Discipline That Works

The discipline issue arises as an inner conflict for the majority of parents. In Parent Effectiveness Training (P.E.T.) classes we find that most parents start the class torn between being authoritarian and being permissive, just like this mother expressed: "With our first child I was strict and that didn't work, so when the second child came I decided to be lenient, but that hasn't really worked either."

Looking at the noun discipline and the verb discipline, some critical differences become apparent. As a noun, discipline is usually understood as behavior and order in accord with rules and regulations, or behavior maintained by training as in "discipline in the classroom." You seldom hear any controversy about the noun discipline. Everybody seems to be in favor of that kind. The word conjures up order, organization, cooperation, knowing and following rules and procedures, and a consideration for the rights of others.

The verb to discipline is commonly defined as "to bring to a state of order and obedience by training and control" and "to punish or penalize; correct, chastise." Just like: "If kids are not disciplined at home they will be troublemakers at school."

Understanding the difference between the noun and the verb forms of discipline is of utmost importance for yet another reason: it clarifies that the discipline controversy is really about how we should deal with kids (the means) and not about what we want them to do (the ends.) Most people would agree that we want kids to be orderly, cooperative, and considerate, but there are intense differences about whether disciplining (the verb) is the best means to bring about discipline (the noun,) a generally agreed-upon end.

In discussions of discipline, it is quite often assumed that the only way to get discipline (the noun), both at home and in the classroom, is for parents to discipline (the verb) - that is, control, punish, penalize, correct, and chastise children.

P.E.T. is based on considerable evidence refuting this widely-held belief. Dr. Thomas Gordon's three nominations for the Nobel Peace Prize were a result of this work which is guiding parents to the discovery that disciplining children may be the least effective way to get discipline at home.

Have A Values Collision?

Values Collisions

When you have a values collision, the first step is to understand the real differences between you and the other person. Active Listening is the best tool for doing this.

The next step requires you to make a choice. Can you accept the differences and let things be, or do you really feel it important to try to change the other person?

Can you reconsider your values and perhaps move closer to the other person's? Can you decide to accept the differences between you as they are and stop colliding?

If you decide to change the other person, you must consider the risk to the relationship. Is it worth it to try to change my friend? Will it hurt our friendship?

If changing the other is really important to you, start by attempting to change the specific behavior of the other that is upsetting for you.

I-Messages or No-Lose Problem Solving are the skills to use to change another's behavior that is upsetting you.

And finally, even if you've succeeded in changing the other's actions, you may still want to influence the other to change his/her value.

If you feel very strongly that the person would be much "better off" or "happier" if your values were adopted, there are two new skills you can learn to influence (but not control) the other to change.

1. MODELING: setting a personal example for the other; acting out, really living the values that you believe in; over a period of time your values may be adopted by the other person.
2. CONSULTING: influencing or persuading the other by pointing out the advantages of your values; to be effective, your consultation must be welcomed and preferably invited by the other person.*

*Excerpt from Dr. Thomas Gordon's F.E.T. Young Adult Resource Book