The Characteristics of a Helping Relationship

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In almost every phase of our lives - at home, at school, at work - we find ourselves under the rewards and punishments of external judgments. "That's good;" "that's naughty;" "that's worth an A;" "that's failure;" "that's good counseling;" "that's poor counseling." Such judgments are a part of our lives from infancy to old age. I believe they have a certain social usefulness to institutions and organizations such as schools and professors. Like everyone else, I find myself all too often making such evaluations. But in my experience, they do not make for personal growth, and hence I do not believe that they are a part of a helping relationship. Curiously enough, a positive evaluation is as threatening in the long run as a negative one, since to inform someone that she is good implies that you also have the right to tell her she is bad. So I have come to feel that the more I can keep a relationship free of judgement and evaluation, the more this will permit the other person to reach the point where she recognizes that the locus of evaluation, the center of responsibility, lies within herself. The meaning and value of her experience is, in the last analysis, something which is up to her, and no amount of external judgement can alter this. So I should like to work toward a relationship in which I am not, even in my own feelings, evaluating her. This I believe can set her free to be a self-responsible person. 

Can I meet this other individual as a person who is in the process of becoming, or will I be bound by her past and mine?

If in my encounter with her, I am dealing with her as an immature child, an ignorant student, a neurotic personality or a psychopath, each of these concepts of mine limits what she can be in the relationship...If I accept her as a process of becoming, then I am doing what I can to confirm or make her real potentialities.

Written by Carl R. Rogers, Ph.D., 

Excerpts reprinted with permission of the author in the Parent Effectiveness Training workbook

Why Are There Conditions for Active Listening?

The Appropriate Conditions for Active Listening

To listen to another with the intention of helping that person deal with a personal problem is to assume a counseling posture. Such a postures is characterized by having the intention of helping another person; using good attending behavior; being accepting, empathic, and genuine; and using Active Listening. For this counseling posture to work well, certain conditions must be present; otherwise, either the sender of the listener, or both, may resent or regret the experience. The following are the necessary conditions:

Conditions Within the Other Person

____________________________________________________________

1. Must be having strong feelings and/or be aware of having a problem,

2. Must be giving off cues and clues that express those feelings or problems ("I'm worried, I've got a problem," crying, sulking, etc.) and

3. Must be willing to talk to the listener about the situation.

What happens if these conditions are not present in the other person?

If feelings or problems are not present in the other person, or s/he is not willing to talk, taking a counseling posture can imply that the sender is "sick" and the listener is well, and Active Listening may seem like a maddening, demeaning word game. The "counselor" at such times may be greeted with scorn or hostility.

Conditions Within the Listener

______________________________________________________________

The listener must have a genuinely helpful "set" in the following areas:

1. Feel genuinely accepting (not needing to change the sender).

2. Want to help (not just be turning on a technique).

3. Have, and want to take, enough time.

(If not, a later appointment can be set up. Or if talk takes more time than expected, it can be continued at a later, agreed upon time.)

4. Trust that the other, with some helpful support, can solve their own problem better than the listener can.

What sometimes makes this difficult to believe is our long exposure to the authoritative, culturally-accepted "medical model" for helping another. In that model, any helper is seen as analogous to a "doctor" who gathers symptoms and data, diagnoses the patient's problem, and decides on an prescribes the best treatment. The helpee, as the "patient", is then expected to follow "doctor's orders." Within this cultural orientation, it is often hard to believe that the other people are their own best experts for solving their own problems.

(Incidentally, the medical profession itself is beginning to trade in this archaic approach in favor of involving patients more more in their own treatment.)

5. Feel reasonably separate from the other person and the problem.

This means recognizing clearly that you are not the other person; that his or her pain is not your pain; the other person owns the problem, not you; and that you are empathizing, not identifying.

What happens if these conditions are not present in the listener?

If these conditions are not met, the listener's Active Listening will inevitably (and usually unconsciously) reflect that in the form of:

1. Attempts to change or influence the other person with hidden solutions, judgments, etc. buried in the feedbacks.
2. Nonverbal cues of unacceptance or lack of interest.
3. Inability to decode the other person's real messages. The "inner ear" will be turned off.

The send will experience such Active Listening as manipulative, condescending, frustrating or boring, and will react with scorn or hostility.

In short, if these conditions are not met inside the listener, the time is not right for him/her to become a counselor. Instead, the listener should reevaluate the behavior responded to in terms of its placement in the Behavior Window and look again for the most appropriate choice of skills.*

* Excerpt from Dr. Thomas Gordon's F.E.T. Adult Resource Book

What Are the Characteristics of A Helping Relationship?

THE CHARACTERISTICS OF A HELPING RELATIONSHIP

Carl R. Rogers, Ph.D.

Excerpts reprinted with permission of the author.

My interest in psychotherapy has brought about in me an interest in every kind, of helping relationship. By this term I mean a relationship in which at least one of the parties has the intent of promoting the growth, development, maturity, improved functioning, improved coping with the life of the other. The other, in this sense, may be one individual or a group. To put it in another way, a helping relationship might be defined as one in which one of the participants intends that there should come about, in one or both parties, more appreciation of, more expression of, more functional use of the latent inner resources of the individual.

Now it is obvious that such a definition covers a wide range of relationships which usually are intended to facilitate growth. It would certainly include the relationship between mother and child, father and child. It would include the relationship between the physician and his patient. The relationship between teacher and pupil would often come under this definition, though some teachers would not have the promotion of growth as their intent. It includes almost all counselor-client relationships, whether we are speaking of education counseling, vocational counseling, or personal counseling. In this last-mentioned area it would include the wide range of relationships between the psychotherapist and the hospitalized psychotic, the therapist and the troubled or neurotic individual, and the relationship between the therapist and the increasing number of so-called "normal" individuals who enter therapy to improve their own functioning or accelerate their personal growth.

These are largely one-to-one relationships. But we should also think of the large number of individual-group interactions which are intended as helping relationships. Some administrators intend that their relationship to their staff groups shall be of the sort which promotes growth, though other administrators would not have this purpose. The interaction between the group therapy leader and his group belongs here. So does the relationship of the community consultant to a community group. Increasingly the interaction between the industrial consultant and a management group is intended as a helping relationship. Perhaps this listing will point up the fact that a great many of the relationships in which we and others are involved fall within this category of interactions in which there is the purpose of promoting development and more mature and adequate functioning.

But what are the characteristics of those relationships which do help, which do facilitate growth? And at the other end of the scale, is it possible to discern those characteristics which make a relationship unhelpful, even though it has the sincere intent to promote growth and development?

Active Listening Guidelines

Active Listening is a powerful tool for helping children express and work through problems and upsets. Active Listening when misused, however, can actually add to a child's problem and undermine the helping relationship. The following guidelines will insure that your use of Active Listening is appropriate and helpful.

When To Use Active Listening

Active Listening requires certain conditions and attitudes to be present before it is an appropriate response to your child's troubled communication. You should Active Listen only when:

• You get verbal or non-verbal cues that your child may have a problem or an unmet need.
• You genuinely want to help and the time and place are convenient.
• You feel accepting of your child; your child's behavior does not cause you a problem.
• You feel separate enough from your child's problem that his solution to the problem, whatever it is, will be acceptable to you.
• You are able to attend closely to your child. None of your concerns are so pressing that they will interfere with your concentration on your child's communication.

When NOT To Use Active Listening

There are clearly times when Active Listening should not be used without risking the creation of more problems. These times include when:

• You get no cues and clues that the child is experiencing a problem. (Don't create them!)
• You don't want to help in this case. You don't care, you're rushed, you're busy.
• Your child's behavior is unacceptable to you. You are irritated or hurt by it.
• You are invested in having your child reach the "right" solution to her problem. (Your Active Listening will then tend to be contaminated by hints in the "right" direction.)
• Your own problems are too upsetting and immediate to allow you to be intently focused on your child's concerns.
• Your child simply needs information which you have and he doesn't.
• Your child states the problem or feelings so clearly and specifically that an attempt to feedback would feel redundant and patronizing. (Silence or acknowledgment is better in such cases.)

It is helpful to use a variety of expressions when you Active Listen. Repetition of one phrase such as "Sounds like..." or "You feel..." rapidly becomes irritating to your child and comes across as a technique rather than a genuine, natural and empathic response.

Practice using different words as you are Active Listening. One way to develop your Active Listening is to think about starting with only one part. This can be either listening to "Facts," thoughts, ideas, information, or listening only to "Feelings."

ACTIVE LISTENING TO FACTS (especially good in the No Problem Area)

• The fact is...
• You think...
• The idea you have is...
• What you are saying is...
• Your view is...
• You believe...

ACTIVE LISTENING TO FEELINGS 

• You feel...
• It's really...
• So you feel...
• Looks like...
• Sounds like you are...
• Seems like your feeling is...

Relax, make your Active Listening as natural as possible. Using analogies that are age and interest appropriate are also good ways to develop a more natural variety of Active Listening responses.

Lead-ins include:

ACTIVE LISTENING TO FACTS AND FEELINGS

• You feel...about...
• It's...when...
• You can't...and that's...
• You're really...because...
• The way you see it is...and that's...
• When...you're really...
• You are...that...

In its complete form Active Listening includes both the "Facts" (content) and the Feelings.

• It's like being hit by a truck.
• You feel your teacher really nailed you to the wall
• You got hung out to dry
• She really shot you down (military or video gaming)
• So it's like you really struck out (sports)

As your Active Listening develops, you can refine it to include listening to multiple feelings and to conflicting thoughts and feelings your children and others have.

ACTIVE LISTENING TO MULTIPLE FEELINGS

When your child has conflicting thoughts or feelings, you can begin by Active Listening to just the dilemma, or if the two parts are equally strong, you can include both of them in your Active Listening.

• "You feel stuck."
• "You feel torn."
• "It's hard to decide."

OR

• You want to stay home and play and you want to go to the store with Mommy.
• You'd like to buy that new video game today and you also want to save your money for a new bike.
• You're excited about the idea of trying out for basketball, at the same time you're worried you might not make the team.
• You feel stuck because you want to keep hanging out with your friends but they've all started smoking and you don't like to be around all their smoke.
• You feel excited about getting asked to the dance and yet you're not sure you want to go with Mike.
• It's hard to decide; you like all the resources a big university has to offer, however, the idea of life at a small college really appeals to you.

You don't need to be perfect! It's reassuring to know that, when you are listening with genuine empathy, your attention is on the child and your intention is to help her identify feelings and solve her own problem it can still "work." Imperfect Active Listening, unlike Roadblocks, will usually be accepted by the other and she will continue to talk about her feelings and explore solutions to problems and decisions.