One Mother's Testimony on the P.E.T. Workshop

Our P.E.T. Instructor in Bend, OR - Natalie Hull- was kind enough to share some feedback that she received from a participant after her most recent workshop concluded.

Here is what one mother wrote:

The Parent Effectiveness Training dramatically influenced the way I interact with my two teenagers and it significantly altered my relationships in positive ways. Before I took the course, my connections with my kids had much depth and lots of laughter, however there were many power struggles and times of stress. Now, we have depth, laughter, honest and open communication and more peace.

The book offers many ideas and insights, and when I took the class, the philosophy and concepts were easier to understand and implement. Discussions, storytelling and role plays help cement ideas and the different exercises gave parents to the opportunity to tailor responses based on the age level of his or her child. The philosophy is the same for all ages, and with all relationships, which is something that really comes to light when taking the course.

After taking this course, I can honestly say that I approach my teenagers differently, communicate differently and respond differently.  As a result, our relationships have strengthened. My parenting still has its challenges, however, there are  many new understandings that have helped me to pause and take a look at the situation, ask myself who owns the problem if there is a problem, how to communicate in the most effective way and how to actively listen in the hopes that my kids can feel understood and valued. I highly recommend the Parent Effectiveness Training course, as it has no doubt enhanced and strengthened my relationships with my kids in a way that encourages creativity, honesty, trust and authenticity which I believe are central to building healthy relationships with our children, and in all meaningful relationships we encounter.

For more information on Natalie Hull or Parent Effectiveness Training, please email us at family@gordontraining.com.

The Problem with Authoritarian Parenting

As a sequel to our last post (and newsletter) about the problems with permissive parenting, now couldn't be a more perfect opportunity to summarize the problems with strict parenting. Much has been published about the negative affects of authoritarian styles of parenting, so I'll aim to outline as many broad-spectrum points about the subject as possible.

If permissive parenting is described as lackadaisical, lenient and submissive in the context of conflict, then it's safe to say that strict parenting promotes iron-fistedness, aggressiveness and dominance above all. Strict parents will often "win" or "get what they want" in any given conflict, but the visible and emotional affects on the child include much (if not all) of the following:

1. Externally compliant, but internally depressed and defeated
2. Compliant but internally enraged, build-up of aggressiveness
3. Feigned sycophancy in aims to manipulate
4. Fear of trying/Fear of failure
5. Lying
6. Forming "groups" in order to fight back in numbers
7. Rebelling/Outlashing - especially after long periods of submission
8. Withdrawing from parents and social interactions
9. Tendency to seek out adult relationships that are controlling (acting as the controlee)
10. Increased probability of developing anxiety disorders
11. Tendency to forfeit and ignore their own needs
12. Self-imposed, impossible attempts at perfection

Although this list is dismal, many of these points resonate with adults who are the product of authoritarian parenting in their childhood. It is often the case that when parents realize the affects that their childhood had on them, that they realize it is not something that should be continued through the next generation.

More on the effects of punishment and parental power can be found in Chapter 10 of the Parent Effectiveness Training (P.E.T.) book.

by: Selena C. George

The Problem With Permissive Parenting

The most common misconception about Parent Effectiveness Training is that it encourages parents to "give-in" to their child's every desire. The idea that permissiveness is the alternative to power is a false dichotomy in itself. While permissiveness is, by definition, the opposite of strict, these options are not the only two that parents have. Moreover, the idea of meeting somewhere in the middle (i.e. compromise) falls on the same Strict-to-Lenient continuum, of which P.E.T. does not endorse. 

Much is to be said about the negative outcomes of using parental power, but the effects of permissive parenting are just as damaging.

In any win-lose relationship, the unbalance of power takes form in a multitude of ways. Depending on the relationship and degree of power used on the parent, the side effects on the child can include:

• Lack of consideration for the needs of others
• Resistance in cooperation in group dynamics
• Lack of empathy toward others
• Inability to adapt to new environments
• Lack of problem solving skills
• Difficulty maintaining healthy adult relationships

This style of parenting has effects on the parent as well:

• Resentment/Passive Aggressiveness toward the child
• Lack of affection toward the child
• Emotional distance toward the child

Permissiveness can also show up in the form of becoming falsely accepting toward your child and his or her behaviors. False acceptance is a common method for parents who "don't want to deal with it" and submit to their children's demands, while simultaneously bearing resentment. One of the most serious symptoms of false acceptance is a lack of trust toward the parent which results in constant questioning, uncertainty and delinquency  It's usually quite easy for children to pick up on the non-verbal signals that their parents send them, leaving them in a perpetual state of confusion about what their parent really feels and wants. 

With permissive and authoritarian styles out the window, there lies a need for an alternative. P.E.T. teaches parents the communication methods and skills used for decades by many psychologists. By neither winning, losing or compromise, the P.E.T. method is unique in that it is the only (yes, I said only) approach that is on an entirely different spectrum—one that relies on influence, respect, and true fairness.  

Inconceivable? Check out the Parent Effectiveness Training book or find a workshop near you.

By: Selena George, P.E.T. Program Manager

Three Outcomes to What Happens When Parents Use Hurtful Words

We've all heard the (very old) familiar saying about sticks and stones breaking bones, but words not hurting us, right? I'm guessing that this phrase was coined somewhere around the same time that the idea of the world being flat was a logical theory. How archaic and grossly wrong they both were! 

Another age-old theory is the idea that children should be verbally "put in their place," insulted, criticized, blamed, yelled at or scolded in order to achieve one of the following:

• Teach them learn a lesson
• Change their behavior
• Prevent them from doing something wrong

The underlying idea here is: say something harsh = get something done. They're just words, right? No harm done? But let's take a look at what happens when you resort to this method...

Outcome Number 1: Defensiveness. Beyond the fact that children aren't typically perceptive to "negative" comments about themselves, people (of all ages) just don't like being told that they are a different person than they like to perceive themselves as. In order to protect one's own self image and self esteem, our natural instinct is to defend ourselves! The loss of self-esteem over time as a result of the cruel words of parents is one of the biggest tragedies that a parent can be responsible for. The following possibilities after this only grow worse.

Outcome Number 2: Feigned acceptance. In order to avoid conflict, many personality types would rather just pretend that they are getting the message, submit or agree to something on the outside, while what they are really doing is "faking it" in order to end the conflict as quickly as possible. This type of response can be seen quite often when children act differently when their parents are around versus when they aren't. How effective is this really, if their behavior varies from situation to situation?

Outcome Number 3: Rebellion. Being ordered what to do only works for so long, if at all! Particularly in the teenage years (after many years of being told what to do), children's frustration and resentment tends to take a turning point. It is also during this time in their life when they realize that they are not so reliant on mom and dad to take care of their needs. "Why listen to what they say if I can take care of myself anyway?", is a common attitude. And often, their anger from this type of treatment simply turns into spite and rebellion in its pinnacle.

Keep in mind that the above list is just a short version of the most common responses to scolding and insult.

So then, how do parents express their expectations and frustrations with their children? By using a non-blameful method of communication called I-Messages. For more on I-Messages, check our website, Wikipedia or the Parent Effectiveness Training (P.E.T.) book.

What do you think? Let us know!

by: Selena George, P.E.T. Program Manager

No Punishment?

Recently, we had an interested question sent to us on our Facebook page:


"Does this program promote no punishment for bad behavior? I don't get this program?"




We responded, and would like to elaborate to our readers here.

First off, to simply say "no," that P.E.T. is not an advocate of punishment would only be giving half of the answer. The use of the term "bad behavior" is a major underlying issue here. P.E.T. encourages parents not to view behaviors as "bad" or "good" because such labeling does not encourage children to change their behavior, among other things (at least, not in the long run!). Given the idea that all behaviors are simply attempts to get a certain need met, we can view things from a different frame of mind. 

For example, in a traditional sense, a screaming child would likely be seen as "behaving badly". But consider that this child is screaming for a reason. Active Listening is the way to find that reason behind the commonly misunderstood behaviors of a child, or of anyone for that matter. This child is experiencing a problem or obstacle to getting his or her need met. She might be hungry, tired, in need of attention/affection, feeling unsafe or insecure, etc. It would be absurd to think that a child could communicate these feelings in an effective manner; especially considering that many adults still struggle from doing this. The question at hand then becomes: Why punish a child for expressing an unmet need?

Our response to the question on Facebook sums it up:

P.E.T. does not promote punishment of any kind, but the most important part of this is the reasoning behind it. Being commonly mistaken as "passive parenting", P.E.T. does not reject the use of punishment simply because "it's bad." When parents begin to look at their child's behaviors as attempts to get a certain need met, they can begin to realize that their children aren't deliberately "misbehaving" in order to upset their parents. On the contrary, children are desperately seeking approval from their moms and dads. When we look at a screaming child and think: "they're behaving bad," this is when the parent-child relationship gets into real trouble. In actuality, children are commonly seeking fulfillment of some need that they don't know how to express in any other way. 

As for the punishment factor, years of psychological and neurological research has proven that using control to manipulate the behavior of your children (or anyone) has serious consequences on the relationship between parent and child. In the short term, punishment can be a quick fix and often does work. But in the long term, it's effects turn out to be quite the opposite of what punishment aims to achieve. Case in point: teenage-hood! 
What are your thoughts on this? We'd love to hear from you. Please feel free to comment below or send us an email to: family@gordontraining.com

by: Selena George, P.E.T. Program Manager

Has PET Been Taught in Religious Institutions?

Because the Gordon Model aligns so well with many religious values, churches have played a substantial role in making P.E.T. and other Gordon programs available. P.E.T. has been taught at the following religious organizations:

• The Uniting Church in Australia

• Presbyterian

• Methodist

• Baptist

• Jewish synagogues

• 30,000 Lutherans thru Missouri Synod (paid in part by Aid Association for Lutherans insurance).

• The Lutheran church in Finland has been a major sponsor of P.E.T. and other Gordon courses since P.E.T. began there in the late 1970’s and still is. Many thousands of parents and youth have participated in P.E.T. and Y.E.T.

• P.E.T. has been practiced in many Catholic dioceses. Instructors have been/are both priests and nuns as well as lay persons. Father Patrick Tyrrell who began in Ireland and then moved to Chicago has trained over 4,000 people in the Gordon courses—P.E.T., T.E.T., Be Your Best and Y.E.T. He’s still teaching at age 79. A Catholic priest, Robert Pereira in Canberra, Australia has taught a similar number of people. He’s also still active.

• The U.S. Army, Air Force and Navy thru chaplains—these P.E.T. courses were attended by active duty personnel and their spouses both stateside and in Germany, Italy and South Korea. (The courses were promoted in part as a way to help military personnel be combat ready).