What Are Your Favorite Roadblocks?

I've learned many ways to "help" my friends, family, co-workers with their problems, but without realization that many of my "helping responses" are "Roadblocks". Yikes!

What are your favorite Roadblocks to use with your children?

I like to share with you a few of my favorite Roadblocks and what the affects are if/when I were to use them.

Roadblock #4: Advising, Giving Solutions - "What I would do is..." "Why don't you..." "Let me suggest..."

• Can imply child is not able to solve own problems
• Prevents child from thinking through a problem, considering alternative solutions, and trying them out for reality
• Can cause dependency, or resistance

Roadblock #5: Persuading With Logic, Arguing - "Here is why you are wrong..." "The facts are..." "Yes, but..."

• Provokes defensive position and counter arguments
• Often causes child to "turn off" parent, to quit listening
• Can cause child to feel inferior, inadequate

Roadblock #7: Praising, Agreeing - "Well, I think you're doing a great job!" "You're right!--that teacher sounds awful!"

• Implies high parental expectations and possible future evaluation
• Can be seen as patronizing or as a manipulative effort to encourage desired behavior
• Can cause anxiety when child's perception of self doesn't match parent's praise

Roadblock #11: Probing and Questioning - "Why...?" "Who...?" "What did you...?" "How...?"

• Since answering questions often results in getting subsequent criticisms or solutions, children often learn to reply with non-answers, avoidance, half-truths, or lies
• Since questions often keep the child in the dark as to what the parent is driving at, the child may become anxious and fearful
• Child can lose sight of his or her problem while answering questions spawned by the parent's concerns*

*Examples from Dr. Thomas Gordon's P.E.T. Participant Workbook

The Not-So-Obvious Roadblock: Praising

Most of us instantly recognize why Criticizing, Threatening, Name-Calling, and Diverting (withdrawing or using humor) make it onto the list of the 12 Communication Roadblocks. However, I am often asked why "Praising" is a roadblock to communication.

Contrary to the common belief that praise is always beneficial to children, it often has very negative effects. A positive evaluation that does not fit the child's self-image may evoke hostility: "I am not pretty, I'm ugly." "I hate my hair." "I did not play well, I was lousy."

Children infer that if a parent judges positively, they can also judge negatively someo ther time. Also, the absence of praise in a family where praise is used frequently can be interpreted by the child as criticism: "You didn't say anything nice about my hair so you must not like it."

Praise is often felt by the child as manipulative--a subtle way of influenceing the child to do what the parent wants: "You're just saying that so I'll study harder."

Children sometimes infer that their parents don't understand them when they praise: "You wouldn't say that if you knew how I really felt about myself."

Children are often embarrassed and uncomfortable when praise is given, especially in front of their friends: "Oh, Dad, that's not true!"

Children who are praised a lot may grow to depend on it and even demand it: "You didn't say anything about my cleaning up my room." "How do I look, Mother?" "Wasn't I a good little boy?" "Isn't that a good drawing?"

Praise is a good thing...right?

“I think you did exactly the right thing!"
“You did such a good job!"
"What a nice friend you are."

We often think that a positive evaluation or agreement will help others feel better, keep talking and get over their problems. Contrary to the common belief that such support is always beneficial, it often has very negative effects on a person with negative feelings and problems. A positive evaluation that does not fit the other’s self-image may also evoke denial. People also infer that if we can judge them positively, we can just as easily judge them negatively some other time. Also, if praise is frequent, its absence may be interpreted as criticism. Praise is often felt to be manipulative, a subtle way of influencing others to do what you want them to do. And if you praise a lot, you run the risk of making people so dependent on your praise that they cannot function without constant approval from you.

Been ROADBLOCKED lately?

If you have read P.E.T. or have attended a P.E.T. class, you are probably very familiar with these nasty obstacles that can stop effective communication in its tracks.

The roadblocks come in 12 different varieties: Ordering, Warning, Moralizing, Advising, Using logic, Criticizing, Praising, Labeling, Analyzing, Reassuring, Questioning, and Avoiding.

What is a time you were roadblocked, and how did it make you feel? Or, can you remember a time you roadblocked someone else, and how they reacted?