P.E.T. 2012 Starting Strong

Greetings and Happy New Year!

We've got so much to be excited about this year and on top of it all, 2012 marks the 50th anniversary of Parent Effectiveness Training. Yes that's right, Dr. Thomas Gordon taught the very first P.E.T. class to parents back in 1962!

Our 50 Year Anniversary is a major accomplishment for us and is a reminder to how many parents and families lives P.E.T. has affected around the world. It doesn't seem like many things even stay around for 50 years! We'll be doing lots this year to celebrate this milestone and will be sure to keep everyone informed on all the good stuff.

As an excellent start for this new year, check out how many P.E.T. workshops we already have scheduled for this month! Click the link here for our P.E.T. workshop calendar:

http://www.gordontraining.com/parent-programs/p-e-t-workshops-for-parents/

Many of you might not see a workshop anywhere close to your town, which is why we also offer Family Effectiveness Training (F.E.T.), which is essentially the at-home version of the P.E.T. workshop. To find out more information about F.E.T. or to purchase the program online, please check our link here:

http://www.gordontraining.com/parent-programs/family-effectiveness-training-f-e-t/

(recognize the face in the video? ;) )

We hope you all have had a thriving start to the new year and hope that the P.E.T. skills stay strong in ALL of your relationships!

A Nine-Year-Old Explains Why Punishment Doesn't Work

Here is an adorable story from one of our P.E.T. Instructors about a recent conversation she had with her daughter. We thought we'd share it with you:

My daughter (just turned 9 years old) and I were spending some
time together, picking raspberries, and having a general chat. I told her that I only had two more PET classes for the year. My
daughter said, “Oh no, the parents might forget over the holidays, and begin
using time out or spanking again!”

I was
interested, and asked her, “What do you think is the problem with time out – why
doesn’t it work?”

My daughter's answer was:
“Because it forces kids to be good, instead of wanting to be good Because they
know it’s good to be good. When you use time out kids are good because of fear.”
She then proceeded to give an example of a child in her class who now seeks time
out, and spoke of the hierarchy of time-out punishment in her school.

We're impressed! Let us know what you think too. For more on P.E.T., visit us online at www.gordontraining.com or email us at family@gordontraining.com.

What's Coming in 2012

Considering that 2011 hasn't even ended yet, we are pleased to see an impressive lineup for 2012 already! Check out our website calendar to find out all of the upcoming P.E.T. workshops coming soon near you.

You can always check back the link here for regular updates and new additions:

http://www.gordontraining.com/parent-programs/p-e-t-workshops-for-parents/

P.E.T. Workshop Calendar
Date	Location
Ongoing private instruction	San Diego, CA
Ongoing private instruction	Solana Beach, CA
Ongoing private instruction	Seattle, WA
November 2, 2012 – December 21, 2012	Montreal, Quebec
November 20, 2012 – February 12, 2012	Pacific Palisades, CA
January 9, 2012 – March 5, 2012	Las Vegas, NV
January 11 – February 9, 2012	San Jose, CA
January 12 – March 8, 2012	Redmond, WA
January 24 – March 20, 2012	Solana Beach, CA
January 24 – March 27, 2012	Huntington Beach, CA*
January 25 – March 14, 2012	Irvine, CA
January 25 – March 14, 2012	Fullerton, CA
January 26 – March 15, 2012	Redondo Beach, CA

* Childcare available

For more information or to sign up for a P.E.T. workshop near you, email us at family@gordontraining.com.

Power vs. Influence

We'd love if you shared your thoughts with us on this video and the idea of influencing children. Please comment below or check out our YouTube channel for more videos like this.

Advice from A P.E.T. Insturctor

A few weeks ago, we published a Q &A from a mother of two boys. If you missed it, you can read it here.

Here's another response, directly from one of our long-time Certified P.E.T. Instructors:

Dear Anonymus,

It looks like you are saying that yelling seems to help, as only when you yell they do what you want them to do? On the other hand you do not like to yell and you would rather want them to do what they’re told right away when you ask them in a nice way.

Changes do need time as habits may have become patterns and these are often tough to break through. What you can keep in mind though is that the no-lose method of Dr Thomas Gordon steps away from one person telling another person what to do or what not to do when there are problems (You-messages vs I-messages).

When solutions are made with the no-lose method and they do not work out the way you agreed upon, you all have to sit down and go over the 6 steps again. Especially step 2 with active listening. This is most important when problems have become conflicts and are a mixture of needs and values.

Doing homework is such a mixture. You have the value that they should do their homework and the need to preserve your happy mood and energy. Even though your sons may understand the value of doing homework, the value of homework is pretty abstract in the actual moment, in the ‘here and now’ and therefore they may not feel the need to do the homework. This ‘need’ can be woken up by you yelling. It is not that they all of a sudden want to do their homework because you yell. They may just need a peaceful house. So they may do homework for you to stop yelling!

I say a lot of ‘may’ as we don’t know until we hear everybody speak what is going on in them. But it is for you to open up your thoughts that anything is possible.

To break through this spiral you can start as suggested by GTI with a confrontive I message about the yelling, how that effects you and how much you would want to change this. Then it is up to them to respond and for you to active listen (They may say they don’t like it, or they don’t mind or they wait for you to yell…anything is possible ; maybe they are not set up well where to do the homework- maybe it is too easy – or maybe it is too hard and they need help – maybe they like to do it in the morning – maybe – maybe there is a deeper underlying problem etc. they will let you know if you active listen).

My suggestion is to go through the 6 step no-lose method in order for you all to come up with solutions to try out. Elaborate on step 6! Set a week for try out. After a week you sit down together, evaluate, see what worked and what did not work and where you have to make adjustments! You will make a start for meetings with true participation.

I remember very well the joy my boys and I sometimes felt when we got through some problems and had come up with solutions to try out. Solutions were never ‘final’. We knew we would always sit back together if one of us was unhappy. This by itself made us do our utmost to make the solutions work!

Happiness,

Cielja

Cielja Kieft

Gordon Trainer

Mother and Grandmother

Parenting With Love

Long time P.E.T. Instructor, Kathryn, explains the difference between authoritarian parenting styles versus parenting with P.E.T. Watch this touching video to hear about her experience:

Let us know what you think - please comment and share!

Q & A from a Mother of Two Boys

Question: When my sons don't do their chores (especially homework) sometimes I will yell at them and then they will do it. First I will ask them to do something very politely and most of the time they won't listen. But when I yell, they will do what they're told right away. I don't want to yell at them and I have asked them why they don't do things when I ask them nicely. Please help.

Dear Anonymous,

It sounds like you are confused with how to use P.E.T. when you want your sons to do their chores because they respond quicker to you when you yell. You don't want to shout at them, but you also want their chores done in a timely manner.

It is common among parents to notice that P.E.T. skills sometimes don't work right off the bat. It's extremely important to remember that these skills are NOT an overnight, quick-fix, especially if punitive styles (like yelling) have been used on the children over an extended period of time. It takes practice and some patience to see a change in your relationships with your children. You might initially be met with resistance or skepticism when using the new P.E.T. skills, but this is certain: the long term benefits of using P.E.T. create more loving, trusting and responsible children. Using your parental "power" will do exactly the opposite; in the long and short term. Consider asking yourself: Am I trying to save TIME? Or am I trying to create healthy parent-child relationships so that my children will turn out to be self-disciplined and responsible adults?

I would suggest sending your children a preventive I-Message about their chores so that they know when you would like to have them done. You can also send a confrontive I-Message to express how it affects you when they don't do their chores on time. All I-Messages MUST include all three parts in order to be effective. And remember to shift gears into Active Listening if they respond defensively.

Contest Giveaway!

Greetings and Happy Holiday Pre-Season to all. We hope you're all enjoying the cool transition into Fall and are all keeping warm and cozy.

We are due for another contest giveaway and this is going to be a big one! This season, we will be giving away one free Family Effectiveness Training program, plus a few other surprise goodies. You can think of it as a "care package" of things that you and your family will enjoy together with the F.E.T. program. Since this is such a huge giveaway, we are upping the stakes too!

Here's how to win:

1. Like us on Facebook here: Like! = 1 entry

2. Follow us on Twitter here: Follow = 1 entry

3. Follow/Join our blog by clicking "Follow" in the very top, left corner of this page = 1 entries

(Doing all three will give you three entries!)

4. Lastly, you MUST leave a comment below this post, with your name, email address and type of entry for us to verify.

Bonus: You can even count additional entries if other members of the same family complete one of the three options above - just make sure to post another comment below.

If you're already following and liking us, that's great too. Just please be sure to let us know in the comment area on this post.

A winner will be drawn and chosen at random in the next several weeks.

Good luck and Happy Halloween!

The GTI Team

An Update on PET in Southern California

Yesterday morning, we met up with a handful of our Southern-Californian Certified P.E.T. Instructors. It was an encouraging and exciting meeting, where we were able to discuss further promotion of P.E.T. Workshops and the Instructors who teach them. We're so thrilled to be bringing more P.E.T. to Southern California and we wanted to share the news.

Coming soon, we will be having much more activity from GTI and these P.E.T. Instructors in the forms of blogging, Q&A, Tweeting, Facebook-ing and discounting, just to name a few! Our P.E.T. Fans and Followers will be able to get to know our P.E.T. Instructors on a deeper level and will be the first to know about giveaways and special offers on P.E.T. workshops and even the materials!

Please be sure to follow us on Twitter HERE.

Like us on Facebook HERE.

Follow our Blogger HERE.

And join the P.E.T. LinkedIn Group HERE.

More importantly, please be sure to share P.E.T. with those parents who aren't already familiar with us.

Recent Feedback from Parents

With an recent increase in P.E.T. feedback in the last two weeks, we thought we would share some of it with you:

As a father of a 13 year old boy and 2 twins 28 months ( Boy and Girl ) I just finished reading the book and was very inspired. I've already tried the technique with my oldest and I already see some progress. I look forward to the classes.

- P.E.T. Book Reader

I wanted you to know that the P.E.T. program is the best parenting information I've ever encountered, and as the mother of a teenager I've read a LOT of books. Dr. Gordon's program is exactly what I needed. Funny thing is, I actually thought I was a pretty well-educated parent, so I was baffled about why things weren't going more smoothly with my child. Now, finally, I know what I was doing that wasn't working well. Thanks again for your help, and all the best.

- P.E.T. Book Reader

She tried Active Listening and witnessed for the first time in her relationship with her son, him open up and express his feeling and see his emotional temperature drop. She said she couldn't believe her eyes! She was very excited!

- P.E.T. Instructor

One Skill to Help Get You Through Any Problem With Your Children

Before Parent Effectiveness Training or P.E.T., handling a problem with your child or teen usually means one of two things: either you punish them or you let them "get away with it." We were all raised to believe that these are our only options. The world we live in still tells us that these are our only two choices when it comes to handling children.

When problems arise, it can be our initial instinct to solve the issue in the fastest way possible. While many parents are quite skilled in the speediness of their dealing with heated conflicts, the effectiveness of their solution leaves much to be questioned.

Instead of coming up with the quickest way to still troubled waters, try instead to listen for what the true need is. Active Listening is an incredibly powerful and effective communication skill that can change the way that we deal with our problems and the problems of others. Over time, practice and skill, the psychology behind Active Listening builds bonds that are closer, more trusting and more loving.

As every human is entitled to get their basic needs met, so are all children. While your 8-year-old might be throwing her entire box of toys around the room, she very likely might be in need of some love and attention. Although this behavior is not acceptable by most, parents should realize that her need here is not to throw things around the room. Her need is a deeper, emotional one.

When needs are uncovered with Active Listening, problem solving goes much smoother and results last much longer.

For more on Active Listening, please visit our article here: http://www.gordontraining.com/wp-content/uploads/ActiveListening_RogersFarson.pdf

by: Selena Cruz George, Program Manager

How to Deal: Teens, Drugs and Alcohol

A parent sent in a familiar question to us recently, confused about how to handle the issue of drugs and alcohol with her teen. We thought we should share this with you all:

My question for you is what to do if your teenager
is doing something dangerous to their health such as doing drugs or
drinking? I don't see how we could find a common ground solution to
something like that....

Dear Anonymous,

You're confused about how to handle the issue of drinking and doing drugs with your children since it doesn't seem reasonable to come to a "common ground" or problem solve.

This is a concern that I hear from time to time. Seeing your child about to dart out in front of oncoming traffic (for example) is something that all parents should immediately prevent by any means possible. These the times when there is "clear and present danger." However, being worried that a child might participate in something like doing drugs or drinking is called a "Values Collision." This is when there is no real tangible "need" from either party. Using Method III in these conflicts of dirrerences can be difficult because both people usually have very strong feelings about the situation.

Our values are ideals or beliefs which shape our behavior and therefore, our values motivate our behaviors. Underlying the conflict that is going on between you and your child(ren) are a number of values. As an adult, our values might be that we want to stay healthy, don't want to risk our jobs, don't want trouble with the law, etc. As an adolescent who isn't experiencing the world in the same way as an adult, their values might be that they want to fit in with friends, they want independence, etc.

The P.E.T. Participant workbook says "Exploiring the needs of the child with Active Listening, being clear about your own needs with I-Language and using Method III can increase mutual understanding and produce creative new solutions. When a conversation reveals true differences of values, P.E.T. provides you with a strategy of influencing skills....The good news is that even though values ar enot easy to change, children often welcome and respect their parent's wisdom and experience in the selection of their own values. Parents can have a positive impact in this area when they use the P.E.T. influencing skills."

We break down resolving values collisions into seven differenc levels, from high-risk to low-risk. They are:
7. Using power
6. Threatening to use power
5. Problem-solving
4. Consulting
3. Confronting and Active Listening
2. Modeling
1. Modifying Yourself

Levels 4 through 2 are the most effective ways of having a REAL influence on your child; influence that lasts. These three levels include getting "hired" as a consultant by your child. This means sharing your concern, but not imposing. As a consultant, it is important to be more of a listener (Active-Listener of course) than a talker. Being prepared knowing the "facts" of the subject that you are talking about is important here as well. Having accurate information for yur child is an effective way to get them listening and engaged. This is not to be confused with using scare tactics, which will do the opposite. Ultimately, leaving the responsibility with the child without nagging and reminding is an extremely effective way to teach your child independence and self-discipline. The temptation to remind and repeat yourself might be strong, but remember what the effects of power and control have. One of the most powerful ways to influence your child is by modeling the behavior yourself. This is not necesarilly in a teaching sort of environment either, because the modeling process takes place "almost automatically." Be sure to avoid showing examples of using double-standards or hypocracy.

You can read much much more about this in the P.E.T. book, the F.E.T. Program, or best of all, the P.E.T. workshop nearest you. I hope this is a good start for you.

P.E.T. Reviews and Research

There have been two extensive reviews of P.E.T. course evaluation studies. The first, by Ronald Levant of Boston University, reviewed 23 different studies. The author concluded that many of the studies had methodological discrepancies. Nevertheless, out of a total of 149 comparisons between P.E.T. and control groups or alternative programs, 32% favored P.E.T., 11% favored the alternative group, and 57% found no significant differences. Levant did find three studies that met the standards of methodological adequacy. In these studies, out of 35 comparisons, 69% favored P.E.T. over the control group, none (0%) favored the control group, and 31% showed no significant differences. Levant concluded that P.E.T. appears to result in positive changes in parent attitudes and behavior and changes in children’s self-concept and behavior.

Robert Cedar of Boston University later reviewed 26 of the best designed research studies of P.E.T., using the “meta-analytic technique” of integrating the statistical findings from all the studies.

For more details about this study, read the rest of this article by following the link here:

http://www.gordontraining.com/parent-programs/p-e-t-research/

Method III in Action, with Three Children Under Six

This is the story of a recent P.E.T. graduate, who has three boys - aged 6, 4 and 1. Before attending the course, bath times at her place were a real issue, causing tension and arguments. This is her story:

“During the weeks of the P.E.T. course, I used the Method III approach to solve my ‘bath time’ problem with the boys.

I sat down with my older boys (while the little one was playing around us) and explained the Method III approach to solving problems. The boys were quite enthusiastic to try this approach.

We used the Method III template in the workbook and followed it step-by-step. Defining the problem was easy, and so was coming up with solutions.

My needs were 'getting the boys clean, in a reasonable amount of time, which

then allowed mummy to get dinner ready'. My children’s needs were to play and relax after school.

Brainstormed solutions from my boys included:

• Take a toy into the bath (acceptable by all)

• Play for half an hour before bath time (not acceptable by mum)

• Have a bath, then a shower, then a bath (suggested by Mr 4)

• Have a shower one day, then a bath the next day

The final solutions agreed were:

• Boys get to take a toy into the bath (not a wooden toy)

• Timer would be set for bath time, so that bath time would last for 11 minutes (yes this was negotiated back and forth a few times)

This worked very well for a few weeks, but then stopped working - the novelty must have worn off. So we revisited the problem (Step 6), and sat down again to do Method III. I must admit that Mr 4 was delighted to watch his suggestions being written down.

This time, the new agreed solutions were:

• Play for 11 minutes after afternoon tea, and before bath. Timer is set

for 11 minutes, then boys go straight to the bathroom

• All boys to have a shower in mummy's rather large shower, together.

• Plug up drain with face-washers and fill up base of shower until full.

• Face-washers get pulled from drain when alarm goes off at 11 minutes.

This is currently working very well. Mr 1 gets taken out first (he usually doesn't last 11 minutes) and the older boys come out fairly happy at the 11 minute mark.

Bath (shower) time is a now largely a happy time in our household rather than being filled with stress and shouting. I am confident that when these solutions stop working, I can revisit it again using Method III, and the boys will be happy to be involved in solving our problem together.”

This article was shared by Larissa Dann, our P.E.T. Representative in Australia

True Parent Sightings, Part One

I wish I were here reporting glorious sightings of P.E.T. parents in action, but this series will be the opposite of that. For the purposes of reinforcement, conversation-starting and sharing, I lament on these real-life stories of parenting...gone wrong (or non-P.E.T. in our case).

Between the hours after work and before bed, public places can be a zoo of parent-child arguments. While at the drugstore last night, my peaceful meandering down the greeting card aisle was curtly interrupted by a woman's voice that sounded exactly like my car's GPS system.

"No."

"But mom can I-" replied the tiny little girl behind her.

"No."

"Wai-"

"No. Whatever it is, no."

"Mom, I reall-"

"No." She began to repeat herself before even allowing her daughter to get a syllable in. Monotone and seemingly without reason, this mother kept denying her child of something that I am still not sure of. It was totally unclear what she was asking for.

The mother continued, without so much as making eye contact with her daughter, "No because I said so, so don't ask me why. And if you aren't following me now then I'm ignoring you."

(No exaggeration here. This is what she actually said.)

The daughter straggled behind her, whimpering. Her mother never once looked in her direction the entire time I witnessed this episode.

My sympathy goes out to the little girl, of course. In part, I feel sorry for the mother as well because I don't think that she knows any other way. Was this the way that she was parented perhaps? At the same time, I don't think she wishes to psychologically damage her daughter either. My guess is that she hasn't a clue on the impact that this kind of parenting will have on her daughter for years to come.

What I do wonder is who this mother will blame when her daughter reaches teenage years (or sooner) and starts to rebel against her.

It always takes me a moment to get my bearings back and realize that this is not my problem, although the speech has been mentally rehearsed many a time. Suffice it to say, my only chosen audience for this kind of story are P.E.T. parents and readers here on our blog. It is our every intention at GTI to spread the word of P.E.T. not just to parents who are already followers of ours, but more importantly, to those who aren't.

Have a story like this to share? Please post it here, on Facebook or mention us on Twitter.

By: Selena Cruz George, Program Manager

A Response to Questioning Parents

Explaining P.E.T. to doubtful parents is a challenge that I take on with eagerness. In its most common form, P.E.T. skepticism shows up as the assumption that it's the type of parenting that allows the child to run the show.

Some parents say, "That sounds great, but it wouldn't work on my kids. If I don't set limits, punish, show them who's boss (etc.), then my kids won't respect me, behave, do as they're told (etc.)" At times, this hesitation is expected. After all, the Gordon Model is an entirely new approach to parenting which offers a promising alternative to traditional win-lose methods. P.E.T.'s theory to not punish, discipline or use authoritarian power, suggests to some parents that their children's unacceptable behavior is left disregarded. In reality, parents should keep in mind that authoritarian power should not be used because it is emotionally damaging to the child (and the parent-child relationship) and that its long-term effectiveness have proven to be highly inefficient.

For those who aren't fully convinced that the P.E.T. method is not a form of permissive parenting, consider these words of Dr. Thomas Gordon: "Permissive parents get into as much trouble as overly strict parents, for their kids often turn out to be selfish, unmanageable uncooperative, and inconsiderate of the needs of their parents." Permissiveness creates the kind of individuals who grow up believing that they deserve everything that the world has to offer, without having to work for it.

Dr. Gordon continues: "What kind of persons are we producing if children are permitted to grow up with the attitude that the world owes them so much even though they give back so little? What kind of society will these selfish human beings make?"

Just as punishment and power can create insecure and rebellious individuals, overly lenient parenting can create egotism and narcissism. (Although I say "can create" here in order to avoid being overly bold by saying "will create," the chances of these outcomes are highly likely.)

Given these two options, it's relieving to know that P.E.T. offers a third choice. What do you think? Let us know...

by: Selena Cruz George, Program Manager

**Dr. Thomas Gordon quotes are excerpted from the P.E.T. book

Preventing Conflicts by Changing the Environment

Most parents have gotten use to kid-proofing their homes to prevent child endangerment. In this same school of thought, changing the physical environment can also prevent unacceptable behaviors and conflicts to arise.

Here are six ways to modify the environment so that unacceptable behavior can be minimized or prevented entirely:

Adding to the Environment

1. Enriching: introducing activities or materials that capture the interest of the child.

ex.: sandbox, swing set

2. Enlarging: broadening work and play areas to increase some behavior

ex.: parks, pools, backyard

Removing from the Environment

3. Impoverishing: reducing stimulation or the physical means to the undesired behavior

ex.: turning down volume, lowering the shades

4. Restricting: designating work and play areas to limit certain behavior

ex.: play room, car seats, art room

Changing the Environment

5. Simplifying: making the home easier for the child to function independently and effectively

ex.: foot stools, low storage areas for toys

6. Rearranging: displaying, storing and placing elements in the home to eliminate or encourage certain behaviors

ex.: knifes out of reach, use of plastic vs. glass cups

It is important to understand that the concept of modifying the environment does not sanction parents to impose physical changes upon unwilling children. Instead, parents should seek mutual acceptance of physical changes in the home, especially if they get resistance from their children. Moreover, it is likely that the best possible modifications can be made if all family members put their heads together - and certainly the commitment to supporting the changes will be higher if the process used is Method III.

excerpted from the F.E.T. Adult Resource Book, Session 4

How To Get "Fired" As A Parent

If you think getting fired from your job is bad enough, you might want consider the following before your children do the same...

As children grow into adolesence and begin to realize that their needs can be fulfilled outside of the home, they will often sever the relationship with their parents. No matter social class, religious background or ethnicity, this epidemic is a vitrual certainty across the globe.

"Parents get fired by their kids when they hassle and harangue them to change cherished beliefs and values. Adolescents dismiss their parents when they feel they are being denied their basic civil rights." - Dr. Thomas Gordon, The P.E.T. Book.

No different than adults, teens especially will vehemently defend their belief system and their rights - especially if they feel that their values and behaviors have no real effect on anybody else other than themselves. When parents try to force ideas or make decisions on behalf of their children because "it's what's best for them," these parents fail to realize that their efforts are folly. Often is the case that teenagers do things behind their parents backs, knowing that they disagree or won't approve.

Therein lies the trajedy. When children make the decision to withhold things from their parents, parents lose the ability to be able to influence their children.

The question is: How do parents AVOID getting fired?

Here are some tips:

#1 - Problem Ownership: Realize the difference between when you own the problem, when both own the problem and when they own the problem (it's not YOUR problem)

#2 - Use Method III: Not to be mistaken with compromise, Method III allows every party to get their needs met.

#3 - Avoid Roadblocks: Know when to Active Listen instead of giving advice, judging, using logic, etc.

#4 - Don't Force Your Values: Recall the High Risk to Low Risk options for handling Collision of Values situations. Using Coercive power is a one-way ticket to getting fired!

What do you think? Let us know.

By: Selena Cruz George, Program Manager

Praise vs. Positive I-Messages

An Alternative to Praise

(excerpted from the P.E.T. textbook)

When I first started P.E.T., I-Messages were presented solely as an effective method for confronting children when their behavior was unacceptable. Many parents were puzzled by this limited use of the I-Message and asked perceptively, "Why not use the I-Message to communicate your positive or appreciative feelings when your kid's behavior is acceptable?"

I've always been ambivalent about sending messages that contained positive evaluations, largely because of my conviction that praising kids is often manipulative and at times even destructive to the parent-child relationship. My argument went something like this:

Praising kids is often motivated by the parent's intent to get them to do what the parent has already decided is best for them to do. Or conversely, parents praise with the hope that the child will not do what they think he should not do but instead will repeat the "good" behavior that's been rewarded by the parent's praise.

Psychologists have proven beyond any doubt, in literally thousands of experiments with humans and animals, that giving a reward just after certain behavior has occurred will "reinforce" that behavior - that is, increase the chances that the behavior will occur again. So rewards do work. Each of us goes through life repeating behaviors that in the past brought us some kind of reward. It's logical. We do things, again and again, because in the past they have somehow given us what we needed or wanted - we have been rewarded. Praise, of course, is one kind of reward. At least that's what most people believe. So why not make a systematic effort to praise kids for "good" behavior? Why not also punish kids for "bad" behavior, since we also have proof that punishment extinguishes behavior - reduces the probability of its being repeated. But punishment is not what I'm examining here (later I'll have more to say about that).

No idea is more entrenched in parent-child relations than the notion that kids should be praised for "good" behaviors. To many parents it is tantamount to heresy to question this principle. Certainly most books and articles about parenthood recommend it.

However, pitfalls lie in the path of parents who use praise (and other forms of reward) as a way of shaping their children's behavior. First, to be effective, praise must be felt by the child as a reward. In many cases, this does not happen. If a parent praises a child for some activity, the parent judged "good" but the child did not, then praise is often rejected or denied by the child.

PARENT: You're getting to be such a good little swimmer.

CHILD: I'm not half as good as Laurie.

PARENT: Honey, you played a great game.

CHILD: I did not, I feel horrible. I should've won.

It was only natural to ask, "If the I-Message is a more constructive way of motivating a child to modify behavior that's unacceptable to parents, could it also be a more constructive way of communicating positive feelings - appreciation, pleasure, gratitude, relief, thankfulness, happiness?"

Usually when parents praise their children it comes out as a You-Message, almost without exception:

"You're being such a good boy!"

"You did a great job!"

"You behaved so well at the restaurant!"

"You're doing so much better in school!"

Note that all these messages contain a judgment, an evaluation of the child.

Contrast them with these Positive I-Messages:

"I really appreciate your taking out the trash even though it's my job - thanks a lot!"

"Thanks for picking up your brother at the airport - that saved me a trip. I sure appreciate it."

"When you let me know when you'll be home, I feel relieved because then I don't worry about you."

Positive I-Messages are not likely to be interpreted as manipulative and controlling the way praise usually is as long as these two conditions are met:

1. The parent is not consciously trying to use the messages to influence the child to repeat the desired behavior (to modify the child's future behavior).
2. The message is simply a vehicle for communicating a spontaneously experienced temporary feeling - that is, the feeling is genuine and real, as well as here and now.

Adding this concept to the P.E.T. model provides justification for parents to share their positive feelings when they spontaneously feel appreciative, without the risks inherent praise. Previously, I'm afraid that when I cautioned parents against praising their kids, I left them puzzled, frustrated, and with no constructive way of communicating the positive feelings.

5 Parenting Myths, Debunked!

Hello fellow P.E.T. parents and followers,

While browsing through the F.E.T. workbook (otherwise known as the F.E.T. Adult Resource Book), I came across several myths, truths and principles about parenting that I thought should be reinforced to the public eye!

In no order of importance, here they are:

Parenting Myths

1. Myth: Parents should always present a "united front" to children

Truth: Your responses to a particular behavior will often be different from that of your spouse.

Principle: Act toward your child's behavior in a way that matches how you are feeling about it. "To thine own self be true."

2. Myth: Parents should always be consistent with respect to dealing with children's behaviors.

Truth: Your response to a particular behavior will often be different, depending on when it occurs (child playing with legos in living room on Saturday morning versus when friends are to arrive for dinner), where it occurs (table manners at home versus in restaurant), and how you are feeling (child playing drum when you feel good versus when you have a headache).

Principle: The situation (context) where a child's behavior occurs will determine your response to it.

3. Myth: Parents should treat each child the same way.

Truth: Your reaction to a particular behavior will often be different depending upon which child does it.

Principle: The age and development level of children will influence your feelings about particular behaviors.

4. Myth: If children get all their basic needs met, they'll be spoiled, selfish, and unbearable.

Truth: Children whose basic needs are not met feel deprived, resentful, frustrated, and angry. These are the feelings that make children emotionally unhealthy and antisocial. Children who do get their needs met are healthier, both emotionally and physically.

5. Myth: The principle duty of good parents is to disregard their personal needs and sacrifice for the sake of their children.

Truth: Parents whose own needs are not met will also feel deprived, resentful, frustrated and angry. They will have little to give to their children and may take out their feelings by mistreating or neglecting their children.

Principle: An effective parent is one who respects the right of children to meet their needs as much as the right of the parent to meet his/her own needs.

Know someone who lives by some of these myths? Pay it forward - share this with them!