- Resolve family conflicts peacefully
- Set rules that family members follow
- Influence others to respect your needs
- Prevent angry arguments
- Eliminate punishment
- Reduce resentments
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In short, parents are people, not gods. They do not have to act unconditionally accepting, or even consistently accepting. Neither should they pretend to be accepting when they are not. While children undoubtedly prefer to be accepted, they can constructively handle their parent's unaccepting feelings when parents send clear and honest messages that match their true feelings. Not only will this make it easier for children to cope, but it will help each child to see her parent as a real person-transparent, human, someone with whom she would like to have a relationship.
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Jan 14, 2010
- Tune out your own thoughts and feelings.
- Turn off the radio, TV or computer
- Face the person, give him/her your full attention and keep eye contact (if appropriate).
- Tune in to what the other person is saying and feeling.
- Give feedback to the other person about your understanding of what s/he is saying and feeling.
- Talk about yourself.
- Change the subject.
- Keep glancing around the room or looking at your watch.
- Tell the other person that a similar thing happened to you.
- Act like you understand what a person is saying or feeling when you really don't.
- Use any of the 12 Roadblocks.
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Jan 6, 2010
Acceptance Must Be Demonstrated
It is one thing for a parent to feel acceptance toward a child; it is another thing to make that acceptance felt. Unless a parent's acceptance comes through to the child, it can have no influence on him. A parent must learn how to demonstrate his acceptance so that the child feels it.
Specific skills are required to be able to do this. Most parents, however, tend to think of acceptance as a passive thing-a state of mind, an attitude, a feeling. True, acceptance does originate from within, but to be an effective force in influencing another, it must be actively communicated or demonstrated. I can never be certain that I am accepted by another until he demonstrates it in some active way.
The professional psychological counselor or psychotherapist, whose effectiveness as a helping agent is so greatly dependent on his being able to demonstrate his acceptance of the client, spends years learning ways to implement this attitude through his own habits of communication. Through formal training and long experience, professional counselors acquire specific skills in communicating acceptance. They learn that what they say makes the difference between their being helpful or not.
Talk can cure, and talk can foster constructive change. But it must be the right kind of talk.
The same is true for parents. How they talk to their children will determine whether they will be helpful or destructive. The effective parent, like the effective counselor, must learn how to communicate his acceptance and acquire the same communication skills.
Parents in our classes skeptically ask, "Is it possible for a nonprofessional like myself to learn the skills of a professional counselor?" Thirty years ago we would have said, "No." However, in our classes we have demonstrated that if is possible for most parents to learn how to become effective helping agents for their children. We know now that it is not knowledge of psychology or an intellectual understanding about people that makes a good counselor. It is primarily a matter of learning how to talk to people in a "constructive" way.
Psychologists call this "therapeutic communication," meaning that certain kinds of messages have a "therapeutic" or healthy effect on people. They make them feel better, encourage them to talk, help them express their feelings, foster a feeling of worth or self-esteem, reduce threat or fear, facilitate growth and constructive change.
Other kinds of talk are "nontherapeutic" or destructive. These messages tend to make people feel judged or guilty; they restrict expression of honest feelings, threaten the person, foster feelings of unworthiness or low self-esteem, block growth and constructive change by making the person defend more strongly the way he is.
While a very small number of parents possess this therapeutic skill intuitively and hence are "naturals", most parents have to go through a process of first unlearning their destructive ways of communicating and then learning more constructive ways. This means that parents first have to expose their typical habits of communication to see for themselves how their talk is destructive or nontherapeutic. Then they need to be taught some new ways of responding to children.*
*Excerpt from Dr. Thomas Gordon's P.E.T. book