Permissive Parents and Children

We often discuss in depth the effects of parents using their power to control behaviors and situations. For those parents and children who are on the opposite end of the spectrum, here are some reasons why we believe permissiveness doesn't work:

Sending I-Messages or "Talking Straight" can be hard.

We sometimes hide our true selves - our thoughts, feelings and opinions. We're afraid of disapproval, disagreement, criticism or rejection by others.

The need to be liked and accepted can be very strong. But when we keep our real thoughts and feelings to ourselves, we lose touch with what our true feelings are. We later become resentful because we didn't speak up. Others don't know what we really think, feel and need so they can't help us get our needs met.

What are the benefits of Talking Straight?

You may learn how similar or different you are to others. You may become more aware of your thoughts, feelings and needs so you can be the real you.

When other people know how you feel and what you need, they can often help you get your needs met.

Communicating clearly is a way of taking responsibility for yourself. It's important in relationships because it helps each person know how the other one feels - how the situation appears from the other's point of view.

The goal of talking straight with I-Messages is to keep your relationships in the No Problem Area of the Behavior Window where everyone is getting their needs met.

an excerpt from the Youth Effectiveness Training workbook, by Linda Adams