When you have a values collision, the first step is to understand the real differences between you and the other person. Active Listening is the best tool for doing this.
The next step requires you to make a choice. Can you accept the differences and let things be, or do you really feel it important to try to change the other person?
Can you reconsider your values and perhaps move closer to the other person's? Can you decide to accept the differences between you as they are and stop colliding?
If you decide to change the other person, you must consider the risk to the relationship. Is it worth it to try to change my friend? Will it hurt our friendship?
If changing the other is really important to you, start by attempting to change the specific behavior of the other that is upsetting for you.
I-Messages or No-Lose Problem Solving are the skills to use to change another's behavior that is upsetting you.
And finally, even if you've succeeded in changing the other's actions, you may still want to influence the other to change his/her value.
If you feel very strongly that the person would be much "better off" or "happier" if your values were adopted, there are two new skills you can learn to influence (but not control) the other to change.
- MODELING: setting a personal example for the other; acting out, really living the values that you believe in; over a period of time your values may be adopted by the other person.
- CONSULTING: influencing or persuading the other by pointing out the advantages of your values; to be effective, your consultation must be welcomed and preferably invited by the other person.*
*Excerpt from Dr. Thomas Gordon's F.E.T. Young Adult Resource Book