To All Children, Their Parents Are First Seen As Gods

An excerpt from the P.E.T. book

This "psychological size" differential exists not only because children see their parents as bigger and stonger, but also as more knowledgeable, more competent. To the young child there seems to be nothing her parents to not know, nothing they cannot do. She marvels at the breadth of their understanding, the accuracy of their predictions, the wisdom of their judgement.

While some of these perceptions may at times be accurate, others are not. Children attribute many traits, characteristics and capabilities to their parents that are not based on reality at all. Few parents know as much as young children think they do. Experience is not always the "best teacher," as the child will later conclude when she becomes an adolescent and an adult and can judge her parents against a broader base of her own experience. And wisdom is not always related to age. Many parents find it difficult to admit, but those who are more honest with themselves recognize how exaggerated are children's evaluations of Mom and Dad.

While the cards are stacked in favor of the parents' far greater psychological size to begin with, many mothers and fathers foster the difference. They deliberately hide their limitations and mistakes in judgement from their children; or they promote myths as "We know what's best for you" or "When you're older you'll realize how right we were."

I've always been intrigued to observe that when parents talk about their own mothers and fathers, they readily see in retrospect their mistakes and limitations; yet they will strongly resist the notion that they are subject to the same kinds of errors of judgement and lack of wisdom in relation to their own children.

-Dr. Thomas Gordon

What Do You Say to Get Through to Your Teenager?

Through each passing generation, there remain only a few socio-cultural constants that repeat themselves through the decades. Rebellious, overconfident and stubborn teenagers are one group that has stood the test of time. We've figured out ways to video-conference from around the globe, send 3-D images from deep space back to Earth and even locate our own global position from the screens of our handy cellphones. Yet it seems we haven't come a lick closer to shrinking the defiant teenager epidemic.

In a recent conversation with a friend, I realized that I'd personally heard his exact questions asked by parents over and over throughout the years...

"But what do I need to say to get through to him?" 

"How can I reach him so that he realizes the consequences that this could have on him later in life? 

"What do I say to make him care?"

Most people think they have an answer for this. How about talking to the kids in their "lingo", try to have a close family friend of mentor talk to them instead of mom and dad, or explain to them the worst-case scenario to make them scared? Surely, these ways would work right?

Wrong.

The fault lies within the question itself when parents and family members ask: what can I say to them? (Keyword: say)

Without a crucial first step, we may never get to have influence on teenagers. We may talk and lecture until we're blue in the face, but it's high time we start listening to what's really going on inside the hearts and minds of our budding young generation.

Active Listening has proven to be the most effective way to begin a conversation surrounding the conflict at hand. Ordering, advising and sympathizing might be some of our knee-jerk reactions in responding to our teenagers. But let's face it, they don't like to be told what to do just as much as we don't. Asking more questions about the details of their problem only alludes to your segue in finding them the "right answer" for their given problem.

When others feel truly understood, they can begin to move towards a solution to meet their needs. Understanding teenagers on the deepest level can be done shockingly well through active listening. It is then that we can uncover what their own hidden needs are that are navigating their behaviors.

For example, 

• They don't want to seem like a "loser" at school by wearing old clothes

• They are tired of not being "allowed" to make their own decisions

• They are going through something heavy at home, and make drastic attempts to get attention at in other areas

 After which, teens might begin to re-steer the direction of their choices. In some cases after active listening has been done, a new, more trusting relationship is built. This trust sets the scene that can move you into an advisory/teaching position. But be careful, teaching and advising only gives the facts, not our opinions. Under these circumstances are we truly able to have a real and lasting influence on our teenagers.

What do you think? Let me know! Please share and comment below.

For more on Active Listening and to learn how to practice this skill effectively, please see this article: http://www.gordontraining.com/wp-content/uploads/ActiveListening_RogersFarson.pdf

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by: Selena Cruz George, Program Manager

Active Listening At the Wrong Times

Unsuccessful experiences of parents who first try Active Listening often occur because parents use it at inappropriate times. As with any good thing, Active Listening can be overdone.

There are times when kids don't wnt to talk about their feelings, even to two empathic ears. They may want to live with their feelings for awhile. They may find it too painful at the moment to talk. They may not have the time to enter into a lengthy cathartic session with a parent. Parents should respect the child's need for privacy in her world of feelings and not try to push her to talk.

No matter how good a door-opener Active Listening is, kids often don't want to walk through. One mother told how her daughter found a way to tell her when she did not feel like talking: "Knock it off! I know it might help to talk, but I just don't feel like it now. So, please, no Active Listening right now, Mother."

Sometimes parents open the door with Active Listening when they lack time to stick around and hear all the feelings bottled up within the child. Such hit-and-run tactics are not only unfair to the child, but hurt the relationship. The child will come to feel her parents do not care enough to hear her out. We tell parents: "Don't start Active Listening unless you have the time to hear all of the feelings this skill so often releases."

Some parents have experienced resistance because they used Active Listening when a child needs different help. When a child is legitimately asking for information, for a helping hand, or for some special resource of the parent, she may have no need to talk out or work through something.

Parents sometimes gro so enamored of Active Listening that they employ it when the child does not need to be "drawn out" or encouraged to get in touch with her deeper feelings. It will be obvious how inappropriate Active Listening is in the following theoretical situations:

1.

CHILD: Hey, Mom, can you give me a ride downtown Saturday? I've got to do some shopping.

MOM: You'd like a ride downtown Saturday.

2.

CHILD: What time are you and Mom coming home?

PARENT: You are really puzzled as to when we are coming home.

3.

CHILD: How much will I have to pay for insurance if I buy my own car?

PARENT: You're worried about the cost of your insurance.

These children probably do not need to be encouraged to communicate more. They are asking for a specific kind of help that is quite different from the help that Active Listening provides. They are not transmitting feelings. They are asking for factual information. To respond to such requests with Active Listening will not only seem strange to teh child; it will often produce frustration and irritation. These are times when a direct answer is what is wanted and called for.

Parents also discover that their children become perturbed when the parent continues to try Active Listening long after the child is finished sending messages. Parents need to know when to quit. Generally, clues will be forthcoming from the child--a facial expression, getting up to leave, silence, being fidgety, looking at her watch, and so on--or the child may say such things as:

"Well, I guess that's about it."

"I don't have time to talk anymore."

"I see things kinda different now."

"Maybe that's enough for now."

"I got a lot of studying tonight."

"Well, I'm taking a lot of your time."

Wise parents back off when they get these clues or messages, even though it does not seem to them that the particular problem has been solved by the child. As professional therapists realize, Active Listening only starts children on the first step of problem-solving--getting the feelings out and the problem defined. Frequently, the children themselves take it from there, eventually winding up with a solution on their own.

Active Listening Guidelines

Active Listening is a powerful tool for helping children express and work through problems and upsets. Active Listening when misused, however, can actually add to a child's problem and undermine the helping relationship. The following guidelines will insure that your use of Active Listening is appropriate and helpful.

When To Use Active Listening

Active Listening requires certain conditions and attitudes to be present before it is an appropriate response to your child's troubled communication. You should Active Listen only when:

• You get verbal or non-verbal cues that your child may have a problem or an unmet need.
• You genuinely want to help and the time and place are convenient.
• You feel accepting of your child; your child's behavior does not cause you a problem.
• You feel separate enough from your child's problem that his solution to the problem, whatever it is, will be acceptable to you.
• You are able to attend closely to your child. None of your concerns are so pressing that they will interfere with your concentration on your child's communication.

When NOT To Use Active Listening

There are clearly times when Active Listening should not be used without risking the creation of more problems. These times include when:

• You get no cues and clues that the child is experiencing a problem. (Don't create them!)
• You don't want to help in this case. You don't care, you're rushed, you're busy.
• Your child's behavior is unacceptable to you. You are irritated or hurt by it.
• You are invested in having your child reach the "right" solution to her problem. (Your Active Listening will then tend to be contaminated by hints in the "right" direction.)
• Your own problems are too upsetting and immediate to allow you to be intently focused on your child's concerns.
• Your child simply needs information which you have and he doesn't.
• Your child states the problem or feelings so clearly and specifically that an attempt to feedback would feel redundant and patronizing. (Silence or acknowledgment is better in such cases.)

It is helpful to use a variety of expressions when you Active Listen. Repetition of one phrase such as "Sounds like..." or "You feel..." rapidly becomes irritating to your child and comes across as a technique rather than a genuine, natural and empathic response.

Practice using different words as you are Active Listening. One way to develop your Active Listening is to think about starting with only one part. This can be either listening to "Facts," thoughts, ideas, information, or listening only to "Feelings."

ACTIVE LISTENING TO FACTS (especially good in the No Problem Area)

• The fact is...
• You think...
• The idea you have is...
• What you are saying is...
• Your view is...
• You believe...

ACTIVE LISTENING TO FEELINGS 

• You feel...
• It's really...
• So you feel...
• Looks like...
• Sounds like you are...
• Seems like your feeling is...

Relax, make your Active Listening as natural as possible. Using analogies that are age and interest appropriate are also good ways to develop a more natural variety of Active Listening responses.

Lead-ins include:

ACTIVE LISTENING TO FACTS AND FEELINGS

• You feel...about...
• It's...when...
• You can't...and that's...
• You're really...because...
• The way you see it is...and that's...
• When...you're really...
• You are...that...

In its complete form Active Listening includes both the "Facts" (content) and the Feelings.

• It's like being hit by a truck.
• You feel your teacher really nailed you to the wall
• You got hung out to dry
• She really shot you down (military or video gaming)
• So it's like you really struck out (sports)

As your Active Listening develops, you can refine it to include listening to multiple feelings and to conflicting thoughts and feelings your children and others have.

ACTIVE LISTENING TO MULTIPLE FEELINGS

When your child has conflicting thoughts or feelings, you can begin by Active Listening to just the dilemma, or if the two parts are equally strong, you can include both of them in your Active Listening.

• "You feel stuck."
• "You feel torn."
• "It's hard to decide."

OR

• You want to stay home and play and you want to go to the store with Mommy.
• You'd like to buy that new video game today and you also want to save your money for a new bike.
• You're excited about the idea of trying out for basketball, at the same time you're worried you might not make the team.
• You feel stuck because you want to keep hanging out with your friends but they've all started smoking and you don't like to be around all their smoke.
• You feel excited about getting asked to the dance and yet you're not sure you want to go with Mike.
• It's hard to decide; you like all the resources a big university has to offer, however, the idea of life at a small college really appeals to you.

You don't need to be perfect! It's reassuring to know that, when you are listening with genuine empathy, your attention is on the child and your intention is to help her identify feelings and solve her own problem it can still "work." Imperfect Active Listening, unlike Roadblocks, will usually be accepted by the other and she will continue to talk about her feelings and explore solutions to problems and decisions.