The Real Reason Why Kids "Give Up" Learning an Instrument

We're lucky and honored to feature many of our P.E.T. Instructors as "guest bloggers" here on the P.E.T. Blog. Check out what Certified Instructor - Jen Kovarovic - has to say about her complementing roles as a P.E.T Instructor and as a violin teacher.

In addition to being an authorized P.E.T. instructor, I am a Suzuki violin teacher, instructing budding musicians as young as age three. A hallmark of the Suzuki approach is the active participation of parents during lessons and at-home practice sessions, and my job as the teacher is to train the parents for their role. It became clear in my teaching that the obstacles parents were facing had nothing to do with the technicalities of learning the violin, or anything ever addressed in my music education training. They were butting up against the very nature of their family dynamics, with problems showing up as power struggles around practicing, competing demands for a family’s time and energy, and so many other conflicts.

In 2008, I began including P.E.T. in the curriculum for families in my violin studio. I have always opened the class to violin families as well as other participants, and nothing in how I run the course is violin-specific. But what I found is that the tools parents took away (such as I-statements, active listening and problem-solving) began to seep into their violin studies, diffusing the tension around practicing. With P.E.T. skills replacing power struggles, both parents and children were able to remember the love of music that drove them to pursue the violin in the first place.

Too many music students quit for the wrong reasons—not because they lose their love for the instrument or embrace another activity, but because the process becomes too unpleasant for the family. In my studio, I have seen the power of P.E.T. to address these all-too-common roadblocks, thereby allowing a family to enjoy music together again. Violin is just one of many activities in a child’s life that calls for discipline and hard work, and any one of those pursuits—in arts, sports, academics or elsewhere—is bound to bring up the same pitfalls that I see in my music studio. I can only hope that more teachers and families embrace P.E.T. as a way to support the hard, valuable work they are doing in their chosen fields.

Jen Kovarovic is the founder of Suzuki by the Sound, a violin studio in Seattle. Her next P.E.T. course runs this summer, Wednesday nights from July 2 to August 27, 2014.

For more information on Jen's upcoming P.E.T. class, email: family@gordontraining.com.

Learning to Loosen the Apron Strings

My nephew is three years old and full of insatiable curiosity, as all children his age seem to be. Most members of my family imagine that watching him for an evening is not for the weak at heart, but personally, I jump at the opportunity to take care of him while my sister is away. He turns on and off the faucet to just to watch the water disappear through the drain. He walks through bushes and shrubs just to figure out if he can do it or not. If he bruises himself in the process of one of his experiments, I know it isn't something that he's going to do again. But if he is entertained and amused by the outcome of the enchanting physics of the world, then it's probably going to be something he will want to repeat ad nauseum. This is simply the essence of the inquisitive and absorptive mind of a young child. Which makes it all the more painful to watch when I witness my sister put a shrieking halt to a majority of his elementary investigations.

A hefty part of the idea here is understanding that not all behaviors of our children have a tangible and direct effect on you as a parent. Your daughter might get her hands a little dirty, her shirt a little stained or her socks a little wet (you get where I'm going with this) but stepping aside and realizing that no real harm is being done to them or you is the first step in understanding that you don't really have to say no to everything that they attempt to do. Upon this realization, you might even find that fewer and fewer behaviors become unacceptable to you (recall the "Behavior Window" from the P.E.T. book). 

Whatever it is that gets you to a place of broader acceptance and greater awareness of the intentions behind many of your child's behaviors will ultimately create a fertile context for them to learn and grow.

But here's why this one's hard:

Parents get caught up on the idea that their child might get hurt or experience some form of discomfort by participating in certain activities. It's true that there is some risk involved in almost everything, especially with the life-experience and stature of a child. Let me clarify one important idea here.

In the face of clear and apparent danger, the answer is always and without question, to do whatever means necessary in order to stop your child from serious harm. Yes, that might mean the use of your parental power. However, when it comes to the proverbial spilled milk that we as adults steer away from, the most powerful way to teach and influence your child is to first model your own behavior and then give them the opportunity to try it for themselves.

As they get older, the inevitable trials of life begin to get more and more complex. Getting a bad grade in school or resolving a conflict with a friend are two of the most common things that parents want to step in on and help their child through. Or shall we say, solve for them? While you might be jumping at the chance to provide your wisdom and assistance during times like these, you might actually be doing more harm than good. 

When asked for, advice can be helpful at times. But when your child is walking straight through a thorny bush for the first time (just as you did at their age), stop yourself and consider what lesson might be unfolding before you decide to step in and stop them. You just might be surprised with what it is they're learning. 

By: Selena C. George, Program Manager

Talk Less, Listen More

by Gordon Training International Master Trainer, Steve Emmons

People often ask me, if you could only give parents one piece of advice about helping their children deal with problems, what would it be?  My answer is; “Talk less and listen more.”

In all of our relationships we experience conflicts and problems; life can be messy. In spite of our hopes and dreams for a happy, trouble-free family, strong friendships and positive work relationships, real life is not perfect. Communication can be confusing, problems difficult to solve and our thoughts, needs and beliefs different from the people we care about. No matter how close a bond we have, personal and professional relationships require constant attention and an investment of time and energy to keep them strong and mutually rewarding.

As parents we want to help our children when they struggle with problems or experience conflict; we want the best for them.  Our natural response is to do all we can, as quickly as we can to protect them and insure that they are safe and happy.

As mentioned in a recent article, the first step is to determine exactly whose problem it is.  Is it my child’s problem, is it my problem because of something my child is doing that I don’t like or is it a shared problem we have to tackle together?  You need to decide “Who Owns the Problem”? To determine this, figure out who the problem is directly affecting. (And no, if your kid is getting bad grades, the problem isn't yours!)

When you determine that your child, another family member, friend, coworker or other person “owns” a problem then you have a question to ask yourself and a decision to make.

“Do I let him deal with his problem without my involvement or do I take some action to help him solve the problem but without falling into the trap of doing it for him?”

The answer to this question depends on the nature of your relationship with that person and your investment in them. If the person is a family member, friend or work colleague and you have a special interest in the relationship then, in most situations, you will want to help.

Most people - regardless of their cultural background - will wonder: “What can I say that will help?” or “What solution can I provide that will help my child?” But there are usually some pretty undesirable consequences that come with being the parent who always solves their child's problems.

Besides creating dependency, you can fall into the trap of answering a question that may not really be a question at all, or may not even be about the real underlying problem.  Questions are often used as an attempt to express feelings or thoughts. Your daughter asks the question “Mom what should I do?” may really be a disguised way of her saying : “I’m confused”, “I feel stuck”, “I want time with you.”, or “I feel scared about making that decision.”

A clear indication of this is when you answer a question and get back the reply: “Yes, but…” or “What if…” Clearly, the other person wasn’t really asking you to solve their problem for them.  In fact, talking and providing your opinion or idea is not what is needed to help your child in these situations. What’s called for is listening.

Helping by listening can be broken into two general groups; Basic Listening and Active Listening.

BASIC LISTENING to help others when they have a problem or concern includes giving your child space to talk, devoting your full attention to her and providing a few short signals that you are listening. Basic Listening includes:

• Being Silent:  silence can be uncomfortable and the urge to say something to fill the void can be strong.  However, silence can give your child or another person space to talk.  It puts the ball in their court and lets them share their feelings and thoughts without interruption.  Helping by silence is sometimes enough for your child to solve a problem.

A father shared this story with me about using silence.  His teenage son came home from school one day and instead of stopping to chat about school; he slammed down his books and went out the back door.  Dad went out and sat down beside him on the steps. 

The father was taking a P.ET. course but he told me his mind went blank and could only remember “Just be quiet and listen.” so he sat there with his son in complete silence.  After 5 minutes of silence his son turned to him and said; “Dad, thanks for listening now I know what I’m going to do.” Then in a good mood he when off to do his homework.

• Show You Are Listening With Your Body Language: often silence by itself is not enough; you need to demonstrate that you are really listening. Comfortable eye contact (not staring), sitting facing the person, smiles, frowns, nods of your head and hand gestures all show your child that you are tuned in and connected and makes it comfortable for them to talk about their upset or problem.

• A Few Simple Statements: “Ah!”, “I see.”, “Wow!”, “Mmmm.” provide some simple verbal signals that you are listening.  Just don’t overdo it, keep these few and far between.

• Door Openers:  sometimes simple invitations to say more can help your child to get started.  “I’m ready to listen if you want to talk.” “I’ve got time to talk right now.” “Seems like something’s bothering you.”  “I’m all ears.” are a few examples.  Just remember, these are only to open the door to speak so one or two at the beginning are enough.

ACTIVE LISTENING as the name implies is more active and involving than Basic Listening.

Active Listening allows your child or another person to talk about a problem and identify what the real problem, issue or upset is and then come up with his or her own best solution.

Active Listening is not about asking questions; instead it’s about making statements to check out what the other is saying and prove that you heard and understood.  Years ago I was taught to ask questions to help someone talk about a problem.  What I’ve learned is that questions may instead act as roadblocks.  When you ask a question, your child has to stop talking and think; “Do I know the answer to Dad’s question?” or “Do I want to tell Dad?” Maybe a handsome, athletic teenage son is reluctant to admit to his Dad that he is really anxious about asking a girl on a date or a daughter is worried about the bad grade she just got on a test and what Mom will say about it.

A question can also pull your child away from her real problem and focus instead on what you as parent think the problem is.  Or, if your daughter is really flooded with emotion, she may not even be able to think about an answer to a question and she may stop talking altogether.

It’s hard to not ask questions; as parents we want to know what our child’s problem is, we want to know all the details and completely understand how they are feeling and what their options are.  The relevant word here is “we”, the only person who really needs to know all the details is the one who is going to solve the problem and that’s your child, the one who owns the problem.

Replacing questions with statements is not easy and yet it can make an almost magical difference in how our children respond and deal with their problems. Instead of having to stop and think about answering a question or digesting your advice, listening can create a non-blameful, safe feeling and actually help your child talk more.

QUESTION                            vs.                    ACTIVE LISTENING STATEMENT
“What happened?”                                           “Seems like you’re upset.”
“Why are you worried?”                            “Looks like you are really worried about that.”
“Why can’t you just talk to her?”                  “Sounds like you’re really anxious about talking to her”

Using statements to reflect back what you hear and what you see in your child’s body language makes it easy for your child to continue to talk.  A very comforting thing happens; you don’t need to be perfect!  Even if your reflective statement is off the mark, it won’t stop your child from continuing to talk.  He will usually just correct you and continue; “No Mom, I’m not frustrated, I’m just confused about what my teacher meant.”  

Sometimes only one listening response is needed: “Wow that really hurts!” may be enough to let him know you get it when your three-year-old son comes in crying with a scraped knee.  His response may be something like “Yeah Mommy it’s a big ouchy!” and then out the door he goes to play without further crying and dramatics.

Active Listening, however, is more than just letting your child vent and “unflood” feelings, it is also a process that allows your child to first, identify what the real problem or concern is and second, to actually do some simple problem solving and come up with her own best solution.

Many problems are more complicated; in fact, problems are like onions, there are multiple layers of feelings and thoughts that need to be peeled away to get to the heart of the problem. This type of reflective listening allows your child to talk about a problem, peel back the layers of the onion, identify the real issue or feelings and solve the problem.

So, when your child (or partner or other person - it can work wonders even with your own parents!) has a problem, talk less and listen more. In fact, listen most.  Let the person who “Owns” the problem be the one to solve it.  You daughter’s solution of not talking to her friend for a week may not be a solution you would choose, however, it may be the best one for your daughter given her unique situation.

Active Listening is most often done face to face or on the phone however, there are exciting possibilities using email and even texting.

Of course there will be times when your child’s solution does have a direct negative effect on you.  In those situations, it changes to a “Parent Owns” or a "We Own" the problem situation and then it’s time for you to speak up, which we’ll talk about more coming up next...

The Problem With "Quick-Fix" Parenting

Many will say that this day in age, people have traded slow and old-fashioned ways of doing things for anything that can be done easier, faster and cheaper. In reality, we've been doing this all along. From the invention of the wheel to laptop computers, humans have been attempting to reinvent cheap convenience since...forever. And we don't stop at technology, either.

A distressed mother called recently, desperate for help after experiencing the utter failure of a well-known quick-fix parenting program. We won't name names. But here's the summary: The entire program was based around a method that instructs parents to (upon experiencing some undesirable behavior from their children) warn their child that if the behavior has not ended by the time they count to three, that the child gets put in a time out or gets privileges taken away. Theoretically, after the count to three, the child receives their consequence and that is the "end of story." (Yeah, right.)

Tempting as it may be to seek parenting methods that publicize to get-your-kids-to-behave-themselves-in-five-minutes-or-less-for-$29.99, I can't help but think about the old familiar saying: "If it seems too good to be true, it probably is." Yet, I sit here in disbelief over the amount of (successful) parenting programs that claim to achieve exactly that. The victims being those parents in desperation to try anything.

It can't go without mentioning that there seems to also exist an underlying implication that parents are too busy to spend the necessary time working on the behavioral and emotional issues of their children. This may be another problem all on it's own, but the ultimate doom of these parenting methods seem to ultimately (and without fail) become an insurmountable heap of disaster.

Here's why they don't work:

Let's assume that the inner-workings of a developing child's brain is a highly complex and growing instrument composed of electricity and soft tissue, that has the astonishing capability to communicate, create patterns, grow and think, all the while maintaining continuous functionality of every other vital organ in the body. This instrument is actualized by biology, culture and experience. Also keep in mind that every event that this "instrument" experiences during childhood has an immeasurable influence on who that child becomes for the remainder of their lives. If you are among those individuals who believes in facts, then feel free to set aside assumptions at this point and embrace these ideas as truths. How can something as intricate as the brain of a child be permanently guided and influenced by count-to-three type parenting methods?

Wait a minute, though - there's nothing wrong with many of the advantages of life in 2013. We all want to save time, money and effort for most of life's daily tasks.

Here are some quick-fix solutions that won't haunt you later on (to name a few):

• Microwaves
• Self-adhesive envelopes
• Dishwashers
• Blow Dryers
• Cellphones (to be debated)

But by using simple tools, with something as complex and profound as the human brain - which has the ability to react, brainstorm, re-evaluate, and re-route its behavioral avenues - it's no wonder that quick-fix parenting tricks never cease to fail.

For parents who've got nothing but a few minutes, a few dollars and (most of all) a tiny bit of effort set aside to solve the intricate behavioral dilemmas of their children, I hope they consider this question: Would you hire a heart surgeon on the same basis?

by: Selena George, Program Manager

How Can Children Be Trusted to Use Their Own Judgment?

By Certified P.E.T. Instructor, Catherine Dickerson, LCSW, Lic #24454

Recently, several parents and teachers have asked, "How on earth can a child know what to do if we don't tell them?!"  How can children whose unacceptable behaviors seem completely natural to them know what you need them to do instead?

The answer is actually pretty simple: they know what to do because you've been teaching them since the day they were born. Every day you have been modeling for them the details of how you live your life. Every day, your children have been watching and following you, absorbing your words and most of all, your actions. Admittedly, many of those actions have been too quick for a child to absorb the details (I recall the story of the little girl who wanted to tie her own shoes and, when given the opportunity, just moved her fingers together quickly with the laces between them--then was disappointed at the result!). Your two-year-old may not know that it's her job to put away her toys (for example), but if she has witnessed the way that you put them away for her and if you help her to get started before things become overwhelming, she's certainly got an idea of how to get it done!


Your 4-year-old may not know exactly how to set the table, but he's got a pretty good idea as well! Your school age child certainly knows where his dirty laundry goes, and how to make and clean up after a simple snack or meal. Teenagers know . . . let's just say, a great deal more than we give them credit for.

The P.E.T. skills of Active Listening, I-Messages and Method III all help you to give your children additional essential information and experience that most adults deny children. Additionally, being a consultant to your children in the No-Problem area is a highly effective way to influence your children's values by sharing your own. Benefits of implementing these P.E.T. methods include:

1. Increased self awareness as they explore the depths of their thoughts and feelings (while you Active Listen);
2. The impact their actions have on themselves, others, and their world (from your I-Messages);
3. The experience of thinking and solving problems with a bigger picture in mind (Method III, where they help find solutions that allow everyone to get their needs met).

The end result? 
For you:  P.E.T. skills take the burden off of you to do other people's thinking and problem-solving for them, and instead leave the responsibility for that work with each individual (including helping you meet your own needs);

For your children: The satisfaction of experiencing themselves as capable, intelligent, contributing, respected individuals in a loving family, and of experiencing their parents as complete human beings (not just "my parents").

Parents say it best:  "[P.E.T.] Opened my eyes to a whole new world of loving and affectionate interactions in our family when conflicts arise (vs. yelling and stress where everyone feels bad after). My daughter is more empowered to make her own decisions and resolve conflicts on her own. Less stress on me to solve everyone else's problems."

"Seeking to really understand what is going on is something that is really helping, and working with my child to help her develop her own solutions to problems has been very helpful."

Catherine's next P.E.T. workshop begins on April 16th in Solana Beach, CA. Fore more information, please email us at family@gordontraining.com.

P.E.T. Tip of the Month

For your I-Messages to be effective, you often need to spend more time active listening to the other person’s responses than you spend giving your I-Message.

Remember the Gear-Shifting diagram (page 60 in the P.E.T. workbook)?

A clear I-Message is a powerful tool. You get to think seriously about your needs and stand up for yourself with clarity and confidence. No blaming, directing or otherwise roadblocking the other person, so you’re also strengthening your relationship with him. You expect to get a quick positive result.

And sometimes you do. What often happens, though, is that the other person instead starts to defend himself. It can feel as if you haven’t given an I-Message at all. The temptation then is for you to defend yourself—or, at the very least, to try to drive your I-Message home. Instead, now is a good time to take a discrete deep breath.

Most people are expecting to be dismissed or controlled when there is a problem. Until their point of view and feelings about it have been thoroughly listened to and accepted, they can’t experience the profound respect of your I-Message.So you need to active listen until they relax a bit, restate your I-Message as clearly and briefly as you can, then active listen again. Once the other person experiences that you:

1. Sincerely accept his position and its importance to him;

2. Are not trying to change his mind;

3. Are simply expressing your conflicting need, and

4. Trust him to come up with an effective solution, or to work one out with you that meets both your needs;

...he is much more likely be able to listen to you, and willing to help you out.

In the meantime, best wishes for plenty of happy and effective parenting!

By: Certified P.E.T. Instructor, Catherine Dickerson, M.Ed., LCSW, Registered Play Therapist, License #24454

Catherine's next P.E.T. workshop begins in Solana Beach, CA on April 16th! Email family@gordontraining.com for more details.

Can You Active Listen in a Text Message?

In a world continually swamped with technology, it's no surprise that the average person now spends more time typing than they do talking over the course of an average workday. Text messaging spares no subject matter. Personally, I have shared deep sentiments, philosophical debates and even conflicts, all from my beloved iPhone. With P.E.T. in mind, Active-"Listening" is very much a possibility. While P.E.T. states that effective Active-Listening should feedback what you "see and hear" from another person (who is experiencing a problem), there's no reason why we can't attempt to do our best via texting as well. You may not be getting the non-verbal messages that you would face-to-face, but hey, that's why emoticons were invented, right?

This is a transcript of a real text conversation between a Mom (M), while she was taking a P.E.T. Instructor Training Workshop, and her Daughter (E). Her daughter’s friends are represented by Briana  Gina, Rachel and Justine. (Names have been changed to ensure privacy).

M: Hey baby, how was your day? 

E: Good, Briana wasn't so nice to me and ruined my day. 

M: You sound upset sweetie. 

E: Yes because I was with Briana and Gina comes and I say hi because I was happy to see her and she doesn't even answer back and pushes me away!! What is happening??  : - o  : - o  : - o 

M: I can see that you felt ignored by Gina. 

E: She always treats me badly. 

M: So you feel she doesn't respect you. 

E: Today I said hi after going trick a treating on the school street and she completely ignored me just because she’s jealous of me that she doesn't have the amazing parents I have – that love like you love me. And because she doesn't have friends like Briana and she’s jealous just because she wants to be like me. 

M: So you are feeling that she’s jealous of what you have and at the same time you are sad because you want your friendship to be the same as before. 

E: The thing is that when I’m with Briana and Gina arrives she only greets Briana and says come here and bla bla bla and takes Briana away from me and I HATE when she does that. I HATE it. 

M: I can see it really makes you angry that Gina only spends time with Briana and you feel lonely. 

E: No I don’t feel lonely because I have Rachel and Justine it’s just that Gina always takes what I am using or what she shouldn't be taking away because I’m with someone or something. 

M: It make you angry that Gina wants what you have and you don’t want to tell her not to do it.
E: Yeah and she just gets jealous because I’m with Briana. 

M: So you feel that she’s jealous that you have more time with Briana because you’re in the same school. 

E: I don’t know, but when she joins us she has to take Briana away and I don’t like it because it bothers me so much. 

M: So you get upset when Gina takes Briana away and you can’t really find the words or the way to tell her that what she does bothers you. 

E: Yes. Exactamondo!!! The best answer ever xoxoxo 

(PAUSE/SILENCE) 

So what are you doing? 

M: It makes me happy to listen to you baby and that you want to share this with me : ), : - ) : - )   : - ) 

E: Me too mom. I love you!!  : - D   : - D   : - D 

M: Me too!!!

What do you think? Let us know!

by: Selena George, P.E.T. Program Manager

There Is Only One Real "I-Message"

The I-Message is now a term that is commonly used. Since the origination of the I-Message by Dr. Thomas Gordon in 1962, the term has been borrowed, misrepresented and generally watered-down. While the intention still aims at effectively confronting another in order to get your needs met, there is a true science and research behind Dr. Gordon's three part I-Message. Without each necessary piece, it simply will not work.

In hopes to bring clarity to this commonly misunderstood term, President of Gordon Training International, Linda Adams, explains what an authentic I-Message really is:


"As developed by Dr. Gordon and as taught in all of our courses for parents, teachers and leaders, the I-Message has three parts:  1) A non-blameful description of the unacceptable behavior; 2) the concrete effect that behavior has on the sender; and 3) the feeling the sender has about that effect.  In short, an I-Message includes:   Behavior, Effect, Feelings.  Examples of an I-Message from a parent to a child:  “When the music is on so loud, I can’t concentrate on my work and that frustrates me” or “I was upset when the gas tank was almost on empty and I had to stop and get gas which made me late for work.”  It doesn’t matter which order these three parts are in, just that they are all there.

The I-Message doesn’t contain a request or suggestion or solution about what the child or other person should do or what concrete action should be taken. An I-Message leaves responsibility with the other person to change their behavior out of consideration for the needs of the sender.      

There’s another essential skill that’s needed with most I-Messages.  Because people don’t usually like to hear that their behavior is interfering with someone else, they often respond in a defensive or resistant way.  So the I-Message sender needs to be prepared to Active Listen to that resistance and hear the other person’s feelings in order to give the I-Message a better chance of being heard and responded to in a positive way."

How to Get Your Kids to Do Their Chores

(...Without Nagging Them!)

Let us first remind ourselves of the old, straight-forward theory which tells us that generally, people don't like to be "told what to do". This absolutely includes kids. It's no wonder that kids need to constantly be reminded of what they were supposed to do - they don't want to be doing it in the first place! But with some guidance from the Gordon Model and bit of psychological insight, we think we can help.

In most households, here's how chores are usually delegated:

Mom: "I need you to wash the dishes, clean up your room, feed the dog and take him for a walk."
Child: "I don't feel like it."
Mom: "Do it!"
Child: "Fine."

There's one way to get a child to "agree" to do something! His willingness is lacking and his compliance is artificial. The mother will likely need to remind him: "You said you would do the chores I asked! Why aren't they done? Do them now - I won't ask you again." Adding a tinge of threat here might get your child to do what he's told (for the time being, at least*) but will likely entice him to resist even more. Not only are you telling him what to do without any reason or consideration of what he is needing to do, but your reminding/nagging him comes across as condescending; as if he isn't intelligent enough to remember. This holds true for nagging in all shapes and forms.

Now let's consider two important Gordon Model skills to help in this situation:

1. The Preventive I-Message: These types of I-Messages are useful in preventing problems from occurring in the first place. They give the listener (the child, in this case) important information that they will need to know for the future. For example, you are having guests over for dinner and you would like your child to have his toys picked up off the floor before a certain time of day. Remember that the I-Message must have all three parts to increase the probability that it will be effective. Using this example, here is an I-Message that could be used: "I need to have the toys off the floor by 5 pm when the neighbors will be arriving, so that I don't feel embarrassed about inviting guests into a messy home and don't have to take up extra time that I will need to finish preparing dinner."
2. Method III: The No-Lose Method to resolving conflicts is the perfect skill to use when it comes to chore-setting. Many things are in play here. First off, is the principle of participation, which says that a person is more motivated to carry out a decision that he has been a part of making, versus a decision that has been made on his behalf, without his consent. Secondly, Method III considers the needs of everyone involved. It could still, for example, allow the kids to watch their favorite show at the same time every night, while also lessening the burden of all the household duties on just Mom or Dad. Method III must be carried out in all six parts in order to be the most effective. More on Method III - including the numerous positive side effects - can be found in Chapter 11 of the P.E.T. book.

Parents must also remember that none of these are guaranteed quick-fixes for the conflicts in your family. But with time, practice, and a constant consideration for the needs of others, the benefits of using the Gordon Model skills are truly astonishing.

Try it for yourself and let us know how it worked for you. Feel free to always comment below or on our Facebook page.

* See Chapter 10 of the P.E.T. book to read the effects of parental power on Children

Should You Make Your Child "Finish What They Started"?

So your kid gets excited about starting a new hobby or sport and she begs you to sign her up for classes. Proper attire or equipment has been bought and lessons have been paid for. But a few sessions in, she tells you that she doesn't want to do it anymore.

You're now at a crossroad - do you "let" your child quit and lose out on the money, not to mention the apparent opportunity to teach them a lesson in making commitments? Or, do you accept the fact that she is no longer interested and don't want to force her into doing something unwillingly?

Your needs:

1. To teach your child the importance of commitments
2. To not lose out on money that has already been spent and could have possibly been used for something else 

Here's where most parents would tell their kids something along the lines of:

"I already paid for it and I don't want my money going down the drain. You've got to finish what you started!"

The question is, how do you deal with this situation to get yours and your child's needs met?

A Quick Lesson in Discipline:

When motivation in doing something comes in an external form (like the parent forcing a child to do something), they usually will simply do the bare minimum to finish the job at hand. When problems are resolved this way, parents often have to nag, remind and constantly check in on their child. One of the most important factors in place here is that children do not learn discipline and the consequences of real-life decisions in external forms. You might be able to "make" your child eat broccoli, but that doesn't mean that you are making them actually enjoy it. You might scare your child into not giving up on something that they started, but what you're really doing is just making the child scared of you -- not scare them about how the real-life consequences on giving-up may affect them. Your forcing her won't make her interested. Almost always, when the parents needs "win" over the child, the child will bear hate and resentment.

Three "Gordon Model" Methods To Use:

Preventive I-Message - Tell your child ahead of time that the money spent on their activities is something that you cannot get back whether they decide to continue or not and how losing that money could affect you. Explain to your children (as an informant, not a disciplinarian) the importance of making commitments and how they affect other people that are involved in the commitment.

Modify The Environment - Here's an easy one! Don't sign your child up for classes that are non-refundable. Wait to purchase necessary materials and see if you can have your child sit in and participate in a few classes before they make the commitment. Or find a place where you can pay per session, instead of for a whole month, for example.

Method III - In this situation, we are in the area of both people owning a problem (you and your child). Go through the six-step process and begin by finding out what your child's needs are in this situation and what the underlying reason is behind his or her feelings. Maybe she isn't comfortable taking karate in the same class as boys or maybe her skill level is more advanced than the rest of the kids, leaving her un-stimulated.


Before jumping to the first conclusion you can think of in these types of situations, consider the option that both you and your child can get your needs met and resolve conflicts in a respectful and effective way.

Do Kids Really Need to be "Toughened Up" for the Real World?

Some parents believe that their children should be treated with the use of punitive power in order to prepare them for the "real world".

This belief leans toward the idea that in the crass adult world, kids need to be "toughened up" in their childhood in order to survive as grown-ups. Those who belong to this school of thought believe that this tough love should be shown in form of punishment and the use of punitive, parental power. 

Here's why this theory is amiss:

Let's start with the general idea that parents want their children to grow up to become responsible, capable adults. They raise their children to show them the differences between "right and wrong" and the skills needed to fulfill their basic needs. Growing up, children learn a language for communicating with others, how to use numbers, how to drive, etc. Very few of these children take a course that teaches how to communicate effectively with others in order to get their needs met, especially during times of conflict. They learn how to talk with people and how to problem solve by mimicking what their parents do. After all, "modeling" is the most powerful way to teach anyone, anything.

In a world where most of us grow up with the use of punishment and parental superiority, it's no wonder that the "real world" we are planted in is so tough. Imagine millions of crying, whining adults scolding each other, telling each other what to do, striking out in anger and stepping on the heads of others; all of this in attempt to get some need met. The inadequacy of trying to solve problems this way is monumental.

Let's delve deeper into the mind of a child raised this way. What happens to the human psyche when our needs are met with threats, commands, blame, judgement and name-calling (just to name a few)?

These common reactions to children produce a countless number of side-effects. When a child begins to fear a parent, they are also hearing a threat of getting hurt by someone bigger and stronger than they are. While the power might work to modify the child's behavior for the moment, the child will almost ALWAYS fester resentment, which will trigger hostile responses in the future. Alternatively, this may cause a child to become submissive and fearful. 

Parents' use of demanding or ordering their children to do something communicate to the child that the parent does not have faith in the child's own judgement or capability. Patterns like this create reluctance in decision-making and an inability to problem-solve on their own, simply because they haven't been given the chance to practice using their own judgement. The common thought here would be, "I always do it wrong so why try?"

Criticizing and name-calling have some of the worst effects on children. Dr. Thomas Gordon wrote, "A child's self-concept gets shaped by parental judgement and evaluation. As the parent judges the child, so will the child judge himself." Like adults, children will respond with defensiveness even in cases disguised as "constructive criticism." In order to protect their own self image, children can become very hostile in the face of blame, ridicule and disagreement.

Stepping out from behind the microscope, we know how and why punitive parenting causes hostile and apprehensive adults. The failure of many marriages, business partnerships and friendships can be found as a result of "how you were raised" versus "how he/she was raised." It's important to know that the true test of a relationship isn't how many conflicts occur, but rather, how each conflict is handled. Gordon said conflict to be the "true test of a relationship."

When one learns how to deal with their own feelings AND the intense feelings of others, while accomplishing the common goal of each person getting what they need WITHOUT having to compromise, our work here is done.
 By now, you might be wondering: "How can I do that?!" Well, ahem, there are half a dozen books that can explain it all! Check out the work of Dr. Thomas Gordon and Linda Adams here.

And as always, let us know what you think.

written by: Selena George

P.E.T. Working With Religion

One of the reasons why Parent Effectiveness Training is so widely accepted is because of its versatility in any culture or family no matter race, creed or religion. P.E.T. is adaptable in any relationship without sacrificing in its effectiveness.

In Earl Gaulke's book "You Can Have A Family Where Everybody Wins," he takes a Christian approach on utilizing the P.E.T. skills with religious teachings. Perhaps his introduction described it best, being appropriately titled "Needed: Skills for Christian Parents."

In his book, Gaulke cross references Dr. Thomas Gordon's P.E.T. with biblical scripture and explains in detail how to be a P.E.T. parent and a Christian parent synchronously. In doing so, Gaulke outlines many real-life conflicts that arise between parents and their children, like drugs and alcohol, doing homework, watching TV, decision making, etc.

To learn more about this book, click on the photo below which will take you to it's amazon.com page.

"Parents want to help their children grow up successfully, but too often end by harming them instead. This book tells how parents and children can grow together."

-Dr. Paul Popenoe

Is the PET workshop worth the time and money?

We'll let you decide.

Here's what a few recent P.E.T. graduates have said about it:

"I loved the course. Meike's presentation of the material made it easy to understand and apply immediately. I couldn't imagine parenting without it. I have so many wonderful changes in myself and in my two toddlers that I can't begin to list them all. I am very grateful to have found the course and completed it." 

"Excellent instructor. Very enthusiastic, professional, compassionate, practical and knowledgeable!" 

"Before the course my husband and I were thinking about parent counseling to resolve so many issues. We even considered separating, but this course is helping us to communicate better, not only with our child, but with each other." 

"Love it! It's working. My daughter is happier and communicating her needs more. My listening skills are better. I notice quite a few changes particularly that I am a better communicator. I'm expressing my feelings and needs more effectively." 

"This course gave me so many more tools and ideas to positively express myself and resolve conflicts in a pleasant way" 

- from graduates of P.E.T. Instructor, Meike Lemmens: http://www.parentingclassesoc.com/

To sign up for one of Meike's P.E.T. workshops (in the Los Angeles, CA area), please send an email to family@gordontraining.com for more information.

~ follow P.E.T. on Twitter and Facebook for tips, promos and giveaways ~

Answer to Last Week's Parenting Question: Safety

Greetings all,

Here is the question we chose to answer from last week's invite to ask us a parenting question:


While reading P.E.T. I had many a-hah moments more so when I remembered going on L.E.T. years earlier. But I'm still frustrated in implementing some of this with low verbal toddlers. I'm working on it though, making mistakes but still trying. Any extra information would be appreciated even better if it helps me deal with twin toddlers with different base personalities (which is a good thing) and different levels of verbal abilities.


My specific question revolves around those things that are direct safety issues. No, they don't "have" to hold my hand while crossing a road but they can't dash across the street on their own. Yes, they can fill and turn on the kettle but they can't play in the water that comes out of it (no matter how much they scream). How do I get across that something is dangerous without demonstrating the consequences (fire burns, sharp knives poked into your brother will cut him etc). I want them to question things but there really are some things around safety where mommy does know best.


Dear  Selmada,

Thank you for submitting your question here on the P.E.T. blog. It's cool to hear that you've taken L.E.T. as well! It sounds like L.E.T. gave you a good foundation before reading the P.E.T. book.

First, your question about toddlers with different speech levels and personalities is relevant to two things: (1) the behavior window and (2) using I-Messages with young children.

You might notice your level of acceptance change between both of the children. Each child is an individual as well, and just as our acceptance levels change from person to person, so do they with our own children. More on this is outlines in Chapter One of the P.E.T. book.

As for using the skills with very young children, you will learn that there are ways of listening to AND talking to kids this young by using nonverbal messages and the like. As Thomas Gordon wrote in the P.E.T. book, "It is a misperception that Active Listening is useful only for children old enough to talk." By showing or "acting it out" instead of using speech, you can help determine what your child needs or what he might be saying to you. More on this is in Chapter Five of the P.E.T. book.

Lastly, you sound confused about how to use P.E.T. with safety issues. It wounds silly to send your children an I-Message right before they are about to seriously injure themselves. Here is the only exception to using your parental power to interfere before your child gets hurt. When safety is a concern, do whatever means necessary to get them out of danger. You might want to preface these things by using Preventive I-Messages (before an incident occurs), Confrontive I-Messages (during or after an incident), or even by modifying the environment to prevent any accidents from occurring. Of course, there is much more on this throughout the P.E.T. book.



I hope this helps answer your questions and please feel free to follow up.  :)

(P.S. Please email us to give your shipping information for your free book and sticker: info@gordontraining.com.)

Submit Your Parenting Questions to P.E.T.

Happy Spring and Hello to all,

We've shared many stories of "others" here - now's the time to talk about Y-O-U. (Don't worry - we will keep you anonymous if you'd like!)

For the next several weeks, GTI would like to offer this blog as a platform for you to send us your parenting questions, concerns or any issue that you're "stumped" on how to deal with.

All questions can be submitted in the comment box below and your name can be left anonymous if you prefer. We've changed the settings here so that you don't have to sign in anywhere in order to comment.

Just remember - if you do choose to ask us a question anonymously, you will have to come back and check to see if your question was answered. And to receive your book and sticker, send us an email with your shipping info to family@gordontraining.com

Questions will be answered once per week, and those whose questions are used here will receive a free P.E.T. book and this bumper sticker:

Tune in next week with the first Q&A post and giveaway!

Listen!

Listen!

There’s a poem about listening by an unknown author. This little poem expresses several thoughts about what people want from their partners, friends, and children.

Listen

When I ask you to listen to me

And you start giving me advice

You have not done what I asked.

When I ask you to listen to me

And you begin to tell me why

I shouldn’t feel that way

You are trampling on my feelings.

When I ask you to listen to me

and you think you have to do something

to solve my problem

you have failed me,

strange as that may seem.

Listen! All I asked was that you listen,

not talk or do…just hear me.

advice is cheap; twenty five cents will get

you both Dear Abby and Billy Graham

in the same newspaper.

And I can do for myself. I am not

helpless. Maybe discouraged

and faltering, but not helpless.

When you do something for me

that I can do for myself

you contribute to my fear

and inadequacy.

But when you accept as a

simple fact that I do

feel what I feel,

no matter how irrational,

then I can quit trying to convince

you and can get about this business

of understanding what’s behind

this irrational feeling.

And when that’s clear, the answers are

obvious and I don’t need advice.

Irrational feelings make sense when

we understand what’s behind them.

Perhaps that’s why prayer works

sometimes, for some people…because

god is mute, and doesn’t give

advice or try to fix things.

He (or She) just listens

and let’s you work it out

yourself.

So please listen and just hear me

and if you want to talk, wait a minute for

your turn…and I’ll listen to you.*

*Writings from Dr. Thomas Gordon