The Problem With Permissive Parenting

The most common misconception about Parent Effectiveness Training is that it encourages parents to "give-in" to their child's every desire. The idea that permissiveness is the alternative to power is a false dichotomy in itself. While permissiveness is, by definition, the opposite of strict, these options are not the only two that parents have. Moreover, the idea of meeting somewhere in the middle (i.e. compromise) falls on the same Strict-to-Lenient continuum, of which P.E.T. does not endorse. 

Much is to be said about the negative outcomes of using parental power, but the effects of permissive parenting are just as damaging.

In any win-lose relationship, the unbalance of power takes form in a multitude of ways. Depending on the relationship and degree of power used on the parent, the side effects on the child can include:

• Lack of consideration for the needs of others
• Resistance in cooperation in group dynamics
• Lack of empathy toward others
• Inability to adapt to new environments
• Lack of problem solving skills
• Difficulty maintaining healthy adult relationships

This style of parenting has effects on the parent as well:

• Resentment/Passive Aggressiveness toward the child
• Lack of affection toward the child
• Emotional distance toward the child

Permissiveness can also show up in the form of becoming falsely accepting toward your child and his or her behaviors. False acceptance is a common method for parents who "don't want to deal with it" and submit to their children's demands, while simultaneously bearing resentment. One of the most serious symptoms of false acceptance is a lack of trust toward the parent which results in constant questioning, uncertainty and delinquency  It's usually quite easy for children to pick up on the non-verbal signals that their parents send them, leaving them in a perpetual state of confusion about what their parent really feels and wants. 

With permissive and authoritarian styles out the window, there lies a need for an alternative. P.E.T. teaches parents the communication methods and skills used for decades by many psychologists. By neither winning, losing or compromise, the P.E.T. method is unique in that it is the only (yes, I said only) approach that is on an entirely different spectrum—one that relies on influence, respect, and true fairness.  

Inconceivable? Check out the Parent Effectiveness Training book or find a workshop near you.

By: Selena George, P.E.T. Program Manager

Is the PET workshop worth the time and money?

We'll let you decide.

Here's what a few recent P.E.T. graduates have said about it:

"I loved the course. Meike's presentation of the material made it easy to understand and apply immediately. I couldn't imagine parenting without it. I have so many wonderful changes in myself and in my two toddlers that I can't begin to list them all. I am very grateful to have found the course and completed it." 

"Excellent instructor. Very enthusiastic, professional, compassionate, practical and knowledgeable!" 

"Before the course my husband and I were thinking about parent counseling to resolve so many issues. We even considered separating, but this course is helping us to communicate better, not only with our child, but with each other." 

"Love it! It's working. My daughter is happier and communicating her needs more. My listening skills are better. I notice quite a few changes particularly that I am a better communicator. I'm expressing my feelings and needs more effectively." 

"This course gave me so many more tools and ideas to positively express myself and resolve conflicts in a pleasant way" 

- from graduates of P.E.T. Instructor, Meike Lemmens: http://www.parentingclassesoc.com/

To sign up for one of Meike's P.E.T. workshops (in the Los Angeles, CA area), please send an email to family@gordontraining.com for more information.

~ follow P.E.T. on Twitter and Facebook for tips, promos and giveaways ~

Answer to Last Week's Parenting Question: Safety

Greetings all,

Here is the question we chose to answer from last week's invite to ask us a parenting question:


While reading P.E.T. I had many a-hah moments more so when I remembered going on L.E.T. years earlier. But I'm still frustrated in implementing some of this with low verbal toddlers. I'm working on it though, making mistakes but still trying. Any extra information would be appreciated even better if it helps me deal with twin toddlers with different base personalities (which is a good thing) and different levels of verbal abilities.


My specific question revolves around those things that are direct safety issues. No, they don't "have" to hold my hand while crossing a road but they can't dash across the street on their own. Yes, they can fill and turn on the kettle but they can't play in the water that comes out of it (no matter how much they scream). How do I get across that something is dangerous without demonstrating the consequences (fire burns, sharp knives poked into your brother will cut him etc). I want them to question things but there really are some things around safety where mommy does know best.


Dear  Selmada,

Thank you for submitting your question here on the P.E.T. blog. It's cool to hear that you've taken L.E.T. as well! It sounds like L.E.T. gave you a good foundation before reading the P.E.T. book.

First, your question about toddlers with different speech levels and personalities is relevant to two things: (1) the behavior window and (2) using I-Messages with young children.

You might notice your level of acceptance change between both of the children. Each child is an individual as well, and just as our acceptance levels change from person to person, so do they with our own children. More on this is outlines in Chapter One of the P.E.T. book.

As for using the skills with very young children, you will learn that there are ways of listening to AND talking to kids this young by using nonverbal messages and the like. As Thomas Gordon wrote in the P.E.T. book, "It is a misperception that Active Listening is useful only for children old enough to talk." By showing or "acting it out" instead of using speech, you can help determine what your child needs or what he might be saying to you. More on this is in Chapter Five of the P.E.T. book.

Lastly, you sound confused about how to use P.E.T. with safety issues. It wounds silly to send your children an I-Message right before they are about to seriously injure themselves. Here is the only exception to using your parental power to interfere before your child gets hurt. When safety is a concern, do whatever means necessary to get them out of danger. You might want to preface these things by using Preventive I-Messages (before an incident occurs), Confrontive I-Messages (during or after an incident), or even by modifying the environment to prevent any accidents from occurring. Of course, there is much more on this throughout the P.E.T. book.



I hope this helps answer your questions and please feel free to follow up.  :)

(P.S. Please email us to give your shipping information for your free book and sticker: info@gordontraining.com.)

How To Know If P.E.T. Is Right For You?

So you've decided that you want to learn more about being a "better" parent. After all, it is widely considered to be the most important job you can ever take on. While that's true, you might also be realizing that you have no experience, skill or education on how to effectively raise a responsible and happy child. The stuff that you're trying now just isn't working and you feel terrible every time you yell at your kids. The future generation is in YOUR hands! Now what?

Well first of all, kudos to you for taking the first step in seeking knowledge about how to manage important duty.

You might ask yourself a few questions like:

• Does punishment really work? 
• Is compromise necessary? 
• Should parents hold the power?
• Are there other skills out there that you've never even heard of?

Since we know that you won't just go out and purchase the first parenting book that you come across (promise us you won't do that!), we've broken down and eight of the most common parent training programs out there and compared them with our Parent Effectiveness Training (P.E.T.)

In the article, you will find P.E.T. compared with:

1. Parent Effectiveness Training (P.E.T.)
2. Nonviolent Communication (N.V.C.)
3. How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk
4. Systematic Training for Effective Parenting (S.T.E.P.)
5. Active Parenting
6. Love and Logic
7. Triple P (Positive Parenting Program)
8. Dare to Discipline

To read the comparison, click here to find the article: Parenting Program Comparison

Comment below, let us know what you think!

What's Coming in 2012

Considering that 2011 hasn't even ended yet, we are pleased to see an impressive lineup for 2012 already! Check out our website calendar to find out all of the upcoming P.E.T. workshops coming soon near you.

You can always check back the link here for regular updates and new additions:

http://www.gordontraining.com/parent-programs/p-e-t-workshops-for-parents/

P.E.T. Workshop Calendar
Date	Location
Ongoing private instruction	San Diego, CA
Ongoing private instruction	Solana Beach, CA
Ongoing private instruction	Seattle, WA
November 2, 2012 – December 21, 2012	Montreal, Quebec
November 20, 2012 – February 12, 2012	Pacific Palisades, CA
January 9, 2012 – March 5, 2012	Las Vegas, NV
January 11 – February 9, 2012	San Jose, CA
January 12 – March 8, 2012	Redmond, WA
January 24 – March 20, 2012	Solana Beach, CA
January 24 – March 27, 2012	Huntington Beach, CA*
January 25 – March 14, 2012	Irvine, CA
January 25 – March 14, 2012	Fullerton, CA
January 26 – March 15, 2012	Redondo Beach, CA

* Childcare available

For more information or to sign up for a P.E.T. workshop near you, email us at family@gordontraining.com.