Want To Learn More About GTI and PET?

Who is GTI and what does GTI offer?

Gordon Training International was established in 1962 by Dr. Thomas Gordon. We are a human relations training organization and we offer workshops, trainer certification and books - all based on the Gordon Model. We are now in 48 countries. To contact us, please email us at info@gordontraining.com.

Who is Dr. Thomas Gordon?

He was the founder of Gordon Training International and the author of the following books:

Parent Effectiveness Training

P.E.T. in Action

Leader Effectiveness Training

Teacher Effectiveness Training

Sales Effectiveness Training

Teaching Children Self-Discipline (renamed,"Discipline That Works")

You can learn more about him on this site by clicking here:http://www.gordontraining.com/drthomasgordon.html

To order any of these books, please visit our secure on-line store:http://www.gordontraining.com/store.html

What is the Gordon Model?

The Gordon Model consists of using all the following skills in conjunction with each other -- Active Listening, I-Messages, The Communication Roadblocks, Shifting Gears, and Method III Conflict Resolution. It was devised by Dr. Thomas Gordon in 1962. We teach this model, using The Behavior Window as a guide to use what skill at what time, in all of our workshops.

How do I buy books by Dr. Gordon?

You can purchase books written by Dr. Thomas Gordon (Founder of Gordon Training International, author of P.E.T., L.E.T., T.E.T., etc.) You can also purchase books by Linda Adams (President of Gordon Training International, author of Be Your Best and Effectiveness Training for Women) through our online store oramazon.com. Have an iPod or MP3 player? Audio versions of the L.E.T. and P.E.T. books are available on iTunes and audible.com.

Do you have a general workshop on the Gordon Model?

Absolutely! Linda Adams, President and CEO of Gordon Training International, developed "Be Your Best", a personal development program, which teaches you how to become more effective and take responsibility in both your personal and professional lives. In addition to the communication skills and conflict resolution methods taught, this course offers training in assertive skills, how to handle anxiety, and how to set goals for becoming more fulfilled. To find a Be Your Best Workshop near you, please email us at info@gordontraining.com.

Parent Effectiveness Training (P.E.T.)

Where can I find a P.E.T. Workshop?

We train and certify independent P.E.T. Instructors who set their own scheduling, pricing and location. You can find a current P.E.T. Workshop Calendar by clicking here or by emailing us atfamily@gordontraining.com.

What will I learn in P.E.T.?

The P.E.T. workshop consists of brief lectures, demonstrations, workbook exercises, role-playing, some homework and small group discussion. You will learn the following skills based on the Gordon Model, taught by a certified P.E.T. Instructor:

- How to talk to your children so that they will listen to you.
- How to listen to your children so they feel genuinely understood.
- How to resolve conflicts and problems in your family so that no one loses and problems stay solved.
- A method for troubleshooting family problems and knowing which skills to use to solve them.

How can I become a P.E.T. Instructor?

It's easy as 1, 2, 3!

Step 1 - You can complete a P.E.T. Workshop, read the P.E.T. book or complete self-study pre-work. Contact us for more information: 800.628.1197 or email us atfamily@gordontraining.com.

Step 2 - Successfully complete the instructor training process.Click here for more information on how you can become certified to teach P.E.T!

Step 3 - Teach a P.E.T. Workshop; submit the participant evaluations to Gordon Training for review for final approval and instructor certification.

Ready to get started? Great! Please e-mail us for more information on how to enroll and to receive an application:family@gordontraining.com

Have You Evaluated Your 3-Part Confrontive I-Message?

3-Part Confrontive I-Message Evaluation

Purpose: To evaluate your own three-part Confrontive I-Messages.

Directions: Use this rating to help you improve your Confrontive I-Messages:

Very Effectively/Effectively/Not Very Effectively

I described the other's specific behavior without blame.

I described the actual, real effects the behavior had on me.

I expressed my feelings honestly.

I "shifted gears" * and listened to the other's concern, upset, etc.

I resent my I-Message when necessary.

Practice developing and sending I-Messages to family members and friends by writing down what the situation is and then the I-Message.*

What Are Some Typical Questions About I-Messages?

Typical Questions About I-Messages

Q: Won't I-Messages be perceived as disguised You-Messages and therefore meet similar resistance?

A: Quite possibly...however, as the level of trust increases in a relationship over time, the likelihood of resistance may diminish. In any case, Shifting Gears to Active Listening will help.

Q: Won't I-Messages make the other person feel guilty?

A: Yes, they might, especially if his/her behavior has hurt you. But such guilt may be appropriate. And you can help the other to handle any guilt s/he expresses by Shifting Gears to Active Listening.

Q: Must all three parts always be present in a Confrontive I-Message?

A: No. Sending the three elements-behavior, tangible effects, and feelings--is the strongest, most potent influencer available; but just feelings or just effects may produce change--especially if the other's need is not strong and/or the relationship is close.

Q: If there are no tangible and concrete effects on me from the other person's unacceptable behavior, does that mean I'm supposed to stop feeling unaccepting, hurt, sad, or worried?

A: No. It simply means that since the other person's behavior is not tangibly interfering with your needs, s/he may be unmotivated to change, and you will have to rely on the less predictable Values Collision options. And you may still feel upset about the other's behavior.

Q: Doesn't the influencing ability of I-Messages eventually "wear out" from overuse, and don't I-Messages then have to be replaced by reprimanding, "training", or the use of coercive power?

A: The consistent use of I-Messages (as opposed to You-Messages or power) usually results in a closer, more mutually respectful relationship, especially if you also help the other when s/he has a problem. I-Messages only "wear out" if they continue to be used repeatedly when, in fact, the situation is an unacknowledged Conflict of Needs or Values Collision. Remedy: Switch to Method III or the Values Options.

Q: Am I doomed to send nothing but I-Messages from now on and to seeing all other ways of influencing people's behavior as "no-no's"?

A: No. You can ask or request someone to do something, or to change their behavior. The critical issue here is that a request is not fair unless you're willing to accept either yes or no for an answer.

Q: What is wrong with I-Messages that deal with my perception of the other person's attitudes (for example, that the other person is inconsiderate, rude, negative, rejecting, or uncaring)?

A: These are usually ineffective--except occasionally in primary relationships, such as with spouses or close friends, in which the issue of caring is paramount. And even then, unless the other is very secure and undefensive, these messages are hard to handle. The reasons why messages about the other's attitude are usually ineffective are:

• No matter how one dresses them up, they are always You-Messages--the problem is identified as the fault of the other person.
• The tangible effect of another's attitude on the sender is not clear and, therefore, not very motivating.
• They almost never square with the other's self-perception--the other has only been trying to meet some personal need. Trying to convince him/her his/her goal-seeking behavior entailed a bad attitude as well simply stirs up unproductive resistance.
• And, finally, even if I am correct, how can I change another's insides anyway?

In these situations, the best and truest I-Message is often, "When I experience you (behavior), I feel concerned and it is interfering with the quality of our relationship." Such courageous self-disclosure can work wonders.*

*Excerpt from Dr. Thomas Gordon's F.E.T. Adult Resource book

Let's Gear-Shift!

GEAR-SHIFTING

While I-Messages produce less defensiveness from children than You-Messages, it's obvious that nobody welcomes hearing that his behavior is causing someone else a problem, no matter how the message is phrased. Even the best constructed I-Message may cause your child to feel hurt, sorry, surprised, embarrassed, defensive, argumentative, or even tearful. After all, he has received a message loud and clear, that his behavior is unacceptable, troublesome or hurtful to you. Often, your child's first reaction will be one that lets you know that now he has a problem This is what we consider as high on the "emotional temperature" thermometer.

You will most always defeat your purpose if you continue to repeat your I-Message when your child reacts negatively to it. If you do, his emotional temperature will go even higher and he will resist you even more strongly.

To increase the chances that your child will hear your I-Message, you'll need to Active Listen and acknowledge his upset feelings. This shifting helps the child deal with his newly created problem and it also demonstrates the parent's understanding and acceptance of the child's reactions. It says: "I see that you're upset and I want to hear you." Listening gives the child a vent for his feelings, a chance to go deeper and if necessary an opportunity to do problem-solving. It lowers your child's emotional temperature.

So as soon as you become aware that your I-Message has caused a problem for your child, you'll want to shift gears from talking to listening. It's a temporary shift and doesn't mean that you are letting go of your needs, but it shows that you are interested in his needs and feelings as well. When your child feels heard accepted, the chances are much greater that he will be able to hear and accept your I-Message.*

*Excerpt from Dr. Thomas Gordon's P.E.T. Participant Workbook

Ever heard of Limerick Effectiveness Training?

LET - Limerick Effectiveness Training

So your boss said she wanted you to go

Learn some new skills you didn't yet know

You practiced some ways to be real

So people can know how you feel

And you learned how to deal with a foe.

This model helps you to choose

Which skill that is best to use

You learned about GLOP

That it's something to stop

Which came as not-such-good news.

It's very hard to gauge

Which is your learning stage

You're more than aware

But still not quite there

And hope that will come with age.

So when you finally shift gears

And hear someone else's fears

May you be filled with hope

Because now you can cope

Both with your family and peers.

Happy St.Patrick’s Day!

(Written by the Limerick Master, Linda O’Adams)

How Do I "Shift Gears"?

Shifting Gears with Active Listening

Although you'll be surprised how often others respond constructively and helpfully after hearing your I-Messages, you should expect occasionally to hear resistance, defensiveness, guilt, denial, discomfort or hurt feelings. It's understandable that I-Messages sometimes provoke these responses. They confront others with the prospect of having to change some behavior. People are often surprised or shocked to hear how you feel, and certainly don't like to be told their behavior is unacceptable or that it caused you a problem, even if by chance you've sent a perfect I-Message.

So, when you hear these not-so-uncommon responses to your I-Messages, it is useless to keep hammering at the other with repeated assertive messages.

When you hear resistance or some other feeling-reaction to your I-Message, you'll need to make a quick shift and back off from a sending/assertive posture to a listening/understanding posture. Such a shift will communicate that you want to be sensitive to the feelings your self-disclosure brought out in the other. This shifting gears (think of it as shifting from a going-forward gear to a backing-up gear) lets others know you are not out to get your needs met at their expense. Although you're not ready to abandon your needs, you want to empathize and understand the nature of the problem your assertive I0Message caused the person to whom it was directed. This often leads to seeking a compromise solution.

Because Shifting Gears to listening acknowledges the others' feelings, they often decide on their own to modify their behavior. People find it easier to change if they feel the other person understands how hard it might be.

When you "shift gears" after confrontation in order to hear the concerns of the other person, several important goals will be achieved.

1. You want to demonstrate concern for and acceptance of the person who is now experiencing a problem as a result of our I-Message confrontation.
2. You want to understand the other person's communication and let that person know that you do understand by feeding back his/her message.
3. You want to help the other ventilate, to release the negative feelings, to feel relieved.
4. You want to help the other take primary responsibility for handling the needs and feelings that are the basis of his of her concerns.

Here are some of the various ways you can "shift gears":

• A simple acknowledgment of the other's reaction to your I-Message:

"I see."

"You have some feelings about this."

"I understand how it happened."

"That's the way you see it, and I understand."

"Say more, so I'll understand."

• The simplest way to shift gears is just to stop sending and listen passively.
• The most effective way to shift gears is to use Active Listening, which is simply a restatement of the other person's response to your I-Message in your own words.*

Stay tuned for tomorrow post about Active Listening and how to do it!

*Excerpt from Dr. Thomas Gordon's F.E.T. Adult Resource book

When Do Confrontive I-Messages Not Work?

SIX REASONS WHY CONFRONTIVE I-MESSAGES DON'T WORK

I-Messages carry fewer risks to a relationship than do You-Messages and have a high success rate; however, they don't always work.

There are six reasons for this and actions you can take when these happen.

1.

Incomplete I-Message: While I-Messages with only one or two parts can work, many situations call for all three parts - Non-Blameful Description of Behavior, Effects on you and your Feelings.

What to do: Send a second I-Message and include all three parts.

2.

Hidden You-Message: Included in your message is some form of blame or label, i.e. "When you are so messy...". Or, you include your solution: "I'm frustrated because I can't work when your music is so loud, so turn it off."

What to do: Change the blame to a description of behavior, i.e. messy to - "When your toys are all over the floor." Send your I-Message without a solution attached: drop "so please turn it off." Remember, the goal is for the child to come up with his own solution (which is acceptable to you).

3.

Message is Too Weak. After a very unacceptable behavior has continued for several weeks, you say: "I am just a little frustrated because..." Or, "Too Strong when your child's behavior is relatively minor you say: "I am really furious because..."

What to do: Too Weak; send a stronger I-Message that reflects the importance and intensity of the effect(s) on you and your feeling(s). Sending an I-Message does not mean you need to be calm, collected and use a quiet voice. You can send a very strong message with a raised voice when the situation requires it.

Too Strong; reduce the intensity of your message to match the situation.

4.

Continuing Behavior is Meeting Needs. The child understands the effects of her behavior and your feelings but continues her actions because it is meeting important needs. This indicates it is a "Relationship-Owned" problem - you both have needs to meet.

What to do: Listen to the child, acknowledge you both have needs and use Method III Problem Solving to come up with a situation you both like.

5.

Behavior has No Effect on You. You don't like the child's behavior but it does not seem to have any concrete effect on you.

What to do: This may indicate that you are in a Values Conflict. Use the PET Values Conflict Strategies to deal with the situation.

6.

Other Gets "Flooded" by your I-Message. I-Messages don't blame or attack; however, people don't like to be confronted about their behaviors. Your child may still feel picked on, hurt, guilty, etc. and react defensively.

What to do: Active Listen to the child to reduce her emotional "flooding" before sending another I-Message. Continue this process of "Gear Shifting" until she can hear her behavior effects you.

*Excerpt from Dr. Gordon's P.E.T. Participant Workbook

Running Into Resistance to I-Messages?

So you have decided to confront your child about a problem you have. You deliver a perfect, three-part Confrontive I-Message, but your child replies, "So what? Who cares?" Or maybe they deliver an I-Message of their own.

What do you do next?

Confrontive I-Messages do not always solve your problem immediately. When we deliver an I-Message, the person we are confronting may react to our message defensively.

"So what," "who cares" and other responses like these are coded messages.

"Who cares!" does not really mean that the child does not care; it is a coded message for other feelings that the child is experiencing, such as being hassled, picked on, or embarrassed.

All spoken words and the accompanying behaviors are purposeful; they are a way for a child or another person to try and express something else. This is where you have the opportunity to shift gears to Active Listening.

By shifting from your Confrontive I-Message to Active listening, you can help the child identify and express her real feelings and, in so doing, help her to become unflooded so she is ready to hear your I-Message.

Take a look at this excerpt from P.E.T. for a better understanding of what happens when a child responds with resistance to an I-Message:

"Children...frequently respond to an I-Message by sending back an I-Message of their own. Rather than immediately modify their behavior, they want you to hear what their feelings are, as in this incident:

MOTHER: I hate to see the clean living room all dirtied up as soon as you come home from school. I feel very discouraged about that after I’ve worked hard to clean it up.

SON: I think you’re too picky about keeping the house clean.

At this point, parents untrained in P.E.T. often get defensive and irritated, rebutting with, 'Oh no I’m not,' or 'That’s none of your business,' or 'I don’t care what you think about my standards.' To handle such situations effectively, parents must be reminded of our first basic principle—when the child has a feeling or a problem, use Active Listening. We call this 'Shifting Gears'—temporarily changing from a confronting posture to a listening posture. In the preceding incident, Mom’s I-Message gave the child a problem (as these messages usually do). So now is the time to show understanding and acceptance, since your I-Message has caused him a problem:

MOTHER: You feel my standards are too high and that I’m fussy.

SON: Yeah.

MOTHER: Well, that may be true. I’ll think about that. But until I change, I sure feel darned discouraged about seeing all my work go down the drain. I’m very upset right now about this room.

Often, after the child can tell that his parent has understood his feeling, he will modify his behavior. Usually, all the child wants is understanding of hisfeelings—then he feels like doing something constructive about your feelings."

So don’t feel discouraged when your I-Message is not instantly received as you wish it would be. Step back and listen to your child and let her know that her feelings are appreciated as well.

We hope this was helpful to you! We would be interested in hearing your feedback, suggestions, insights and so forth.

Thank you! :)

A Christmas Miracle!

About a month ago, an old friend of mine posted pictures of his snowshoeing trip online. There was something in these photos that caught my eye, and it wasn't the powdery white snow I'm so very homesick for...

It was my bright red ski coat that went missing about a year ago, around the same time this friend of mine moved in with his fiancee. The same red ski coat I asked him about before I moved, as I seemed to have remembered leaving it in his apartment. The same red ski coat that he said he didn't have; the red ski coat that his fiancee was happily modeling in all of his photos. MY red ski coat.

(I wouldn't ordinarily be so quick to jump to conclusions, except that this is the same "friend" who told me my bike had been stolen. I later discovered he had sold it...)

Anyway, if I would have found these photos before October, our interaction would have gone something like this:

me: I see your fiancee is wearing my coat...can I have it back?
him: That's not your coat!
me: Well it's identical to mine, and it's kind of a unique coat. And it's too big for her!
him: It's not your coat, it's hers! I can't believe you're accusing me of stealing your coat!
me: You did steal my coat! It's even missing the same zipper as mine! Send it back to me! NOW!
him: ...

Well, you get the idea.

However, in October, I attended a P.E.T. Instructor Training Workshop, and I picked up on a few things. I decided to put my newly learned P.E.T. skills to the test. Our interaction went like this instead:

me: I see that the coat in your pictures is identical to the one that I'm missing. Any chance that that's the one I lost?
Al: That's not your coat. I can't believe what you're implying, that's ridiculous.
me: You feel like I'm accusing you of something.
Al: Yes! You basically just told me I stole your coat. Like I'm a thief or something. That's not your coat!
me: So you didn't take my coat. But, look, I really miss my coat and I'm going to have to pay a lot of money for a new one this year if I can't find mine, and that's really stressing me out.
Al: Ok, look, I'll take another look around through the house and my storage unit, ok? Just don't accuse me of stealing your stuff.
me: Alright, I'm sorry I accused you of stealing. I would really appreciate your looking for it again. Thank you.
Al: No problem. I'll let you know if I find it.

Last week, my coat arrived at my front door in perfect condition, with a hand-written apology and a note about how he didn't realize that I had missed the coat at all.

This was a tricky situation, and I'm sure I could have handled it better. But as I have been learning through experience, I-messages tend to work in the trickiest of situations...even if you start things off on the wrong foot.

All hail Active Listening and I-messages!!! :)

Thanksgiving & P.E.T.

Hi everyone! Stephanie from GTI here.

The P.E.T. Blog's poll question for the past couple of weeks has been, "Do the holidays bring more or less conflict to your life?" Of the five answer choices, there was only one that that received zero votes: "What is conflict? We're all peace and harmony."

Most of us know by now that if we have human contact, we will encounter conflict. And we also know that is why we can be thankful that there is P.E.T.!

For the start of the holiday season, we would like to invite all of you to share your stories of conflict, and how you resolved (or didn't resolve) the conflict. Feel free to give as much or as little information about the story as you want.

This is a free-form, open-ended question!...here are some questions to consider if you like...Did you find any P.E.T. skills particularly helpful in the situation? If you could go back and do it all over again, would you handle it differently?