Can Molly, at 4 1/2 Year's Old, Use Method III?

THE CASE OF MOLLY AND JAY

MOM

DAD

MOLLY AGE 4 1/2

JAY AGE 3 1/2

This session was transcribed word-for-word from a recording of the conversation. Both parents were new to Method III.

The Problem:

Jay wakes up very early in the morning, any time from 5:30 a.m. on. Lately, he has been waking his older sister so that she will play with him until Mother and Dad get up (6:30 a.m.) to make breakfast. Molly gets up to go to the bathroom when Jay gets up, but then she likes to go back to bed and catch some more sleep.

****

Dad: Molly, you have a problem. Would you like to tell us what your problem is?

Molly: Do you know why? I don't want Jay to wake me up. Every time I get up in the morning to go potty, Jay says, "Do you want to play in the kitchen with me?" and I say, "No", and he says that again and comes into my room and then he wakes me up and tells me to get up again and then I get up and then I go back to bed.

Dad: You don't want Jay to wake you up early in the morning. You like to stay in bed.

Molly: Yes.

Mom: And, Jay, you like to have somebody to play with. Is that right?

Jay: (Shakes his head in agreement.)

Dad: Well, Jay, how do you think we can solve this problem?

Jay: I don't know.

Molly: I know how. Well, in-the morning, Jay could play in the kitchen by himself and get out a whole bunch of toys, and when you get up, he could pick the toys up.

Mom: You think Jay could play in the kitchen and get out all the toys he wants, but he'd have to put them away.

Molly: Yes.

Mom: How do you feel about that, Jay? And then you could go back to your room and play by yourself until Molly wakes up?

Jay: Okay, okay.

Jay: No, I don't care for that.

Mom: You don't care for that.

Jay: No.

Molly: Well, he could take two toys out, and then when he's through with them he could put them back, or Jay could put one back and I could put the other one back.

Mom: I see. Well, Jay, how about when you get up, you could come into Mommy and Daddy's room and one of us could get you your cereal.

Jay: Okay.

Mom: Do you think you'd really like that? But, then, you couldn't wake up Molly.

Jay: Uh-huh, I won't do that.

Dad: How does this sound to you, Molly?

Molly: Oh, well, that's a good reason, because if he goes back to his room after he eats his cereal, maybe that will work out fine.

Dad: Jay, you think if you get your cereal in the morning, you can play by yourself?

Mom: Is that right, Jay?

Jay: Yeah.

Mom: And if this doesn't work out, we'll just have to talk about it some more, if it doesn't work out, we'll just have to talk about it some more, if it doesn't work out the way we've decided...*

*Excerpt from Dr. Thomas Gordon's P.E.T. Participant Workbook

Do Parents Have to Put Up a "United Front"?

Parents Don't Have to Put Up a "United Front"

Even more important, the advice to be consistent has led many a mother and father to think that they should always be together in their feelings, presenting a united parental front to their children. This is nonsense. Yet, it is one of the most entrenched beliefs in child-rearing. Parents, according to this traditional notion, should always back each other up so that the child is led to believe that both parents feel the same way about a particular behavior.

Apart from the utter unfairness of this strategy--ganging up on the child in a two-against-one alignment--it often promotes "unrealness" on the part of one of the parents.

****

A sixteen-year-old girl's room is generally not kept clean enough to meet her mother's standards. This daughter's cleaning habits are unacceptable to Mother (in her area of nonacceptance). Her father, however, finds the room acceptably clean and neat. The same behavior is within his area of acceptance. Mother puts pressure on Father to feel the same way about the room as she does, so that they can have a united front (and thus have more influence on the daughter). If Father goes along, he is being untrue to his real feelings.

A six-year-old boys is playing with his video games and making more racket than his father can accept. Mother, however, is not bothered at all. She is delighted that the child is playing independently instead of hanging around her as he did all day. Father approaches Mother. "Why don't you do something to stop him making all that noise?" If Mother goes along, she is being untrue to her real feelings.*

*Excerpt from Dr. Thomas Gordon's P.E.T. book

Remember: You can be supportive, but not have a "united front"

How Do I Modify Myself When There is a Values Collision?

Level 1 - Modifying Yourself

Many parents, upon close examination of their values, often as a result of a values "collision" with their child, decide not to make an issue out of their differences. Instead of setting out to change their child, they change themselves, in some instances by simply accepting the differences that exist (i.e., lowering their line) or by actually modifying their own values, sometimes even by adopting the child's values.

As part of the process for considering modifying yourself (or not to), there are three important questions to ask yourself.

1. What is My Value? Look below any behaviors and identify the belief that is your real value.

2. Where Did It Come From? Did I get it from my parents, church, friends or just pick it somewhere along the way without much thought?

3. Why Do I Want To Keep It? How has behaving and acting on this value helped or enriched my life? What experiences and observations have I had that support this as being an important value that I want to keep?

The answers to these questions may lead you to modify your own behaviors and even change a value. Or, you may reaffirm a value once you have clarified it and the answers to these questions become the "facts" that you can use as a consultant with your child.

Perhaps the ultimate question that parents should ask themselves before deciding to push for change in a conflict-of-values with their child is this: How important is that my child be like me and that I be like him? Or, can we be very different, unique people who can still love each other and value our relationship.*

*Excerpt from Dr. Gordon's P.E.T. Participant Workbook

What Are the Characteristics of A Helping Relationship?

THE CHARACTERISTICS OF A HELPING RELATIONSHIP

Carl R. Rogers, Ph.D.

Excerpts reprinted with permission of the author.

My interest in psychotherapy has brought about in me an interest in every kind, of helping relationship. By this term I mean a relationship in which at least one of the parties has the intent of promoting the growth, development, maturity, improved functioning, improved coping with the life of the other. The other, in this sense, may be one individual or a group. To put it in another way, a helping relationship might be defined as one in which one of the participants intends that there should come about, in one or both parties, more appreciation of, more expression of, more functional use of the latent inner resources of the individual.

Now it is obvious that such a definition covers a wide range of relationships which usually are intended to facilitate growth. It would certainly include the relationship between mother and child, father and child. It would include the relationship between the physician and his patient. The relationship between teacher and pupil would often come under this definition, though some teachers would not have the promotion of growth as their intent. It includes almost all counselor-client relationships, whether we are speaking of education counseling, vocational counseling, or personal counseling. In this last-mentioned area it would include the wide range of relationships between the psychotherapist and the hospitalized psychotic, the therapist and the troubled or neurotic individual, and the relationship between the therapist and the increasing number of so-called "normal" individuals who enter therapy to improve their own functioning or accelerate their personal growth.

These are largely one-to-one relationships. But we should also think of the large number of individual-group interactions which are intended as helping relationships. Some administrators intend that their relationship to their staff groups shall be of the sort which promotes growth, though other administrators would not have this purpose. The interaction between the group therapy leader and his group belongs here. So does the relationship of the community consultant to a community group. Increasingly the interaction between the industrial consultant and a management group is intended as a helping relationship. Perhaps this listing will point up the fact that a great many of the relationships in which we and others are involved fall within this category of interactions in which there is the purpose of promoting development and more mature and adequate functioning.

But what are the characteristics of those relationships which do help, which do facilitate growth? And at the other end of the scale, is it possible to discern those characteristics which make a relationship unhelpful, even though it has the sincere intent to promote growth and development?

Can One Parent Use Method III and the Other Not?

One Parent Using Method III, the Other Not

We are often asked in P.E.T. whether it is possible for one parent to resolve conflicts by the no-lose Method III approach while the other does not. The question comes up because not all parents take the course with their spouses even though we strongly urge that when there are two parents both participate.

In some cases where only one parent is committed to change to the no-lose method, perhaps a mother, she simply starts resolving all her conflicts with the kids by using the no-lose method and the father continues using Method I in his conflicts. This may not cause too many problems, except that the children, fully aware of the difference, often complain to the father that they no longer like his approach and wish he would solve problems the way their mother does. Some fathers respond to these complaints by enrolling in a subsequent P.E.T. class. Typical of such fathers is the one who showed up at the first session of a P.E.T. class and admitted:

"I'm here tonight in self-defense, I guess, because I began to see what good results my wife was getting with her new methods. Her relationship with the kids has improved and mine has not. They talk to her but they wont talk to me."

Another father, at the first session of the class in which he enrolled after his wife had been in a previous class, made this comment:

"I want to tell you women who are taking this course without your husbands what you might expect from him. As you start using the new methods of listening and confronting and problem-solving with the children, he is going to feel hurt, left out. He will feel his role as a father is being taken away from him. You will be getting results, but he can't. I lashed out at my wife and said, 'What do you expect of me--I'm not taking the damn course.' Do you understand why I say now that I can't afford not to take the course?"

Some fathers who do not learn the new skills and remain content with their Method I approach are often given a bad time by their wives. One wife told us that she began to build up resentments and ended up being quite hostile toward her husband because she could not stand watching him resolve conflicts with power. "I see now just how much harm to the children Method I produces, and I just cannot sit by and watch him hurt the kids this way," she told the class. Another said, "I can see he is ruining his relationship with the kids and that makes me feel disappointed and sad. They need their relationship with him, but it is going down the drain rapidly."

Some mothers enlist the help of class members in P.E.T. to generate the courage to confront their husbands openly and honestly. I recall one young mother who in class was helped to see how much she herself actually feared her husband and therefore had avoided confronting him with her feelings about using Method I. Somehow, by discussing this in P.E.T., she gained enough courage to go home and tell him the feelings and had identified in class:

"I love my kids too much to stand by and see them hurt by you I know what I have learned in P.E.T. is better for the kids and I want you to learn these methods, too. I've always been afraid of you and I can see you're doing the same to the kids."

The effects of her confrontation astonished this mother. For the first time in their relationship, he heard her out. He told her he hadn't realized how much he had dominated both her and the children, and subsequently agreed to enroll in the next P.E.T. class in their community.

It does not always work out as favorably as in this family, when one parent continues to use Method I. I am certain that in some families this problem never does get resolved. While we seldom hear about it, it is likely that some husbands and wives never do come together in their methods of resolving conflicts, or in some cases a parent who has been trained in P.E.T. methods may even return to her old ways under pressure of a spouse who refuses to give up using power to resolve conflicts.*

*Excerpt from Dr. Thomas Gordon's P.E.T. book

How Do I Clear Send in The No-Problem Area?

CLEAR SENDING IN THE NO-PROBLEM AREA

Letting Them Know The Real You

In the P.E.T. course, self-disclosing messages are referred to as I-Messages. An I-Message is a communication about the self--the "I".

An I-Message is authentic, honest, and congruent--reflecting the actual nature and strength of your thoughts and feelings. It is a clear message, understandable, and to the point, not masked in indirect or vague language.

Declarative I-Messages Are The Basic Form of Self-Disclosure

They are the declaration to others of your beliefs, ideas, likes, dislikes, feelings, thoughts, reaction--or any other statement that helps others know you better and understand how you are experiencing your life.

Some Examples of Declarative I-Messages:

"I believe the homework that your teacher's given you is really important."

"I think that we should have a military draft."

"I feel discouraged about how much things cost these days."

"I know you disagree strongly, yet I got real value from the first parent-faculty meeting, and I think we should give it a real chance."

Preventive I-Messages Stop Trouble Before It Starts

Another important type of self-disclosure is one that lets your children and others know of some future need that you want to meet; that anticipates what you want to do or see happen. Such a message, because it clearly describes how you want events to turn out, greatly increases the chances that others will adjust their actions so as not to block what you need. Such message may prevent a conflict. Such Preventive I-Messages are especially appropriate in the home. An example, familiar to every parent, is the announcement of the time dinner will be ready so that the children can finish what they're doing and, ideally, help out in the kitchen!

Some examples of Preventive I-Messages:

"I need some uninterrupted time tonight so I can get the bills paid."

"I'd like to hear of your weekend plans this evening so we can work out transportation ahead of time."

"I'd love to come to dinner. Please remember, I don't eat meat."

"I'd like to set a limit on our holiday spending this year."

Positive I-Messages Enhance and Strengthen Relationships

One of the most enriching forms of self-disclosure is the Positive I-Message. These are messages that exclusively describe parents' positive feelings toward their children. Although kids do plenty of things that are a problem for parents, they also say and do many things that are a pleasure, often helping a parent in unexpected ways or displaying kindness, maturity, considerateness, or good humor just when it's needed most. When these behaviors occur, it is appropriate and important for parents to disclose any genuine positive feelings they have about them.

Unfortunately, many parents are only self-disclosing when they are upset with their child's behavior. This is clearly appropriate self-disclosure, but the important point is that parents should disclose both their feelings of unacceptance and acceptance. Positive I-Messages that express appreciation, love, enjoyment, and affection toward children (spouse, friends, and others) can contribute greatly to warmer, closer, and more enjoyable relationships. Very young children, with their budding self-esteem and desire to be a "helper", seem especially to thrive on Positive I-Messages.

Consider the value for you, your children, or others in the following examples of Positive I-Messages:

"I appreciate how quiet you were when I was paying the bills. I did it a lot faster, thanks to you!"

"I really like the story you wrote, James."

"I was so proud when I heard you telling those kids you wouldn't lie to cover them!"

"Honey, I really love you."

It is important that Positive I-Messages not be used to manipulate or "shape" a child's behavior. Such ulterior motives invariably come through to the child and make your sincerity suspect. The Positive I-Message should be a "no-strings attached" expression of acceptance and acknowledgement.

Even though changing your child should not be the motive, parents who express a lot of positive feelings toward their children are often automatically rewarded with less unacceptable behavior, more trust, mutual respect and cooperation, more affection and caring. Like honesty, warmth and affection are highly contagious in families!

*Excerpt from the P.E.T. Participant Workbook

Is Danny Really Afraid to Go to Sleep?

HOW PARENTS MAKE ACTIVE LISTENING WORK

Here is a chance to watch a parent putting Active Listening to work at home when they are confronted with nitty-gritty problems that mothers and fathers encounter. It is wise not to get so involved in these authentic situations that you forget to take note of the Active Listening this parent is using.

Danny: The Child Afraid to Go to Sleep

In handling this situation, this mother, a P.E.T. graduate, used a few of the 12 Communication Roadblocks, but she also relied heavily on Active Listening. The child, age eight, had been having increasing trouble getting to sleep since he was five years old. About eight months before the following dialogue took place, he moved out of a room he had been sharing with two younger brothers. Although eager for a room of his own, Danny found his sleeping problem intensified.

****

MOTHER: It's late. Turn out the light and go to sleep.

DANNY: I'm not going to sleep.

MOTHER: You have to, it's late. You'll be tired tomorrow.

DANNY: I'm not going to sleep.

MOTHER (harshly): Turn that light off now!

DANNY (flatly): I'm never going to sleep.

MOTHER (I feel like strangling him. I'm so tired, I can't stand this tonight...I go into the kitchen, count to ten, decide that I'm going in there and try Active Listening even if it kills me! Entering Danny's room): "C'mon, it's late but I'll sit on your bed for a while and rest my feet before I do the dishes. [She takes the book from him, turns off the lights, closes the door, and sits on the bed beside him, leaning back against the wall.]

DANNY: Gimme that book! Don't turn off the light. Get out of here. I don't want you in here. I'm not going to sleep. I hate you!

MOTHER: You're feeling very angry.

DANNY: Yeah, I hate school, and I'll ever go back, never!

MOTHER (He loves school.): You're fed up with school.

DANNY: It's horrible. I'm not good in school. Don't know anything. I should be in second grade. [He's in third.] Math, I don't know it. [He is very good at it.] The teacher must think we're in a high school or something.

MOTHER: Math's pretty hard for you.

DANNY: No! It's easy. Just don't feel like doing it.

MOTHER: Oh.

DANNY (sudden shift): I like baseball. Much rather play baseball than go to school.

MOTHER: You really like baseball.

DANNY: Do you have to go to college? [Oldest brother will soon enter college and there is much family talk about it.]

MOTHER: No.

DANNY: How long do yo have to go to school?

MOTHER: you have to finish high school.

DANNY: Well, I'm not going to college. Don't have to, right?

MOTHER: Right.

DANNY: Good, I'll play baseball.

MOTHER: Baseball's really fun.

DANNY: Yeah. [Completely calmed down, talking comfortably, no anger.] Well, good night.

MOTHER: Good night.

DANNY: Will you sit up with me some more?

MOTHER: Uh-huh.

DANNY (pulls up covers which had been kicked off; carefully covers up Mother's knees and pats them): Comfortable?

MOTHER: Yes.

DANNY: You're welcome. [Period of quiet, then Danny starts snorting and sniffing with much exaggerated clearing of throat and nose. Snort, snort, snort. Danny does have slight allergy with stuffy nose, but the symptoms are never acute. Mother has never heard Danny snort like this before.]

MOTHER: Nose bugging you?

DANNY: No. [Snort, snort.]

MOTHER: Nose really bugs you.

DANNY: Yeah. [snort]. [Sigh of anguish.] Oh, I wish you didn't have to breathe through your nose when you sleep.

MOTHER (very surprised at this, tempted to ask where that idea came from): You think you have to breathe through your nose when you sleep?

DANNY: I know I have to.

MOTHER: You feel sure about it.

DANNY: I know it. Tommy told me, a long time ago. [Much admired friend, two years older.] he said you have to. You can't breathe through your mouth when you sleep.

MOTHER: You mean you aren't supposed to?

DANNY: You just can't [snort]. Mommy, that's right, isn't it? I mean, you gotta breathe through your nose when you sleep, don't you? [Long explanation--many questions from Danny about admired friend. "He wouldn't lie to me."]

MOTHER: (Explains that friend is probably trying to help but kids get false information sometimes. Much emphasis from Mother that everyone breathes through the mouth when sleeping.)

DANNY (very relieved): Well, good night.

MOTHER: Good night. [Danny breathing easily through mouth.]

DANNY (suddenly): Snort.

MOTHER: Still scary.

DANNY: Uh-huh. Mommy, what if I go to sleep breathing through my mouth--and my noise is stuff--and what if in the middle of the night when I'm sound asleep--what if I closed my mouth?

MOTHER (realized that he has been afraid to go to sleep for years because he is afraid he would choke to death; thinks; "Oh my poor baby"): You're afraid you might choke maybe?

DANNY: Uh-huh. You gotta breathe. [He couldn't say, "I might die."]

MOTHER (more explaining): It simply couldn't happen. Your mouth would open--just like your heart pumps blood or eyes blink.

DANNY: Are you sure?

MOTHER: Yes, I'm sure.

DANNY: Well, good night.

MOTHER: Good night, dear. [Kiss. Danny is asleep in minutes.]

****

The case of Danny is not a unique example of a parent whose Active Listening brought about the dramatic resolution of an emotional problem. Reports like these from parents in our classes confirm our belief that most parents can learn the skill employed by professional counselors well enough to put it to work to help their own children solve rather deep-seated problems that used to be considered the exclusive province of professionals.

Sometimes this kind of therapeutic listening brings only a cathartic release of a child's feelings; all the child seems to need is an empathic ear or a sounding board.

Who Owns the Problem?

PROBLEM OWNERSHIP

In your relationship with your child, you will have one of two attitudes towards everything you hear her say or see her do -- acceptance or unacceptance.

When you feel unaccepting of the behavior (placing it below your line), YOU OWN THE PROBLEM. To solve it, you will want to take appropriate action to change that behavior somehow so that it becomes acceptable to you. P.E.T. teaches some powerful tools to do that effectively without damaging the relationship.

On the other hand, some of your child's behaviors which are acceptable to you -- and thus do not cause you a problem -- are indications that the child has a problem.

Examples: You hear the child crying or saying, "I don't have any friends." These behaviors are placed above the line in the window, but in a special area at the top; they are not causing you a problem, but indicate that something in the child's life is unacceptable to him. NOW THE CHILD OWNS THE PROBLEM.

P.E.T. teaches an entirely different set of skills for helping the child take the responsibility for solving her own problems.

And, finally all the behaviors that are acceptable to you and are not cues or clues that the child has a problem are placed between the "problem" areas in a space labeled "NO PROBLEM AREA." P.E.T. also teaches skills and concepts for enhancing your relationship with your child in this area.

The purpose of P.E.T. is to enable parents to enlarge the NO PROBLEM AREA in their relationships with each of their children through the use of skills -- to help the child take charge of the problems in her life and to enable the parent to solve her problem when her child's behavior is unacceptable.

*Excerpt from P.E.T. Participant Workbook

"Can We Use All Three Methods?"

We occasionally encounter a parent who accepts the validity and believes in the effectiveness of the no-lose approach, yet is not willing to give up the two win-lose approaches.

"Won't a good parent use a judicious mixture of all three methods, depending on the nature of the problem? asked a father in one of my classes.

While understandable in view of some parents' fear of giving up all of their power over their children, this point of view is not tenable. As it is not possible "to be a little bit pregnant," it is not possible to be a little bit democratic in parent-child conflicts. In the first place, most parents who want to use a combination of all three methods really mean that they want to reserve the right to use Method I for the truly critical conflicts. Translated into simple language their attitude is: "On matters that are not too important to the children I will let them have a voice in the decision, but I will reserve the right to decide my way on issues that are very critical."

Our experiences seeing parents try this mixed approach is that it simply does not work. Children, once given a taste of how good it feels to resolve conflicts without losing, resent it when parents reverts back to Method I. Or they may lose all interest in entering into Method III on unimportant problems because they feel so resentful of losing on the more important problems.

A further outcome of the "judicious mixture" approach is that kids acquire a distrust of their parent when Method III is tried, because they have learned that when the chips are down and the parents has strong feeling on a problem he will end up winning anyway. So, why should they enter into problem-solving? Anytime it gets to be a real conflict, they know Dad is going to use his power to win anyway.

Some parents muddle through by occasionally using Method I for problems where the kids do not have strong feelings--the less critical problems--but Method III should always be used when a conflict is critical, involving strong feelings and convictions on the parent of the kids. Perhaps it is a principle in all human relationships that when one doesn't care much about the outcome of a conflict, one may be wiling to give in to another's power; but when one has a real stake in the outcome one wants to make sure to have a voice in the decision-making.

*Excerpt from Dr. Gordon's P.E.T. book

How Do I Prevent Some Problems with My Children?

How to Prevent Some Problems

When you're experiencing no problems at all in your relationship with your children (the relationship is in the No Problem Area of the Behavior Window), you may want to send a message to prevent an unacceptable behavior in the future.

The purpose of these Preventive I-Messages is to inform kids ahead of time about your plans, needs, etc.:

"I need to finish a course I'm taking online, so I'd like us to discuss how we can share the computer this weekend."

"I'd like us to figure out what needs to be done before we leave for our trip, so we make sure we have time to get it all done."

"I'd like to know when we're having dinner because there's a long phone call I want to make."

These assertive messages naturally won't always get parents exactly what they want, but it's far better to let your kids know ahead of time what you have in mind than wait until they behave unacceptably out of ignorance of your needs. A Preventive I-Message in time might save nine confrontations.

A less obvious effect of this kind of Preventive I-Message is that kids learn that their parents are human: they have needs, wants, preferences, and wishes like every one else. And, of course, they give kids a chance, without being told exactly what to do, to behave so their parents will be pleased.

A divorced mother, raising her three teenage sons on her own, described how she sent a preventive message to one of them, about a school event:

"I feel Dan has been closer to me--I can tell him what I feel. The other night I went to this thing at school where he was going to play the guitar and sing. He wanted me to go, but I'd never been before, and I was feeling like I didn't want to be dumped in there and left alone, not knowing anyone. So I said, 'Dan, I've never been to your school meeting before and I'm feeling just a little nervous, you know because I don't know anybody--I'd like you to help me out in there.' And he did! He took me in and introduced me to a bunch of people I didn't know and brought me a cup of tea. He just really looked after me!"

*Excerpt from Dr. Thomas Gordon's Parent Effectiveness Training, P.E.T. book

Happy Preventive I-Messaging!

When Do Confrontive I-Messages Not Work?

SIX REASONS WHY CONFRONTIVE I-MESSAGES DON'T WORK

I-Messages carry fewer risks to a relationship than do You-Messages and have a high success rate; however, they don't always work.

There are six reasons for this and actions you can take when these happen.

1.

Incomplete I-Message: While I-Messages with only one or two parts can work, many situations call for all three parts - Non-Blameful Description of Behavior, Effects on you and your Feelings.

What to do: Send a second I-Message and include all three parts.

2.

Hidden You-Message: Included in your message is some form of blame or label, i.e. "When you are so messy...". Or, you include your solution: "I'm frustrated because I can't work when your music is so loud, so turn it off."

What to do: Change the blame to a description of behavior, i.e. messy to - "When your toys are all over the floor." Send your I-Message without a solution attached: drop "so please turn it off." Remember, the goal is for the child to come up with his own solution (which is acceptable to you).

3.

Message is Too Weak. After a very unacceptable behavior has continued for several weeks, you say: "I am just a little frustrated because..." Or, "Too Strong when your child's behavior is relatively minor you say: "I am really furious because..."

What to do: Too Weak; send a stronger I-Message that reflects the importance and intensity of the effect(s) on you and your feeling(s). Sending an I-Message does not mean you need to be calm, collected and use a quiet voice. You can send a very strong message with a raised voice when the situation requires it.

Too Strong; reduce the intensity of your message to match the situation.

4.

Continuing Behavior is Meeting Needs. The child understands the effects of her behavior and your feelings but continues her actions because it is meeting important needs. This indicates it is a "Relationship-Owned" problem - you both have needs to meet.

What to do: Listen to the child, acknowledge you both have needs and use Method III Problem Solving to come up with a situation you both like.

5.

Behavior has No Effect on You. You don't like the child's behavior but it does not seem to have any concrete effect on you.

What to do: This may indicate that you are in a Values Conflict. Use the PET Values Conflict Strategies to deal with the situation.

6.

Other Gets "Flooded" by your I-Message. I-Messages don't blame or attack; however, people don't like to be confronted about their behaviors. Your child may still feel picked on, hurt, guilty, etc. and react defensively.

What to do: Active Listen to the child to reduce her emotional "flooding" before sending another I-Message. Continue this process of "Gear Shifting" until she can hear her behavior effects you.

*Excerpt from Dr. Gordon's P.E.T. Participant Workbook

How Do Families Solve Conflicts?

We don't need to look in the dictionary to find out what the word "conflict" means. We know because we experience it often in many of our relationships. In our roles as bosses or employees, teachers or students, customers or clerks, friends, spouses, and certainly as parents or children, conflict seems inevitable.

Most of us have come to accept a certain amount of conflict in our lives as "normal" and have learned effective ways of handling it. This is certainly true in families where day-to-day living together regularly results in mild disagreements and disputes that are usually quickly resolved and forgotten. Unfortunately, more serious conflicts can also occur--fights that lead to resentment, hassles that come up over and over again, stand-offs that result in tension and alienation--making family life seem almost unbearable at times. In a Utopian world conflict would not exist, but the reality is that it does and will as long as people live and work together. Thus, the goal of P.E.T. is not to reduce it. Rather, the mission is to teach families skillful ways of handling and resolving conflict - constructive and healthy ways which give everyone a say.

Needs Versus Solutions

A common definition if "people fighting against each other." In a family, this definition suggests that the parents is trying to block what the child wants, and the child is struggling to block what the parent wants. Strange as it may sounds, this is almost never really the case! Most conflicts between a parent and a child are conflicts-of-solutions rather than conflicts-of-needs. Actually parents and children have essentially the same basic human needs. Conflicts result from the way in which the parent or child goes about meeting some important personal need.

So often parents and children get into conflicts because both fail to communicate their underlying needs to the other. Instead each sets out on a course of action (the solution) to meet a very legitimate need, and these incompatible solutions create the conflict.