Do Parents Have to Put Up a "United Front"?

Parents Don't Have to Put Up a "United Front"

Even more important, the advice to be consistent has led many a mother and father to think that they should always be together in their feelings, presenting a united parental front to their children. This is nonsense. Yet, it is one of the most entrenched beliefs in child-rearing. Parents, according to this traditional notion, should always back each other up so that the child is led to believe that both parents feel the same way about a particular behavior.

Apart from the utter unfairness of this strategy--ganging up on the child in a two-against-one alignment--it often promotes "unrealness" on the part of one of the parents.

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A sixteen-year-old girl's room is generally not kept clean enough to meet her mother's standards. This daughter's cleaning habits are unacceptable to Mother (in her area of nonacceptance). Her father, however, finds the room acceptably clean and neat. The same behavior is within his area of acceptance. Mother puts pressure on Father to feel the same way about the room as she does, so that they can have a united front (and thus have more influence on the daughter). If Father goes along, he is being untrue to his real feelings.

A six-year-old boys is playing with his video games and making more racket than his father can accept. Mother, however, is not bothered at all. She is delighted that the child is playing independently instead of hanging around her as he did all day. Father approaches Mother. "Why don't you do something to stop him making all that noise?" If Mother goes along, she is being untrue to her real feelings.*

*Excerpt from Dr. Thomas Gordon's P.E.T. book

Remember: You can be supportive, but not have a "united front"

Lying, Hiding Feelings

Some children learn early in life that if they lie they can avoid a great deal of punishment. On occasion lying can even bring them rewards. Children invariably begin to earn their parents' values--they get to know accurately what their parents will approve or disapprove of. Without exception, every child I have seen in therapy whose parents used a heavy dose of rewards and punishment, revealed how much they lied to their parents. One adolescent girl told me:

"My mother won't let me go out with this one guy, so I have my girlfriend pick me up and tell Mom we're going to the moview or something. Then I go meet my boyfriend."

Another said:

"My mother won't let me wear low-cut shirts, so I wear another shirt over the low-cut one, and when I leave the house, I take it off a few blocks away and then put it back on before I come home."

While children lie a lot because so many parente rely hevaily on rewards and punishment, I firmly believe that the tendency to lie is not natural in youngsters. It is a learned response--a coping mechanism to handle the parents' attempts to control by manipulation of rewards and punishment. Children are not likely to lie in families where they are accepted and their freedom is respected.

Parents who complain that their children do not share their problems or talk about what is going on in their lives are also generally parents who have used a lot of punishment. Children learn how to play the game, and one way is to keep quiet.