The 12 Communication Roadblocks

Throughout our lives, we have learned a variety of ways to help children as well as adults when they have strong feelings, thoughts or problems. We want to be helpful, yet many of our responses actually make it more difficult for the person to express himself, make a decision, or solve a problem.

Listed here are twelve of the more frequent "helping responses" which can become "Roadblocks" to communication. When you read this list, you may feel like the rug has been pulled out from under you because so many of your regular ways of talking responses are now called roadblocks.

1. Ordering, Directing: "Stop feeling sorry for yourself..."
2. Warning, Threatening: "You'll never make friends if..." "You'd better stop worrying so much or..."
3. Moralizing, Preaching: "Life is not a bowl of cherries..." "You shouldn't feel that way..." "Patience is a virtue you should learn..."
4. Advising, Giving Solutions: "What I would do is...", "Why don't you..." "Let me suggest..."
5. Persuading with Logic, Arguing: "Here is why you are wrong..." "The facts are..." "Yes, but..."
6. Judging, Criticizing, Blaming: "You are not thinking maturely..." "You are just lazy..." "Maybe you started the fight first..."
7. Praising, Agreeing: "Well, I think you're doing a great job!" "You're right!--that teacher sounds awful."
8. Name-calling, Ridiculing: "Crybaby--", "That's stupid to worry about one low test grade."
9. Analyzing, Diagnosing: "What's wrong with you is..." "You're just tired." "What you really mean is..."
10. Reassuring, Sympathizing: "Don't worry." "You'll feel better." "Oh, cheer up!"
11. Questioning, Probing: "Why..." "Who...?" "What did you...?" "How...?"
12. Diverting, Sarcasm, Withdrawal: "Let's talk about pleasant things..." "Why don't you try running the world!?" Remaining silent, turning away

Two things to know about "Roadblocks":

1. These are roadblocks when the child/other is experiencing a problem or strong feelings (Other Owns a Problem). When the relationship is in the "No Problem Area" many of these are not roadblocks (e.g., joking, asking questions, etc.). Some, like name-calling and ridiculing are always risky and cause problems.
2. You are not a "bad" parent because you use roadblocks. You are doing what you have been taught to do to help others. P.E.T. will provide you with more effective alternatives to begin using instead of these common roadblocks.

Future posts on the effects some roadblocks have on communication, and useful alternatives to help the flow of communication.

Setting the Stage: The Important Step to Take Before Method III

Before beginning Method III for the first time it is essential that you lay the ground work with your child or other person. In P.E.T. this is called "Setting the Stage" and it is something you need to do before starting with Step 1.

Just because you want to use a win-win way to solve problems, don't expect the other person to immediately be enthusiastic about trying something new. If your child, partner or other person is used to Method I or Method II as the way you solve problems together, he or she may be very suspicious when you try to introduce Method III. To her it may seem hard to believe and it may take time and energy to help her accept and embrace Method III.

"Setting the Stage" provides a way for you to introduce both the idea and steps of Method III while dealing with any feelings of mistrust or uncertainty on the part of the child/other. It's important that you not use Method I (power) to get them to agree to try Method III.

Once you have used Method III with your child/other and she is familiar with it and has trust that her needs will get met (you will both be winners), then "Setting the Stage" goes very quickly. The process becomes much less formal and usually involves only having to identify there is a problem and agreeing on a time to address it using Method III.

SETTING THE STAGE:

• Choose best possible time/situation.
• Tell child you would like to talk with him/her about a problem.
• Convince child you both need to be happy with the results.
• Explain Method III.
• Agree to use Method III and schedule a time to begin.

Choose the best possible time/situation.

The very first time you introduce the idea of using Method III to your child or family, do it when there is no conflict and you are both in the No Problem Area. Talk about how and why you would like to solve problems differently in the future.

For best reception and acceptance of Method III, try it first on a "No Problem Area" decision such as what to do during the next family vacation or choose a very small problem which is free of strong feelings and past history.

Tell the child/other you would like to talk with him or her about a problem.

When you do finally introduce an actual problem, indicate that you would like to work it out differently than you have in the past. Let him know you want to work together to solve it and that his thoughts, feelings and needs are important to you.

Convince the child/other you both need to be happy with the results.

This is a place for Gear Shifting. "Convince" doesn't mean you try to talk him into it, in fact it means you will probably need to do a lot of Active listening.

Begin with an I-Message about why you want to solve this problem in a different way and then be ready to Gear Shift and use Active Listening to deal with any suspicion, resistance or confusion on the part of your child or other. 

Once you have Active Listened, use another I-Message to restate your genuine desire to work the problem out in a win-win way so you end up agreeing on a solution that you both are happy with.

Explain Method III.

Don't expect your child or the other person to automatically understand what you mean by Method III Problem Solving. Because of their life experiences, the words "Problem Solving" means Method I, II or Compromise to them. You will need to explain exactly what the Six Steps are and how they work.

Start by briefly reviewing the ways of solving problems they are most familiar with, Method I, and Method II (win-lose).

Example - you might explain this to your child by telling her: "One way for us to solve a problem is for me to tell you what to do - and you have to do it. You'll end up unhappy and feeling like the loser. Another way is for you to decide to do whatever you want - and I end up feeling like the loser."

"Our relationship is important to me. I want you and me to feel good about how we solve our problems together."

"I'd like to do things differently. There is a better way to work things out so there are no losers and everyone wins."

Be ready at any point to Active Listen to more suspicion or confusion.

When your child/other is ready to hear it, explain what each of the Six Steps are. Use language and examples that fit the age of your child.

Agree to use Method III and schedule a time to begin.

Once your child or other understands how Method III works, and she is willing to try it, agree on when you will begin Step 1. You may decide to start immediately or at a later time.

Note that how precisely you follow the process of "setting the Stage" and how much detail you present will depend on the age of the child and on the relationship.

Please leave any comments or questions you have!

Get What You Need Every Time: Method III

Last month, the Family Connection explored how compromise can be detrimental to a relationship rather than healthy. Compromising involves people in a conflict trying to keep as much of their own solution as possible, and lose as little as possible. In the end, someone’s needs are what actually end up being compromised, and this usually results in feelings of anger, resentment, sadness, etc. 

Method III is a different way of resolving conflict that fosters healthy, close relationships. Instead of putting ourselves through the frustration of not having our needs met through compromise, or feeling like we have to battle our loved ones in a "my needs vs. your needs" battle, we can clearly state our needs and then discuss and reach a solution that meets everyone's needs. In other words, we really can make sure everyone gets what they need all of the time. 

Next time you have a conflict, instead of giving in to the other person and sacrificing your needs for theirs (Method II), implementing your own solutions and putting your needs ahead of theirs (Method I), or going through the frustration of a compromise, try these six simple steps of Method III instead:

1. Define everyone’s needs

2. Brainstorm solutions

3. Evaluate the solutions

4. Decide on final solutions

5. Implement solutions

6. Evaluate solutions

Let’s take a look at how this would work using one of last month’s examples. 

"I don't want to eat my broccoli; it makes me gag!"

"You need your vegetables. Now just take 5 bites!"

Before you launch into Method III, make sure you set a time that everyone involved in the conflict can sit down and go through all six steps. Depending on the conflict and who is involved, Method III could take 5 minutes, or it could take 30. Make sure you leave adequate time open, and that it is a good time for everyone! 

Method III is about getting your needs met, not getting your solution “met” as it were. It can be a challenge separating solutions from needs. For example, when a child says "I need my own room," they have presented a solution for his/her underlying needs. What s/he actually might need may be more privacy or more space—and that need is something both parties involved can determine together with Active Listening. 

Defining needs (Step 1) is the most critical of the six steps, since steps 2-6 are all about finding solutions for the needs defined in the first step. The next Family Connection will discuss Step 1 and separating needs from solutions in more detail.

Both of these things--making sure you choose a good time, and begin Method III without predetermined solutions--are part of what P.E.T. calls “Setting the Stage.” For more information on “Setting the Stage,” check out the P.E.T. blog! 

Step 1: Define Everyone’s Needs

 Parent: So you really hate that broccoli, don’t you?

 Child:   Yeah. It really grosses me out! I gag! I can’t eat it.

 Parent: Ok, so you need to stay away from broccoli.

 Child:   Yeah!

 Parent: Well, I need to make sure you’re getting all of your veggies. 

Remember, this is a simple example; often times, there are several needs. Write everyone’s needs down if you like!

Step 2: Brainstorm Solutions

Next, put your heads together and brainstorm solutions. The purpose of this is to generate lots of alternative solutions without any discussion or evaluation; keeping evaluation out of this step encourages thinking off the top of your heads. It is important to write down every solution that is suggested, even if it seems silly or impossible. Save the evaluation for later! Evaluating during brainstorming might discourage people from voicing their ideas, and you might miss a good one!

Parent: So what can we do so that you don’t have to eat broccoli and I know you’re getting all your vitamins?

Child: Eat more vitamins!

Parent: Ok, I’ll write that idea down. And I’m also going to write down serving vegetables you like!

Child:  Or what about smoothies?

Once you’re done brainstorming ideas, go ahead and move on to the next step.

Step 3: Evaluate the Solutions

Go down the list and discuss all of the ideas with each other. A good idea is to put a checkmark next to the ideas you both agree on, cross out the ones no one agrees on, and put a question mark next to the ones on which you have a difference of opinion. You can use your I-Messages and Active Listening skills to discuss the items with a question mark, until you can both agree on a checkmark or crossing it out. You should be left with a list of solutions that you both agree on.

In this case, our parent-child pair put a checkmark next to the smoothies solution, and the choosing vegetables that the child likes solution. They both agreed to cross out the vitamins after a brief discussion, since the parent says that there’s a limit on how many vitamins the child can safely take per day. 

Step 4: Decide on Final Solution(s)

Decide together on the final solution to your conflict. This could include putting one or more of your ideas into action. Since the parent and child here put checkmarks next to 2 solutions, they take a closer look at these two. They decide that choosing a vegetable the child likes and drinking smoothies will both work. The child will be eating something s/he likes, and the parent will know that his/her child will be getting proper nutrition. Remember, the final solution(s) should be mutually agreed on!

Step 5: Implement Solution(s)

At this point, all parties involved should decide who is responsible for the different parts of the solution(s) and what each agrees to do to carry it out. It’s important to agree on when to begin and then put your solution into practice. 

In this example, the child agrees to prepare a list of vegetables he likes and get it to the parent before her next grocery shopping trip, which will be on Friday. The parent agrees to pick up these veggies and serve them with dinner, and s/he also agrees to make smoothies for the child on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays.

Step 6: Evaluate Solution(s)

The next step is to work out a plan to check later on to be sure the solution(s) is still working and everyone’s needs continue to be met if it is an ongoing situation. If it is a one-time event, then be sure that everyone’s needs have been met and the problem has been solved. 

Parent and child decide that they will sit down to talk again in a month. They choose a date on the calendar that works for both of them. 

If the solution(s) isn’t working at that point, they may need to re-evaluate, discuss a different way of implementing their solution, or even brainstorm more ideas.

Method III can help you resolve conflicts without power struggles, hurt feelings, resentment, or anger. It makes sure everyone's needs are met, and everyone will feel satisfied. 

Give it a try! 

Conflict: An Opportunity for Your Relationship to Grow!

Conflict is a disagreement, a clash, a quarrel, a fight between two or more people--family members, friends, coworkers and the like. It's the moment of truth in a relationship; a test of its health; a crisis that can weaken or strengthen it.

Conflicts can push people away from each other or pull them closer together. Whether it occurs at home, at school, at work, or elsewhere, most people hate conflict and avoid it at all costs. They pretend nothing is wrong. 

They do this because in their experience most conflicts end with someone winning and someone losing or both losing. People end up distant from each other. Sometimes they end up hating each other, or worse, physically hurting each other.

Few people accept that conflict is a natural part of life and not necessarily bad. Actually, it would be a rare relationship in which one person's needs did not conflict with the other's over a period of time. When any two people (or groups) coexist, conflict is bound to occur just because people are different, think differently and have needs and wants that sometimes don't match.

Conflicts can be about friends, spouses, coworkers, chores, money, etc. 

Conflict in a family, with friends, with spouses, coworkers, etc., openly expressed and accepted as natural and inevitable, can be far healthier than most people think. It can be useful in identifying problems which need to be solved. And it can bring about constructive changes in relationships.

Probably the most important factor in any relationship is how conflicts get resolved, not how many conflicts occur. How they get resolved determines to a great extent whether a relationship will be healthy or unhealthy, friendly or unfriendly, intimate or cold, deep or shallow.

Last week, we examined compromise as one way of resolving a conflict, and the damages it can do to a relationship when one person wins and the other person loses. Next week, we will examine how to resolve conflicts so that our relationships can grow stronger. 

The Family Connection: Get Connected!

The Family Connection is a free monthly e-newsletter sent out by Gordon Training International. Each month we provide stories and insights concerning the skills that are learned in our programs including P.E.T. (Parent Effectiveness Training), T.E.T. (Teacher Effectiveness Training) and Be Your Best. 

This newsletter is for everyone and anyone! (Especially those interested in learning about communication, conflict resolution, and improving relationships with others.)

Email us to sign up at family@gordontraining.com, or tell your friends! Feel free to send suggestions, feedback, or questions and comments!

Sign up for The Family Connection

P.E.T. News: Now on Facebook and MySpace!

Do you have a Facebook or MySpace page? P.E.T. has both!

First, we have started a new group on Facebook called "Parent Effectiveness Training" and we'd love you to join and help spread the word about this great program!

If you have Facebook, click here to become a member of the "Parent Effectiveness Training" group on Facebook. Also, go ahead and invite any friends you have that might be interested in or would benefit from P.E.T.

If you don't have Facebook, look into it! :) It's a great way to reconnect with friends and family, share pictures and express your views on life.

We have also created a page on MySpace. Click here to view our profile and add us as your friend!

We hope to see your smiling faces in our members section soon!

What's your favorite I-Message to give?

As a refresher - an I-Message is a statement that describes you; an expression of your feelings and experience. They don't have any kind of judgment or interpretation of others and, therefore, they are more honest and encourage others to be more open with you.

My favorite would have to be the Positive or Appreciative I-Message. I use this type of I-Message when I don't have any problems with the other person in my relationship. I simply use it to let them know that I appreciate something that they did, said or even just for the person they are. Positive I-Messages are very easy to give and really explain the "Why?" to your gratitude.

Here's a short message that is perfect for a child: "I really appreciate how you cleaned up your toys in the living room when I asked you to; it's much easier for me to find things in there when I need them now."

So simple, right? Do you see how in that short message you are telling the child what a specific behavior from them meant to you?

As a parent, you can feel good about yourself after sharing positive feelings like this and, most importantly, your child can feel appreciated, affirmed and loved.

To create an I-Message, just add the results of the answers to these questions:

What was my child's behavior that I appreciate?
What effect did that behavior have on me?
How did that behavior make me feel?

Make sure to be as clear as possible - don't add any labels like "You're such a good girl!" The point of a Positive I-Message is to focus on real feelings and experiences and steer clear of judgment.

Try using a Positive I-Message today with your child and report the results with the rest of us in the comments section to this post!

The Best Relationships Lack Compromise

Does this sound familiar?

"I'm not eating those."

"Oh, yes you are!"

How about this?

"I need to talk to you about something."

"Can't you just leave me alone for one second!?"

These types of conflicts occur often. When we have what seem like irreconcilable needs, in order to move forward, it seems that often one party ends up fulfilling their needs at the expense of the other’s. 

"Compromise" is a word often tossed around in these situations. We have all heard the conventional wisdom that every good relationship is based on compromise. All of us have been told at one time or another that we need to compromise. 

When we hear “compromise” though, it usually signals to us that we are going to have to give up something that we want for the greater good of the relationship. The attitude/mindset of both parties is still usually one of Win-Lose; each has concerns about losing and being sure they get most of what they want—their solutions.

Compromise means that one or both parties will forfeit one or more of their needs so that everyone can get along.

A compromise for our quarrels above might look like this:

 Example 1: 

"I don't want to eat my broccoli; it makes me gag!" 

"You need your vegetables. Now just take 5 bites!"

 Example 2:

"Fine, I guess I’ll wait on you; just let me know when you feel like talking."

In the first example, the child does not get his needs met. He may submit and eat his broccoli, which could leave him feeling powerless, frustrated, perhaps resentful, or he may try a fight or flight response. In any of these situations, harm is done to the relationship. The parent has sent the message to her child that her own needs take precedence over his.

In the second example, one person has completely submitted and sacrificed their needs for another. This person has put his or her own needs on the back burner, which will likely be frustrating and again may lead to feelings of anger and resentment. 

P.E.T. offers us an alternative to compromising, called Method III. Instead of putting ourselves through the frustration of not having our needs met through compromise, or feeling like we have to battle our loved ones in a “my needs vs. your needs” battle, we can clearly state our needs and then discuss and reach a solution that meets everyone's needs. In essence, everyone gets what they want.

We will be discussing the six steps of Method III conflict resolution in more detail in an upcoming post. Until then, please feel free to leave comments about your experiences with compromise, how it made you feel, the effect it has had on your relationships, or anything else!

Cheers,

Stephanie

Is It Time to Rock the Boat? (reposted from GTI's main website)

By Linda Adams, President of GTI

"It's only for the weekend."
"I'll let well enough alone."
"I wouldn't want to cause an argument during Thanksgiving."
"It's not that big of a deal."

As the holiday season nears, do you find yourself resisting or even dreading being with certain relatives or friends because no true connection exists between you?  Will you be with them mostly out of a sense of duty or obligation?  Do you plan to make the best of it?  Get through it somehow and not rock the boat?    

Isn't it interesting, even intriguing, to consider the possibility of what these relationships could be if we were to reject this way of being and take the risk of having truly meaningful genuine dialogue with a parent, uncle, friend or adult child--any relationship where there's staleness, stiffness or indifference. 

While maintaining the status quo might seem innocuous, in reality it's anything but.  Every time we choose it, we collapse further.  It's insidious.  The more often we do it, the easier it is to continue.  Gradually it becomes a habit that we aren't even aware that we have.  We stop seeing that we have a choice.

In reality, we always have a choice.  If we want truly meaningful connections with people, we need to make an effort to bring that about and stop waiting for them to change or show interest in us first or whatever our expectation of them happens to be.  Each of us has the potential capability to improve our communication and as a result our relationships.  

As we are all aware, real and satisfying communication isn't easy and often our attempts at it fall flat in spite of our best efforts.  So we frequently settle for talking about and hearing about the traffic, the weather, the mundane details of our lives, etc. even though we might not have any real interest in discussing these topics and don't feel energized or excited when such conversations are over.  To truly connect with others who are important in our lives requires some skills--of clear, appropriate, non-blameful self-disclosure and of non-judgmental, empathic listening.        

1. First comes the awareness that you have some unsatisfying relationships with people who are important to you or significant in your life.  I think I can safely say that this would be true for each one of us.
2. Next comes the realization of the personal price that you pay for maintaining the status quo in these relationships.   Every time you miss an opportunity to make a meaningful connection or decide to let something go, you lose a bit of yourself, you miss a chance to grow.  Passing up these opportunities can cause us to feel indifferent, apathetic, as though we aren't fully living.  It also means that the relationship you have with the other person will not be strengthened or deepened, in fact, the opposite will happen--more distance will be created between you.   
3. You can decide to gently rock the boat, make a little wave--not a tsunami.  This means being willing to risk engaging in genuine dialogue with the other person--both honest, clear and non-blameful self-disclosure and empathic listening.   

• Make a conscious attempt to learn more about the other person by showing genuine interest in them and then Active Listen to show that you understand.  Do this with the intent of truly hearing their experience and not using it as a way segueing into a story of your own, i.e. "That reminds me of the time...".  Keep the ball in their court; let them have the floor; let them finish.     

• Ideally, the other person will reciprocate by actively showing an interest in you--your experience, ideas or opinions.  When that happens, it gives you an opportunity to share something important to you, to reveal something about yourself and contributes to the feeling of a real connection between you.  Unfortunately, the other person doesn't always show that interest, but that doesn't need to stop you.  When they don't, say something like: "I'd like to tell you about..." or "Here's something I've been thinking about...", etc.     

Empathic listening and congruent self-disclosure (I-Messages) are equally necessary skills because it's just as important to listen with understanding, empathy and acceptance of the other person as it is to let them know you at a deeper level.  If disclosing and listening are way out of balance, the interaction will be dissatisfying for at least one of you.  People have said to me:  "I like talking to you--you're such a good listener" and I value hearing that.  Still, if I have mostly listened and not disclosed meaningful things about myself that are heard and acknowledged, I come away feeling at least vaguely dissatisfied.  On the other hand, when another person and I engage in meaningful dialogue with each other, we both come away energized and enriched by the experience and eager for more.

Make a gentle wave and see what ripple effect it has.  It could make the difference between just surviving the holidays and having a meaningful experience. 

A Christmas Miracle!

About a month ago, an old friend of mine posted pictures of his snowshoeing trip online. There was something in these photos that caught my eye, and it wasn't the powdery white snow I'm so very homesick for...

It was my bright red ski coat that went missing about a year ago, around the same time this friend of mine moved in with his fiancee. The same red ski coat I asked him about before I moved, as I seemed to have remembered leaving it in his apartment. The same red ski coat that he said he didn't have; the red ski coat that his fiancee was happily modeling in all of his photos. MY red ski coat.

(I wouldn't ordinarily be so quick to jump to conclusions, except that this is the same "friend" who told me my bike had been stolen. I later discovered he had sold it...)

Anyway, if I would have found these photos before October, our interaction would have gone something like this:

me: I see your fiancee is wearing my coat...can I have it back?
him: That's not your coat!
me: Well it's identical to mine, and it's kind of a unique coat. And it's too big for her!
him: It's not your coat, it's hers! I can't believe you're accusing me of stealing your coat!
me: You did steal my coat! It's even missing the same zipper as mine! Send it back to me! NOW!
him: ...

Well, you get the idea.

However, in October, I attended a P.E.T. Instructor Training Workshop, and I picked up on a few things. I decided to put my newly learned P.E.T. skills to the test. Our interaction went like this instead:

me: I see that the coat in your pictures is identical to the one that I'm missing. Any chance that that's the one I lost?
Al: That's not your coat. I can't believe what you're implying, that's ridiculous.
me: You feel like I'm accusing you of something.
Al: Yes! You basically just told me I stole your coat. Like I'm a thief or something. That's not your coat!
me: So you didn't take my coat. But, look, I really miss my coat and I'm going to have to pay a lot of money for a new one this year if I can't find mine, and that's really stressing me out.
Al: Ok, look, I'll take another look around through the house and my storage unit, ok? Just don't accuse me of stealing your stuff.
me: Alright, I'm sorry I accused you of stealing. I would really appreciate your looking for it again. Thank you.
Al: No problem. I'll let you know if I find it.

Last week, my coat arrived at my front door in perfect condition, with a hand-written apology and a note about how he didn't realize that I had missed the coat at all.

This was a tricky situation, and I'm sure I could have handled it better. But as I have been learning through experience, I-messages tend to work in the trickiest of situations...even if you start things off on the wrong foot.

All hail Active Listening and I-messages!!! :)

Thanksgiving & P.E.T.

Hi everyone! Stephanie from GTI here.

The P.E.T. Blog's poll question for the past couple of weeks has been, "Do the holidays bring more or less conflict to your life?" Of the five answer choices, there was only one that that received zero votes: "What is conflict? We're all peace and harmony."

Most of us know by now that if we have human contact, we will encounter conflict. And we also know that is why we can be thankful that there is P.E.T.!

For the start of the holiday season, we would like to invite all of you to share your stories of conflict, and how you resolved (or didn't resolve) the conflict. Feel free to give as much or as little information about the story as you want.

This is a free-form, open-ended question!...here are some questions to consider if you like...Did you find any P.E.T. skills particularly helpful in the situation? If you could go back and do it all over again, would you handle it differently?

Been ROADBLOCKED lately?

If you have read P.E.T. or have attended a P.E.T. class, you are probably very familiar with these nasty obstacles that can stop effective communication in its tracks.

The roadblocks come in 12 different varieties: Ordering, Warning, Moralizing, Advising, Using logic, Criticizing, Praising, Labeling, Analyzing, Reassuring, Questioning, and Avoiding.

What is a time you were roadblocked, and how did it make you feel? Or, can you remember a time you roadblocked someone else, and how they reacted?

PET Refresher Opportunities in Calgary, Alberta

P.E.T. One Night Refresher Class offered by Professional Parenting Canada

Designed for people who have taken the P.E.T. course and wish to upgrade, refresh and apply their skills to new situations. All materials included. Cost is $69.00 including GST. All classes are located at Banbury Crossroads School, 201-2451 Dieppe Ave S.W.

March 4th, 2009 Wednesday PET Refresher 6:00 to 9:00 pm
Instructor Judy Arnall

April 22nd, 2009 Wednesday PET Refresher 6:00 to 9:00 pm
Instructor Judy Arnall

June 18th, 2009 Thurs PET Refresher 6:00 to 9:00 pm
Instructor Judy Arnall

Sept 16th, 2009 Wednesday PET Refresher 6:00 to 9:00 pm
Instructor Judy Arnall

Nov 5th, 2009 Thursday PET refresher 6:00 to 9:00 pm
Instructor Judy Arnall

For more information or to sign up, call 403-714-6766.

My P.E.T. Instructor Training Workshop Experience

Hello everyone! My name is Stephanie, and I am the new contact at Gordon Training International for P.E.T., Be Your Best, and T.E.T. (Teacher Effectiveness Training). I joined the GTI family in September, and the last two months have been an amazing, ongoing learning experience.

Towards the end of October, I had the opportunity to attend a five-day intensive P.E.T. Instructor Training Workshop. I left expecting to gain a more comprehensive understanding of what it might be like to teach P.E.T. and attend one of these workshops; I returned feeling not only that I had learned a tremendous amount, but that I had just experienced something life-changing.

(Our fantastic, fun workshop group! clockwise from bottom right: Sonal, Margaret, Rosie, Guy, Judi, our trainer Steve, and me)

The workshop was far more interactive than I thought any workshop for adults could be! Somewhere between all of the one-on-one attention our master trainer, Steve, offered each of us, the educational (and often hilarious) role-playing exercises, the feedback from my classmates, their student teaching sessions and my own, the days flew by, and I identified my strengths and my weaknesses. I found myself active listening successfully, and able to give myself feedback on how my I-Messages could have been better. I caught myself using roadblocks and then later, stopping myself before I used them; I knew when and how to shift gears.

role play!

As the week progressed, I saw the magic of P.E.T. come to life. I got to test my skills in a safe environment, and use them in real-life situations with my classmates and instructor. My classmates and I learned a lot from interacting with each other and had almost as many questions for each other as we did for the instructor.

at left: Judi's student teaching session, engaging the class in an exercise

Between the the fresh perspective our trainer offered on P.E.T. and being surrounded by 5 fellow enthusiastic P.E.T. instructor candidates, I left Tampa feeling inspired, self-aware, overjoyed, enthusiastic, happily exhausted, and confident in my understanding of all of the P.E.T. skills and in my ability to teach P.E.T. too.

It has been a little over three weeks since the workshop, and I'm still finding my feelings hard to put into words. This workshop was so much more than a workshop for me. I will forever be grateful for this experience. I use my P.E.T. skills every day and I can't imagine life without them now.

And while I intended to attend the workshop solely so that I would better be able to relate to those interested in attending a P.E.T. Instructor Training Workshop and answer their questions, I came away with a desire to share P.E.T. with others and a confidence in my ability to do so. (Part of this confidence comes from the P.E.T. wisdom that we are all human, and no one is perfect!) I would very much like to begin teaching P.E.T., and hope to do so in the spring.

Overall, my experience of a P.E.T. Instructor Training Workshop was extremely positive, emotionally engaging, and one-hundred percent motivating. I would love, love, love to go back!

Until then, I'll be here in sunny San Diego, practicing my P.E.T. skills and encouraging each of you who feels P.E.T. should be shared with the world to attend one of these amazing workshops, or to blog about your own P.E.T. experiences!

Cheers,
Stephanie :)

A word about P.E.T. from Dr. Thomas Gordon's daughter, Michelle

Being raised with P.E.T. was a blessing for which I am eternally grateful. What did P.E.T. do for me? Here are a few things:

1. Because I was listened to with respect and love, I learned that my ideas and feelings count, and I stand up for myself as a result.

2. Because I was confronted in a way that didn’t belittle or scare me, I was more open and willing to listen to them and I learned that my parents have needs, too, and that it was fair for me to listen to them as they listened to me.

3. Because I was included in decision-making, I learned that I have a voice—that my opinion matters. And I feel A LOT more motivated to carry out the solution when I helped create it.

4. Because I wasn’t spanked, and was confronted with I-Messages (and sometimes they were heated, intense I-Messages) instead, I learned that you can solve problems without force, fear, or physical punishment.

5. Because they didn’t simply tell me what to do, and instead talked openly with me about any problems they had with my behavior, I learned how to be self-directed—to police myself, if you will. This has helped me throughout my entire life, because I don’t wait to be rescued by others when I need help—instead, I look inside. And I know I can succeed because my P.E.T. parents supported me, encouraged me, and trusted me to find the best solution to life’s problems. And the love, respect, and trust that P.E.T. has created for me with my family and friends—it’s amazing. It’s hard work, and it takes time and patience, and there are times when I have frustrating exchanges with friends and family. At those times when I “lose” my skills in the heat of the moment, I know we’ll be okay…we can go back and clean it up. I can’t imagine my life without these skills. I wish every kid (and parent) on the planet could have P.E.T. in their lives.

The Power of the Language of Acceptance

By Thomas Gordon, Ph.D. (author of P.E.T., founder of Gordon Training International)

When people are able to feel and communicate genuine acceptance of another, they possess a capacity for being an effective helping agent for the other. Acceptance of the other, as s/he is, fosters a relationship in which the other person can grow, develop, make constructive changes, learn to solve problems, move in the direction of psychological health, become more productive and creative. It is one of those simple but beautiful paradoxes of life: When a person feels truly accepted by another, then that person is freed to move from there and to begin to think about how to change, how to grow, how to become different, how to become more of what s/he is capable of being.

Acceptance is like the fertile soil that permits a tiny seed to develop into the lovely flower it is capable of becoming. The soil only enables the seed to become the flower. It releases the capacity of the seed to grow, but the capacity is entirely within the seed. As with the seed, a child contains the capacity to develop. Acceptance is like the soil--it merely enables the child to actualize his/her potential.

Why is parental acceptance such a significant positive influence on children? This is not generally understood by parents. Most people have been brought up to believe that if you accept children they will remain just the way they are; and the best way to help children become something better in the future is to tell them what you don't accept about them now.

Therefore, most parents rely heavily on the language of unacceptance in rearing children, believing this is the best way to help them. The soil that most parents provide for their children's growth is heavy with evaluation, judgment, criticism, preaching, moralizing, admonishing, commanding and punishing--messages that convey unacceptance of their children.

The language of acceptance opens kids up. It frees them to share their feelings and problems. Professional therapists and counselors have shown just how powerful such acceptance can be. Those therapists and counselors who are most effective are the ones who can convey to the people who come to them for help that they are truly accepted. This is why one often hears people say that in counseling or therapy they felt totally free of the counselor's judgment. They report that they experienced a freedom to share the worst about themselves because they felt their counselor would accept them no matter what they said or felt. Such acceptance is one of the most important elements contributing to the growth and change that takes place in people through counseling and therapy.

Of all the effects of acceptance none is as important as the feeling of being loved. For to accept others as they are is truly an act of love; to feel accepted is to feel loved. And in psychology, we have only begun to realize the tremendous power of feeling loved: It can promote the growth of mind and body, and is probably the most effective therapeutic force we know for repairing both psychological and physical damage. Your use of Active Listening and the other helping skills can communicate your acceptance and understanding of the significant people in your life

Should I Be a Strict or Lenient Parent?

To be strict or not to be strict, that is the question - in fact, it's the number-one question among child-rearing and education authorities, among teachers and, of course, parents. It's doubtful that there is a parent who hasn't at one time or another agonized over this.

There is a widespread uncertainty on how to be at home (or how to come across in the classroom) - tough or soft, to be a strict disciplinarian or a permissivist. Have you noticed, however, that you seldom hear a parent or teacher admit "I am authoritarian" or "I am permissive"? These are terms reserved for those with whom you disagree.

The question, whether to be strict or lenient, never ceases to be debated in books and articles, or at conferences and conventions. Dr. Gordon points out that this question is what social scientists call a "pseudo problem" and how it also is a clear case of "either-or thinking". Let's take a look at what he means by that.

Seldom parents or teachers seem to recognize that it is not necessary to make a choice between these two leadership styles. Few adults know it, but there is an alternative to being at either end of the strictness-leniency scale. There is the choice of a third style.

This alternative is being neither authoritarian nor permissive, neither strict nor lenient. Does that mean being somewhere near the middle of the scale--moderately strict or moderately lenient? Not at all. The alternative is not being on the scale at all! How so?

Authoritarian leadership--whether at home or in the classroom--means that the control is in the hands of the adult leader. It has been researched and proven for decades how ineffective maintaining control through power is. Authoritarianism often creates fearful and subservient children and/or rebellion.

Still, no parent or teacher really wants to suffer the chaotic consequences of unrestricted freedom and lawless permissiveness either. It's also true that most children are uncomfortable with the consequences of permissiveness. Permissive leadership means that control has been "permitted" to be in the hands of the youngsters. Children of permissive parents usually feel guilty about always getting their way. They also feel insecure about being loved, because their inconsiderate behaviors make them feel unlovable.

So what is that third viable alternative to both, authoritarian and permissive adult leadership? It's what Dr. Gordon in detail describes in his model of parenting, a set of skills and methods known as Parent Effectiveness Training that are geared toward rearing self-disciplined children in a harmonious family climate.

For now, let's just emphasize that this new approach to relating to youngsters requires a transformation in the way adults perceive children, as well as a shift in the way they treat them. This transformation can be accomplished by learning a few new skills and methods that are applied in everyday life.

This blog will describe and examine each of these skills and methods in its future editions and hopefully contribute to you having a more harmonious and peaceful home.

Children Don't Misbehave

By Thomas Gordon, Ph.D. (author of P.E.T., founder of Gordon Training International)

If parents only knew how much trouble this word "misbehavior" causes in families! Thinking in terms of children misbehaving not only spells trouble for the kids, obviously, but it brings on unnecessary problems for their parents.

Why is this so? What is wrong with thinking and saying that your child misbehaved? Every parent does. Yes, and their parents before them did. In fact, the origin of the concept of child misbehavior goes back so far in history it is doubtful if anyone actually knows when it started or why. It's so common nobody thinks to question it.

Strangely enough, the term misbehavior is almost exclusively applied to children--seldom to adults, friends, spouses. Have you ever overheard someone say, "My husband misbehaved yesterday," "I took my friend to lunch and got so angry at her misbehavior," "My team members have been misbehaving," or "Our guests misbehaved at our party last night"? Apparently, then, only children are seen as misbehaving--no one else misbehaves.

Misbehavior then is "parent language", tied up somehow with the way parents traditionally have viewed their offspring. Parents say children misbehave whenever their actions (or their behaviors) are contrary to how parents think their children ought to act or behave. More accurately, misbehavior is behavior that produces some sort of bad consequences for the parent.

Misbehaving = Child is doing something that is bad for the parent

On the other hand, when a child engages in behavior that does not bring bad consequences for the parent, that child is described as "behaving."

"Jack was well-behaved at the store"; "We try to teach our children to behave"; "Behave yourself!"

Now we have:

Behaving = Child is doing something that is acceptable to the parent.

All Behaviors are Solutions to Human Needs

Family life would be infinitely less exasperating for parents and more enjoyable for children as well if parents accepted these basic principles about children:

Principle 1:
Like adults, children have basic needs that are important to them, and they continually strive to meet their needs by doing something.

Principle 2:
Children don't misbehave. Their behaviors are simply actions they have chosen to meet these important needs.

These principles suggest that all children's actions are behaviors. Viewed in this way, all day long a child is behaving, and for the very same reason all other creatures engage in behaviors--they are trying to get their needs met.

This does not mean, however, that parents will like all the behaviors their children engage in. Nor should they be expected to, for the children are bound to do things that sometimes produce unacceptable consequences for their parents. Kids can be loud and destructive, delay you when you're in a hurry, pester you when you need quiet, cause you extra work, clutter up the home, interrupt your conversation, and break your valuables.

Think about such behaviors this way: they are behaviors children are engaging in to meet their needs. If at the same time they happen to interfere with your pursuit of pleasure, that doesn't mean children are misbehaving. Rather, their particular way of behaving is unacceptable to you. Don't interpret that children are trying to do something to you--they are only trying to do something for themselves. And this does not make them bad children or misbehaving children. But it may cause you a problem.

An infant cries because she is hungry or cold, or in pain. Something is wrong; her organism needs something. Crying behavior is the baby's way of saying, "Help." Such behavior, in fact, should be viewed as quite appropriate ("good"), for the crying is apt to bring the child the help that is needed. When you view the child as a creature that is doing something appropriate to get its needs met, you can't really call it misbehaving.

If parents would strike the word "misbehaving" from their vocabulary, they would rarely feel judgmental and angry. Consequently, then they would not feel like retaliating with punishment. However, all parents do need to learn some effective methods of modifying behaviors that interfere with their needs and causes them a problem, but labeling the child as misbehaving is not one of them.