To All Children, Their Parents Are First Seen As Gods

An excerpt from the P.E.T. book

This "psychological size" differential exists not only because children see their parents as bigger and stonger, but also as more knowledgeable, more competent. To the young child there seems to be nothing her parents to not know, nothing they cannot do. She marvels at the breadth of their understanding, the accuracy of their predictions, the wisdom of their judgement.

While some of these perceptions may at times be accurate, others are not. Children attribute many traits, characteristics and capabilities to their parents that are not based on reality at all. Few parents know as much as young children think they do. Experience is not always the "best teacher," as the child will later conclude when she becomes an adolescent and an adult and can judge her parents against a broader base of her own experience. And wisdom is not always related to age. Many parents find it difficult to admit, but those who are more honest with themselves recognize how exaggerated are children's evaluations of Mom and Dad.

While the cards are stacked in favor of the parents' far greater psychological size to begin with, many mothers and fathers foster the difference. They deliberately hide their limitations and mistakes in judgement from their children; or they promote myths as "We know what's best for you" or "When you're older you'll realize how right we were."

I've always been intrigued to observe that when parents talk about their own mothers and fathers, they readily see in retrospect their mistakes and limitations; yet they will strongly resist the notion that they are subject to the same kinds of errors of judgement and lack of wisdom in relation to their own children.

-Dr. Thomas Gordon

Answer to Last Week's Parenting Question: Safety

Greetings all,

Here is the question we chose to answer from last week's invite to ask us a parenting question:


While reading P.E.T. I had many a-hah moments more so when I remembered going on L.E.T. years earlier. But I'm still frustrated in implementing some of this with low verbal toddlers. I'm working on it though, making mistakes but still trying. Any extra information would be appreciated even better if it helps me deal with twin toddlers with different base personalities (which is a good thing) and different levels of verbal abilities.


My specific question revolves around those things that are direct safety issues. No, they don't "have" to hold my hand while crossing a road but they can't dash across the street on their own. Yes, they can fill and turn on the kettle but they can't play in the water that comes out of it (no matter how much they scream). How do I get across that something is dangerous without demonstrating the consequences (fire burns, sharp knives poked into your brother will cut him etc). I want them to question things but there really are some things around safety where mommy does know best.


Dear  Selmada,

Thank you for submitting your question here on the P.E.T. blog. It's cool to hear that you've taken L.E.T. as well! It sounds like L.E.T. gave you a good foundation before reading the P.E.T. book.

First, your question about toddlers with different speech levels and personalities is relevant to two things: (1) the behavior window and (2) using I-Messages with young children.

You might notice your level of acceptance change between both of the children. Each child is an individual as well, and just as our acceptance levels change from person to person, so do they with our own children. More on this is outlines in Chapter One of the P.E.T. book.

As for using the skills with very young children, you will learn that there are ways of listening to AND talking to kids this young by using nonverbal messages and the like. As Thomas Gordon wrote in the P.E.T. book, "It is a misperception that Active Listening is useful only for children old enough to talk." By showing or "acting it out" instead of using speech, you can help determine what your child needs or what he might be saying to you. More on this is in Chapter Five of the P.E.T. book.

Lastly, you sound confused about how to use P.E.T. with safety issues. It wounds silly to send your children an I-Message right before they are about to seriously injure themselves. Here is the only exception to using your parental power to interfere before your child gets hurt. When safety is a concern, do whatever means necessary to get them out of danger. You might want to preface these things by using Preventive I-Messages (before an incident occurs), Confrontive I-Messages (during or after an incident), or even by modifying the environment to prevent any accidents from occurring. Of course, there is much more on this throughout the P.E.T. book.



I hope this helps answer your questions and please feel free to follow up.  :)

(P.S. Please email us to give your shipping information for your free book and sticker: info@gordontraining.com.)

What Makes A Happy & Loving Home?

Recently, I spoke with a P.E.T. Instructor who says that she has been coming across more parents these days who claim to already have a well-balanced and happy lifestyle with their children and therefore are not in need of Parent Effectiveness Training. This of course, is great news to be heard, although it leaves some skepticism.

When elaborating more upon what it meant to them to have this loving family dynamic, parents explain that their kids are kept extremely busy with multiple sports, music lessons, college prep., etc. Not only are the kids busy with their own extracurricular activities, but so are the parents. In fact, everyone was so preoccupied with other things, that their schedules left little time to even have meals together, let alone get into any arguments. Their case stands that a happy home is one in which there is no conflict at all.

I couldn't help but wonder: If there is no time for conflict, how is there any time for intimacy?

This left me feeling sympathetic for those parents and children who were so busy that they had no time left for each other.

In all close relationships, conflict is inevitable. Never have I heard anyone in a marriage, long-term friendship, a sibling, or the like who could honestly say, "We have never gotten into an argument." Yet at the same time, many of these people would also say that they these very same relationships have been fulfilling, loving and rewarding.

With this in mind, the conclusion that I came to is that the true test of any good relationship isn't whether or not conflict arises, but it is how the conflict is handled.

P.E.T. not only provides ways for families to deal with conflict, but teaches ways to prevent conflict from happening in the first place, when at all possible. This is the reason why we don't offer the P.E.T. skills to be taught "a la carte." Just as you would need more than a hammer to build a home, P.E.T. is an entire set of tools that can be used everyday in every personal interaction. And that's the other beautiful thing about P.E.T. - the principles that P.E.T. teaches can be used in ALL relationships in our lives.

By: Selena Cruz George, Program Manager

Learning Stages and Your P.E.T. Skills

Learning any new skill takes time and practice. P.E.T. is no different from learning a new sport, language or work procedure.

P.E.T. teaches skills and concepts that are foreign to most people. Each person has a feeling about which "stage" of learning you are in. These are the four basic stages that participants find themselves in during and after going through the P.E.T. course, reading the P.E.T. Book or completing the F.E.T. Program.

Stage 1: Unconsciously Skilled:

You don't know what you don't know. You interact with your children and others in your relationship network unconscious of the fact that there are P.E.T. alternatives to your usual ways of communicating and solving problems.

Stage 2: Consciously Unskilled:

You know what you don't know (and can't do). Sometimes there are feelings of guilt as parents understand the negative effects of their non-P.E..T. behaviors on their children. The desire to learn and use P.E.T. skills grows.

As you start using your new skills, parents can feel extremely awkward and even phony. At this stage, not only does it seem phony to the parent, but also to the child or other person who is the recipient of their efforts. Using your new skills may sometimes elicit comments like "What's wrong with you?" "You don't usually talk like that!" "Don't try to be my shrink!"

Stage 3: Consciously Skilled:

At this stage in your skill development, parents are conscious about what they are doing. They make clear decisions about when and how to Active Listen and send I-Messages. Even though you are consciously using the skills, in most situations they come across as natural to the child or recipient.

Stage 4: Unconsciously Skilled:

At this stage, using the P.E.T. skills is done with little or no thought - the skills are not turned on and off depending on the situation. Active Listening and I-Messages have become the normal way the parent communicates. This stage is equivalent to Mastery Level learning in education.

However, even when this level has been reached by an individual, there are still times and circumstances, such as extreme stress or difficult conflicts, when you revert to consciously thinking about how and when to use the P.E.T. skills.

Being unconsciously skilled also does not mean that a person has "arrived" and has no more room for improvement. Ongoing refinement and mastery of the P.E.T. philosophy and skills continue on as a part of a person's life-long learning process.

So what stage are you in? As always, questions and comments are encouraged! Feel free to post a comment or question here on the blog or email family@gordontraining.com.

You can also find regular updates, interesting facts, quotes, skill reminders and more on Facebook and Twitter.

Like us on Facebook here: http://www.facebook.com/pages/Parent-Effectiveness-Training-PET/38886197254

Or Follow us on Twitter here: http://twitter.com/#!/P_E_T

This month's Family Connection Newsletter is going out tomorrow, so if you haven't already signed up, you can do so by filling out your name and email address on the lower right side of this page: http://www.gordontraining.com/parent-programs/

Posted by Selena Cruz George, P.E.T. Program Manager

What is Unacceptable to You?

When You Own the Problem

Being in relationships with other people--parents, sisters, brothers, friends--inevitably means that at times their behavior will be unacceptable to you because it interferes with you getting your needs met, prevents you from enjoying your life or makes you angry.

You want to use skills that will be effective in bringing about a change in the other person's behavior and yet not hurt the relationship. Your task then is to tell the other person that you need his or her help. You want to be honest, but you want to do it in such a way that your message doesn't make the other person feel put-down, hurt, angry or unwilling to change the behavior that is giving you a problem. Unfortunately, most people find it is not easy to do this. Here are some of the reasons:

• We are often afraid to confront others in the first place because we fear dealing with their feelings afterward.
• We are upset or even angry and don't want the other person to know it.
• We fear getting into an argument or conflict.
• We are afraid we will make the other person embarrassed, sorry or even guilty.

Here are things to consider when the behavior of others is unacceptable and causes you a problem:

• Their behavior which effects you is simply a sign that they are trying to get some need of their own met.
• They have as much right to get their needs met as you do yours.
• They often don't even know their behavior is causing you a problem. So, if you want to solve your problem you must tell them.*

*Excerpt from Dr. Thomas Gordon's F.E.T. Young Adult Resource Book

Why Are There Conditions for Active Listening?

The Appropriate Conditions for Active Listening

To listen to another with the intention of helping that person deal with a personal problem is to assume a counseling posture. Such a postures is characterized by having the intention of helping another person; using good attending behavior; being accepting, empathic, and genuine; and using Active Listening. For this counseling posture to work well, certain conditions must be present; otherwise, either the sender of the listener, or both, may resent or regret the experience. The following are the necessary conditions:

Conditions Within the Other Person

____________________________________________________________

1. Must be having strong feelings and/or be aware of having a problem,

2. Must be giving off cues and clues that express those feelings or problems ("I'm worried, I've got a problem," crying, sulking, etc.) and

3. Must be willing to talk to the listener about the situation.

What happens if these conditions are not present in the other person?

If feelings or problems are not present in the other person, or s/he is not willing to talk, taking a counseling posture can imply that the sender is "sick" and the listener is well, and Active Listening may seem like a maddening, demeaning word game. The "counselor" at such times may be greeted with scorn or hostility.

Conditions Within the Listener

______________________________________________________________

The listener must have a genuinely helpful "set" in the following areas:

1. Feel genuinely accepting (not needing to change the sender).

2. Want to help (not just be turning on a technique).

3. Have, and want to take, enough time.

(If not, a later appointment can be set up. Or if talk takes more time than expected, it can be continued at a later, agreed upon time.)

4. Trust that the other, with some helpful support, can solve their own problem better than the listener can.

What sometimes makes this difficult to believe is our long exposure to the authoritative, culturally-accepted "medical model" for helping another. In that model, any helper is seen as analogous to a "doctor" who gathers symptoms and data, diagnoses the patient's problem, and decides on an prescribes the best treatment. The helpee, as the "patient", is then expected to follow "doctor's orders." Within this cultural orientation, it is often hard to believe that the other people are their own best experts for solving their own problems.

(Incidentally, the medical profession itself is beginning to trade in this archaic approach in favor of involving patients more more in their own treatment.)

5. Feel reasonably separate from the other person and the problem.

This means recognizing clearly that you are not the other person; that his or her pain is not your pain; the other person owns the problem, not you; and that you are empathizing, not identifying.

What happens if these conditions are not present in the listener?

If these conditions are not met, the listener's Active Listening will inevitably (and usually unconsciously) reflect that in the form of:

1. Attempts to change or influence the other person with hidden solutions, judgments, etc. buried in the feedbacks.
2. Nonverbal cues of unacceptance or lack of interest.
3. Inability to decode the other person's real messages. The "inner ear" will be turned off.

The send will experience such Active Listening as manipulative, condescending, frustrating or boring, and will react with scorn or hostility.

In short, if these conditions are not met inside the listener, the time is not right for him/her to become a counselor. Instead, the listener should reevaluate the behavior responded to in terms of its placement in the Behavior Window and look again for the most appropriate choice of skills.*

* Excerpt from Dr. Thomas Gordon's F.E.T. Adult Resource Book

What is Unique About Family Effectiveness Training?

Focus on Relationships

The Gordon Model focuses on relationships as opposed to single individuals.

In the last 50 years we have seen the development of a new technology--a New Science of Interpersonal Relationships.

This new focus on relationships is a welcome one because relationships with others are important in every person's life. Each of us conceived as a result of an intimate relationship, each of was born into a relationship, and then lived most of our lives in relationships. All of these relationships greatly influence the kind of person each of us becomes.

Dr. Gordon has contributed to this new science of relationships by identifying the components of good relationships and developing training programs to teach them to others.

This family-focused training program is his most recent contribution to this new science.

Research-Based Facts, Not Opinions

People have been forming opinions and giving advice about family relationships long before there was any kind of "science". Today one can easily read or hear all manner of opinions about how to have a loving and lasting marriage or what is the best way to raise children. Much of it, however, has not been confirmed scientifically until recently.

Thousands of scientific research studies have built this new science, particularly studies focused on relationships in families, in schools, and in organizations.

We now have greater understanding of what makes these relationships healthy, strong, desirable, and lasting. Throughout this training program you will find many references to research studies that have proven what makes good relationships and what breaks them.

One exciting discovery of this new science of relationships is that there are common skills for making all your relationships sound and satisfying.

One Blueprint for All Relationships

This is another unique feature of Gordon Training: the skills you'll learn in this program will also strengthen and enrich all your relationships outside the family as well. "One set of skills fit all." This program will definitely teach the same skills taught in Dr. Gordon's Parent Effectiveness Training (P.E.T.), the course that launched the parent training movement in the U.S. in 1962 and has now trained well over a million parents in 50 countries. The same skills have been show to strengthen marriages, teacher-student relationships, and manager-worker relationships.

Clear Thinking About Words and Important Ideas

This training program is unique in explaining some of the knotty and confusing words and ideas your hear about families and parenting. Understanding the different meanings of these terms will help you understand why there is widespread disagreement about the "best way" to keep marriages intact or to raise good children. Did you know there are four entirely different meanings of the word "authority?" Also, there are two very different meanings for "discipline".

More tomorrow on what is so unique about F.E.T.

Thanksgiving & P.E.T.

Hi everyone! Stephanie from GTI here.

The P.E.T. Blog's poll question for the past couple of weeks has been, "Do the holidays bring more or less conflict to your life?" Of the five answer choices, there was only one that that received zero votes: "What is conflict? We're all peace and harmony."

Most of us know by now that if we have human contact, we will encounter conflict. And we also know that is why we can be thankful that there is P.E.T.!

For the start of the holiday season, we would like to invite all of you to share your stories of conflict, and how you resolved (or didn't resolve) the conflict. Feel free to give as much or as little information about the story as you want.

This is a free-form, open-ended question!...here are some questions to consider if you like...Did you find any P.E.T. skills particularly helpful in the situation? If you could go back and do it all over again, would you handle it differently?