A Survey: What Makes For Good and Bad Relationships?

What Makes For Good and Bad Relationships?

A few years ago Rob Koegel, a professor at the State University of New York at Farmingdale, asked students to respond to a questionnaire about their best and worst relationships. Some of the questions were about relationships between the students and people of more or less equal status such as friends, partners, siblings and the like. Others were about themselves and people with greater status like bosses, teachers, professors, parents, etc. The students were asked to describe what these relationships were like and the results were illuminating. They named respect, caring, trust, honesty, support and good communication as characteristics of their best relationships and went on to say these relationships cultivated empathy, compassion, understanding and respect for differences. They said when others exhibited these characteristics relationships with them were good regardless of status differences

Dr. Koegel said students told him their best relationships were fulfilling and uplifting, made them happier, stronger and more complete. He summed up; “Our best relationships make us feel appreciated, valued and worthy. They also make us feel more connected to and trusting of others. Unlike most other relationships, this reciprocal connection nourishes, supports and empowers both parties”.

On the other hand, relationships students labeled “worst” were described as manipulative, dominating, unjust, and unequal. They said the manipulative; dominating people viewed differences in an either/or fashion, good or bad, right or wrong, better or worse with their positions put forth as the correct ones. The self-righteous attitude of the dominators resulted in the survey respondents tending to feel incompetent and inadequate. Those who used their status to win, to get what they wanted at others’ expense, generated feelings of insecurity and shame in the losers who became distrusting of themselves and others. The students used terms like “one-sided”, “taken advantage of”, “dominated” to describe how they felt about these damaging relationships.

Respondents agreed that these unequal relationships are always unfair. They characterized their dynamics as win-lose and said dominators win by using their personal and institutional power as parents, teachers, bosses and the like to coerce and abuse. Those on the losing end are forced to accept one-sided relationships like these because they have less status, are overpowered, dependent and needy.

Koegel’s survey pointed out what I think everyone knows from experience: the most critical barriers to a healthy, happy relationships are power differentials between partners or groups. If one person (or group) can force another to do something she, he or the group doesn’t want to do the relationship is in trouble. Its unfair relationships like those that Dr. Koegel’s subjects labeled as win-lose and agreed that losing left them feeling powerless, taken advantage of and dominated.*

*Excerpt from Dr. Thomas Gordon writings

Is It Time to Rock the Boat? (reposted from GTI's main website)

By Linda Adams, President of GTI

"It's only for the weekend."
"I'll let well enough alone."
"I wouldn't want to cause an argument during Thanksgiving."
"It's not that big of a deal."

As the holiday season nears, do you find yourself resisting or even dreading being with certain relatives or friends because no true connection exists between you?  Will you be with them mostly out of a sense of duty or obligation?  Do you plan to make the best of it?  Get through it somehow and not rock the boat?    

Isn't it interesting, even intriguing, to consider the possibility of what these relationships could be if we were to reject this way of being and take the risk of having truly meaningful genuine dialogue with a parent, uncle, friend or adult child--any relationship where there's staleness, stiffness or indifference. 

While maintaining the status quo might seem innocuous, in reality it's anything but.  Every time we choose it, we collapse further.  It's insidious.  The more often we do it, the easier it is to continue.  Gradually it becomes a habit that we aren't even aware that we have.  We stop seeing that we have a choice.

In reality, we always have a choice.  If we want truly meaningful connections with people, we need to make an effort to bring that about and stop waiting for them to change or show interest in us first or whatever our expectation of them happens to be.  Each of us has the potential capability to improve our communication and as a result our relationships.  

As we are all aware, real and satisfying communication isn't easy and often our attempts at it fall flat in spite of our best efforts.  So we frequently settle for talking about and hearing about the traffic, the weather, the mundane details of our lives, etc. even though we might not have any real interest in discussing these topics and don't feel energized or excited when such conversations are over.  To truly connect with others who are important in our lives requires some skills--of clear, appropriate, non-blameful self-disclosure and of non-judgmental, empathic listening.        

1. First comes the awareness that you have some unsatisfying relationships with people who are important to you or significant in your life.  I think I can safely say that this would be true for each one of us.
2. Next comes the realization of the personal price that you pay for maintaining the status quo in these relationships.   Every time you miss an opportunity to make a meaningful connection or decide to let something go, you lose a bit of yourself, you miss a chance to grow.  Passing up these opportunities can cause us to feel indifferent, apathetic, as though we aren't fully living.  It also means that the relationship you have with the other person will not be strengthened or deepened, in fact, the opposite will happen--more distance will be created between you.   
3. You can decide to gently rock the boat, make a little wave--not a tsunami.  This means being willing to risk engaging in genuine dialogue with the other person--both honest, clear and non-blameful self-disclosure and empathic listening.   

• Make a conscious attempt to learn more about the other person by showing genuine interest in them and then Active Listen to show that you understand.  Do this with the intent of truly hearing their experience and not using it as a way segueing into a story of your own, i.e. "That reminds me of the time...".  Keep the ball in their court; let them have the floor; let them finish.     

• Ideally, the other person will reciprocate by actively showing an interest in you--your experience, ideas or opinions.  When that happens, it gives you an opportunity to share something important to you, to reveal something about yourself and contributes to the feeling of a real connection between you.  Unfortunately, the other person doesn't always show that interest, but that doesn't need to stop you.  When they don't, say something like: "I'd like to tell you about..." or "Here's something I've been thinking about...", etc.     

Empathic listening and congruent self-disclosure (I-Messages) are equally necessary skills because it's just as important to listen with understanding, empathy and acceptance of the other person as it is to let them know you at a deeper level.  If disclosing and listening are way out of balance, the interaction will be dissatisfying for at least one of you.  People have said to me:  "I like talking to you--you're such a good listener" and I value hearing that.  Still, if I have mostly listened and not disclosed meaningful things about myself that are heard and acknowledged, I come away feeling at least vaguely dissatisfied.  On the other hand, when another person and I engage in meaningful dialogue with each other, we both come away energized and enriched by the experience and eager for more.

Make a gentle wave and see what ripple effect it has.  It could make the difference between just surviving the holidays and having a meaningful experience.