Are There Active Listening Guidelines?

Active Listening Guidelines

Know when to use Active Listening. Use it only when you're free enough of your problems to feel accepting and want to help other people with their problems.

Know when not to use Active Listening. It won't work when you're feeling unaccepting of the other person - when you own the problem. Nor will it work to influence them to change some behavior you don't accept.

Avoid pushing or imposing your Active Listening on the other person. Listen for clues that the other doesn't want to talk or has finished talking.

Use the other listening skills: silence, acknowledgment responses, and door openers. Every response of the other person does not need feedback. Use Active Listening primarily when feelings are strong and the other person's need to be heard is apparent.

When the other person needs information, give it. Just make sure you first know what the real problem is, and be sure your information is wanted by the other person. Give your information briefly and effectively. And, of course be prepared to have your ideas rejected - they might not be appropriate or helpful.

Don't expect the other person to arrive at your preferred solution. Remember, Active Listening is for helping other people resolve their problems - a tool for helping them find their own solutions. Be prepared for times when no solution surfaces - the other person might not even tell you how they later solved the problem. They will know, but you won't.

Don't give up too quickly. It takes time for other people to realize you really do want to understand and that you are accepting of their problems and feelings.

Competence comes only with practice. You won't become competent at Active Listening without lots of practice. Practice with your spouse/friends/children.

Accept that Active Listening at first will feel artificial. It undoubtedly feels more gimmicky to you than to the other person. With practice, you'll feel more natural and less clumsy.*

*Excerpt Dr. Thomas Gordon's programs

What Is Passive Listening?

PASSIVE LISTENING GUIDELINES

Listening is one of the most vital ingredients of our communication with children, partners, friends, co-workers and everyone else we come in contact with in daily life. In spite of it's importance, very few of us have any training in how to do it. Since communication includes words, voice tone, facial expressions and body language, it is important, as a listener, to give attention to each of these. Passive Listening may be all that is required in some situations.

SILENCE

Silence by a helper is often in short supply. Being quiet and not saying anything actually gives the other person space and uninterrupted time to talk about her issue, opinion, thoughts, or feelings.

The well-known saying, "Silence is Golden" is especially true in today's fast, busy pace of life. We are bombarded with noise and words and the pressure is to talk fast and solve problems quickly. When a child has a decision to make, a problem to solve, or just the need to express herself, silence provides the opportunity for her to take to talk, reflect and decide.

ACKNOWLEDGMENT RESPONSES

And while silence avoids the communication roadblocks that so often tell children that their messages are unacceptable, it doesn't prove for sure that you are really paying attention. It therefore helps, especially when there are pauses, to use non-verbal and verbal cues to show that you are actually tuned in. We call these cues "acknowledgments".

NON-VERBAL LISTENING

Since facial expressions and body language make up a very large part of communication, this is an especially powerful basic listening tool. Eye contact and such gestures as nodding, leaning forward, smiling, frowning and other body movements, use appropriately, to let children know that you really hear.

Be sure your non-verbal actions match, or mirror the child's. If you are smiling when someone is upset it will send a completely wrong message.

Eye contact is widely promoted, yet it is important that it be appropriate to the personality, culture and situation. In some cultures, making and keeping eye contact can be a sign of disrespect or to a shy person overuse can be unsettling.

SIMPLE VERBAL ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

Short verbal acknowledgments such as: "um hmm", "so..., I see", "ah", etc., used in small doses, tell children that you are attentive, interested and that it's okay for them to go on talking.

DOOR OPENERS, INVITATIONS TO TALK

Sometimes children need more encouragement to keep talking, to go deeper, or even to begin. Such messages are called "door openers" and are very effective in showing children that you want to take the time to listen.

"Would you like to say more about that?

"Sounds like you have some strong feelings about that."

"I'm interested in what you're saying."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

Notice that these messages are open-ended questions and statements. They contain no evaluation of what is being said.

These passive listening skills, silence, acknowledgments and door openers, are very helpful in getting children started talking and in helping them feel accepted. But they have a limitation--they don't prove that the listener has understood. For that, you'll need to Active Listen.*

*Excerpt from Dr. Gordon's P.E.T. Participant Workbook

What Are Some Simple Door-Openers?

One of the most effective and constructive ways of responding to children's feeling-messages or problem-messages is the "door-opener" or "invitation to say more." These are responses that do not communicate any of the listener's own ideas or judgments or feelings, yet they invite the child to share his own ideas, judgments, or feelings. They open the door for him, they invite him to talk. The simplest of these are such noncommittal responses as:

"I see."

"Oh."

"Mm-hmmm."

"How about that."

"Interesting."

"Really."

"You don't say."

"No kidding."

"You did, huh."

"Is that so!"

Others are somewhat more explicit in conveying an invitation to talk or to say more, such as:

"Tell me about it."

"I'd like to hear about it."

"Tell me more."

"I'd be interested in your point of view."

"Would you like to talk about it?"

"Let's discuss it."

"Let's hear what you have to say."

"Tell me the whole story."

"Go ahead, I'm listening."

"Sounds like you've got something to say about this."

"This seems like something important to you."

These door-openers or invitations to talk can be potent facilitators of another person's communication. They encourage people to start or to continue talking. They also "keep the ball in his court." They don't have the effect of your grabbing the ball away from him, as do messages of your own, such as asking questions, giving advice, reassuring, moralizing, and so on. These door-openers keep your own feelings and thoughts out of the communication process. The responses will surprise parents . The youngsters feel encouraged to move in closer, open up, and literally pour out their feelings and ideas. Like adults, young people love to talk and usually do when anyone extends an invitation.

These door-openers also convey acceptance of the child and respect for him as a person by telling him, in effect:

"You have a right to express how you feel."

"I respect you as a person with ideas and feelings."

"I might learn something from you."

"I really want to hear your point of view."

"Your ideas are worthy of being listened to."

"I am interested in you."

"I want to relate to you, get to know you better."

Who doesn't react favorably to such attitudes? What adult doesn't feel good when he is made to feel worthy, respected, significant, accepted, interesting? Children are no different. Offer them a verbal invitation and then you'd better jump back to get out of the way of their expressiveness and expansiveness. You also might learn something about them or about yourself in the process.