Give the Child a Chance to Meet His Needs Himself

How To Listen To Kids Too Young To Talk Much

Certainly the ultimate goal of most parents should be to help the very young child gradually develop his own resources--to become weaned away from dependence on the parent's resources, more and more capable of meeting his own needs, solving his own problems. The parent who will be most effective in this is the one who can consistently follow the principle of first giving the child a chance to solve his problems himself before jumping in with a parental solution.

In the following illustration, the parent follows this principle quite effectively:

CHILD (crying): Truck, truck--no truck.

PARENT: You want your truck, but you can't find it. [ACTIVE LISTENING]

CHILD: (Looks under sofa, but doesn't find truck.)

PARENT: The truck's not there. [FEEDING BACK NONVERBAL MESSAGE.]

CHILD: (Runs into his room, looks, can't find it.)

PARENT: The truck's not there. [FEEDING BACK NONVERBAL MESSAGE.]

CHILD: (Thinks; moves to back door.)

PARENT: Maybe the truck's in the backyard. [FEEDING BACK NONVERBAL MESSAGE.]

CHILD: (runs out, finds truck in sandbox, looks proud): Truck!

PARENT: You found your truck yourself. [ACTIVE LISTENING.]

This parent kept the responsibility for solving the problem with the child at all times by avoiding direct intervention of advice. By doing so, the parent is helping the child develop and us his own resources.

Many parents are far too eager to take over their child's problems. They are so anxious to help the child or so uncomfortable (nonaccepting) of his experiencing an unfulfilled need that they are compelled to take over the problem-solving and give the child a quick solution. If this is done frequently, it is a sure way of retarding the child's learning how to use his own resources and his developing independence and resourcefulness.