simple uncomplicated and understandable. You as the sender need to be sure that what you are saying is presented in a way that makes it easy for the receiver, child or adult, to get your message and it's meaning. Keeping your communication short and simple saves time and prevents frustration.
2. Congruent - what you think and feel is what you need to show and say. When you tell our child one thing but your face and body language say something else, it sends mixed messages and creates confusion. Children as well as adults usually believe what they see over what is said if the send is not congruent.
3. Connected - it is important to be aware of who you are talking to and how that child or adult communicates. You as the sender need to be on the child's "wave length", communicating at his speed and using words and language the child or other person is comfortable with. If your child feels you are connected to her and her world, she will be much more apt to pay attention and listen to what you have to say.*

Find out Thursday what the benefits are for you and your relationships when you Self-disclose...

*Excerpt from Dr. Thomas Gordon's P.E.T. Participant Workbook

Active Listening Quiz Answers Explained

Last week, we had an Active Listening quiz up featuring the two questions discussed in this blog post. Here are the questions, the answers, and explanations behind the answers!

Child: I wish I could get a cold once in a while, like Katie. She's lucky.

Parent: 

A. You feel you're sort of left out.

B.  Oh! Don't wish you were sick!

C.  You're jealous of Katie.

The correct answer is: C. You're jealous of Katie. Of the three choices, this is the most congruent, accurate response. It reflects back what the feeling that the child expresses in his/her statmement, and allows the child to run with his feeling and solve his own problem.

The first choice, A. "You feel you're sort of left out" does not directly address the underlying feeling in the child's statement. While the child's jealousy may lead to feeling left out, jealousy is the most underlying, immediate feeling.

The second choice, B. "Oh! Don't wish you were sick!" does not reflect anything back. This is the ordering/directing roadblock. This communicates unacceptance of the child, takes responsibility away from the child, and can even cause resistance.

Child: Yes. She gets to stay out of school and I never do.

Parent: 

A. You wish you could stay out of school more too.

B. You should want to be in school.

C. You never get anything you want.

The correct answer here is: A. You wish you could stay out of school more too. This statement again most accurately reflects the child's feelings. 

Answer B, "You should want to be in school," is another Roadblock. This is the moralizing/preaching Roadblock. This response can create guilty feelings in the child, can cause the child to "dig in" and defend his or her position even more, and it can also lead to withdrawal or alienation.

Answer C, "You never get anything you want," lacks congruency. This statement reflects feelings that are far more extreme than what the child is expressing. When the degree of feeling is understated or overdone in Active Listening, you risk coming off as fake or phoney to the child/other.

Please feel free to post your comments, questions, or feedback about Active Listening and the Active Listening quiz below! Thanks!