The Problem With "Quick-Fix" Parenting

Many will say that this day in age, people have traded slow and old-fashioned ways of doing things for anything that can be done easier, faster and cheaper. In reality, we've been doing this all along. From the invention of the wheel to laptop computers, humans have been attempting to reinvent cheap convenience since...forever. And we don't stop at technology, either.

A distressed mother called recently, desperate for help after experiencing the utter failure of a well-known quick-fix parenting program. We won't name names. But here's the summary: The entire program was based around a method that instructs parents to (upon experiencing some undesirable behavior from their children) warn their child that if the behavior has not ended by the time they count to three, that the child gets put in a time out or gets privileges taken away. Theoretically, after the count to three, the child receives their consequence and that is the "end of story." (Yeah, right.)

Tempting as it may be to seek parenting methods that publicize to get-your-kids-to-behave-themselves-in-five-minutes-or-less-for-$29.99, I can't help but think about the old familiar saying: "If it seems too good to be true, it probably is." Yet, I sit here in disbelief over the amount of (successful) parenting programs that claim to achieve exactly that. The victims being those parents in desperation to try anything.

It can't go without mentioning that there seems to also exist an underlying implication that parents are too busy to spend the necessary time working on the behavioral and emotional issues of their children. This may be another problem all on it's own, but the ultimate doom of these parenting methods seem to ultimately (and without fail) become an insurmountable heap of disaster.

Here's why they don't work:

Let's assume that the inner-workings of a developing child's brain is a highly complex and growing instrument composed of electricity and soft tissue, that has the astonishing capability to communicate, create patterns, grow and think, all the while maintaining continuous functionality of every other vital organ in the body. This instrument is actualized by biology, culture and experience. Also keep in mind that every event that this "instrument" experiences during childhood has an immeasurable influence on who that child becomes for the remainder of their lives. If you are among those individuals who believes in facts, then feel free to set aside assumptions at this point and embrace these ideas as truths. How can something as intricate as the brain of a child be permanently guided and influenced by count-to-three type parenting methods?

Wait a minute, though - there's nothing wrong with many of the advantages of life in 2013. We all want to save time, money and effort for most of life's daily tasks.

Here are some quick-fix solutions that won't haunt you later on (to name a few):

• Microwaves
• Self-adhesive envelopes
• Dishwashers
• Blow Dryers
• Cellphones (to be debated)

But by using simple tools, with something as complex and profound as the human brain - which has the ability to react, brainstorm, re-evaluate, and re-route its behavioral avenues - it's no wonder that quick-fix parenting tricks never cease to fail.

For parents who've got nothing but a few minutes, a few dollars and (most of all) a tiny bit of effort set aside to solve the intricate behavioral dilemmas of their children, I hope they consider this question: Would you hire a heart surgeon on the same basis?

by: Selena George, Program Manager

One Mother's Testimony on the P.E.T. Workshop

Our P.E.T. Instructor in Bend, OR - Natalie Hull- was kind enough to share some feedback that she received from a participant after her most recent workshop concluded.

Here is what one mother wrote:

The Parent Effectiveness Training dramatically influenced the way I interact with my two teenagers and it significantly altered my relationships in positive ways. Before I took the course, my connections with my kids had much depth and lots of laughter, however there were many power struggles and times of stress. Now, we have depth, laughter, honest and open communication and more peace.

The book offers many ideas and insights, and when I took the class, the philosophy and concepts were easier to understand and implement. Discussions, storytelling and role plays help cement ideas and the different exercises gave parents to the opportunity to tailor responses based on the age level of his or her child. The philosophy is the same for all ages, and with all relationships, which is something that really comes to light when taking the course.

After taking this course, I can honestly say that I approach my teenagers differently, communicate differently and respond differently.  As a result, our relationships have strengthened. My parenting still has its challenges, however, there are  many new understandings that have helped me to pause and take a look at the situation, ask myself who owns the problem if there is a problem, how to communicate in the most effective way and how to actively listen in the hopes that my kids can feel understood and valued. I highly recommend the Parent Effectiveness Training course, as it has no doubt enhanced and strengthened my relationships with my kids in a way that encourages creativity, honesty, trust and authenticity which I believe are central to building healthy relationships with our children, and in all meaningful relationships we encounter.

For more information on Natalie Hull or Parent Effectiveness Training, please email us at family@gordontraining.com.

The Problem With Permissive Parenting

The most common misconception about Parent Effectiveness Training is that it encourages parents to "give-in" to their child's every desire. The idea that permissiveness is the alternative to power is a false dichotomy in itself. While permissiveness is, by definition, the opposite of strict, these options are not the only two that parents have. Moreover, the idea of meeting somewhere in the middle (i.e. compromise) falls on the same Strict-to-Lenient continuum, of which P.E.T. does not endorse. 

Much is to be said about the negative outcomes of using parental power, but the effects of permissive parenting are just as damaging.

In any win-lose relationship, the unbalance of power takes form in a multitude of ways. Depending on the relationship and degree of power used on the parent, the side effects on the child can include:

• Lack of consideration for the needs of others
• Resistance in cooperation in group dynamics
• Lack of empathy toward others
• Inability to adapt to new environments
• Lack of problem solving skills
• Difficulty maintaining healthy adult relationships

This style of parenting has effects on the parent as well:

• Resentment/Passive Aggressiveness toward the child
• Lack of affection toward the child
• Emotional distance toward the child

Permissiveness can also show up in the form of becoming falsely accepting toward your child and his or her behaviors. False acceptance is a common method for parents who "don't want to deal with it" and submit to their children's demands, while simultaneously bearing resentment. One of the most serious symptoms of false acceptance is a lack of trust toward the parent which results in constant questioning, uncertainty and delinquency  It's usually quite easy for children to pick up on the non-verbal signals that their parents send them, leaving them in a perpetual state of confusion about what their parent really feels and wants. 

With permissive and authoritarian styles out the window, there lies a need for an alternative. P.E.T. teaches parents the communication methods and skills used for decades by many psychologists. By neither winning, losing or compromise, the P.E.T. method is unique in that it is the only (yes, I said only) approach that is on an entirely different spectrum—one that relies on influence, respect, and true fairness.  

Inconceivable? Check out the Parent Effectiveness Training book or find a workshop near you.

By: Selena George, P.E.T. Program Manager