Active Listening Guidelines

Active Listening is a powerful tool for helping children express and work through problems and upsets. Active Listening when misused, however, can actually add to a child's problem and undermine the helping relationship. The following guidelines will insure that your use of Active Listening is appropriate and helpful.

When To Use Active Listening

Active Listening requires certain conditions and attitudes to be present before it is an appropriate response to your child's troubled communication. You should Active Listen only when:

• You get verbal or non-verbal cues that your child may have a problem or an unmet need.
• You genuinely want to help and the time and place are convenient.
• You feel accepting of your child; your child's behavior does not cause you a problem.
• You feel separate enough from your child's problem that his solution to the problem, whatever it is, will be acceptable to you.
• You are able to attend closely to your child. None of your concerns are so pressing that they will interfere with your concentration on your child's communication.

When NOT To Use Active Listening

There are clearly times when Active Listening should not be used without risking the creation of more problems. These times include when:

• You get no cues and clues that the child is experiencing a problem. (Don't create them!)
• You don't want to help in this case. You don't care, you're rushed, you're busy.
• Your child's behavior is unacceptable to you. You are irritated or hurt by it.
• You are invested in having your child reach the "right" solution to her problem. (Your Active Listening will then tend to be contaminated by hints in the "right" direction.)
• Your own problems are too upsetting and immediate to allow you to be intently focused on your child's concerns.
• Your child simply needs information which you have and he doesn't.
• Your child states the problem or feelings so clearly and specifically that an attempt to feedback would feel redundant and patronizing. (Silence or acknowledgment is better in such cases.)

It is helpful to use a variety of expressions when you Active Listen. Repetition of one phrase such as "Sounds like..." or "You feel..." rapidly becomes irritating to your child and comes across as a technique rather than a genuine, natural and empathic response.

Practice using different words as you are Active Listening. One way to develop your Active Listening is to think about starting with only one part. This can be either listening to "Facts," thoughts, ideas, information, or listening only to "Feelings."

ACTIVE LISTENING TO FACTS (especially good in the No Problem Area)

• The fact is...
• You think...
• The idea you have is...
• What you are saying is...
• Your view is...
• You believe...

ACTIVE LISTENING TO FEELINGS 

• You feel...
• It's really...
• So you feel...
• Looks like...
• Sounds like you are...
• Seems like your feeling is...

Relax, make your Active Listening as natural as possible. Using analogies that are age and interest appropriate are also good ways to develop a more natural variety of Active Listening responses.

Lead-ins include:

ACTIVE LISTENING TO FACTS AND FEELINGS

• You feel...about...
• It's...when...
• You can't...and that's...
• You're really...because...
• The way you see it is...and that's...
• When...you're really...
• You are...that...

In its complete form Active Listening includes both the "Facts" (content) and the Feelings.

• It's like being hit by a truck.
• You feel your teacher really nailed you to the wall
• You got hung out to dry
• She really shot you down (military or video gaming)
• So it's like you really struck out (sports)

As your Active Listening develops, you can refine it to include listening to multiple feelings and to conflicting thoughts and feelings your children and others have.

ACTIVE LISTENING TO MULTIPLE FEELINGS

When your child has conflicting thoughts or feelings, you can begin by Active Listening to just the dilemma, or if the two parts are equally strong, you can include both of them in your Active Listening.

• "You feel stuck."
• "You feel torn."
• "It's hard to decide."

OR

• You want to stay home and play and you want to go to the store with Mommy.
• You'd like to buy that new video game today and you also want to save your money for a new bike.
• You're excited about the idea of trying out for basketball, at the same time you're worried you might not make the team.
• You feel stuck because you want to keep hanging out with your friends but they've all started smoking and you don't like to be around all their smoke.
• You feel excited about getting asked to the dance and yet you're not sure you want to go with Mike.
• It's hard to decide; you like all the resources a big university has to offer, however, the idea of life at a small college really appeals to you.

You don't need to be perfect! It's reassuring to know that, when you are listening with genuine empathy, your attention is on the child and your intention is to help her identify feelings and solve her own problem it can still "work." Imperfect Active Listening, unlike Roadblocks, will usually be accepted by the other and she will continue to talk about her feelings and explore solutions to problems and decisions.

Clear Sending in the No-Problem Area

Letting Them Know The Real You

In this course, self-disclosing messages are referred to as I-Messages. An I-Message is a communication about the self—the “I”.

An I-Message is authentic, honest, and congruent—reflecting the actual nature and strength of your thoughts and feelings. It is a clear message, understandable, and to the point, not masked in indirect or vague language.

Declarative I-Messages Are The Basic Form of Self-Disclosure

They are the declaration to others of your beliefs, ideas, likes, dislikes, feelings, thoughts, reactions—or any other statement that helps others know you better and understand how you are experiencing your life.

Some Examples of Declarative I-Messages:

“I believe the homework that your teacher’s given you is really important.”

“I think that we should have a military draft.”

“I feel discouraged about how much things cost these days.”

“I know you disagree strongly, yet I got real value from the first parent-faculty meeting, and I think we should give it a real chance.”

Preventive I-Messages Stop Trouble Before It Starts

Another important type of self-disclosure is one that lets your children and others know of some future need that you want to meet; it anticipates what you want to do or see happen. Such a message, because it clearly describes how you want events to turn out, greatly increases the chances that others will adjust their actions so as not to block what you need. Such a message may prevent a conflict. Such Preventive I-Messages are especially appropriate in the home. An example, familiar to every parent, is the announcement of the time dinner will be ready so that the children can finish what they’re doing and, ideally, help out in the kitchen!

Some examples of Preventive I-Messages:

“I need some uninterrupted time tonight so I can get the bills paid.”

“I’d like to hear of your weekend plans this evening so we can work out transportation ahead of time.”

“I’d love to come to dinner. Please remember, I don’t eat meat.”

"I’d like to set a limit on our holiday spending this year.”

Positive I-Messages Enhance and Strengthen Relationships

One of the most enriching forms of self-disclosure is the Positive I-Message. These are messages that exclusively describe parents’ positive feelings toward their children. Although kids do plenty of things that are a problem for parents, they also say and do many things that are a pleasure, often helping a parent in unexpected ways or displaying kindness, maturity, considerateness, or good humor just when it’s needed the most. When these behaviors occur, it is appropriate and important for parents to disclose any genuine positive feelings they have about them.

Unfortunately, many parents are only self-disclosing when they are upset with their child’s behavior. This is clearly appropriate self-disclosure, but the important point is that parents should disclose both their feelings of unacceptance and acceptance. Positive I-Messages that express appreciation, love, enjoyment, and affection toward children (spouse, friends, and others) can contribute greatly to warmer, closer, and more enjoyable relationships. Very young children, with their budding self-esteem and desire to be a “helper,” seem especially to thrive on Positive I-Messages.

Consider the value for you, your children, or others in the following examples of Positive I-Messages:

“I appreciate how quiet you were when I was paying the bills. I did it a lot faster, thanks to you!”

“I really like the story you wrote, James.”

"I was so proud when I heard you telling those kids you wouldn’t lie to cover them!”

“Honey, I really love you.”

It is important that Positive I-Message not be used to manipulate or “shape” a child’s behavior. Such ulterior motives invariably come through to the child and make your sincerity suspect. The Positive I-Message should be a “no-strings attached” expression of acceptance and acknowledgement.

Even though changing your child should not be the motive, parents who express a lot of positive feelings toward their children are often automatically rewarded with less unacceptable behavior, more trust, mutual respect and cooperation, more affection and caring. Like honesty, warmth and affection are highly contagious in families!

Self-Disclosure Benefits to You and Your Relationship

Self-discloure is communication which describes you, your inner experiences, literally--your self. Self-disclosing messages are about your beliefs and ideas, your likes and dislikes, your feelings, thoughts, and reactions. Self-disclosing messages let your children and others know how you feel and where you stand.

Although there are some risks in being self-disclosing, the potential benefits are overwhelming--both for yourself and for your relationships with others, especially your children. These benefits include:

Knowing Yourself Better

When you disclose yourself to your children and others, you are, at the same time, talking to yourself, keeping in touch with your own thoughts and feelings, values, and beliefs. You maintain awareness, responsibility, and control of your inner experiences.

Liking Yourself Better

You feel better about yourself as a parent, and as a person, when you are open, honest, and clear with your children; when you express who you are and what you think and believe, you feel strong, responsible, confident.

Being Better Understood By Others

Your self-disclosure leads to a more accurate understanding by others of who you really are. Your children will know the important thoughts, feelings, and values you want them to know. They won't be confused, in the dark, and worried about where you stand on certain issues. Tension and uncertainty will be replaced by a new, secure awareness of who you reall are.

Encouraging Self-Disclosure In Your Child

Your openness, directness, and sincerity will invariably encourage the same from your children and from others around you. Honesty is very contagious in families when it is modeled by the parent, along with the attitude that the home is a "safe place" for everyone to express true thoughts and feelings. Generally, this kind of self-disclosure draws families closer together. Indifference, alienation, and tension recede. Trust and mutual caring take their place.

Conflicts Are Prevented

The other members of your family can better meet your needs when they have a clear picture of what you want. The chances of having conflicts with your children resulting from unknown or uncommunicated needs are thus greatly reduced. Expressing yourself openly and clearly will eliminate unwanted surprise, unpreparedness, and the unexpected from your relationships. In a family where openness and genuineness prevail, tension, resentment, and silent suffering simply have no opportunity to grow.

For more on how to use effective self-disclosure, email info@gordontraining.com, or check out the P.E.T. book.

Running Into Resistance to I-Messages?

So you have decided to confront your child about a problem you have. You deliver a perfect, three-part Confrontive I-Message, but your child replies, "So what? Who cares?" Or maybe they deliver an I-Message of their own.

What do you do next?

Confrontive I-Messages do not always solve your problem immediately. When we deliver an I-Message, the person we are confronting may react to our message defensively.

"So what," "who cares" and other responses like these are coded messages.

"Who cares!" does not really mean that the child does not care; it is a coded message for other feelings that the child is experiencing, such as being hassled, picked on, or embarrassed.

All spoken words and the accompanying behaviors are purposeful; they are a way for a child or another person to try and express something else. This is where you have the opportunity to shift gears to Active Listening.

By shifting from your Confrontive I-Message to Active listening, you can help the child identify and express her real feelings and, in so doing, help her to become unflooded so she is ready to hear your I-Message.

Take a look at this excerpt from P.E.T. for a better understanding of what happens when a child responds with resistance to an I-Message:

"Children...frequently respond to an I-Message by sending back an I-Message of their own. Rather than immediately modify their behavior, they want you to hear what their feelings are, as in this incident:

MOTHER: I hate to see the clean living room all dirtied up as soon as you come home from school. I feel very discouraged about that after I’ve worked hard to clean it up.

SON: I think you’re too picky about keeping the house clean.

At this point, parents untrained in P.E.T. often get defensive and irritated, rebutting with, 'Oh no I’m not,' or 'That’s none of your business,' or 'I don’t care what you think about my standards.' To handle such situations effectively, parents must be reminded of our first basic principle—when the child has a feeling or a problem, use Active Listening. We call this 'Shifting Gears'—temporarily changing from a confronting posture to a listening posture. In the preceding incident, Mom’s I-Message gave the child a problem (as these messages usually do). So now is the time to show understanding and acceptance, since your I-Message has caused him a problem:

MOTHER: You feel my standards are too high and that I’m fussy.

SON: Yeah.

MOTHER: Well, that may be true. I’ll think about that. But until I change, I sure feel darned discouraged about seeing all my work go down the drain. I’m very upset right now about this room.

Often, after the child can tell that his parent has understood his feeling, he will modify his behavior. Usually, all the child wants is understanding of hisfeelings—then he feels like doing something constructive about your feelings."

So don’t feel discouraged when your I-Message is not instantly received as you wish it would be. Step back and listen to your child and let her know that her feelings are appreciated as well.

We hope this was helpful to you! We would be interested in hearing your feedback, suggestions, insights and so forth.

Thank you! :)

Family Connection: Uncovering Hidden Needs

In everyday life, if you interact with other humans, you are well aware that conflicts arise. The reason we find ourselves in conflict is typically due to one or more of our needs not being met.

Over the last couple of months, the Family Connection has discussed  the problems that power, permissiveness, and compromise create in our relationships. We have seen that all three of these approaches to resolving conflict can cause hurt feelings, anger, resentment, mistrust, sadness, and frustration. 

We also closely examined Dr. Gordon’s No-Lose Conflict Resolution, Method III, the problem-solving alternative to Method I (Authoritarian), Method II (Permissive) and Compromise. Instead of creating feelings of resentment, frustration, anger, or sadness, Method III creates a safe environment in which all parties involved in a conflict work together to meet everyone’s needs, in turn, resolving the conflict.

Recall the six steps of Method III:

1. Define Needs

2. Brainstorm Solutions

3. Evaluate Solutions

4. Choose Solution

5. Implement Solution

6. Check Results

Most of the time, Method I, Method II and Compromise begin immediately with the parent and child (or other) trying to impose, sell or trade solutions. Step 1—Defining Needs—sets Method III apart from Method I, Method II and Compromise. 

While Defining Needs is an essential ingredient of Method III, it is also the most difficult of the Six Steps. Identifying real needs is often challenging.

Frequently, we unconsciously offer our preconceived solutions that will meet our need rather than expressing the need itself.

If the underlying needs of the parent and of the child are not clearly understood and expressed, all subsequent steps of Method III will be misdirected and the conflict will not be resolved.

Separating needs from solutions can be very difficult. Even when people use the word “need,” what they are saying is often a solution. Also, keep an eye out for “wants,” as most “wants” are solutions.

For example, your child might say: “I need my own room.”  This is actually a solution, not a need. What will having his/her own room do for the child? It would provide privacy or a feeling of having his/her own space or quiet, etc. These are the needs; a room of his/her own is a solution.

Active Listening is an essential skill to use when determining what is a need vs. what is a solution. From the example given above, if your child says “I need my own room,” a little bit of Active Listening can go a long way towards uncovering what his/her real needs are. Maybe you can say, “You would really like your own space--can you say more about that?” and in turn your child reveals that s/he feels like it’s noisy all the time and s/he can’t concentrate. You have now defined your child's need for more quiet, and you can both start on Step 2 and brainstorm for possible solutions to help meet his/her need for quiet time. 

Your child (or other) may not know right away why s/he feels s/he needs his own room (this of course applies to any solution that is being presented as a need). While Active Listening is the major skill to use in separating needs from solutions, the question, "What will that do for me? (or you?)" can also be an extremely helpful one. For example, if you say “I need a new car,” is that a need or a solution? Ask the question, “What will that do for me?” Possible answers might be: 

• “I’ll get to work safely.” 

• “I’ll feel good about my image/myself.”

• “I’ll save money since my old car uses a lot of gas and requires lots of repairs.” 

These answers are the needs; a new car is the solution.

When you use this clarifying question, “What will that do for you?” avoid overdoing it or using a probing or pushy tone of voice. This question is intended as a gentle way of helping others to find the need behind a solution. Active Listening is still the skill of choice when it is difficult to identify a child’s/other’s needs.

When you express your own needs use I-Language. In essence, this means you need to Active Listen to yourself first to be sure you have identified your need and not just your solution. Asking yourself the same clarifying question, “What will that do for me?” can also be helpful.

The key to clearly understanding needs is:

For a parent - expressing needs in congruent I-Messages. This involves the parent in Active Listening to herself/himself to understand what is really wanted or needed as opposed to the question of how to get it—then expressing these needs in I-Messages. 

For a child- the parent needs to Active Listen to the child, especially if the child’s messages seem unclear or coded (masking some deeper need). 

Active Listening will aid the child to express her/his needs in I-Messages as well.

For more information on defining needs, see the P.E.T. Blog’s post “Defining Needs with Maslow’s Hierarchy.”

Defining Needs with Maslow's Hierarchy

While Defining Needs is an essential ingredient of Method III, it is also often the most difficult of the Six Steps. Identifying real needs can prove to be very tricky.

An important theory about the nature of human needs was developed by the famous psychologist, Abraham Maslow.

He researched very “healthy” and productive people, people like Eleanor Roosevelt, Lincoln, Ruth Benedict, Albert Schweitzer and others. He found that these individuals had many common characteristics.

Among these were a zest for life, creative energy, a sense of humor, and higher and more frequent “peak” experiences. He called the possession of these characteristics Self-Actualization, the full and complete use of one’s potential.

Maslow essentially discovered that all people have five levels of needs. Self-Actualized people are those who get them met.

Maslow found that people are limited in their personal growth and development when deprived of needs-satisfaction at any level.

This is a good model for helping to provide a definition of what a need is since in everyday language, what are called “needs” are often really solutions.

Maslow’s Hierarchy is also a good tool for identifying personal needs and values, and for helping to set priorities to satisfy unmet needs.

Here is a simple story to illustrate how the hierarchy works:

Hungry (Level I) caveman disregards safety (Level II) and hunts dangerous game to get food. When hunger is satisfied, he takes care of security (Level II) by stashing the rest of the carcass in the back of his cave. What does he do then? He invites friends over for dinner and get-together for socializing (Level III). He throws the best outdoor barbecue his part of the forest has ever seen; quite an accomplishment (Level IV). Following this success, caveman becomes a gourmet cook and writes a cookbook which is promptly bought by every cave family in the forest. Caveman has reached his full potential. Having risen to a state of self-actualization (Level V), he becomes known as the wild Julia Child!

Let’s take a more in-depth look at why we need to satisfy each level of Maslow’s hierarchy in order to move up the ladder to reach Level V.

1. Level I Needs. Physical Survival: The “lowest” or most basic of the needs in the Maslow hierarchy has to do with our biological survival, those things that we cannot do without: food, air, water, etc.

Maslow found that people deprived of their Level I needs had a strong drive to meet these needs, often at the sacrifice of everything else.

2. Level II Needs. Security: If these biological needs are temporarily met, another set of needs emerges into consciousness: feeling safe, free of fear. 

We all have a need to feel safe in the world. Physically, we need to feel free from fear of illness, injury and premature death.

Equally, we all need to feel safe psychologically, free from the threat of ridicule and embarrassment.

3. Level III Needs. Social, Relationships: Level III needs result from the fact that we are all social creatures. We need relationships with others. Some of these relationship needs include:

• Familial or belonging
  
• Acceptance and understanding
  
• Loving and affection
  
• Intimacy
  

4. Level IV Needs. Success/Achievement, Esteem: Once our social and relationship needs are met, another set of needs emerges into consciousness-needs you and I and all of us have-the needs for productivity, achievement and accomplishment.

These can also be called esteem needs, in that the only continuous source of our feelings of self-worth, respect and esteem is our own satisfactory achievements.

5. Level V Needs: Self-Actualization: Maslow found that individuals who were getting their needs met at Levels I through IV experienced a drive to become what he called Self-Actualized.

Some of the characteristics of self-actualization are heightened awareness of living, completeness, wholeness, joyfulness, transcendent, unforgettable moments or periods of joy, unity and understanding.

Maslow discovered that self-actualizing people were continually meeting their basic needs for survival and security. They had satisfying, loving, long-lasting friendships. They had intimate and loving relationships with a few special people. They had a life’s work that was very important and gratifying to them.

It’s easier to meet our needs if we have a framework in which to recognize and organize them.

Our society tends to judge people at Level IV (Success, Achievement) without considering possible effects of deprivation at Levels I, II and III. When we consider how deprivation at these levels may be affecting others, it combats our view of people as essentially lazy, needing to be prodded to be productive, etc.

It’s easier to understand and accept shortcomings of ourselves and of others if they are seen as results of “needfulness” rather than “badness” or “laziness.”

The only way for the self or others to become self-actualized is to avoid developing a serious crippling of needs in the lower levels. 

Most segments of our society are okay on Levels I and II. Most serious deficits now occur at Level III (social needs) through inadequately satisfying relationships. The philosophy and methods of the P.E.T. course have their greatest impact here through systematically upgrading participants’ interactive skills to much higher levels than general culture, thus producing superior relationships. P.E.T. helps both parties in a relationship move upward in Maslow’s Hierarchy.

The 12 Communication Roadblocks

Throughout our lives, we have learned a variety of ways to help children as well as adults when they have strong feelings, thoughts or problems. We want to be helpful, yet many of our responses actually make it more difficult for the person to express himself, make a decision, or solve a problem.

Listed here are twelve of the more frequent "helping responses" which can become "Roadblocks" to communication. When you read this list, you may feel like the rug has been pulled out from under you because so many of your regular ways of talking responses are now called roadblocks.

1. Ordering, Directing: "Stop feeling sorry for yourself..."
2. Warning, Threatening: "You'll never make friends if..." "You'd better stop worrying so much or..."
3. Moralizing, Preaching: "Life is not a bowl of cherries..." "You shouldn't feel that way..." "Patience is a virtue you should learn..."
4. Advising, Giving Solutions: "What I would do is...", "Why don't you..." "Let me suggest..."
5. Persuading with Logic, Arguing: "Here is why you are wrong..." "The facts are..." "Yes, but..."
6. Judging, Criticizing, Blaming: "You are not thinking maturely..." "You are just lazy..." "Maybe you started the fight first..."
7. Praising, Agreeing: "Well, I think you're doing a great job!" "You're right!--that teacher sounds awful."
8. Name-calling, Ridiculing: "Crybaby--", "That's stupid to worry about one low test grade."
9. Analyzing, Diagnosing: "What's wrong with you is..." "You're just tired." "What you really mean is..."
10. Reassuring, Sympathizing: "Don't worry." "You'll feel better." "Oh, cheer up!"
11. Questioning, Probing: "Why..." "Who...?" "What did you...?" "How...?"
12. Diverting, Sarcasm, Withdrawal: "Let's talk about pleasant things..." "Why don't you try running the world!?" Remaining silent, turning away

Two things to know about "Roadblocks":

1. These are roadblocks when the child/other is experiencing a problem or strong feelings (Other Owns a Problem). When the relationship is in the "No Problem Area" many of these are not roadblocks (e.g., joking, asking questions, etc.). Some, like name-calling and ridiculing are always risky and cause problems.
2. You are not a "bad" parent because you use roadblocks. You are doing what you have been taught to do to help others. P.E.T. will provide you with more effective alternatives to begin using instead of these common roadblocks.

Future posts on the effects some roadblocks have on communication, and useful alternatives to help the flow of communication.

Setting the Stage: The Important Step to Take Before Method III

Before beginning Method III for the first time it is essential that you lay the ground work with your child or other person. In P.E.T. this is called "Setting the Stage" and it is something you need to do before starting with Step 1.

Just because you want to use a win-win way to solve problems, don't expect the other person to immediately be enthusiastic about trying something new. If your child, partner or other person is used to Method I or Method II as the way you solve problems together, he or she may be very suspicious when you try to introduce Method III. To her it may seem hard to believe and it may take time and energy to help her accept and embrace Method III.

"Setting the Stage" provides a way for you to introduce both the idea and steps of Method III while dealing with any feelings of mistrust or uncertainty on the part of the child/other. It's important that you not use Method I (power) to get them to agree to try Method III.

Once you have used Method III with your child/other and she is familiar with it and has trust that her needs will get met (you will both be winners), then "Setting the Stage" goes very quickly. The process becomes much less formal and usually involves only having to identify there is a problem and agreeing on a time to address it using Method III.

SETTING THE STAGE:

• Choose best possible time/situation.
• Tell child you would like to talk with him/her about a problem.
• Convince child you both need to be happy with the results.
• Explain Method III.
• Agree to use Method III and schedule a time to begin.

Choose the best possible time/situation.

The very first time you introduce the idea of using Method III to your child or family, do it when there is no conflict and you are both in the No Problem Area. Talk about how and why you would like to solve problems differently in the future.

For best reception and acceptance of Method III, try it first on a "No Problem Area" decision such as what to do during the next family vacation or choose a very small problem which is free of strong feelings and past history.

Tell the child/other you would like to talk with him or her about a problem.

When you do finally introduce an actual problem, indicate that you would like to work it out differently than you have in the past. Let him know you want to work together to solve it and that his thoughts, feelings and needs are important to you.

Convince the child/other you both need to be happy with the results.

This is a place for Gear Shifting. "Convince" doesn't mean you try to talk him into it, in fact it means you will probably need to do a lot of Active listening.

Begin with an I-Message about why you want to solve this problem in a different way and then be ready to Gear Shift and use Active Listening to deal with any suspicion, resistance or confusion on the part of your child or other. 

Once you have Active Listened, use another I-Message to restate your genuine desire to work the problem out in a win-win way so you end up agreeing on a solution that you both are happy with.

Explain Method III.

Don't expect your child or the other person to automatically understand what you mean by Method III Problem Solving. Because of their life experiences, the words "Problem Solving" means Method I, II or Compromise to them. You will need to explain exactly what the Six Steps are and how they work.

Start by briefly reviewing the ways of solving problems they are most familiar with, Method I, and Method II (win-lose).

Example - you might explain this to your child by telling her: "One way for us to solve a problem is for me to tell you what to do - and you have to do it. You'll end up unhappy and feeling like the loser. Another way is for you to decide to do whatever you want - and I end up feeling like the loser."

"Our relationship is important to me. I want you and me to feel good about how we solve our problems together."

"I'd like to do things differently. There is a better way to work things out so there are no losers and everyone wins."

Be ready at any point to Active Listen to more suspicion or confusion.

When your child/other is ready to hear it, explain what each of the Six Steps are. Use language and examples that fit the age of your child.

Agree to use Method III and schedule a time to begin.

Once your child or other understands how Method III works, and she is willing to try it, agree on when you will begin Step 1. You may decide to start immediately or at a later time.

Note that how precisely you follow the process of "setting the Stage" and how much detail you present will depend on the age of the child and on the relationship.

Please leave any comments or questions you have!

Get What You Need Every Time: Method III

Last month, the Family Connection explored how compromise can be detrimental to a relationship rather than healthy. Compromising involves people in a conflict trying to keep as much of their own solution as possible, and lose as little as possible. In the end, someone’s needs are what actually end up being compromised, and this usually results in feelings of anger, resentment, sadness, etc. 

Method III is a different way of resolving conflict that fosters healthy, close relationships. Instead of putting ourselves through the frustration of not having our needs met through compromise, or feeling like we have to battle our loved ones in a "my needs vs. your needs" battle, we can clearly state our needs and then discuss and reach a solution that meets everyone's needs. In other words, we really can make sure everyone gets what they need all of the time. 

Next time you have a conflict, instead of giving in to the other person and sacrificing your needs for theirs (Method II), implementing your own solutions and putting your needs ahead of theirs (Method I), or going through the frustration of a compromise, try these six simple steps of Method III instead:

1. Define everyone’s needs

2. Brainstorm solutions

3. Evaluate the solutions

4. Decide on final solutions

5. Implement solutions

6. Evaluate solutions

Let’s take a look at how this would work using one of last month’s examples. 

"I don't want to eat my broccoli; it makes me gag!"

"You need your vegetables. Now just take 5 bites!"

Before you launch into Method III, make sure you set a time that everyone involved in the conflict can sit down and go through all six steps. Depending on the conflict and who is involved, Method III could take 5 minutes, or it could take 30. Make sure you leave adequate time open, and that it is a good time for everyone! 

Method III is about getting your needs met, not getting your solution “met” as it were. It can be a challenge separating solutions from needs. For example, when a child says "I need my own room," they have presented a solution for his/her underlying needs. What s/he actually might need may be more privacy or more space—and that need is something both parties involved can determine together with Active Listening. 

Defining needs (Step 1) is the most critical of the six steps, since steps 2-6 are all about finding solutions for the needs defined in the first step. The next Family Connection will discuss Step 1 and separating needs from solutions in more detail.

Both of these things--making sure you choose a good time, and begin Method III without predetermined solutions--are part of what P.E.T. calls “Setting the Stage.” For more information on “Setting the Stage,” check out the P.E.T. blog! 

Step 1: Define Everyone’s Needs

 Parent: So you really hate that broccoli, don’t you?

 Child:   Yeah. It really grosses me out! I gag! I can’t eat it.

 Parent: Ok, so you need to stay away from broccoli.

 Child:   Yeah!

 Parent: Well, I need to make sure you’re getting all of your veggies. 

Remember, this is a simple example; often times, there are several needs. Write everyone’s needs down if you like!

Step 2: Brainstorm Solutions

Next, put your heads together and brainstorm solutions. The purpose of this is to generate lots of alternative solutions without any discussion or evaluation; keeping evaluation out of this step encourages thinking off the top of your heads. It is important to write down every solution that is suggested, even if it seems silly or impossible. Save the evaluation for later! Evaluating during brainstorming might discourage people from voicing their ideas, and you might miss a good one!

Parent: So what can we do so that you don’t have to eat broccoli and I know you’re getting all your vitamins?

Child: Eat more vitamins!

Parent: Ok, I’ll write that idea down. And I’m also going to write down serving vegetables you like!

Child:  Or what about smoothies?

Once you’re done brainstorming ideas, go ahead and move on to the next step.

Step 3: Evaluate the Solutions

Go down the list and discuss all of the ideas with each other. A good idea is to put a checkmark next to the ideas you both agree on, cross out the ones no one agrees on, and put a question mark next to the ones on which you have a difference of opinion. You can use your I-Messages and Active Listening skills to discuss the items with a question mark, until you can both agree on a checkmark or crossing it out. You should be left with a list of solutions that you both agree on.

In this case, our parent-child pair put a checkmark next to the smoothies solution, and the choosing vegetables that the child likes solution. They both agreed to cross out the vitamins after a brief discussion, since the parent says that there’s a limit on how many vitamins the child can safely take per day. 

Step 4: Decide on Final Solution(s)

Decide together on the final solution to your conflict. This could include putting one or more of your ideas into action. Since the parent and child here put checkmarks next to 2 solutions, they take a closer look at these two. They decide that choosing a vegetable the child likes and drinking smoothies will both work. The child will be eating something s/he likes, and the parent will know that his/her child will be getting proper nutrition. Remember, the final solution(s) should be mutually agreed on!

Step 5: Implement Solution(s)

At this point, all parties involved should decide who is responsible for the different parts of the solution(s) and what each agrees to do to carry it out. It’s important to agree on when to begin and then put your solution into practice. 

In this example, the child agrees to prepare a list of vegetables he likes and get it to the parent before her next grocery shopping trip, which will be on Friday. The parent agrees to pick up these veggies and serve them with dinner, and s/he also agrees to make smoothies for the child on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays.

Step 6: Evaluate Solution(s)

The next step is to work out a plan to check later on to be sure the solution(s) is still working and everyone’s needs continue to be met if it is an ongoing situation. If it is a one-time event, then be sure that everyone’s needs have been met and the problem has been solved. 

Parent and child decide that they will sit down to talk again in a month. They choose a date on the calendar that works for both of them. 

If the solution(s) isn’t working at that point, they may need to re-evaluate, discuss a different way of implementing their solution, or even brainstorm more ideas.

Method III can help you resolve conflicts without power struggles, hurt feelings, resentment, or anger. It makes sure everyone's needs are met, and everyone will feel satisfied. 

Give it a try! 

Conflict: An Opportunity for Your Relationship to Grow!

Conflict is a disagreement, a clash, a quarrel, a fight between two or more people--family members, friends, coworkers and the like. It's the moment of truth in a relationship; a test of its health; a crisis that can weaken or strengthen it.

Conflicts can push people away from each other or pull them closer together. Whether it occurs at home, at school, at work, or elsewhere, most people hate conflict and avoid it at all costs. They pretend nothing is wrong. 

They do this because in their experience most conflicts end with someone winning and someone losing or both losing. People end up distant from each other. Sometimes they end up hating each other, or worse, physically hurting each other.

Few people accept that conflict is a natural part of life and not necessarily bad. Actually, it would be a rare relationship in which one person's needs did not conflict with the other's over a period of time. When any two people (or groups) coexist, conflict is bound to occur just because people are different, think differently and have needs and wants that sometimes don't match.

Conflicts can be about friends, spouses, coworkers, chores, money, etc. 

Conflict in a family, with friends, with spouses, coworkers, etc., openly expressed and accepted as natural and inevitable, can be far healthier than most people think. It can be useful in identifying problems which need to be solved. And it can bring about constructive changes in relationships.

Probably the most important factor in any relationship is how conflicts get resolved, not how many conflicts occur. How they get resolved determines to a great extent whether a relationship will be healthy or unhealthy, friendly or unfriendly, intimate or cold, deep or shallow.

Last week, we examined compromise as one way of resolving a conflict, and the damages it can do to a relationship when one person wins and the other person loses. Next week, we will examine how to resolve conflicts so that our relationships can grow stronger. 

The Family Connection: Get Connected!

The Family Connection is a free monthly e-newsletter sent out by Gordon Training International. Each month we provide stories and insights concerning the skills that are learned in our programs including P.E.T. (Parent Effectiveness Training), T.E.T. (Teacher Effectiveness Training) and Be Your Best. 

This newsletter is for everyone and anyone! (Especially those interested in learning about communication, conflict resolution, and improving relationships with others.)

Email us to sign up at family@gordontraining.com, or tell your friends! Feel free to send suggestions, feedback, or questions and comments!

Sign up for The Family Connection

P.E.T. News: Now on Facebook and MySpace!

Do you have a Facebook or MySpace page? P.E.T. has both!

First, we have started a new group on Facebook called "Parent Effectiveness Training" and we'd love you to join and help spread the word about this great program!

If you have Facebook, click here to become a member of the "Parent Effectiveness Training" group on Facebook. Also, go ahead and invite any friends you have that might be interested in or would benefit from P.E.T.

If you don't have Facebook, look into it! :) It's a great way to reconnect with friends and family, share pictures and express your views on life.

We have also created a page on MySpace. Click here to view our profile and add us as your friend!

We hope to see your smiling faces in our members section soon!

What's your favorite I-Message to give?

As a refresher - an I-Message is a statement that describes you; an expression of your feelings and experience. They don't have any kind of judgment or interpretation of others and, therefore, they are more honest and encourage others to be more open with you.

My favorite would have to be the Positive or Appreciative I-Message. I use this type of I-Message when I don't have any problems with the other person in my relationship. I simply use it to let them know that I appreciate something that they did, said or even just for the person they are. Positive I-Messages are very easy to give and really explain the "Why?" to your gratitude.

Here's a short message that is perfect for a child: "I really appreciate how you cleaned up your toys in the living room when I asked you to; it's much easier for me to find things in there when I need them now."

So simple, right? Do you see how in that short message you are telling the child what a specific behavior from them meant to you?

As a parent, you can feel good about yourself after sharing positive feelings like this and, most importantly, your child can feel appreciated, affirmed and loved.

To create an I-Message, just add the results of the answers to these questions:

What was my child's behavior that I appreciate?
What effect did that behavior have on me?
How did that behavior make me feel?

Make sure to be as clear as possible - don't add any labels like "You're such a good girl!" The point of a Positive I-Message is to focus on real feelings and experiences and steer clear of judgment.

Try using a Positive I-Message today with your child and report the results with the rest of us in the comments section to this post!

The Best Relationships Lack Compromise

Does this sound familiar?

"I'm not eating those."

"Oh, yes you are!"

How about this?

"I need to talk to you about something."

"Can't you just leave me alone for one second!?"

These types of conflicts occur often. When we have what seem like irreconcilable needs, in order to move forward, it seems that often one party ends up fulfilling their needs at the expense of the other’s. 

"Compromise" is a word often tossed around in these situations. We have all heard the conventional wisdom that every good relationship is based on compromise. All of us have been told at one time or another that we need to compromise. 

When we hear “compromise” though, it usually signals to us that we are going to have to give up something that we want for the greater good of the relationship. The attitude/mindset of both parties is still usually one of Win-Lose; each has concerns about losing and being sure they get most of what they want—their solutions.

Compromise means that one or both parties will forfeit one or more of their needs so that everyone can get along.

A compromise for our quarrels above might look like this:

 Example 1: 

"I don't want to eat my broccoli; it makes me gag!" 

"You need your vegetables. Now just take 5 bites!"

 Example 2:

"Fine, I guess I’ll wait on you; just let me know when you feel like talking."

In the first example, the child does not get his needs met. He may submit and eat his broccoli, which could leave him feeling powerless, frustrated, perhaps resentful, or he may try a fight or flight response. In any of these situations, harm is done to the relationship. The parent has sent the message to her child that her own needs take precedence over his.

In the second example, one person has completely submitted and sacrificed their needs for another. This person has put his or her own needs on the back burner, which will likely be frustrating and again may lead to feelings of anger and resentment. 

P.E.T. offers us an alternative to compromising, called Method III. Instead of putting ourselves through the frustration of not having our needs met through compromise, or feeling like we have to battle our loved ones in a “my needs vs. your needs” battle, we can clearly state our needs and then discuss and reach a solution that meets everyone's needs. In essence, everyone gets what they want.

We will be discussing the six steps of Method III conflict resolution in more detail in an upcoming post. Until then, please feel free to leave comments about your experiences with compromise, how it made you feel, the effect it has had on your relationships, or anything else!

Cheers,

Stephanie

Is It Time to Rock the Boat? (reposted from GTI's main website)

By Linda Adams, President of GTI

"It's only for the weekend."
"I'll let well enough alone."
"I wouldn't want to cause an argument during Thanksgiving."
"It's not that big of a deal."

As the holiday season nears, do you find yourself resisting or even dreading being with certain relatives or friends because no true connection exists between you?  Will you be with them mostly out of a sense of duty or obligation?  Do you plan to make the best of it?  Get through it somehow and not rock the boat?    

Isn't it interesting, even intriguing, to consider the possibility of what these relationships could be if we were to reject this way of being and take the risk of having truly meaningful genuine dialogue with a parent, uncle, friend or adult child--any relationship where there's staleness, stiffness or indifference. 

While maintaining the status quo might seem innocuous, in reality it's anything but.  Every time we choose it, we collapse further.  It's insidious.  The more often we do it, the easier it is to continue.  Gradually it becomes a habit that we aren't even aware that we have.  We stop seeing that we have a choice.

In reality, we always have a choice.  If we want truly meaningful connections with people, we need to make an effort to bring that about and stop waiting for them to change or show interest in us first or whatever our expectation of them happens to be.  Each of us has the potential capability to improve our communication and as a result our relationships.  

As we are all aware, real and satisfying communication isn't easy and often our attempts at it fall flat in spite of our best efforts.  So we frequently settle for talking about and hearing about the traffic, the weather, the mundane details of our lives, etc. even though we might not have any real interest in discussing these topics and don't feel energized or excited when such conversations are over.  To truly connect with others who are important in our lives requires some skills--of clear, appropriate, non-blameful self-disclosure and of non-judgmental, empathic listening.        

1. First comes the awareness that you have some unsatisfying relationships with people who are important to you or significant in your life.  I think I can safely say that this would be true for each one of us.
2. Next comes the realization of the personal price that you pay for maintaining the status quo in these relationships.   Every time you miss an opportunity to make a meaningful connection or decide to let something go, you lose a bit of yourself, you miss a chance to grow.  Passing up these opportunities can cause us to feel indifferent, apathetic, as though we aren't fully living.  It also means that the relationship you have with the other person will not be strengthened or deepened, in fact, the opposite will happen--more distance will be created between you.   
3. You can decide to gently rock the boat, make a little wave--not a tsunami.  This means being willing to risk engaging in genuine dialogue with the other person--both honest, clear and non-blameful self-disclosure and empathic listening.   

• Make a conscious attempt to learn more about the other person by showing genuine interest in them and then Active Listen to show that you understand.  Do this with the intent of truly hearing their experience and not using it as a way segueing into a story of your own, i.e. "That reminds me of the time...".  Keep the ball in their court; let them have the floor; let them finish.     

• Ideally, the other person will reciprocate by actively showing an interest in you--your experience, ideas or opinions.  When that happens, it gives you an opportunity to share something important to you, to reveal something about yourself and contributes to the feeling of a real connection between you.  Unfortunately, the other person doesn't always show that interest, but that doesn't need to stop you.  When they don't, say something like: "I'd like to tell you about..." or "Here's something I've been thinking about...", etc.     

Empathic listening and congruent self-disclosure (I-Messages) are equally necessary skills because it's just as important to listen with understanding, empathy and acceptance of the other person as it is to let them know you at a deeper level.  If disclosing and listening are way out of balance, the interaction will be dissatisfying for at least one of you.  People have said to me:  "I like talking to you--you're such a good listener" and I value hearing that.  Still, if I have mostly listened and not disclosed meaningful things about myself that are heard and acknowledged, I come away feeling at least vaguely dissatisfied.  On the other hand, when another person and I engage in meaningful dialogue with each other, we both come away energized and enriched by the experience and eager for more.

Make a gentle wave and see what ripple effect it has.  It could make the difference between just surviving the holidays and having a meaningful experience. 

A Christmas Miracle!

About a month ago, an old friend of mine posted pictures of his snowshoeing trip online. There was something in these photos that caught my eye, and it wasn't the powdery white snow I'm so very homesick for...

It was my bright red ski coat that went missing about a year ago, around the same time this friend of mine moved in with his fiancee. The same red ski coat I asked him about before I moved, as I seemed to have remembered leaving it in his apartment. The same red ski coat that he said he didn't have; the red ski coat that his fiancee was happily modeling in all of his photos. MY red ski coat.

(I wouldn't ordinarily be so quick to jump to conclusions, except that this is the same "friend" who told me my bike had been stolen. I later discovered he had sold it...)

Anyway, if I would have found these photos before October, our interaction would have gone something like this:

me: I see your fiancee is wearing my coat...can I have it back?
him: That's not your coat!
me: Well it's identical to mine, and it's kind of a unique coat. And it's too big for her!
him: It's not your coat, it's hers! I can't believe you're accusing me of stealing your coat!
me: You did steal my coat! It's even missing the same zipper as mine! Send it back to me! NOW!
him: ...

Well, you get the idea.

However, in October, I attended a P.E.T. Instructor Training Workshop, and I picked up on a few things. I decided to put my newly learned P.E.T. skills to the test. Our interaction went like this instead:

me: I see that the coat in your pictures is identical to the one that I'm missing. Any chance that that's the one I lost?
Al: That's not your coat. I can't believe what you're implying, that's ridiculous.
me: You feel like I'm accusing you of something.
Al: Yes! You basically just told me I stole your coat. Like I'm a thief or something. That's not your coat!
me: So you didn't take my coat. But, look, I really miss my coat and I'm going to have to pay a lot of money for a new one this year if I can't find mine, and that's really stressing me out.
Al: Ok, look, I'll take another look around through the house and my storage unit, ok? Just don't accuse me of stealing your stuff.
me: Alright, I'm sorry I accused you of stealing. I would really appreciate your looking for it again. Thank you.
Al: No problem. I'll let you know if I find it.

Last week, my coat arrived at my front door in perfect condition, with a hand-written apology and a note about how he didn't realize that I had missed the coat at all.

This was a tricky situation, and I'm sure I could have handled it better. But as I have been learning through experience, I-messages tend to work in the trickiest of situations...even if you start things off on the wrong foot.

All hail Active Listening and I-messages!!! :)