Disclosure Versus Disarray

What Type of Anger Personality Do You Have?

In P.E.T., Instructors teach many valuable tools to communicate more effectively, specifically when it comes to expressing your own feelings. In the workshop, we practice the use of sharing our positive or negative feelings via I-Messages. The funny thing is, some parents tend to have a longer list of those negative ones!

Anger and frustration are emotions commonly shared among most (if not all) parents. From time to time, your kids, spouses, co-workers and relatives will drive you nuts!

How do you express your anger?

Hidden Styles: Some keep their anger to themselves almost entirely. You may have met these people who are commonly referred to as a "push-over" or a "Yes man." These are the types who are so afraid of confrontation that they avoid it by any means necessary. They don't want to hurt the other's feelings, escalate the disagreement or have that uncomfortable "we need to talk" conversation. The inward-anger personality does this act of holding it in at a pretty high cost to themselves: stress, tension and anxiety.

Explosive Styles: Others erupt. Their anger comes out in strangely short-lived but intense bursts. This might come out as physical aggression, yelling, shouting and making your presence and anger be known within a five-mile radius. These types see inconveniences and injustices as threat to themselves, often taking things personally whether something was directed at them or not. Exploders tend to also be the kinds of people who internalize most of there frustration only to let it build up and eventually, to erupt.

Chronic Styles: Chronic anger personality styles are individuals who have developed a long-term general emotional state of being bitter and resentful. Their triggers are common, frequent and habitual. Similar to the explosive style, these are the types who take things personally more often than not and usually have some way of moralizing the reasoning for their frustrations. Cases like these are extreme, and likely fall under the umbrella of having an "anger disorder."

Whether justified or not, your tendency to get angry is directly influenced by your level of acceptance or in-acceptance with your childrens behavior. Upon first being introduced to the Confrontive I-Message, some parents go home eager to confront their children, feeling entitled to spew out their pent-up frustrations. It can be difficult to discern a Confrontive I-Message from what might actually be a hidden You-Message. It's hard for children not to feel as though they are the cause of your anger, no matter how you word it.

But taking a closer look at anger, we see that it is only the "tip of the iceberg" of other more primal emotions. Although our anger can be very real and very unpleasant, what's really going on beneath the anger are feelings of helplessness, fear, anxiety, hurt and sadness to name a few.

P.E.T. teaches us an effective alternative to letting our anger and blame out on our children.

Dr. Thomas Gordon put it best:

"Parents learn in P.E.T. that if they frequently vent angry You-Messages, they had better hold a mirror up to themselves and ask, "What is going on inside me?" "What needs of mine are being threatened by my child's behavior?" "What are my own primary feelings?" One mother courageously admitted in class that she had so often been angry at her children because she was deeply disappointed that having children prevented her from going on to graduate school to become a schoolteacher. She discovered that her angry feelings were actually resentment because she was disappointed at having her own career plans interrupted."

-P.E.T. Book p. 146, F.E.T. Adult Resource Book Session 3, p. 45

With a good amount of self-awareness and asking ourselves these questions, we will all be able to decipher our most primal emotions and take a step back before reacting in unproductive ways.

by Selena Cruz George, Program Manager

What is Unacceptable to You?

When You Own the Problem

Being in relationships with other people--parents, sisters, brothers, friends--inevitably means that at times their behavior will be unacceptable to you because it interferes with you getting your needs met, prevents you from enjoying your life or makes you angry.

You want to use skills that will be effective in bringing about a change in the other person's behavior and yet not hurt the relationship. Your task then is to tell the other person that you need his or her help. You want to be honest, but you want to do it in such a way that your message doesn't make the other person feel put-down, hurt, angry or unwilling to change the behavior that is giving you a problem. Unfortunately, most people find it is not easy to do this. Here are some of the reasons:

• We are often afraid to confront others in the first place because we fear dealing with their feelings afterward.
• We are upset or even angry and don't want the other person to know it.
• We fear getting into an argument or conflict.
• We are afraid we will make the other person embarrassed, sorry or even guilty.

Here are things to consider when the behavior of others is unacceptable and causes you a problem:

• Their behavior which effects you is simply a sign that they are trying to get some need of their own met.
• They have as much right to get their needs met as you do yours.
• They often don't even know their behavior is causing you a problem. So, if you want to solve your problem you must tell them.*

*Excerpt from Dr. Thomas Gordon's F.E.T. Young Adult Resource Book

What Are the Negative Effects of the 12 Roadblocks?

The Negative Effects of the 12 Roadblocks

Here's a list of reactions people have told us they had when they owned a problem and the other person used the Roadblocks:

They made me:

• stop talking, shut me off.
• argue.
• feel resentful or angry.
• feel I'm being pressured to change--not accepted as I am.
• feel I'm not being understood.
• feel I've been interrupted.
• feel I'm on the witness stand being cross-examined.
• defensive and resistant.
• feel inadequate, inferior.
• feel guilty or bad.
• feel the other person doesn't trust me to solve my problem.
• feel my feelings aren't justified.
• feel frustrated.
• feel the listener is just not interested.*

*Excerpt from Dr. Thomas Gordon's F.E.T. Young Adult Resource Book

Why is Clear Self-Disclosure Difficult?

We sometimes hide our true selves--our thoughts, feelings and opinions.

We're afraid of disapproval, disagreement, criticism or rejection by others. The need to be liked and accepted is very strong.

So we keep our real thoughts and feelings to ourselves.

We lose touch with what our true feelings are.

We later become angry and resentful because we didn't speak out.

Other's don't know what we really think, feel and need so they can't help us get our needs met.*

*Excerpt from Dr. Thomas Gordon's F.E.T. Young Adult Resource book

Angry much?

Anger

__________________

Unfortunately, often when another person's behavior causes us a problem we get angry and put the blame on them.

Anger is like the tip of an iceberg. It's the part you show to others, but you have other feelings that are more important.

People often "act" mad to cover up those deeper feelings that are hurting them. Anger is sometimes a feeling people have after they have had an earlier feelings.

They don't want to seem soft, vulnerable, or weak so they often act phony. They don't show their true feelings.

They say things like:

"You're not being fair."
"You're a big (swear word.)"

"This is all your fault."

"If you hadn't acted like such a jerk, this wouldn't have happened."

An angry message usually makes the other person feel put down, blamed, guilty, etc. When people hear angry statements like these, they get defensive and want to strike back. Such angry messages can really damage relationships.

Such angry statements are often "You-Messages" because they focus on the other person and usually contain "You." They blame the other person.

Below the surface of the water and under the anger, are feelings like hurt, fear, rejection, jealousy, loneliness, worry, etc.

Here's an example:

You're crossing the street and have the right of way; a car runs a red light and narrowly misses hitting you head-on. What would you actually be feeling first? (fear?)

A minute later, the driver pulls into a gas station and you spot the car. What might you be feeling then? (anger?)

Think about the last time you were angry at someone. Were there any other feelings--just before or just after feeling angry?*

*Excerpt from Dr. Thomas Gordon's Family Effectiveness Training (F.E.T.) Young Adult Resource book

Effects of Parental Power: Resentment, Anger, Hostility

Children resent those who have power over them. It feels unfair and often unjust. They resent the fact that parents or teachers are bigger and stronger, if such advantage is used to control them or restrict their freedom.

"Pick on someone your own size" is a frequent feeling of children when an adult uses his or her power.

It seems to be a universal response of human beings at any age to feel deeply resentful and angry toward someone on whom they are, to a greater or lesser degree, dependent for providing gratification of their needs. Most people don't respond favorably to those who hold power to dispense or withhold rewards. They resent the fact that someone else controls the means for satisfying their needs. They wish they themselves were in control. Also, most people crave this independence because it is risky to depend on another. There is the risk that the person on whom one is dependent will turn out to be less than dependable--unfair, prejudiced, inconsistent, unreasonable; or the person with the power may demand conformity to her own values and standards as a price of her rewards.

This is why employees of highly paternalistic employers--those who are generous in giving "benefits" and "bonuses" (on condition that the employees will gratefully acced to management's efforts to control by authority) are frequently resentful and hostile "to the hand that feeds them." Historians of industrial relations have pointed out that some of the most violent strikes hit companies where the management had been "benevolently paternalistic." This is also why the policy of a "have" nation giving handouts to a "have-not" nation so frequently results in the dependent nation's hostility toward the stronger one, much to the consternation of the "giver."