Does a Parent Run Out of Power?

Parents Inevitably Run Out of Power

Using power to control children works only under special conditions. The parent must be sure to possess the power--the rewards have to be attractive enough to be wanted by the child and the punishments have to be potent enough to warrant avoidance. The child must be dependent upon the parent; the more the child depends on what the parent possesses (rewards), the more power the parent has.

This is true in all human relationships. If I need something very badly--say money to buy food for my children--and I must depend solely on another person for money--probably my employer, then obviously he will have a great deal of power over me. If I am dependent on this one employer, I will be inclined to do almost anything he wants in order to insure getting what I need so desperately. But a person has power over another only as long as the second is in a position of weakness, want, need, deprivation, helplessness, dependency.

As a child becomes less helpless, less dependent upon the parent for what she needs, the parent gradually loses power. This is why parents discover to their dismay that rewards and punishment that worked when their child was younger, become less effective as she grows older.

Parents express feelings that most parents experience as their children begin to grow out of their dependency. This inevitably occurs as children approach adolescence. Now they can acquire many rewards from their own activities (school, sports, friends, achievements). They also begin to figure out ways to avoid their parents' punishments. In those families where the parents have relied principally on power to control and direct their children throughout their early years, the parents inevitably come in for a rude shock when their power runs out and they are left with little or no influence.

The Parent-Child Power Struggle: Who Wins, Who Loses?

Rarely do we find a parent in our classes who does not think of conflict resolution in terms of someone winning and someone losing. This "win-lose" orientation is at the very root of the dilemma of today's parents--whether to be strict (parent wins) or to be lenient (child wins).

Most parents see the whole problem of discipline in child-rearing as a question of being either strict or lenient, tough or soft, authoritarian or permissive. Because they are locked into this either-or approach to discipline, they see their relationship with their children as a power struggle, a contest of wills, a fight to see who wins--a war. Today's parents and their children are literally at war, each thinking in terms of someone winning and someone losing. They even talk about their struggle in much the same way as two nations at war.

When conflict arises between parents and children, most parents try to resolve it in their favor so that the parent wins and the child loses. Others, somewhat fewer in number than the "winners," consistently give in to their children out of fear of conflict of frustrating their children's needs. In these families the child wins and the parent loses. The major dilemma of parents today is that they see only these win-lose approaches.

Are You Listening without Empathy?

A real danger for parents who try to learn Active Listening solely from a book's printed page is their inability to hear the warmth and empathy that must accompany their efforts. Empathy means a quality of communication that conveys to the sender of a message that the listener is feeling with her, putting herself in the shoes of the sender, living, for a moment, inside the sender.

Everyone wants others to understand how she feels when she talks, not just what she is saying. Children, especially, are feeling people. Therefore, much of what they communicate is accompanied by feelings: joy, hate, disappointment, fear, love, worry, anger, pride, frustration, sadness, and so on. When they communicate with parents, they expect empathy with such feelings. When parents don't empathize, children naturally feel that the essential part of them at that moment--their feeling--is not being understood.

Probably, the most common mistake parents make when they first try out Active Listening is to feed back a response devoid of the feeling component of the child's message. Here's an example:

Little Carey, aged six, pleads with his father, who has been trying to encourage him to come into the water while the family is enjoying a day at the beach:

CAREY: I don't want to go in. It's too deep! And I'm afraid of the waves.

FATHER: The water is too deep for you.

CAREY: I'm scared! Please don't make me go in!

This father is completely missing the child's feelings, and his attempt at feedback shows it. Carey is not sending an intellectual evaluation of the depth of the water. He is sending an urgent plea to his father: "Don't make me come in because I'm scared stiff!" The father should have acknowledged this with, "You're scared and don't want me to force you into the water."

Some parents find out they are very uncomfortable with feelings--their own as well as their child's. It is as if they are compelled to ignore a child's feelings because they cannot tolerate her having them. Or they want quickly to push her feelings out of the picture, and therefore deliberately avoid acknowledging them. Some parents are so frightened of feelings that they actually fail to detect them in their child's messages.

So, please reflect and ask yourself, "are you listening without empathy?"

What happens when Method III doesn't work?

Need a quick refresher on what Method III is?

The Six Steps of Method III

I. Define Needs

II. Brainstorm Solutions

III. Evaluate Solutions

IV. Choose Solution

V. Implement Solution

VI. Check Results

Now that we have quickly went over the Six Steps of Method III, what happens if these steps don't work?

Your success with Method III will increase with time as you become more and more skillfull with the process and your Active Listening, I-Messages and Gear Shifting skills become more natural.

When Method III does not work, it is usually related to one of these factors:

• The skill, experience and comfort level of the parent is lacking.

WHAT TO DO - continue to develop your skills; use Method III in No Problem Area decision making, e.g. planning for a fun weekend and use it first on small problems before taking on big ones.

• There are clear limits of time and/or resources or the chance for physical harm is imminent.

WHAT TO DO - explain the situation, e.g. must leave now because there are only 30 minutes before your flight leaves, etc., take action but make the commitment to use the process when time or resources are more plentiful.

• The child or other person is not ready because they are "flooded" by built up mistrust, anger, resentment or other strong feelings.

WHAT TO DO - before you try Method III, invest time in Active Listening to the child and in sending I-Messages to improve the relationship.

These are just a few factors when Method III doesn't work. Learn more of these tips from Dr. Thomas Gordon's, Parent Effectiveness Training book.

Acceptance Must Be Demonstrated

It is one thing for a parent to feel acceptance toward a child; it is another thing to make that acceptance felt. Unless a parent's acceptance comes through to the child, it can have no influence on him. A parent must learn how to demonstrate his acceptance so that the child feels it.

Specific skills are required to be able to do this. Most parents, however, tend to think of acceptance as a passive thing--a state of mind, an attitude, a feeling. True, acceptance does originate from within, but to be an effective force in influencing another, it must be actively communicated or demonstrated. I can never be certain that I am accepted by another until he demonstrates it in some active way.

The professional psychological counselor or psychotherapist, whose effectiveness as a helping agent is so greatly dependent on his being able to demonstrate his acceptance of the client, spends years learning ways to implement this attitude through his own habits of communication. Through formal training and long experience, professional counselors acquire specific skills in communicating acceptance. They learn that what they say makes the difference between their being helpful or not.

Talk can cure, and talk can foster constructive change. But it must be the right kind of talk.

The same is true for parents. How they talk to their children will determine whether they will be helpful or destructive. The effective parent, like the effective counselor, must learn how to communicate his acceptance and acquire the same communication skills.

*Excerpted from the P.E.T., Parent Effectiveness Training, book by Dr. Thomas Gordon

The Power of the Language of Acceptance

When a person is able to feel and communicate genuine acceptance of another, he possesses a capacity for being a powerful helping agent for the other. His acceptance of the other, as he is, is an important factor in fostering a relationship in which the other person can grow, develop, make constructive changes, learn to solve problems, move in the direction of psychological health, become more productive and creative, and actualize his fullest potential.

It is one of those simple but beautiful paradoxes of life: When a person feels that he is truly accepted by another, as he is, then he is freed to move from there and to begin to think about how he wants to change, how we wants to grow, how he can become different, how he might become more of what he is capable of being.

Acceptance is like the fertile soil that permits a tiny seed to develop into the lovely flower it is capable of becoming. The soil only enables the seed to become the flower. It releases the capacity of the seed to grow, but the capacity is entirely within the seed. As with the seed, a child contains entirely within his organism the capacity to develop. Acceptance is like the soil—it merely enables the child to actualize his potential.

Why is parental acceptance such a significant positive influence on the child? This is not generally understood by parents. Most people have been brought up to believe that if you accept a child he will remain just the way he is; that the best way to help a child become something better in the future is to tell him what you don’t accept about him now.

Therefore, most parents rely heavily on the language of unacceptance in rearing children, believing this is the best way to help them. The soil that most parents provide for their children’s growth is heavy with evaluation, judgment, criticism, preaching, moralizing, admonishing, and commanding—messages that convey unacceptance of the child as he is.

The language of acceptance opens kids up. It frees them to share their feelings and problems. Professional therapists and counselors have shown just how powerful such acceptance can be. Those therapist and counselors who are most effective are the ones who can convey to the people who come to them for help that they are truly accepted.

This is why one often hears people say that in counseling or therapy they felt totally free of the counselor’s judgment. They report that they experienced a freedom to tell him the worst about themselves—they felt their counselor would accept them no matter what they said or felt. Such acceptance is one of the most important elements contributing to the growth and change that takes place in people through counseling and therapy.*

*Excerpted from the P.E.T., Parent Effectiveness Training, book by Dr. Thomas Gordon

Being an effective parent isn't a matter of luck

Being an Effective Parent Isn't a Matter of Luck

Parenthood need not be a difficult and demanding experience that brings problems, worries and anxiety. One survey by parent trainer, Dr. Harold Minden, found that the responses of hundreds of parents to the question, "How would you rate your parenting experience?" were as follows:


22% answered "fulfilling and positive"
37% answered "moderately fulfilling"
41% answered "frustrating and negative"


Dr. Minden also found that 69% of the satisfied parents said they would enroll in a parent training course, but only 37% of the frustrated and negative parents said they would do so. It appeared they did not recognize the need for assistance in parenting. Those parents typically think that how kids turn out is outside their control--a matter of luck. Many of them rely on the same method of raising children and dealing with problems in their families that were used by their parents and grandparents even though they know these methods don't work.

We now know without a doubt that parents who take training and learn how to create democratic, non-authoritarian relationships with both their spouses and their children will build happy marriages and create a "new species of children." Here is a list of the characteristics of this new species:

-They get their own needs get met, yet are sensitive when others may be affected negatively.
-They are very sensitive to all forms of unfairness they see in their world.
-They treat their friends the way they have been treated at home--they are good listeners, good counselors, good at expressing themselves, good at solving problems, and good at resolving conflicts with others.
-They are mature for their age, fun-loving, playful.
-They want their needs met, yet are unselfish, altruistic and giving to others.
-They have less need to be dependent on other people--yet they have friendships and make friends easily.
-They are less afraid of being laughed at, less afraid of what people will say, more individualistic.
-They are relatively unfrightened by the unknown, and they don't just cling to the familiar.
-They have a high degree of self-acceptance--accepting the way they are, yet this somehow frees them to change and improve themselves.

Raising children who develop these characteristics takes time and commitment. There's no gimmick or quick way to do it. Parents who take the time to understand and then put what they learn into practice are richly rewarded, usually far beyond their hopes and expectations.

The Not-So-Obvious Roadblock: Praising

Most of us instantly recognize why Criticizing, Threatening, Name-Calling, and Diverting (withdrawing or using humor) make it onto the list of the 12 Communication Roadblocks. However, I am often asked why "Praising" is a roadblock to communication.

Contrary to the common belief that praise is always beneficial to children, it often has very negative effects. A positive evaluation that does not fit the child's self-image may evoke hostility: "I am not pretty, I'm ugly." "I hate my hair." "I did not play well, I was lousy."

Children infer that if a parent judges positively, they can also judge negatively someo ther time. Also, the absence of praise in a family where praise is used frequently can be interpreted by the child as criticism: "You didn't say anything nice about my hair so you must not like it."

Praise is often felt by the child as manipulative--a subtle way of influenceing the child to do what the parent wants: "You're just saying that so I'll study harder."

Children sometimes infer that their parents don't understand them when they praise: "You wouldn't say that if you knew how I really felt about myself."

Children are often embarrassed and uncomfortable when praise is given, especially in front of their friends: "Oh, Dad, that's not true!"

Children who are praised a lot may grow to depend on it and even demand it: "You didn't say anything about my cleaning up my room." "How do I look, Mother?" "Wasn't I a good little boy?" "Isn't that a good drawing?"

Active Listening At the Wrong Times

Unsuccessful experiences of parents who first try Active Listening often occur because parents use it at inappropriate times. As with any good thing, Active Listening can be overdone.

There are times when kids don't wnt to talk about their feelings, even to two empathic ears. They may want to live with their feelings for awhile. They may find it too painful at the moment to talk. They may not have the time to enter into a lengthy cathartic session with a parent. Parents should respect the child's need for privacy in her world of feelings and not try to push her to talk.

No matter how good a door-opener Active Listening is, kids often don't want to walk through. One mother told how her daughter found a way to tell her when she did not feel like talking: "Knock it off! I know it might help to talk, but I just don't feel like it now. So, please, no Active Listening right now, Mother."

Sometimes parents open the door with Active Listening when they lack time to stick around and hear all the feelings bottled up within the child. Such hit-and-run tactics are not only unfair to the child, but hurt the relationship. The child will come to feel her parents do not care enough to hear her out. We tell parents: "Don't start Active Listening unless you have the time to hear all of the feelings this skill so often releases."

Some parents have experienced resistance because they used Active Listening when a child needs different help. When a child is legitimately asking for information, for a helping hand, or for some special resource of the parent, she may have no need to talk out or work through something.

Parents sometimes gro so enamored of Active Listening that they employ it when the child does not need to be "drawn out" or encouraged to get in touch with her deeper feelings. It will be obvious how inappropriate Active Listening is in the following theoretical situations:

1.

CHILD: Hey, Mom, can you give me a ride downtown Saturday? I've got to do some shopping.

MOM: You'd like a ride downtown Saturday.

2.

CHILD: What time are you and Mom coming home?

PARENT: You are really puzzled as to when we are coming home.

3.

CHILD: How much will I have to pay for insurance if I buy my own car?

PARENT: You're worried about the cost of your insurance.

These children probably do not need to be encouraged to communicate more. They are asking for a specific kind of help that is quite different from the help that Active Listening provides. They are not transmitting feelings. They are asking for factual information. To respond to such requests with Active Listening will not only seem strange to teh child; it will often produce frustration and irritation. These are times when a direct answer is what is wanted and called for.

Parents also discover that their children become perturbed when the parent continues to try Active Listening long after the child is finished sending messages. Parents need to know when to quit. Generally, clues will be forthcoming from the child--a facial expression, getting up to leave, silence, being fidgety, looking at her watch, and so on--or the child may say such things as:

"Well, I guess that's about it."

"I don't have time to talk anymore."

"I see things kinda different now."

"Maybe that's enough for now."

"I got a lot of studying tonight."

"Well, I'm taking a lot of your time."

Wise parents back off when they get these clues or messages, even though it does not seem to them that the particular problem has been solved by the child. As professional therapists realize, Active Listening only starts children on the first step of problem-solving--getting the feelings out and the problem defined. Frequently, the children themselves take it from there, eventually winding up with a solution on their own.

Withdrawing, Escaping, Daydreaming, Regression

When it becomes too difficult for children to cope with parental authority, they may try to escape or withdraw. The power of parents may cause withdrawal if punishment is too severe for the child, if parents are inconsistent in adminitsering rewards, if rewards are too difficult to earn, or if it is too difficult to learn behaviors required to avoid punishment. Any of these conditions may cause a child to give up trying to learn "the rules of the game." She simply quits trying to cope with reality--it has become too painful or too complex to figure out. This child cannot find suitable adjustment to the forces in her environment. She can't win. So her organism somehow tells her it is safer to escape.

The forms of withdrawal and escape may range from almost total to only occasional withdrawal from reality, including:

• Daydreaming and fantasizing.
• Inactivity, passivity, apathy.
• Regressing to infantile behavior.
• Excessive TV watching and video game playing.
• Solitary play (often with imaginary playmates).
• Getting sick.
• Running away.
• Joining gangs.
• Using drugs.
• Eating disorders.
  
• Depression.

Conformity, Lack of Creativity, Fear of Trying Something New, Requiring Prior Assurance of Success

Parental authority fosters conformity rather than creativity in children, much as an authoritarian work climate in an organization stifles innovation. Creativity comes from freedom to experiment, to try new things and new combinations. Children reared in a climate of strong rewards and punishment are not as likely to feel such freedom as children reared in a more accepting climate. Power produces fear and fear stifles creativity and fosters conformity. The formula is simple: "In order to get rewards I will keep my nose clean and conform to what is considered proper behavior. I dare not do anything out of the ordinary--this would risk my getting punished."

Apple Polishing, Courting Favor

One way of coping with a person who has power to reward or punish is to "get on her good side," to win her over by special efforts to make her like you. Some children adopt this approach with parents and other adults. The formula: "If I can do something ncie for you and get you to favor me, then perhaps you will give me your rewards and withhold your punishment." Children learn early that rewards and punishments are not metered out equitably by adults. Adults can be won over; they can have "favorites." Some children learn how to take advantage of this and resort to behavior know as "buttering someone up," "getting to be teacher's pet," and other terms less acceptable in polite society.

Unfortunately, while children may become quite skillful in winning adults over, this is usually strongly resented by other children; the child who "butters up" people is often ridiculed or rejected by her peers, who suspect her motives and envy her favored position.

Family Connection: Can you become more accepting of yourself?

Studies show that a direct relationship exists between how accepting people are of others and how accepting they are of themselves. A person who accepts himself as a person is likely to feel a lot of acceptance for others. People who cannot tolerate a lot of things about themselves usually find it difficult to tolerate a lot in others.

A parent needs to ask himself a penetrating question: "How much do I like who I am?"

If the honest answer indicates a lack of acceptance of himself as a person, that parent needs to reexamine his own life to find ways to become more fulfilled from his own achievements. Persons with high self-acceptance and self-regard are generally productive achievers who are using their own talents, who are actualizing their own potential, who accomplish things, who are doers.

Parents who satisfy their own needs through independent productive effort not only accept themselves but also needn't seek gratification of their needs from the way their children behave. They don't need their children to turn out in a particular way. People with high self-esteem, resting on a firm foundation of their own independent achievement, are more accepting of their children and the way they behave.

On the other hand, if a parent has few or no sources of satisfaction and self-esteem from his own life and must depend heavily on getting satisfaction from the way others evaluate his children, he is likely to be unaccepting of his children--especially those behaviors that he fears may make him look like a bad parent.

Relying upon this "indirect self-acceptance," such a parent will need to have his children behave in certain specified ways. And he is more likely to be unaccepting of them and upset with them when they deviate from his blueprint.

Producing "good children"--high achievers in school, socially successful, competent in athletics, and so on--has become a status symbol for many parents. They "need" to be proud of their children; they need their children to behave in a way that will make them look like good parents to others.

In a sense, many parents are using their children to bring themselves a feeling of self-worth and self-esteem. If a parent has no other source of self-worth and self-esteem, which is unhappily true of many parents whose lives are limited to raising "good" children, the stage is set for a dependency on children that makes the parent overanxious and severely needful that the children behave in particular ways.

Submission, Obedience, Compliance

Some children choose to submit to the authority of their parents for reasons that are not usually well understood. They cope through submission, obedience, and compliance. This response to parental authority often occurs when the parents have been very severe in their use of power. Particularly when punishment has been strong, children learn to submit out of a strong fear of the punishment. Children may react to parental power just as dogs become cowed and fearful from severe punishment. When children are quite young, severe punishment is more likely to cause submission because a reaction such as rebelling or resisting may seem to risky. They almost have to respond to parental power by becoming obedient and compliant. As children approach adolescence, this response might change abruptly because they have acquired more strength and courage to try resistance and rebellion.

Some children continue to be submissive and compliant through adolescence and often into adulthood. These children suffer the most from early parental power, for they are the ones who retain a deep fear of people in power positions wherever they encounter them. These are the adults who remain children throughout their lives, passively submitting to authority, denying their own needs, fearing to be themselves, frightened of conflict, too compliant to stand up for their own convictions. These are adults who fill the offices of psychologists and psychiatrists.

Forming Alliances, Organizing Against Parents

Children whose parents control and direct by authority and power learn, as they grow older, yet another way of coping with that power. This is the all-too-familiar pattern of forming alliances with other children, either in the family or out of it. Children discover that "in union there is strength"--they can "organize" much like workers in America have organized to cope with the power of employers and management.

Children frequently form alliances to present a common front to parents by:

• Agreeing among themselves to tell the same story.
• Telling their parents that all the other kids are permitted to do a certain thing, so why can't they?
• Influencing other children to join them in some questionable activity, hoping that then their parents won't single them out for punishment.

Today's crop of adolescents feels the real power that comes from organizing and acting in union against parental or adult authority--witness the growing numbers of kids doing drugs with thier friends, not doing homework, ditching school with friends to go to the mall, and the proliferation of cliques and gangs.

Because authority has continued to be the preferred method of controlling and directing the behavior of children, parents and other adults bring about the very thing they most lament--adolescents forming alliances to pit their power against the power of adults. And so society is polarizing into two warring groups--young people organized against adults, or, if you will, the "have-nots" against the "haves." Instead of children identifying with the family, they are increasingly identifying with their own peer group to combat the combined power of all adults.

Blaming Others, Tattling, Cheating

In families with more than one child, the children are obviously competing to get parental rewards and avoid punishment. They soon learn another coping mechanism: put the others at a disadvantage, discredit the other children, make them look bad, tattle, shift the blame. This formula is simple--"By making the other guy look bad, maybe I will look good." How defeating for parents; they want cooperative behavior from their kids, but by using rewards and punishment they breed competitive behavior--sibling rivalry, fighting, ratting on brother or sister:

"She got more ice cream than I did."

"How come I have to work int he yard when Joe doesn't?"

"He hit me first--he started it all."

"You never punished Ericka when she was my age and did the same things I'm doing now."

"How come you let Eddie get by with everything?"

Much of the competitive bickering and mutual blaming among children can be attributed to the parents' use of rewards and punishment in child-rearing. Since no one has the time, temperament, or wisdom to dispense rewards or punishments fairly and equally at all times, parents are inevitably going to create competition. It is only natural that each child wants to get most of the rewards and see her brothers and sisters get most of the punishment.

Dominating, Bossiness, Bullying

Why does a child try to dominate or bully younger children? One reason is that her parents used their power to dominate her. Therefore, whenever she is in a power position over another child, she too tries to dominate and boss. This can be observed when children play with dolls. They gernerally treat their dolls (their own "children") as their parents treat them, and psychologists have known for some time that they can find out how a parent treats a child by watching that child play with dolls. If the child is dominating, bossy, and punitive to her doll when she plays the role of a mother, she has almost certainly been treated the same way by her own mother.

Parents, therefore, unwittingly run a high risk of rearing a child who will be authoritarian with other children if they use their own authority to direct and control their child.

Needing To Win, Hating to Lose

When children are reared in a climate full of rewards and punishment, they may develop strong needs to look "good" or to win, and strong needs to avoid looking "bad" or losing. This is particularly true in families with very reward-oriented parents who rely heavily on positive evaluation, money rewards, gold stars, bonuses, and the like.

Unfortunately, there are many such parents, particularly in middle- and upper-class families. While I do find some parents who philosophically reject punishment as a method of control, I seldom find parents who even question the value of using rewards. The American parent has been inundated by articles and books advising frequent praise and rewards. Most parents have bought this advice unquestioningly, with the result that a large percentage of children in America are daily manipulated by their parents through commendation, special privileges, awards, candy, ice cream, money, and the like. It is no wonder that this generation of "brownie point" children is so oriented to winning, looking good, coming out on top, and above all, avoiding losing.

Another negative effect of reward-oriented child-rearing is what generally happens to a child who is so limited in ability, intellectually or physically, that it is difficult for her to earn brownie points. I refer to tehc hild whose siblings and peers are genetically better endowed, which makes her a "loser" in most of her endeavors at home, on the playground, or at school. Many families have one or more such children, who are destined to go through life experiencing the pain of frequent failure and the frustration of seeing others get the rewards. Such children acquire low self-esteem, and build up attitudes of hopelessness and defeatism. The point is: a family climate heavy with rewards may be more harmful to children who cannot earn them than to those who can.

Lying, Hiding Feelings

Some children learn early in life that if they lie they can avoid a great deal of punishment. On occasion lying can even bring them rewards. Children invariably begin to earn their parents' values--they get to know accurately what their parents will approve or disapprove of. Without exception, every child I have seen in therapy whose parents used a heavy dose of rewards and punishment, revealed how much they lied to their parents. One adolescent girl told me:

"My mother won't let me go out with this one guy, so I have my girlfriend pick me up and tell Mom we're going to the moview or something. Then I go meet my boyfriend."

Another said:

"My mother won't let me wear low-cut shirts, so I wear another shirt over the low-cut one, and when I leave the house, I take it off a few blocks away and then put it back on before I come home."

While children lie a lot because so many parente rely hevaily on rewards and punishment, I firmly believe that the tendency to lie is not natural in youngsters. It is a learned response--a coping mechanism to handle the parents' attempts to control by manipulation of rewards and punishment. Children are not likely to lie in families where they are accepted and their freedom is respected.

Parents who complain that their children do not share their problems or talk about what is going on in their lives are also generally parents who have used a lot of punishment. Children learn how to play the game, and one way is to keep quiet.

Aggression, Retaliation, Striking Back

Because parental domination by authority often frustrates the needs of the child, and frustration so often leads to aggression, parents who rely on authority can expect their children to show aggression in some way. Children retaliate, try to cut the parent down to size, are severely critical, talk back nastily, employ "the silent treatment," or do any one of the hundreds of aggressive things that they feel may get back at the parents or hurt them.

The formula for this way of coping seems to be "You hurt me, so I'll hurt you--then maybe you won't hurt me in the future." Its extreme manifestation are cases, frequently reported in newspapers, of children who kill their parents. No doubt many acts of aggression against school authorities (vandalism), against the police, or against political leaders are motivated by a desire to retaliate or get back at someone.

Effects of Parental Power: Resentment, Anger, Hostility

Children resent those who have power over them. It feels unfair and often unjust. They resent the fact that parents or teachers are bigger and stronger, if such advantage is used to control them or restrict their freedom.

"Pick on someone your own size" is a frequent feeling of children when an adult uses his or her power.

It seems to be a universal response of human beings at any age to feel deeply resentful and angry toward someone on whom they are, to a greater or lesser degree, dependent for providing gratification of their needs. Most people don't respond favorably to those who hold power to dispense or withhold rewards. They resent the fact that someone else controls the means for satisfying their needs. They wish they themselves were in control. Also, most people crave this independence because it is risky to depend on another. There is the risk that the person on whom one is dependent will turn out to be less than dependable--unfair, prejudiced, inconsistent, unreasonable; or the person with the power may demand conformity to her own values and standards as a price of her rewards.

This is why employees of highly paternalistic employers--those who are generous in giving "benefits" and "bonuses" (on condition that the employees will gratefully acced to management's efforts to control by authority) are frequently resentful and hostile "to the hand that feeds them." Historians of industrial relations have pointed out that some of the most violent strikes hit companies where the management had been "benevolently paternalistic." This is also why the policy of a "have" nation giving handouts to a "have-not" nation so frequently results in the dependent nation's hostility toward the stronger one, much to the consternation of the "giver."

Effects of Parental Power: Resistance, Defiance, Rebellion, Negativism

A parent recalled this typical incident with her father:

PARENT: If you don't stop talking, you're going to get my hand across your face.

CHILD: Go ahead, hit me!
PARENT: (Hits child.)

CHILD: Hit me again, harder. I won't stop!

Some children rebel against parents' use of authority by doing exactly the opposite of what their parents desire them to do. One mother told us:

"There were three main things we used our authority to try to get our daughter to do--be neat and orderly, go to church, and refrain from drinking. We were always strict about these things. Now we know that her house is a mess, she doesn't set foot in church, and she has cocktails almost every night."

An adolescent revealed in one of his therapy sessions with me:

"I won't even try to get good grades in school, 'cause my parents have pushed me so hard to be a good student. If I got good grades it would make them feel pleased--like they were right or like they won. I'm not going to let them feel that way. So I don't study."

Another adolescent talked about his reaction to his parents' "hassling" him about his long hair:

"I guess I might cut it if they didn't hassle me so much. But as long as they try to make me cut it, I'm going to keep it long."

Such reactions to adult authority are almost universal. Children have been defying and rebelling against adult authority for generations. History suggests little differences between today's youth and those at other times. Children, like adults, fight furiously when their freedom is threatened, and there have been threats to the freedom of children at all stages in history. One way for children to cope with threats to their freedom and independence is to fight against those who would take it away.

The Effects of Parental Power On The Child

Despite all the serious limitations of power, it strangely enough remains the method of choice for most parents, no matter what their education, social class, or economic level.

P.E.T. instructors invariably find that parents in their classes are surprisingly aware of the harmful effects of power. All we have to do is ask parents to draw from their own experience and tell us how they were affected when their parents used power over them. It is a strange paradox that parents remember how power felt to tehm as children but "forget" when they use power with their own children. We ask those in each class to list what they did as children to cope with their parents' use of power. Each class develops a list of coping mechanisms not too dissimilar from the following:

1. Resistance, defiance, rebellion, negativism
2. Resentment, anger, hostility
3. Aggression, retaliation, striking back
4. Lying, hiding feelings
5. Blaming others, tattling, cheating
6. Dominating, bossing, bullying
7. Needing to win, hating to lose
8. Forming alliances, organizing against parents
9. Submission, obedience, compliance
10. Apple-polishing, courting favor
11. Conformity, lack of creativity, fear of trying something new, requiring prior assurance of success
12. Withdrawing, escaping, fantasizing, regression

Watch the blog this week for more in-depth descriptions of what these coping mechanisms look like, and what's going on behind them.

Praise is a good thing...right?

“I think you did exactly the right thing!"
“You did such a good job!"
"What a nice friend you are."

We often think that a positive evaluation or agreement will help others feel better, keep talking and get over their problems. Contrary to the common belief that such support is always beneficial, it often has very negative effects on a person with negative feelings and problems. A positive evaluation that does not fit the other’s self-image may also evoke denial. People also infer that if we can judge them positively, we can just as easily judge them negatively some other time. Also, if praise is frequent, its absence may be interpreted as criticism. Praise is often felt to be manipulative, a subtle way of influencing others to do what you want them to do. And if you praise a lot, you run the risk of making people so dependent on your praise that they cannot function without constant approval from you.

Is Your Primary Relationship With Your Spouse?

Is your primary relationship with your spouse? Take a look at the following excerpt from P.E.T. to see why putting your spouse first can be important for your children:

"Many American parents look to their children for their primary relationship, rather than to their spouse. Mothers, particularly, rely heavily on their children to give them satisfactions and pleasure that more appropriately should come from the marriage relationship. Frequently this leads to “putting the children first,” “sacrificing for the children,” or counting heavily on the children “turning out well,” because of the parents’ heavy investment in the parent-child relationship. Their children’s behavior means far too much to these parents. How the kids behave is too crucial. These parents feel that children must be constantly watched, directed, guided, monitored, judged, evaluated. It is very difficult for such parents to allow their children to make mistakes or stumble in their lives. They feel their children must be protected against failure experiences, shielded against all possible danger.

Effective parents are able to have a more casual relationship with their children. Their marriage relationship is primary. Their children have a significant place in their lives, but it is almost a secondary place—if not secondary, at least no more important than the place of the spouse. Such parents seem to allow their children much more freedom and independence. These parents enjoy being with their children but only for limited times; they also like to spend time alone with their marriage partner. Their investment is not solely in their children; it is also in their marriage. How their children behave or how much they achieve, therefore, is not so critical to them. They are more apt to feel that the children have their own lives to live and should be given more freedom to shape themselves. Such parents seem to correct their children less frequently and monitor their activities less intensely. They can be there when the children need them, but they do not feel strong needs to intervene or push into the lives of the children without being asked. They generally do not neglect their children. They certainly are concerned about them but not anxious. They are interested, but not smothering. “Children are children” is their attitude, so they can be more accepting of what they are—children. Effective parents more often feel amused at their children’s immaturity or their foibles, rather than devastated.

The parents in this latter group obviously are inclined to be much more accepting—fewer behaviors will upset them. They will have less need to control, limit, direct, restrict, admonish, preach. They can allow their children more freedom—more separateness. Parents in the first group are inclined to be less accepting. They need to control, limit, direct, restrict, and so on. Because their relationship with the children is the primary one, these parents have strong needs to monitor their behavior and program their lives.

I have come to see more clearly why parents who have an unsatisfactory relationship with their spouse find it so difficult to be accepting of their children: They are too needful of their children bringing them the joys and satisfactions that are missing in the marital relationship."

Active Listening Quiz Answers Explained

Last week, we had an Active Listening quiz up featuring the two questions discussed in this blog post. Here are the questions, the answers, and explanations behind the answers!

Child: I wish I could get a cold once in a while, like Katie. She's lucky.

Parent: 

A. You feel you're sort of left out.

B.  Oh! Don't wish you were sick!

C.  You're jealous of Katie.

The correct answer is: C. You're jealous of Katie. Of the three choices, this is the most congruent, accurate response. It reflects back what the feeling that the child expresses in his/her statmement, and allows the child to run with his feeling and solve his own problem.

The first choice, A. "You feel you're sort of left out" does not directly address the underlying feeling in the child's statement. While the child's jealousy may lead to feeling left out, jealousy is the most underlying, immediate feeling.

The second choice, B. "Oh! Don't wish you were sick!" does not reflect anything back. This is the ordering/directing roadblock. This communicates unacceptance of the child, takes responsibility away from the child, and can even cause resistance.

Child: Yes. She gets to stay out of school and I never do.

Parent: 

A. You wish you could stay out of school more too.

B. You should want to be in school.

C. You never get anything you want.

The correct answer here is: A. You wish you could stay out of school more too. This statement again most accurately reflects the child's feelings. 

Answer B, "You should want to be in school," is another Roadblock. This is the moralizing/preaching Roadblock. This response can create guilty feelings in the child, can cause the child to "dig in" and defend his or her position even more, and it can also lead to withdrawal or alienation.

Answer C, "You never get anything you want," lacks congruency. This statement reflects feelings that are far more extreme than what the child is expressing. When the degree of feeling is understated or overdone in Active Listening, you risk coming off as fake or phoney to the child/other.

Please feel free to post your comments, questions, or feedback about Active Listening and the Active Listening quiz below! Thanks!

Active Listening Guidelines

Active Listening is a powerful tool for helping children express and work through problems and upsets. Active Listening when misused, however, can actually add to a child's problem and undermine the helping relationship. The following guidelines will insure that your use of Active Listening is appropriate and helpful.

When To Use Active Listening

Active Listening requires certain conditions and attitudes to be present before it is an appropriate response to your child's troubled communication. You should Active Listen only when:

• You get verbal or non-verbal cues that your child may have a problem or an unmet need.
• You genuinely want to help and the time and place are convenient.
• You feel accepting of your child; your child's behavior does not cause you a problem.
• You feel separate enough from your child's problem that his solution to the problem, whatever it is, will be acceptable to you.
• You are able to attend closely to your child. None of your concerns are so pressing that they will interfere with your concentration on your child's communication.

When NOT To Use Active Listening

There are clearly times when Active Listening should not be used without risking the creation of more problems. These times include when:

• You get no cues and clues that the child is experiencing a problem. (Don't create them!)
• You don't want to help in this case. You don't care, you're rushed, you're busy.
• Your child's behavior is unacceptable to you. You are irritated or hurt by it.
• You are invested in having your child reach the "right" solution to her problem. (Your Active Listening will then tend to be contaminated by hints in the "right" direction.)
• Your own problems are too upsetting and immediate to allow you to be intently focused on your child's concerns.
• Your child simply needs information which you have and he doesn't.
• Your child states the problem or feelings so clearly and specifically that an attempt to feedback would feel redundant and patronizing. (Silence or acknowledgment is better in such cases.)

It is helpful to use a variety of expressions when you Active Listen. Repetition of one phrase such as "Sounds like..." or "You feel..." rapidly becomes irritating to your child and comes across as a technique rather than a genuine, natural and empathic response.

Practice using different words as you are Active Listening. One way to develop your Active Listening is to think about starting with only one part. This can be either listening to "Facts," thoughts, ideas, information, or listening only to "Feelings."

ACTIVE LISTENING TO FACTS (especially good in the No Problem Area)

• The fact is...
• You think...
• The idea you have is...
• What you are saying is...
• Your view is...
• You believe...

ACTIVE LISTENING TO FEELINGS 

• You feel...
• It's really...
• So you feel...
• Looks like...
• Sounds like you are...
• Seems like your feeling is...

Relax, make your Active Listening as natural as possible. Using analogies that are age and interest appropriate are also good ways to develop a more natural variety of Active Listening responses.

Lead-ins include:

ACTIVE LISTENING TO FACTS AND FEELINGS

• You feel...about...
• It's...when...
• You can't...and that's...
• You're really...because...
• The way you see it is...and that's...
• When...you're really...
• You are...that...

In its complete form Active Listening includes both the "Facts" (content) and the Feelings.

• It's like being hit by a truck.
• You feel your teacher really nailed you to the wall
• You got hung out to dry
• She really shot you down (military or video gaming)
• So it's like you really struck out (sports)

As your Active Listening develops, you can refine it to include listening to multiple feelings and to conflicting thoughts and feelings your children and others have.

ACTIVE LISTENING TO MULTIPLE FEELINGS

When your child has conflicting thoughts or feelings, you can begin by Active Listening to just the dilemma, or if the two parts are equally strong, you can include both of them in your Active Listening.

• "You feel stuck."
• "You feel torn."
• "It's hard to decide."

OR

• You want to stay home and play and you want to go to the store with Mommy.
• You'd like to buy that new video game today and you also want to save your money for a new bike.
• You're excited about the idea of trying out for basketball, at the same time you're worried you might not make the team.
• You feel stuck because you want to keep hanging out with your friends but they've all started smoking and you don't like to be around all their smoke.
• You feel excited about getting asked to the dance and yet you're not sure you want to go with Mike.
• It's hard to decide; you like all the resources a big university has to offer, however, the idea of life at a small college really appeals to you.

You don't need to be perfect! It's reassuring to know that, when you are listening with genuine empathy, your attention is on the child and your intention is to help her identify feelings and solve her own problem it can still "work." Imperfect Active Listening, unlike Roadblocks, will usually be accepted by the other and she will continue to talk about her feelings and explore solutions to problems and decisions.

Clear Sending in the No-Problem Area

Letting Them Know The Real You

In this course, self-disclosing messages are referred to as I-Messages. An I-Message is a communication about the self—the “I”.

An I-Message is authentic, honest, and congruent—reflecting the actual nature and strength of your thoughts and feelings. It is a clear message, understandable, and to the point, not masked in indirect or vague language.

Declarative I-Messages Are The Basic Form of Self-Disclosure

They are the declaration to others of your beliefs, ideas, likes, dislikes, feelings, thoughts, reactions—or any other statement that helps others know you better and understand how you are experiencing your life.

Some Examples of Declarative I-Messages:

“I believe the homework that your teacher’s given you is really important.”

“I think that we should have a military draft.”

“I feel discouraged about how much things cost these days.”

“I know you disagree strongly, yet I got real value from the first parent-faculty meeting, and I think we should give it a real chance.”

Preventive I-Messages Stop Trouble Before It Starts

Another important type of self-disclosure is one that lets your children and others know of some future need that you want to meet; it anticipates what you want to do or see happen. Such a message, because it clearly describes how you want events to turn out, greatly increases the chances that others will adjust their actions so as not to block what you need. Such a message may prevent a conflict. Such Preventive I-Messages are especially appropriate in the home. An example, familiar to every parent, is the announcement of the time dinner will be ready so that the children can finish what they’re doing and, ideally, help out in the kitchen!

Some examples of Preventive I-Messages:

“I need some uninterrupted time tonight so I can get the bills paid.”

“I’d like to hear of your weekend plans this evening so we can work out transportation ahead of time.”

“I’d love to come to dinner. Please remember, I don’t eat meat.”

"I’d like to set a limit on our holiday spending this year.”

Positive I-Messages Enhance and Strengthen Relationships

One of the most enriching forms of self-disclosure is the Positive I-Message. These are messages that exclusively describe parents’ positive feelings toward their children. Although kids do plenty of things that are a problem for parents, they also say and do many things that are a pleasure, often helping a parent in unexpected ways or displaying kindness, maturity, considerateness, or good humor just when it’s needed the most. When these behaviors occur, it is appropriate and important for parents to disclose any genuine positive feelings they have about them.

Unfortunately, many parents are only self-disclosing when they are upset with their child’s behavior. This is clearly appropriate self-disclosure, but the important point is that parents should disclose both their feelings of unacceptance and acceptance. Positive I-Messages that express appreciation, love, enjoyment, and affection toward children (spouse, friends, and others) can contribute greatly to warmer, closer, and more enjoyable relationships. Very young children, with their budding self-esteem and desire to be a “helper,” seem especially to thrive on Positive I-Messages.

Consider the value for you, your children, or others in the following examples of Positive I-Messages:

“I appreciate how quiet you were when I was paying the bills. I did it a lot faster, thanks to you!”

“I really like the story you wrote, James.”

"I was so proud when I heard you telling those kids you wouldn’t lie to cover them!”

“Honey, I really love you.”

It is important that Positive I-Message not be used to manipulate or “shape” a child’s behavior. Such ulterior motives invariably come through to the child and make your sincerity suspect. The Positive I-Message should be a “no-strings attached” expression of acceptance and acknowledgement.

Even though changing your child should not be the motive, parents who express a lot of positive feelings toward their children are often automatically rewarded with less unacceptable behavior, more trust, mutual respect and cooperation, more affection and caring. Like honesty, warmth and affection are highly contagious in families!

Self-Disclosure Benefits to You and Your Relationship

Self-discloure is communication which describes you, your inner experiences, literally--your self. Self-disclosing messages are about your beliefs and ideas, your likes and dislikes, your feelings, thoughts, and reactions. Self-disclosing messages let your children and others know how you feel and where you stand.

Although there are some risks in being self-disclosing, the potential benefits are overwhelming--both for yourself and for your relationships with others, especially your children. These benefits include:

Knowing Yourself Better

When you disclose yourself to your children and others, you are, at the same time, talking to yourself, keeping in touch with your own thoughts and feelings, values, and beliefs. You maintain awareness, responsibility, and control of your inner experiences.

Liking Yourself Better

You feel better about yourself as a parent, and as a person, when you are open, honest, and clear with your children; when you express who you are and what you think and believe, you feel strong, responsible, confident.

Being Better Understood By Others

Your self-disclosure leads to a more accurate understanding by others of who you really are. Your children will know the important thoughts, feelings, and values you want them to know. They won't be confused, in the dark, and worried about where you stand on certain issues. Tension and uncertainty will be replaced by a new, secure awareness of who you reall are.

Encouraging Self-Disclosure In Your Child

Your openness, directness, and sincerity will invariably encourage the same from your children and from others around you. Honesty is very contagious in families when it is modeled by the parent, along with the attitude that the home is a "safe place" for everyone to express true thoughts and feelings. Generally, this kind of self-disclosure draws families closer together. Indifference, alienation, and tension recede. Trust and mutual caring take their place.

Conflicts Are Prevented

The other members of your family can better meet your needs when they have a clear picture of what you want. The chances of having conflicts with your children resulting from unknown or uncommunicated needs are thus greatly reduced. Expressing yourself openly and clearly will eliminate unwanted surprise, unpreparedness, and the unexpected from your relationships. In a family where openness and genuineness prevail, tension, resentment, and silent suffering simply have no opportunity to grow.

For more on how to use effective self-disclosure, email info@gordontraining.com, or check out the P.E.T. book.

Running Into Resistance to I-Messages?

So you have decided to confront your child about a problem you have. You deliver a perfect, three-part Confrontive I-Message, but your child replies, "So what? Who cares?" Or maybe they deliver an I-Message of their own.

What do you do next?

Confrontive I-Messages do not always solve your problem immediately. When we deliver an I-Message, the person we are confronting may react to our message defensively.

"So what," "who cares" and other responses like these are coded messages.

"Who cares!" does not really mean that the child does not care; it is a coded message for other feelings that the child is experiencing, such as being hassled, picked on, or embarrassed.

All spoken words and the accompanying behaviors are purposeful; they are a way for a child or another person to try and express something else. This is where you have the opportunity to shift gears to Active Listening.

By shifting from your Confrontive I-Message to Active listening, you can help the child identify and express her real feelings and, in so doing, help her to become unflooded so she is ready to hear your I-Message.

Take a look at this excerpt from P.E.T. for a better understanding of what happens when a child responds with resistance to an I-Message:

"Children...frequently respond to an I-Message by sending back an I-Message of their own. Rather than immediately modify their behavior, they want you to hear what their feelings are, as in this incident:

MOTHER: I hate to see the clean living room all dirtied up as soon as you come home from school. I feel very discouraged about that after I’ve worked hard to clean it up.

SON: I think you’re too picky about keeping the house clean.

At this point, parents untrained in P.E.T. often get defensive and irritated, rebutting with, 'Oh no I’m not,' or 'That’s none of your business,' or 'I don’t care what you think about my standards.' To handle such situations effectively, parents must be reminded of our first basic principle—when the child has a feeling or a problem, use Active Listening. We call this 'Shifting Gears'—temporarily changing from a confronting posture to a listening posture. In the preceding incident, Mom’s I-Message gave the child a problem (as these messages usually do). So now is the time to show understanding and acceptance, since your I-Message has caused him a problem:

MOTHER: You feel my standards are too high and that I’m fussy.

SON: Yeah.

MOTHER: Well, that may be true. I’ll think about that. But until I change, I sure feel darned discouraged about seeing all my work go down the drain. I’m very upset right now about this room.

Often, after the child can tell that his parent has understood his feeling, he will modify his behavior. Usually, all the child wants is understanding of hisfeelings—then he feels like doing something constructive about your feelings."

So don’t feel discouraged when your I-Message is not instantly received as you wish it would be. Step back and listen to your child and let her know that her feelings are appreciated as well.

We hope this was helpful to you! We would be interested in hearing your feedback, suggestions, insights and so forth.

Thank you! :)