What Do You Say to Get Through to Your Teenager?

Through each passing generation, there remain only a few socio-cultural constants that repeat themselves through the decades. Rebellious, overconfident and stubborn teenagers are one group that has stood the test of time. We've figured out ways to video-conference from around the globe, send 3-D images from deep space back to Earth and even locate our own global position from the screens of our handy cellphones. Yet it seems we haven't come a lick closer to shrinking the defiant teenager epidemic.

In a recent conversation with a friend, I realized that I'd personally heard his exact questions asked by parents over and over throughout the years...

"But what do I need to say to get through to him?" 

"How can I reach him so that he realizes the consequences that this could have on him later in life? 

"What do I say to make him care?"

Most people think they have an answer for this. How about talking to the kids in their "lingo", try to have a close family friend of mentor talk to them instead of mom and dad, or explain to them the worst-case scenario to make them scared? Surely, these ways would work right?

Wrong.

The fault lies within the question itself when parents and family members ask: what can I say to them? (Keyword: say)

Without a crucial first step, we may never get to have influence on teenagers. We may talk and lecture until we're blue in the face, but it's high time we start listening to what's really going on inside the hearts and minds of our budding young generation.

Active Listening has proven to be the most effective way to begin a conversation surrounding the conflict at hand. Ordering, advising and sympathizing might be some of our knee-jerk reactions in responding to our teenagers. But let's face it, they don't like to be told what to do just as much as we don't. Asking more questions about the details of their problem only alludes to your segue in finding them the "right answer" for their given problem.

When others feel truly understood, they can begin to move towards a solution to meet their needs. Understanding teenagers on the deepest level can be done shockingly well through active listening. It is then that we can uncover what their own hidden needs are that are navigating their behaviors.

For example, 

• They don't want to seem like a "loser" at school by wearing old clothes

• They are tired of not being "allowed" to make their own decisions

• They are going through something heavy at home, and make drastic attempts to get attention at in other areas

 After which, teens might begin to re-steer the direction of their choices. In some cases after active listening has been done, a new, more trusting relationship is built. This trust sets the scene that can move you into an advisory/teaching position. But be careful, teaching and advising only gives the facts, not our opinions. Under these circumstances are we truly able to have a real and lasting influence on our teenagers.

What do you think? Let me know! Please share and comment below.

For more on Active Listening and to learn how to practice this skill effectively, please see this article: http://www.gordontraining.com/wp-content/uploads/ActiveListening_RogersFarson.pdf

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by: Selena Cruz George, Program Manager

The Debate Continues

Or can we really even call it a "debate?"

It's been several days since John Rosemond's antagonistic article about P.E.T. was published, and we are still seeing plenty of buzz about it.

Letters to the editor have been sent by the dozens, several of which have already been published. Thank you to all who have contributed to this - we're flattered!

And wouldn't you know it, when there couldn't possibly be a more perfect time, a recent study on the effects of spanking children just came out. (You can read the article by clicking here: http://health.yahoo.net/news/s/nm/spanking-kids-can-cause-long-term-harm-canada-study ) I can't help but wonder what he would have to say about this...

To most, it seems that Rosemond's article is filled with nothing but opinion, which he calls "research." To many savvy individuals who are familiar with him, it seems that Rosemond's untruthfulness is a reputation that has preceded him anyway.

In any case, of the floods of "Letters to the Editor" that we've been given a copy of, I thought it the right thing to do to share the "Best Of" with you all.

For your reading pleasure, enjoy:

Letters to the Editor - Snippets
___________________________________________________________________________

It would be hard to exaggerate what a profound misinterpretation of, not only Thomas Gordon's Parent Effectiveness Training (P.E.T.), but of the overwhelming evidence on good parenting, that is found in John Rosemond's baseless attack published in the starpress.com article. Even a rudimentary understanding of Gordon's model, or in fact, the work of Diana Baumrind whom he mistakenly uses to "refute" P.E.T., reveals striking similarities in their advice to parents. Baumrind advocates the "Authoritative Parenting Style," (not to be confused with authoritarian). If Mr. Rosemond had actually bothered to read Dr. Gordon's work, he would have found many similar recommendations and conclusions. One of Rosemond's many incorrect assertions is that Dr. Gordon encourages parents to give in to their children because the child doesn't like being told what to do. This is utter nonsense. P.E.T. certainly encourages parents to be assertive with their children. Dr. Gordon promotes the idea that children are human beings and that, as such, deserve a chance to respond to their parents needs in a responsible way.

 While it may be trendy to talk about the failure of professional psychology, in fact many of Rosemond's assertions are just plain wrong. I cannot tell from the article if he says these things out of spite or shoddy research but this sort of self-indulgent diatribe is damaging: to parents, to children and to our society as a whole. Maybe he is upset about something. As he says, "People who are ruled by their feelings say stupid things…." (Parenting: Children should be taught to control, not be controlled by feelings http://www.thestarpress.com/article/20120124/LIFESTYLE/201240301). 

If you want children who are respectful, thoughtful, caring, independent, assertive, creative, and engaged in the world in a constructive way, listen to Thomas Gordon. If you want more bullies and tyrants, listen to John Rosemond.

-Bill Stinnett, Ph. D.

 I find the tone of John Rosemond's "Parenting: Children should be taught to control, not be controlled by feelings" to be regrettable. For example, his judgmental labeling of Dr. Thomas Gordon and other experienced educators and likeminded professionals as "progressive parenting pundits" pollutes the climate within which constructive public discourse needs to occur when the nature of effective parenting is being discussed. 

Furthermore, when referring to Dr. Gordon's and others' methodologies and conclusions, claiming that they are "pulling this baloney out of thin air" discounts the hard-won discoveries and insights that have come from years of research and practice, and constitutes a form of expression whose usage we typically associate with someone who is being "controlled by feelings" - ironically, a state of being that Mr. Rosemond argues we should teach children to avoid.

- H. Tucker Upshaw, Ph.D.

All but a few parenting advisors (Dr. Rosemond included) have one thing in common: they teach parents to try control their children. This can be attempted either by trying to think for children, or physically restraining them. The former is impossible, the latter grows more difficult every day. Both techniques teach children what parents want, but neither teaches children how parents make decisions.  

But children are ravenous to know how the world works and how achieve their values! They urgently need parents to involve them in the process of gathering and assessing information, including information gained from emotions, and making thoughtful decisions. Effectively expressing intense emotions uncovers the thoughts behind them, allowing reasoned assessment and action. 

- Catherine Dickerson, L.C.S.W., M.Ed.

Gordon believes, as does Rosemond, that permissive parenting is ineffective and Gordon spends one-fifth of his book, Parent Effectiveness Training, explaining what is wrong with permissiveness and associated behaviors. Oddly, Rosemond states in his “Bill of Rights for Children” that children have the right to scream as much as they want. To me it seems contradictory to make your children control their emotions while allowing them to scream ... Gordon’s Parent Effectiveness Training (P.E.T.) teaches communication skills that helps children express their thoughts and feelings respectfully, and helps parents respond to a child’s unacceptable behavior while preserving the child’s self esteem and their relationship with the child. There is a reason Gordon’s P.E.T. program is used every day in 44 countries all over the world and why it continues to influence so many parenting programs over time. P.E.T. works.

-Meike Lemmens, Certified P.E.T. Instructor

Dr.John Rosemond says it is not complicated to deal with feelings. Adults simply need to teach their children to control them. So, you would think that adults must already know for themselves how to control their feelings, right? Here is the problem: You would rather not think of feelings because many of your feelings are quite scary. We are so unfamiliar with "feelings"!  We don’t know their strength or how to calm them down. Rosemond calls them "unruly and destructive beasts". However it is not the feelings or the emotions that are the beasts; it is the pain that we (un)consciously have attached to them. This pain can become so heavy that we would rather kill ourselves than feel it. By suppressing feelings and not acknowledging them, the pain expands and grows bigger. What you suppress expands. What was at first an insignificant event, becomes heavier and heavier. And there is where it becomes scary: when the pain is too heavy to bear, we don’t know what it will develop into or when this pain will be triggered.

Dr. Thomas Gordon was in his time looking for causes of filled up psychology and psychiatrist offices as well. But he made a daring change: to open up feelings and emotions to work with, instead of suppressing them. In promoting his belief and findings, he was the first one who understood that the parent should work on themselves first. Dr. Thomas Gordon incorporated working with feelings, making a training that works for all parents and making it accessible to the general public. This indeed brought him the Lifetime Achievement Award by the American Psychological Association and got him three times nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize.

- Cielja Kieft, Certified P.E.T. Instructor 

'Nuff said. What do you think? Let us know! Please respond by commenting below or chatting with us on Facebook or Twitter.

Standing for the Truth Against Bad-Mouthing P.E.T.

Recently there was a very anti-Parent Effectiveness Training article written by John Rosemond, which was published here:http://www.thestarpress.com/article/20120124/LIFESTYLE/201240301 (Warning, this may cause your blood to boil).


Linda Adams, the President of Gordon Training International, wrote a reply and sent it to the editor. 

We strongly encourage you to share your comments with the editor as well. We'd like to bombard them with supportive comments and rebuttals against this, well, ridiculous and unfounded article he has written--will you join us?

Here's Linda's reply (which we hope they publish!): 

From: Linda Adams 
Sent: Wednesday, February 01, 2012 1:46 PM
To: 'letters@muncie.gannett.com'
Subject: Response to John Rosemond's Column entitled "Parenting: Children should be taught to control....

Dear Lifestyle Editor:

Last week I read a column by John Rosemond in which he made some statements about Parent Effectiveness Training and Dr. Thomas Gordon with which I take issue. Dr. Gordon was my late husband and I am the President of Gordon Training Int’l, the organization he founded. I have written a response to Mr. Rosemond’s piece and hope that you will consider printing it, especially in light of the negative remarks he made about P.E.T. and Dr. Gordon.

If you wish to contact me, you can do so at the email address or phone no. listed at the end of my response.

Thank you very much,
Linda Adams

Response to John Rosemond Article of January 23, 2012

This letter is in response to John Rosemond’s recent article entitled “Parenting: Children should be taught to control, not be controlled by feelings” in which he declares that it has now become obvious that Parent Effectiveness Training (P.E.T.) and other programs of its kind do not and did not work. In fact, he blames parents’ use of P.E.T. and similar programs over the last 40 years for what he terms the “child mental health crisis in America”. 

Mr. Rosemond states that when children are allowed and encouraged to talk about their feelings, they become ruled by them instead of by reason. His belief is that parents should raise their children the same way they were raised with a heavy reliance on traditional authority where the parent is in control and expects complete obedience. 

There is a great deal of evidence, knowledge and experience to refute these statements. Over the last 50 years, we have learned a lot about what helps children grow up to be psychologically healthy or unhealthy. Chief among those is the emotional climate in a family or simply put, the way parents treat their children and each other. P.E.T. offers parents the communication and conflict resolution skills that are essential for having a family in which both the needs of the parents and the children are respected. A key element is listening with empathy. When parents learn to listen to their children’s feelings with acceptance and understanding, Instead of getting stronger, these feelings dissipate so that the child can be rational and logical once again. Just because a child is told to control his/her feelings and not express them, doesn’t mean those feelings will go away, quite the opposite. Unexpressed feelings, especially strong ones, tend to fester and intensify. Listening with empathy helps children to learn to identify, understand and regulate their emotions. It helps them grow, learn to solve their own problems, make constructive changes—signs of emotional competence. And studies show that emotional competence is the best predictor of a child’s well-being and success; it’s even more important than his or her IQ (see research on social and emotional learning). 

With 50 years of experience in offering parents the P.E.T. skills both here and in over 40 countries around the world, it is clear that they have made and continue to make a significant difference in the lives of millions of people—parents, teachers, leaders and youth who have the skills of emotional competence. It is the absence of these attitudes and skills and the continued reliance on authoritarian parenting and teaching that cause such difficulty and pain for children.

Linda Adams
President, Gordon Training International
(Dr. Gordon was my late husband)




Please join us in standing up for what is right.  


-the GTI Staff

The Kind of Rules That Kids Will Stick To

One of the number one complaints we hear from parents is that their kids don't do as their told and that they disobey "the rules." On the other hand, when using P.E.T. methods to set rules parents find more often than not, that these same kids end up adhering to the rules that are set. But why is this so? What is the key difference in setting rules the "traditional" way versus setting rules the P.E.T. way?

Like most people, when children are ordered to do things without reason or having any say in the matter, you might have a pretty hard time getting them to follow through without feeling (at least) some resistance from them. Telling children to follow the rules "because I said so" or "because I know what's best for you" or even "because I am the grown-up" is a classic form of flexing your parental power in the relationship. And in all relationships with an imbalance of power, you will find that the subservient will grow increasingly resentful of the controller. Time after time, the use of power always ends up failing in the long run.

After all, it is an innate human characteristic to want to feel in control of our own lives and behavior.

With P.E.T., Dr. Gordon founded a new way of setting rules so that the needs of everyone are considered and at the same time, things get done. The six-step process of Method III allows all parties involved to come together to discuss the needs are of everyone and what needs to get done. The reason why Method III is so highly effective is that it utilizes the theory of the principle of participation.

The principle of participation states that an individual is much more motivated to carry out a decision when they have participated in the decision-making process.

Makes sense, huh? We thought so too.

Try it at home and let us know how it works! For more detailed information on what the six steps of Method III are, check out our article here: Get What You Need Every Time.

How To Know If P.E.T. Is Right For You?

So you've decided that you want to learn more about being a "better" parent. After all, it is widely considered to be the most important job you can ever take on. While that's true, you might also be realizing that you have no experience, skill or education on how to effectively raise a responsible and happy child. The stuff that you're trying now just isn't working and you feel terrible every time you yell at your kids. The future generation is in YOUR hands! Now what?

Well first of all, kudos to you for taking the first step in seeking knowledge about how to manage important duty.

You might ask yourself a few questions like:

• Does punishment really work? 
• Is compromise necessary? 
• Should parents hold the power?
• Are there other skills out there that you've never even heard of?

Since we know that you won't just go out and purchase the first parenting book that you come across (promise us you won't do that!), we've broken down and eight of the most common parent training programs out there and compared them with our Parent Effectiveness Training (P.E.T.)

In the article, you will find P.E.T. compared with:

1. Parent Effectiveness Training (P.E.T.)
2. Nonviolent Communication (N.V.C.)
3. How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk
4. Systematic Training for Effective Parenting (S.T.E.P.)
5. Active Parenting
6. Love and Logic
7. Triple P (Positive Parenting Program)
8. Dare to Discipline

To read the comparison, click here to find the article: Parenting Program Comparison

Comment below, let us know what you think!

P.E.T. 2012 Starting Strong

Greetings and Happy New Year!

We've got so much to be excited about this year and on top of it all, 2012 marks the 50th anniversary of Parent Effectiveness Training. Yes that's right, Dr. Thomas Gordon taught the very first P.E.T. class to parents back in 1962!

Our 50 Year Anniversary is a major accomplishment for us and is a reminder to how many parents and families lives P.E.T. has affected around the world. It doesn't seem like many things even stay around for 50 years! We'll be doing lots this year to celebrate this milestone and will be sure to keep everyone informed on all the good stuff.

As an excellent start for this new year, check out how many P.E.T. workshops we already have scheduled for this month! Click the link here for our P.E.T. workshop calendar:

http://www.gordontraining.com/parent-programs/p-e-t-workshops-for-parents/

Many of you might not see a workshop anywhere close to your town, which is why we also offer Family Effectiveness Training (F.E.T.), which is essentially the at-home version of the P.E.T. workshop. To find out more information about F.E.T. or to purchase the program online, please check our link here:

http://www.gordontraining.com/parent-programs/family-effectiveness-training-f-e-t/

(recognize the face in the video? ;) )

We hope you all have had a thriving start to the new year and hope that the P.E.T. skills stay strong in ALL of your relationships!

A Nine-Year-Old Explains Why Punishment Doesn't Work

Here is an adorable story from one of our P.E.T. Instructors about a recent conversation she had with her daughter. We thought we'd share it with you:

My daughter (just turned 9 years old) and I were spending some
time together, picking raspberries, and having a general chat. I told her that I only had two more PET classes for the year. My
daughter said, “Oh no, the parents might forget over the holidays, and begin
using time out or spanking again!”

I was
interested, and asked her, “What do you think is the problem with time out – why
doesn’t it work?”

My daughter's answer was:
“Because it forces kids to be good, instead of wanting to be good Because they
know it’s good to be good. When you use time out kids are good because of fear.”
She then proceeded to give an example of a child in her class who now seeks time
out, and spoke of the hierarchy of time-out punishment in her school.

We're impressed! Let us know what you think too. For more on P.E.T., visit us online at www.gordontraining.com or email us at family@gordontraining.com.

What's Coming in 2012

Considering that 2011 hasn't even ended yet, we are pleased to see an impressive lineup for 2012 already! Check out our website calendar to find out all of the upcoming P.E.T. workshops coming soon near you.

You can always check back the link here for regular updates and new additions:

http://www.gordontraining.com/parent-programs/p-e-t-workshops-for-parents/

P.E.T. Workshop Calendar
Date	Location
Ongoing private instruction	San Diego, CA
Ongoing private instruction	Solana Beach, CA
Ongoing private instruction	Seattle, WA
November 2, 2012 – December 21, 2012	Montreal, Quebec
November 20, 2012 – February 12, 2012	Pacific Palisades, CA
January 9, 2012 – March 5, 2012	Las Vegas, NV
January 11 – February 9, 2012	San Jose, CA
January 12 – March 8, 2012	Redmond, WA
January 24 – March 20, 2012	Solana Beach, CA
January 24 – March 27, 2012	Huntington Beach, CA*
January 25 – March 14, 2012	Irvine, CA
January 25 – March 14, 2012	Fullerton, CA
January 26 – March 15, 2012	Redondo Beach, CA

* Childcare available

For more information or to sign up for a P.E.T. workshop near you, email us at family@gordontraining.com.

Power vs. Influence

We'd love if you shared your thoughts with us on this video and the idea of influencing children. Please comment below or check out our YouTube channel for more videos like this.

Advice from A P.E.T. Insturctor

A few weeks ago, we published a Q &A from a mother of two boys. If you missed it, you can read it here.

Here's another response, directly from one of our long-time Certified P.E.T. Instructors:

Dear Anonymus,

It looks like you are saying that yelling seems to help, as only when you yell they do what you want them to do? On the other hand you do not like to yell and you would rather want them to do what they’re told right away when you ask them in a nice way.

Changes do need time as habits may have become patterns and these are often tough to break through. What you can keep in mind though is that the no-lose method of Dr Thomas Gordon steps away from one person telling another person what to do or what not to do when there are problems (You-messages vs I-messages).

When solutions are made with the no-lose method and they do not work out the way you agreed upon, you all have to sit down and go over the 6 steps again. Especially step 2 with active listening. This is most important when problems have become conflicts and are a mixture of needs and values.

Doing homework is such a mixture. You have the value that they should do their homework and the need to preserve your happy mood and energy. Even though your sons may understand the value of doing homework, the value of homework is pretty abstract in the actual moment, in the ‘here and now’ and therefore they may not feel the need to do the homework. This ‘need’ can be woken up by you yelling. It is not that they all of a sudden want to do their homework because you yell. They may just need a peaceful house. So they may do homework for you to stop yelling!

I say a lot of ‘may’ as we don’t know until we hear everybody speak what is going on in them. But it is for you to open up your thoughts that anything is possible.

To break through this spiral you can start as suggested by GTI with a confrontive I message about the yelling, how that effects you and how much you would want to change this. Then it is up to them to respond and for you to active listen (They may say they don’t like it, or they don’t mind or they wait for you to yell…anything is possible ; maybe they are not set up well where to do the homework- maybe it is too easy – or maybe it is too hard and they need help – maybe they like to do it in the morning – maybe – maybe there is a deeper underlying problem etc. they will let you know if you active listen).

My suggestion is to go through the 6 step no-lose method in order for you all to come up with solutions to try out. Elaborate on step 6! Set a week for try out. After a week you sit down together, evaluate, see what worked and what did not work and where you have to make adjustments! You will make a start for meetings with true participation.

I remember very well the joy my boys and I sometimes felt when we got through some problems and had come up with solutions to try out. Solutions were never ‘final’. We knew we would always sit back together if one of us was unhappy. This by itself made us do our utmost to make the solutions work!

Happiness,

Cielja

Cielja Kieft

Gordon Trainer

Mother and Grandmother

Parenting With Love

Long time P.E.T. Instructor, Kathryn, explains the difference between authoritarian parenting styles versus parenting with P.E.T. Watch this touching video to hear about her experience:

Let us know what you think - please comment and share!

Q & A from a Mother of Two Boys

Question: When my sons don't do their chores (especially homework) sometimes I will yell at them and then they will do it. First I will ask them to do something very politely and most of the time they won't listen. But when I yell, they will do what they're told right away. I don't want to yell at them and I have asked them why they don't do things when I ask them nicely. Please help.

Dear Anonymous,

It sounds like you are confused with how to use P.E.T. when you want your sons to do their chores because they respond quicker to you when you yell. You don't want to shout at them, but you also want their chores done in a timely manner.

It is common among parents to notice that P.E.T. skills sometimes don't work right off the bat. It's extremely important to remember that these skills are NOT an overnight, quick-fix, especially if punitive styles (like yelling) have been used on the children over an extended period of time. It takes practice and some patience to see a change in your relationships with your children. You might initially be met with resistance or skepticism when using the new P.E.T. skills, but this is certain: the long term benefits of using P.E.T. create more loving, trusting and responsible children. Using your parental "power" will do exactly the opposite; in the long and short term. Consider asking yourself: Am I trying to save TIME? Or am I trying to create healthy parent-child relationships so that my children will turn out to be self-disciplined and responsible adults?

I would suggest sending your children a preventive I-Message about their chores so that they know when you would like to have them done. You can also send a confrontive I-Message to express how it affects you when they don't do their chores on time. All I-Messages MUST include all three parts in order to be effective. And remember to shift gears into Active Listening if they respond defensively.

Contest Giveaway!

Greetings and Happy Holiday Pre-Season to all. We hope you're all enjoying the cool transition into Fall and are all keeping warm and cozy.

We are due for another contest giveaway and this is going to be a big one! This season, we will be giving away one free Family Effectiveness Training program, plus a few other surprise goodies. You can think of it as a "care package" of things that you and your family will enjoy together with the F.E.T. program. Since this is such a huge giveaway, we are upping the stakes too!

Here's how to win:

1. Like us on Facebook here: Like! = 1 entry

2. Follow us on Twitter here: Follow = 1 entry

3. Follow/Join our blog by clicking "Follow" in the very top, left corner of this page = 1 entries

(Doing all three will give you three entries!)

4. Lastly, you MUST leave a comment below this post, with your name, email address and type of entry for us to verify.

Bonus: You can even count additional entries if other members of the same family complete one of the three options above - just make sure to post another comment below.

If you're already following and liking us, that's great too. Just please be sure to let us know in the comment area on this post.

A winner will be drawn and chosen at random in the next several weeks.

Good luck and Happy Halloween!

The GTI Team

An Update on PET in Southern California

Yesterday morning, we met up with a handful of our Southern-Californian Certified P.E.T. Instructors. It was an encouraging and exciting meeting, where we were able to discuss further promotion of P.E.T. Workshops and the Instructors who teach them. We're so thrilled to be bringing more P.E.T. to Southern California and we wanted to share the news.

Coming soon, we will be having much more activity from GTI and these P.E.T. Instructors in the forms of blogging, Q&A, Tweeting, Facebook-ing and discounting, just to name a few! Our P.E.T. Fans and Followers will be able to get to know our P.E.T. Instructors on a deeper level and will be the first to know about giveaways and special offers on P.E.T. workshops and even the materials!

Please be sure to follow us on Twitter HERE.

Like us on Facebook HERE.

Follow our Blogger HERE.

And join the P.E.T. LinkedIn Group HERE.

More importantly, please be sure to share P.E.T. with those parents who aren't already familiar with us.

Recent Feedback from Parents

With an recent increase in P.E.T. feedback in the last two weeks, we thought we would share some of it with you:

As a father of a 13 year old boy and 2 twins 28 months ( Boy and Girl ) I just finished reading the book and was very inspired. I've already tried the technique with my oldest and I already see some progress. I look forward to the classes.

- P.E.T. Book Reader

I wanted you to know that the P.E.T. program is the best parenting information I've ever encountered, and as the mother of a teenager I've read a LOT of books. Dr. Gordon's program is exactly what I needed. Funny thing is, I actually thought I was a pretty well-educated parent, so I was baffled about why things weren't going more smoothly with my child. Now, finally, I know what I was doing that wasn't working well. Thanks again for your help, and all the best.

- P.E.T. Book Reader

She tried Active Listening and witnessed for the first time in her relationship with her son, him open up and express his feeling and see his emotional temperature drop. She said she couldn't believe her eyes! She was very excited!

- P.E.T. Instructor

One Skill to Help Get You Through Any Problem With Your Children

Before Parent Effectiveness Training or P.E.T., handling a problem with your child or teen usually means one of two things: either you punish them or you let them "get away with it." We were all raised to believe that these are our only options. The world we live in still tells us that these are our only two choices when it comes to handling children.

When problems arise, it can be our initial instinct to solve the issue in the fastest way possible. While many parents are quite skilled in the speediness of their dealing with heated conflicts, the effectiveness of their solution leaves much to be questioned.

Instead of coming up with the quickest way to still troubled waters, try instead to listen for what the true need is. Active Listening is an incredibly powerful and effective communication skill that can change the way that we deal with our problems and the problems of others. Over time, practice and skill, the psychology behind Active Listening builds bonds that are closer, more trusting and more loving.

As every human is entitled to get their basic needs met, so are all children. While your 8-year-old might be throwing her entire box of toys around the room, she very likely might be in need of some love and attention. Although this behavior is not acceptable by most, parents should realize that her need here is not to throw things around the room. Her need is a deeper, emotional one.

When needs are uncovered with Active Listening, problem solving goes much smoother and results last much longer.

For more on Active Listening, please visit our article here: http://www.gordontraining.com/wp-content/uploads/ActiveListening_RogersFarson.pdf

by: Selena Cruz George, Program Manager

How to Deal: Teens, Drugs and Alcohol

A parent sent in a familiar question to us recently, confused about how to handle the issue of drugs and alcohol with her teen. We thought we should share this with you all:

My question for you is what to do if your teenager
is doing something dangerous to their health such as doing drugs or
drinking? I don't see how we could find a common ground solution to
something like that....

Dear Anonymous,

You're confused about how to handle the issue of drinking and doing drugs with your children since it doesn't seem reasonable to come to a "common ground" or problem solve.

This is a concern that I hear from time to time. Seeing your child about to dart out in front of oncoming traffic (for example) is something that all parents should immediately prevent by any means possible. These the times when there is "clear and present danger." However, being worried that a child might participate in something like doing drugs or drinking is called a "Values Collision." This is when there is no real tangible "need" from either party. Using Method III in these conflicts of dirrerences can be difficult because both people usually have very strong feelings about the situation.

Our values are ideals or beliefs which shape our behavior and therefore, our values motivate our behaviors. Underlying the conflict that is going on between you and your child(ren) are a number of values. As an adult, our values might be that we want to stay healthy, don't want to risk our jobs, don't want trouble with the law, etc. As an adolescent who isn't experiencing the world in the same way as an adult, their values might be that they want to fit in with friends, they want independence, etc.

The P.E.T. Participant workbook says "Exploiring the needs of the child with Active Listening, being clear about your own needs with I-Language and using Method III can increase mutual understanding and produce creative new solutions. When a conversation reveals true differences of values, P.E.T. provides you with a strategy of influencing skills....The good news is that even though values ar enot easy to change, children often welcome and respect their parent's wisdom and experience in the selection of their own values. Parents can have a positive impact in this area when they use the P.E.T. influencing skills."

We break down resolving values collisions into seven differenc levels, from high-risk to low-risk. They are:
7. Using power
6. Threatening to use power
5. Problem-solving
4. Consulting
3. Confronting and Active Listening
2. Modeling
1. Modifying Yourself

Levels 4 through 2 are the most effective ways of having a REAL influence on your child; influence that lasts. These three levels include getting "hired" as a consultant by your child. This means sharing your concern, but not imposing. As a consultant, it is important to be more of a listener (Active-Listener of course) than a talker. Being prepared knowing the "facts" of the subject that you are talking about is important here as well. Having accurate information for yur child is an effective way to get them listening and engaged. This is not to be confused with using scare tactics, which will do the opposite. Ultimately, leaving the responsibility with the child without nagging and reminding is an extremely effective way to teach your child independence and self-discipline. The temptation to remind and repeat yourself might be strong, but remember what the effects of power and control have. One of the most powerful ways to influence your child is by modeling the behavior yourself. This is not necesarilly in a teaching sort of environment either, because the modeling process takes place "almost automatically." Be sure to avoid showing examples of using double-standards or hypocracy.

You can read much much more about this in the P.E.T. book, the F.E.T. Program, or best of all, the P.E.T. workshop nearest you. I hope this is a good start for you.

P.E.T. Reviews and Research

There have been two extensive reviews of P.E.T. course evaluation studies. The first, by Ronald Levant of Boston University, reviewed 23 different studies. The author concluded that many of the studies had methodological discrepancies. Nevertheless, out of a total of 149 comparisons between P.E.T. and control groups or alternative programs, 32% favored P.E.T., 11% favored the alternative group, and 57% found no significant differences. Levant did find three studies that met the standards of methodological adequacy. In these studies, out of 35 comparisons, 69% favored P.E.T. over the control group, none (0%) favored the control group, and 31% showed no significant differences. Levant concluded that P.E.T. appears to result in positive changes in parent attitudes and behavior and changes in children’s self-concept and behavior.

Robert Cedar of Boston University later reviewed 26 of the best designed research studies of P.E.T., using the “meta-analytic technique” of integrating the statistical findings from all the studies.

For more details about this study, read the rest of this article by following the link here:

http://www.gordontraining.com/parent-programs/p-e-t-research/

Method III in Action, with Three Children Under Six

This is the story of a recent P.E.T. graduate, who has three boys - aged 6, 4 and 1. Before attending the course, bath times at her place were a real issue, causing tension and arguments. This is her story:

“During the weeks of the P.E.T. course, I used the Method III approach to solve my ‘bath time’ problem with the boys.

I sat down with my older boys (while the little one was playing around us) and explained the Method III approach to solving problems. The boys were quite enthusiastic to try this approach.

We used the Method III template in the workbook and followed it step-by-step. Defining the problem was easy, and so was coming up with solutions.

My needs were 'getting the boys clean, in a reasonable amount of time, which

then allowed mummy to get dinner ready'. My children’s needs were to play and relax after school.

Brainstormed solutions from my boys included:

• Take a toy into the bath (acceptable by all)

• Play for half an hour before bath time (not acceptable by mum)

• Have a bath, then a shower, then a bath (suggested by Mr 4)

• Have a shower one day, then a bath the next day

The final solutions agreed were:

• Boys get to take a toy into the bath (not a wooden toy)

• Timer would be set for bath time, so that bath time would last for 11 minutes (yes this was negotiated back and forth a few times)

This worked very well for a few weeks, but then stopped working - the novelty must have worn off. So we revisited the problem (Step 6), and sat down again to do Method III. I must admit that Mr 4 was delighted to watch his suggestions being written down.

This time, the new agreed solutions were:

• Play for 11 minutes after afternoon tea, and before bath. Timer is set

for 11 minutes, then boys go straight to the bathroom

• All boys to have a shower in mummy's rather large shower, together.

• Plug up drain with face-washers and fill up base of shower until full.

• Face-washers get pulled from drain when alarm goes off at 11 minutes.

This is currently working very well. Mr 1 gets taken out first (he usually doesn't last 11 minutes) and the older boys come out fairly happy at the 11 minute mark.

Bath (shower) time is a now largely a happy time in our household rather than being filled with stress and shouting. I am confident that when these solutions stop working, I can revisit it again using Method III, and the boys will be happy to be involved in solving our problem together.”

This article was shared by Larissa Dann, our P.E.T. Representative in Australia

True Parent Sightings, Part One

I wish I were here reporting glorious sightings of P.E.T. parents in action, but this series will be the opposite of that. For the purposes of reinforcement, conversation-starting and sharing, I lament on these real-life stories of parenting...gone wrong (or non-P.E.T. in our case).

Between the hours after work and before bed, public places can be a zoo of parent-child arguments. While at the drugstore last night, my peaceful meandering down the greeting card aisle was curtly interrupted by a woman's voice that sounded exactly like my car's GPS system.

"No."

"But mom can I-" replied the tiny little girl behind her.

"No."

"Wai-"

"No. Whatever it is, no."

"Mom, I reall-"

"No." She began to repeat herself before even allowing her daughter to get a syllable in. Monotone and seemingly without reason, this mother kept denying her child of something that I am still not sure of. It was totally unclear what she was asking for.

The mother continued, without so much as making eye contact with her daughter, "No because I said so, so don't ask me why. And if you aren't following me now then I'm ignoring you."

(No exaggeration here. This is what she actually said.)

The daughter straggled behind her, whimpering. Her mother never once looked in her direction the entire time I witnessed this episode.

My sympathy goes out to the little girl, of course. In part, I feel sorry for the mother as well because I don't think that she knows any other way. Was this the way that she was parented perhaps? At the same time, I don't think she wishes to psychologically damage her daughter either. My guess is that she hasn't a clue on the impact that this kind of parenting will have on her daughter for years to come.

What I do wonder is who this mother will blame when her daughter reaches teenage years (or sooner) and starts to rebel against her.

It always takes me a moment to get my bearings back and realize that this is not my problem, although the speech has been mentally rehearsed many a time. Suffice it to say, my only chosen audience for this kind of story are P.E.T. parents and readers here on our blog. It is our every intention at GTI to spread the word of P.E.T. not just to parents who are already followers of ours, but more importantly, to those who aren't.

Have a story like this to share? Please post it here, on Facebook or mention us on Twitter.

By: Selena Cruz George, Program Manager